To be still beating myself up for having an epidural

[Molldoll831]

Can anyone relate to this? I'm really struggling with the fact that I asked for an epidural during the birth of my little boy, who was born 4 months ago. His older brother came along 3 years ago and for his birth, I was determined to have as natural a birth as possible - I had these visions of what it would be like and of course they all went out the window when my waters broke but contractions didn't start, cue being induced with the oxytocin drip 20 hours later, contractions from hell and me begging for the epidural several hours later. I tore horrendously and his heart rate dropped, I had a postpartum hemorrhage...all in all it was pretty horrific. It took me a long time to process and get over it, and when I fell pregnant this time around I really wanted things to be different. I desperately wanted to have more control over the birth (though I know that's often not possible!) and to go as far as I could without pain relief (bar gas and air) since I never experienced 'normal' contractions the last time. I just really wanted to feel the pushing and feel the baby coming out. This time around, I had to be induced again (unexplained bleeding at 39 weeks and doc wanted baby out) and within minutes contractions started. I LOST IT. I didn't realise how much emotion I was still carrying from the previous birth and I had a complete meltdown, couldn't stop crying and kept having flashbacks of the last time. I ended up again begging for the epidural - the midwife knew I hadn't wanted one and tried to talk me out of it but I was too far gone and was adamant I needed it. So in it went and within 20 mins, baby was born. But I can't get over the guilt/anger at myself for losing control and not being about to get through it....if I'd known the labour was going to be so quick I keep thinking I could have done it. I somehow feel I had 'less' of a birth than my friends who had these lovely natural ones...I live in Ireland which has a 40% epidural rate but it doesn't make me feel any better!
I guess I'm just wondering can anyone relate to this or what your thoughts are on your own epidural, maybe you're glad you got it and can kick me up the bum!

I felt I'd missed out on feeling normal contractions, I missed out on feeling any urge to push

Please allow me to tell you what you missed.

clears throat, arranges mic

FUCK. ALL.

Horrific pain, and FUCK ALL. Like needing the world's most painful shit, and FUCK ALL. There is NOTHING to get out of the experience. It's a means to an end, and a goddamn shite one that would still be killing women and babies all the time if we weren't privileged enough to live where and when we do.

Out of all the things that make me love my son and the experience of him, the feeling of taking the world's most painful, agonising shit for however many fucking hours it was is NOT among them. It is not a moral issue, it is not a Life Experience issue, it sure as fuck is not a Great Mother issue (though it can very easily and naturally be a Dead Mother And Baby issue).

You missed FUCK ALL.

I had my first epidural on my third child and I was thrilled! No issues with the first two births apart from horrendous bloody pain and a tear. (20+ years ago and in Ireland) if and when my dds give birth I will be recommending epidurals to them, why suffer when pain relief is available?

Well I had horrendous pain, that went from 0 to 60 so quickly I was just screaming and then had to beg for an epidural. I felt no urge to push at all, nobody picked up on this and that probably contributed to the bad tear.

The whole thing was traumatic. I had flasbacks for months, reliving everything over and over. I seriously considered sterilisation rather than risk getting pregnant again (difficult pregnancy as well). And nobody would listen to me or do anything. Not one doctor or midwife listened to me.

I'm glad I have MN to offer an alternative to the constant mantra of "natural and med-low is best, every time" BS. Yes, for some. Not others who have different physical attributes, trauma history, pain tolerance, and medical histories.. it's like society sees women as interchangable ovens without individuality!
Natural, no med births are what led (still leads) to maternal deaths, unnecessary suffering, emotional guilt tripping, and interference. Every woman is different, and so are any birth experiences she may have.

You were induced. That automatically increased your likelihood of needing heavy duty pain relief. It wasn't your fault.

Agree with ferrier. The ‘natural’ way of dealing with pain becomes unfeasible, unreasonable, unfair (unjustifiable?) when you are dealing with the unnatural pain of an induced labour. I so hear your pain and guilt at ‘losing it’ (speaking as someone who definitely did this in hospital post birth when exhausted). Please find a way to be kind to yourself

AynRand - excellent post! She some women feel that they must go through this worst pain ever that is child birth because It’s going to make them some how more noble, more complete or what ever. But which in reality leaves a lot of women with a life time of trauma and the experience of that pain haunts them for ever.

Thanks, ShowPony.

If anyone's still stressing that they're less of a mother because they didn't get the feeling of being ripped in two for 15 hours, please have a look at any thread about childhood abuse. And imagine if any of those abusive mothers had tried to claim they were actually great parents because they had A Natural Delivery Without Pain Relief. That'll help you to see what a crock of shit this all is.

It's the downside of being so incredibly privileged that we all can expect to survive childbirth without serious repercussions that we fetishise natural childbirth this way. It's not helpful and I wish they'd all fucking stop. If you had a good birth experience, great, but birth trauma is real, serious and largely overlooked.

I always think guilt is a wasted emotion, and here is a perfect example.

You had pain relief for pain. End of.

Enjoy your baby and stop eating energy on guilt.