To be still beating myself up for having an epidural

[Molldoll831]

Can anyone relate to this? I'm really struggling with the fact that I asked for an epidural during the birth of my little boy, who was born 4 months ago. His older brother came along 3 years ago and for his birth, I was determined to have as natural a birth as possible - I had these visions of what it would be like and of course they all went out the window when my waters broke but contractions didn't start, cue being induced with the oxytocin drip 20 hours later, contractions from hell and me begging for the epidural several hours later. I tore horrendously and his heart rate dropped, I had a postpartum hemorrhage...all in all it was pretty horrific. It took me a long time to process and get over it, and when I fell pregnant this time around I really wanted things to be different. I desperately wanted to have more control over the birth (though I know that's often not possible!) and to go as far as I could without pain relief (bar gas and air) since I never experienced 'normal' contractions the last time. I just really wanted to feel the pushing and feel the baby coming out. This time around, I had to be induced again (unexplained bleeding at 39 weeks and doc wanted baby out) and within minutes contractions started. I LOST IT. I didn't realise how much emotion I was still carrying from the previous birth and I had a complete meltdown, couldn't stop crying and kept having flashbacks of the last time. I ended up again begging for the epidural - the midwife knew I hadn't wanted one and tried to talk me out of it but I was too far gone and was adamant I needed it. So in it went and within 20 mins, baby was born. But I can't get over the guilt/anger at myself for losing control and not being about to get through it....if I'd known the labour was going to be so quick I keep thinking I could have done it. I somehow feel I had 'less' of a birth than my friends who had these lovely natural ones...I live in Ireland which has a 40% epidural rate but it doesn't make me feel any better!
I guess I'm just wondering can anyone relate to this or what your thoughts are on your own epidural, maybe you're glad you got it and can kick me up the bum!

I had it both times and I'm very glad I did! There's no reason to suffer that kind of pain needlessly. The women who don't have one aren't any braver or better, they just had easier births.

There's no shame in effective pain relief.

Nobody's going to kick you up the bum after all that you went through, my love. I defy anyone not to beg for an epidural in that situation. Your baby is just as born as one who was breathed out to the sound of pan pipes! Maybe you could look at some counselling to work through the births.

Whats to feel guilty about, you were in pain and got the epidural to help you! I also got an epidural and don't regret it for one minute, I'm just glad it stopped the pain. Anyway 9 months later the birth seems mostly irrelevant, I don't give it any head space. Hi from Dublin!

I was adamant throughout my whole pregnancy that I wasn't having an epidural. Even wrote it in my birth plan. Told everyone etc.

Was 2 weeks late, induced and after 24 hours of contractions every 3 minutes I was 1cm! Walked into the delivery room and screamed at the poor midwife to get me an epidural. 10 minutes later it was in and I have never felt so much relief. End up with an emergency c section 14 hours later!

The way I look at it...baby and I are both safe and well. It was what we needed at the time to get baby into the world safely and there's no point regretting it as it's done. If I have a second I will likely have to have a c section so will never have a natural birth, and I really don't care. The main goal for me is getting the baby here safely, whatever it takes!

I'm sorry you didn't get the births you wanted but honestly, and as nicely as possible, please just get over this and move on. You've got healthy babies and so what you didn't feel yourself push a baby out - there's people who can't walk, see, pass stools, breath unaided ... the list goes on, yes perhaps you're disappointed but I'm disappointed I had to have sections but I'd much rather that than a world of other negative Things that could have happened

Please just move On and enjoy being a parent

Flumpy - you said exactly what I was about to say.

God no. I’m still a bit pissed off they wouldn’t give me one for DC3.

1&2 were back-to backs and 3 wasn’t, but I still wanted an epidural! Luckily he came very quickly (all 9lb9oz of him 😱)

The natural birth thing is overrated imo.

I think you could benefit from some counselling for the birth trauma from your first birth, as I think this is all related.

There’s no shame in having pain relief. You wouldn’t have your appendix out without anaesthetic, or a tooth pulled without anaesthetic (or at least I wouldn’t!), you haven’t done anything wrong.

My twins birth was as far from ideal as I can imagine - no labour, serious danger, emergency section, botched spinal, babies taken immediately and seven hours of separation from them... but we all survived and were lucky to do so.

I was quite traumatised by it but didn’t realise it for a long time. I’m starting to get some help and I think you should too

I had an epidural with both my children. Labour pain is unbearable! No shame in having one. LIke someone else said: move on and enjoy your children. Everybody experiences pain differently.

I don't think their is anything to feel guilty about. Your baby is here that is all that matters, for what it is worth I said no epidural for DC2 all went to plan until after the birth I retained the placenta so ended up in theatre with an epidural.

You can never plan a birth, what is important is you both survived.

I wanted a water birth so no epidural, then she kept stopping moving around and I was induced. Being induced hurts more.

You don't get a trophy for not taking the pain meds nor should you beat yourself up for taking them. It sounds like you went through something very traumatic twice even with the pain relief.

I am curious though, is it normal to not feel the pushing and baby coming out with an epidural? That surprised me because I felt both minus the pain but I thought that was normal.

As MissConductUS said there is no need to go through so much pain needlessly. Epidurals are there for women to use and there is no shame in that.

I had an emcs and then an elective section because I didn't want to experience the pain of labour and child birth. I'm no less of a mother or woman as a result.

You did what you needed to do at the time. It matters not a jot to anyone else whether you use an epidural or the sound of Tibetan whale singing as pain relief. But it sounds like have a lot of unresolved trauma from your birth experiences that you need to work through. Are you aware of the AIMS Ireland group? They might be able to signpost you through to some specialist services to support you.

You are amazing and were so brave to have another baby after what sounds like an awful experience first time round. I hope you can find peace within yourself.

You really need to be kind to yourself and stop punishing yourself. You gave birth to your baby and both of you are healthy, that is all that matters. A natural birth is not necessarily "lovely", people can experience serious complications during any sort of birth. A friend of mine was left traumatised by a very long drawn out "natural" birth. Perhaps some counselling to work through with the birthday would be helpful for you?

Honestly, your feelings are valid but you're being ridiculous. Who wouldn't want to have proper pain relief going through an experience like that, especially given what your body was remembering about labour from before? I don't give a shit how anyone's baby came out. Putting pressure on yourself to be natural is actually harmful because whatever's right for you and the baby at the time is the best course of action. It's wise to be flexible. Remember they are so very 'natural' in parts of the world that don't offer these advances and consider how lucky we are to have the technology we do.

Kick up the bum from me. I've had 4 births, all epidurals. Birth plan of "as natural as possible" went straight out the window as soon as contractions kicked in. Subsequent births, the birth plan read "epidural asap". It's the worst pain on earth, nobody's handing out medals on the way out, why would anyone not have one! Don't beat yourself up about making a perfectly sensible decision.

Please stop beating yourself up about this, concentrate on the outcome - your healthy baby was born safely!
No one gets a medal for having an epidural free birth! You did what you thought was necessary to deal with the pain of child birth.

OP - I had an epidural both times with mine. With the first I was in agony and hours and hours of contractions. I had an epidural and then dilated very quickly whereas there had been no change before. Second time I knew going in I wanted an epidural as quickly as possible. It was a much better birth. If you needed a tooth extraction would you insist on pain relief? Why feel pain you don't have to? I don't know anyone who had a magical birth.

There not their

Hi, I'm so sorry you had such horrible birth experiences :(
Your first sounds a lot like my labour. Induction, crazy hard contractions and epidural. Baby's heart rate dropped, forceps and being cut.
Then complications after the birth. I was sad about the complications for a while but have since made peace with it. A healthy baby is the goal and you have managed that twice which is amazing.

Epidural wise I feel differently. I actually see it as one of the best decisions of my life 🤣 I begged for it and when it took the pain of the contractions away I could not have been happier/more thankful! I thanked the anaesthetist so many time he thought I was weird.
I am actually worried that second time round I won't be able to get the epidural and it makes me really anxious.

I think (and have said since a million times) the epidural is the best invention in the world!

I have zero regrets. I really hope you're not too hard on yourself. I don't think missing the searing pain of a baby exiting your vagina is anything to be sad about. You have brought two kids into this world. You're amazing! X

Sorry about the random birthdays, that should say both birthday.

Fucking phone, BIRTHS.

I agree with everything flumpybear said. It may sound harsh but you have 3 healthy babies and you are healthy, count your blessings. Forget about it and enjoy life.

OP yabvu you have no need to feel guilty at all. After such a horrendous experience the first time round there's no wonder you panicked. I had a very long labour with my first and had an epidural but it was a bit last min. Didn't have time for one with my second but can honestly say I didn't feel that much different when it actually came to the pushing. Wether that was that the epidural the first time hadn't sunk in properly or not I don't know. Do not feel guilty. If I had a longer labour with my second I would have had another epidural they just wouldn't let me.