To be still beating myself up for having an epidural

[Molldoll831]

Can anyone relate to this? I'm really struggling with the fact that I asked for an epidural during the birth of my little boy, who was born 4 months ago. His older brother came along 3 years ago and for his birth, I was determined to have as natural a birth as possible - I had these visions of what it would be like and of course they all went out the window when my waters broke but contractions didn't start, cue being induced with the oxytocin drip 20 hours later, contractions from hell and me begging for the epidural several hours later. I tore horrendously and his heart rate dropped, I had a postpartum hemorrhage...all in all it was pretty horrific. It took me a long time to process and get over it, and when I fell pregnant this time around I really wanted things to be different. I desperately wanted to have more control over the birth (though I know that's often not possible!) and to go as far as I could without pain relief (bar gas and air) since I never experienced 'normal' contractions the last time. I just really wanted to feel the pushing and feel the baby coming out. This time around, I had to be induced again (unexplained bleeding at 39 weeks and doc wanted baby out) and within minutes contractions started. I LOST IT. I didn't realise how much emotion I was still carrying from the previous birth and I had a complete meltdown, couldn't stop crying and kept having flashbacks of the last time. I ended up again begging for the epidural - the midwife knew I hadn't wanted one and tried to talk me out of it but I was too far gone and was adamant I needed it. So in it went and within 20 mins, baby was born. But I can't get over the guilt/anger at myself for losing control and not being about to get through it....if I'd known the labour was going to be so quick I keep thinking I could have done it. I somehow feel I had 'less' of a birth than my friends who had these lovely natural ones...I live in Ireland which has a 40% epidural rate but it doesn't make me feel any better!
I guess I'm just wondering can anyone relate to this or what your thoughts are on your own epidural, maybe you're glad you got it and can kick me up the bum!

I've been on that drip. It's fucking horrendous.

There is absolutely NO shame in having an epidural anyway, let alone on that evil drip!

The - extremely laudable - movement to de-medicalise birth and help women take back more control unfortunately made itself vulnerable to being turned into another stick to beat women with by reinventing birth as the first maternal achievement. The 'your body knows what to do' stuff has utterly, utterly toxic potential. Bodies don't 'know what to do' a lot of the time, not just in childbirth. Delicate complex systems go wrong. But there seems to have been a cultural decision to link the luck of a good birth to maternal qualities. It's rubbish and I'd go as far as to say it's misogynistic. Women occupied in beating themselves up have strength and energy drained from them and diverted elsewhere.

Your feelings are entirely valid and understandable. I had one birth with an epidural and two without and with the epidural I did miss the sense of working and direction that the contractions had given me. But my second and third births ramped up quickly and I have no shame whatsoever in screeching in transition with dc2 'I want an epidural' (it was too late, he was on the way out).

Nothing at all to feel guilty about. You had what you needed at the time and it made life easier. Be glad. You have two lovely healthy kids and you did the very best you could but their births are now in the past.

The - extremely laudable - movement to de-medicalise birth and help women take back more control unfortunately made itself vulnerable to being turned into another stick to beat women with by reinventing birth as the first maternal achievement.

THIS!!!

I somehow feel I had 'less' of a birth than my friends who had these lovely natural ones

I honestly can't believe you have time to think about this when you have two lovely little ones to keep you occupied. Really? Really?!?!

The body does seem to have its own wisdom, whatever happens in labour. One thing that struck me, reading your post, is that completely losing it when you did may have served you really well in one sense.

I think we clear the way to become a mother each time. By various means.

In my case, for the last week of the first trimester with my second pregnancy, I suddenly kept crying or feeling angry at certain vivid memories of my first labour, but so raw - as if it had just happened.

Losing it the way you did could, for all we know, have really cleared out the previous trauma and reduce risk for pnd, and therefore be really helpful to you and your baby.

I'd be upset at the 20 minutes so can definitely relate to that. Would be wishing I'd had a crystal ball ......

"Natural" does NOT = better

What is "natural"?

1. Vaginal with much needed pain relief?
2. Vaginal with no pain relief?
3. Vaginal with no pain relief and in a birthing unit.
4. Vaginal with no pain relief and at home.
5. Vaginal with no pain relief, in a forest surrounded by the sound of a babbling brook?

(and now lets throw in some other "non-natural" options...)

1. Induction with no pain relief
2. Induction with pain relief
3. Induction with pain relief but ending in an EMCS
4. EMCS

10. Elective c-section

Which one, out of those options is the most favored option, given that the desired outcome for ALL of the options is the same thing? Why do women beat themselves up over something that they have, for the most part, ZERO control over.

As far as I'm concerned the ONLY question a midwife or consulting OBGYN should be asking a laboring woman is "would you like pain relief, and if so what?"

Women have been conditioned for so long to believe that "natural" is better, that "natural" is the ultimate goal and even more so if you go "natural" with no pain relief, like you've reached the top of the parenting mountain before you've even started, because you've felt pain.

It is absolute bollocks. In all my (admittedly anecdotal) experience, if you poll 100 women, they will all have had completely different labors and deliveries. What is it then, that is the difference for them between having a positive birth experience, and having a negative birth experience? I believe it is being heard and being listened to, and thus being in control. Knowing that you can have pain relief when you need it goes a long way to a positive labor outcome.

As far as I can tell, women go into labor with the idea that it's absolutely fucking terrifying because they may or will have to fight for pain relief that they should automatically be entitled to. That's exactly what has got to stop. Chastising and belittling women for needing pain relief when they're birthing a human is disgusting and despicable behavior and needs to stop. Chastising and belittling women for requesting an elective section is disgusting and despicable and needs to stop.

However a woman wants to labor and deliver should be respected. I strongly belief that if the NHS invested more into labor and delivery support, with more freely available pain relief for those who want it (and don't have to fight for it...), they would find that incidences of those who need it actually go down, along with PTSD and PND caused by birth trauma.

There will always be incidences where birthing results in a less than positive outcome, and such is the nature of childbirth. But in a western civilization, we should be fighting against the tide of belittlement and utter contempt for laboring women, especially when it comes with a side of "well women have been doing this for a millennia.." - yeah, well it's been hurting for a fucking millennia too, and here we are, having not made any bloody progress at all.

OP, you cannot help your feelings and you should be allowed to feel them without people making light of them for you. One day you might find your feelings pass or ease, when you move out of the fog of small babies and nursing, as you move further away from the day of the birth but until then, try and ascertain why you feel like you need to beat yourself up about something that is completely out of your control.

You have done exactly what millions of other women have also done, requested pain relief during the most agonizing time of their lives. Feel strong that you didn't deny your body the very thing it needed.

I don't understand. You have a healthy baby. Does it matter? Really?

@BewareOfDragons
ain’t that the truth.

There has always been an underlying belief in societies that women should expect to suffer, one way or another.

I was begging for an epidural for the last bit of delivery, bizarrely a few minutes before delivery, I think it’s fairly normal, I didn’t get one. Don’t beat yourself up x

I regret loads of things about my birth experience even years later. I had pre-eclampsia and was in hospital already. I hated it in there and felt really emotional, kept bursting into tears. Then I got induced and was in agony screeching away all night. They ignored me most of the time and by morning I was in a right old state. By the time I got into the delivery room I just insisted on an epidural. But that ended up slowing down my labour and I ended up having an EMCS, afterwards I went into shock and couldn't stop shaking for ages so couldn't even hold the baby.
I wish I had been calm and stoical and not made a fuss, screeched and cried. Also I can't help thinking if I'd toughed it out and gone natural I might not have needed the section and gone through all the painful recovery.
Still never mind we don't get marked on it thank goodness.

The epidural is a red herring, I don't think this is really about the epidural.

You had a horrific experience during your first birth and it sounds as though you are still carrying an awful lot of unexplored feelings about that. You'd put a lot of pressure on yourself to be "healed" by having the birth you anticipated the first time this time round.

It sounds as though when you went into labour you had a trauma response (completely understandably) and weren't able to cope. You did what you needed to do to be able to cope in that moment.

You have done fantastically well to cope as well as you have, you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. Please seek some counselling to help you move towards acceptance of your birth experiences. This is not your fault. Take care of yourself.

Aynrandtheobjectivist has put it extremely well.

Seriously, natural childbirth is not all it is cracked up to be when viewed through rose tinted spectacles.

Don't beat yourself up. I've had both natural childbirth (with epidural) and an emergency caesarean also with an epidural. Natural childbirth was shitty. The caesarean was far better.

Wow no, I’d never feel that about my epidural! I knew as soon as I found out I was pregnant I would take one, I’d have taken one for period pain. I didn’t want to be at the stage of trying without then it being too late at the last minute

I had it with my first because of the hormone drip.. they told me I would need it and put it in at the same time. It was the best part of that experience to be honest... it was a difficult labour.
With my second I wanted a natural home birth...
Ended up having to go into hospital due to complications and I did ask for an epidural which they put in and IT DIDNT BLOODY WORK AT ALL!
like not even a little bit.... I cannot tell you how mental I went. I tried to knock myself out with a piece of medical equipment by hitting myself round the head with it and had to be restrained by a doctor.

I had the baby, felt it all! Felt the head coming out, all of that... I was screaming like I was being murdered and it wasnt magical.

Its really not what its cracked up to be. Next time ill be asking for the epidural as soon as I get in there!

Please dont beat yourself up about it! Not all births are the same. Some are horrifically painful and you just cant get through them without any pain relief.
Some women are very lucky and do manage to have relatively straightforward birth where the pain is not intense enough to make them ask for extra pain relief.... But in most cases that really is luck of the draw! You have done nothing wrong... its not under your control as much as you think it is. You can do breathing techniques till the cows come home but unless luck is on your side you will still end up needing pain relief!
(im not saying the breathing techniques are useless btw just that they will not always work)

You were very brave and you did great! Congratulations

Try to get some sort of debrief, and then some good talking therapy. Your first birth may have left you with some residual trauma and it’s very common to have that come back like a hammer in subsequent births.

My anaesthetic failed during my first c section. It was horrific. Even with therapy, when it came to section no 2 I nearly lost it. It’s very primal isn’t it?

You’ve done nothing wrong, there’s no medal given out for birth. The amount of pain you feel is set by foetal positioning plus anatomy on the day. Some women get lucky, others don’t. Natural birth is a lottery.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve had a couple of very unpleasant experiences and it’s really normal to feel like this. If it’s affecting you day to day then I’d definitely see someone if you can. Proper talking therapy rather than cbt or similar

Take care.

Hermionegobackhome

Forget reading between the lines, how about reading the actual lines?! Difficult things happen to people all the time. Childbirth is really not a magical, fairy dust, spiritually uplifting experience most of the time. Mostly, it’s dangerous, painful, risky, exhausting, bloody. Mostly, the only good thing about it is the baby you get out of it, and not all people feel even that.

Imagine someone got mugged walking home from the pub in the dark one night (no, I’m not equating mugging with childbirth, before you go there). Why would that person feel guilty about making sure they don’t do the route alone next time? Or for taking a different route? Or going home earlier next time? Why should she feel that she should be able to do the walk just fine because Equality or whatever. Just why do women subject themselves to this unnecessary guilt, torturing themselves in the pursuit of an ideal that they’ve arbitrarily set themselves? It’s a waste of energy and can be so, so damaging. Evidently.

Op I don't mean this to sound harsh but get over it. Do you think having a "natural" labour and birth would make you special in some way? It doesn't. It astounds me that women actually feel they shouldn't have an epidural. There is no other situation where people are discouraged from making use of the latest medical advances. It's stupid

Awwww, OP - please don't beat yourself up. Your baby boy needed his Mummy to be in the best shape possible, given the most awful circumstances. By having the epidural, you preserved what little strength you possibly could, in order to give him what he needed. You're a great Mummy.

Please be honest with your HV and I really hope they can give you some counselling

I'm so sorry that you had horrible births, it isn't an easy process for some of us. The thing is, giving birth isn't a contest and nobody's handing out medals for bravery. Your children both arrived safely and are healthy, try to focus on that and let go of the notion you had of the perfect birth. Some women manage this, some don't but a lot of it is down to the luck of the draw. The birth of my ds was extremely medicalised, magnesium flush, Emergancy c section, baby removed for 24 hours before I got to hold him. It could be regarded as traumatic but it helps me hugely to remember that he is safe and well and this is just one tiny piece in his and my life story...... enjoy your babies

Natural or medical intervention, your kid will still turn into a grumpy teenager and it won't really matter

The NCT and natural birth promoters have a lot to answer for in my opinion - encouraging this competitive birthing nonsense. What does it matter how your baby comes into the world? All that matters is a healthy baby and a healthy mother. So what if you can’t feel the contractions? They’re pretty over-rated. No-one has less of a birth for not experiencing it in full, it’s a fairly horrible thing to go through, and different for every women. Don’t compare yourself with others, don’t beat yourself up about any aspect of it, move on.

I think that to do that you probably need some help. You could be suffering from some PTSD from your horrendous experience the first time around. Maybe see your GP, and perhaps ask about counselling. But please don’t feel bad about yourself. You’ve brought two new humans into the world and that’s an amazing thing to do

It’s really not helpful to tell a woman she should just be grateful to have her healthy baby.

Childbirth can leave mothers with ptsd and simply being handed a healthy baby isn’t going to erase what a woman has been through. It’s also a pretty low bar to set when it comes to birth- as long as anhealhy baby comes out of you then it’s a been success... no, women deserve to have positive experiences and warm, proud memories of childbirth as often as possible, even if it can be by default traumatic at times.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way OP, I think a lot of women wonder afterwards if the experience would have been better if they’d done xyz. I also hate the culture of guilt around taking pain relief in labour. As others have noted you wouldn’t think twice around pain relief in other situations so why is there the idea of unmedicated birth being superior.

My baby is 8 weeks old tomorrow and the first thing I asked for on the labour ward was an epidural! It was amazing, you don’t get a medal for suffering