To be still beating myself up for having an epidural

[Molldoll831]

Can anyone relate to this? I'm really struggling with the fact that I asked for an epidural during the birth of my little boy, who was born 4 months ago. His older brother came along 3 years ago and for his birth, I was determined to have as natural a birth as possible - I had these visions of what it would be like and of course they all went out the window when my waters broke but contractions didn't start, cue being induced with the oxytocin drip 20 hours later, contractions from hell and me begging for the epidural several hours later. I tore horrendously and his heart rate dropped, I had a postpartum hemorrhage...all in all it was pretty horrific. It took me a long time to process and get over it, and when I fell pregnant this time around I really wanted things to be different. I desperately wanted to have more control over the birth (though I know that's often not possible!) and to go as far as I could without pain relief (bar gas and air) since I never experienced 'normal' contractions the last time. I just really wanted to feel the pushing and feel the baby coming out. This time around, I had to be induced again (unexplained bleeding at 39 weeks and doc wanted baby out) and within minutes contractions started. I LOST IT. I didn't realise how much emotion I was still carrying from the previous birth and I had a complete meltdown, couldn't stop crying and kept having flashbacks of the last time. I ended up again begging for the epidural - the midwife knew I hadn't wanted one and tried to talk me out of it but I was too far gone and was adamant I needed it. So in it went and within 20 mins, baby was born. But I can't get over the guilt/anger at myself for losing control and not being about to get through it....if I'd known the labour was going to be so quick I keep thinking I could have done it. I somehow feel I had 'less' of a birth than my friends who had these lovely natural ones...I live in Ireland which has a 40% epidural rate but it doesn't make me feel any better!
I guess I'm just wondering can anyone relate to this or what your thoughts are on your own epidural, maybe you're glad you got it and can kick me up the bum!

Why does it matter? its not a competition. Ive had two emcs not what. I wanted but pointless beating myself up about it.

I had an elective c section.
I was told at scans at 28, 31 and 34 weeks that my placenta praevia hadn't resolved, so I would need a section at 38 weeks which was booked in after my 34 week appointment. I was called in for an internal scan 6 days later to double check the placenta location so they knew where they could safely cut. At this scan they said I had no visible placenta praevia, and it had likely resolved weeks previously so I could have a natural birth if I wanted. However they also said if I wanted I could keep my scheduled c section.
I chose to have the section. I had mentally prepared myself for it, and panicked at the thought of a natural birth after being told for the majority of my pregnancy that it would be unsafe. I had my child by c section 3 weeks later and it went perfectly. I still feel horrifically guilty that I let my fear stop me doing it "properly", and wish I'd chosen the natural option.

Some times you gotta do what you gotta do! It's nothing to be ashamed off and it doesn't make you any less of a awesome mum!

You wouldn’t have a tooth out with no pain relief- why have a baby with none if you feel you need some.
I had an epidural with induction. I was also nil by mouth for 35 hours by the time she was born. I physically didn’t have it in me to do without.
A friend of mine tells anyone who’ll will listen about her natural, pain relief free births and I just do an internal eye roll and think bully for you.

I had it on my first and was so glad I did. I think it helped me not to panic about the pain because I knew that bit was under control. Btw I know of some who say they had a natural birth meaning they didn't have cs. One in particular says all four children born naturally but if you actually ask they cant remember any of the births because they were totally out of it on medication.

I was induced as my waters broke at 38 weeks. I didn’t want an epidural. I begged for one I the end and got it just before the last contraction before I started to push. I feel more annoyed that they couldnt get the anesthetist to me sooner! And if I ever went through it again (don’t want any more babies) I’d ask for it immediately next time. You don’t win prizes for suffering!

You need to be ok with this and move on. Child birth is bloody horrific but you did it! And you have healthy babies

I haven't read anyone else's responses, but DO NOT feel bad. I have experienced births where I went into labour naturally and a birth where I was induced.

Induced contractions are far more painful, and ramp up so suddenly. I couldn't cope either and needed an epidural. I didn't need one with the natural births.

There's no such thing as 'less of a birth' in my opinion. Whatever it takes to get the baby there safe and healthy is the best way. You chose the epidural because at that point in time it was what you needed. What if you had freaked out with the pain during the birth and started having flashbacks to the previous one?
I am sooo glad I got the epidural as I had a big baby who got completely stuck and had to have suction and episiotomy (all after 25 hours of intense contractions from induction). I shudder to think how i would have survived without it!

I had an epidural first time round. Like you I was induced, although thereafter (apart from an episiotomy, ouch) the birth was fairly straightforward.

Second time round I really wanted a drug-free waterbirth. I got it, no complications, straightforward birth. I spent 90 minutes after my baby was born swearing loudly about how much it FUCKING HURT, FUUUUUCK THAT FUCKING HURT and WHAT WAS WRONG WITH BLOODY DRUGS ANYWAY.

Bless you, honestly, you did brilliantly. Don't berate yourself for having the good sense to spare yourself from needless pain. Congratulate yourself on having given birth to another lovely baby

Like others have said, if sounds like you would benefit from some counseling regarding the births of your children. It will help you come to terms with what has happened.

Birth and labour is a bodily function like anything else and every body is different. Would you consider someone to be weak because they couldn't walk without medical assistance? It is not in any way a failing on your part and what has happened to you is not really anything you could control. Who is to say that things would have happened as quickly if you didn't have the epidural? It could have been having the pain relief that made labour easier for you this time around.

I'm writing this as someone who has had a very difficult first birth and complications prior to having my second. I have never given birth naturally (both were sections). As my children grow and flourish and I grow as a mother, I've learned to see that their birth was just one day in what will hopefully be a lifetime of very happy memories. It doesn't make them or I less of a person. But counseling really did help me to get to this point.

More power to you girl !!! I have a undeniable fear of c-sections. and epidurals especially after induction can often lead to c-section, i wish I was brave enough to ask for an epidural !! Instead I just told DH to shoot me or kill me somehow and when the head was coming out oooooh I felt that I felt it so much I screamed at the midwife ' there's a f king head in my vagina'

Have faith in yourself and the decisions you and your body made when they needed to be made. Why put yourself needlessly through pain?

FFS ‘natural childbirth’ needs to fuck right off. Women die all over the world every day because of natural childbirth.

Maybe you’ll like to chew on a leather strap rather than take a GA for a major operation?

Have a tooth extracted with pliers and no local anaesthetic?

Why are woman primed to feel guilty if they don’t feel the pain of childbirth?

You grew a human being inside you, carried him around for 9 months while getting on with your everyday life, and delivered him safely into the world. Whatever way you did that is good enough.

I was disappointed that I needed an emergency c-section until I figured out that if I was giving birth 100 years ago, my baby would more than likely not have survived a "natural" labour.

I had natural birth first time and an epidural second. If I had my time again I would choose an epidural over natural childbirth everytime. Why do people romanticise about what to many women is unbearable pain? Stop beating yourself up about this op.

Molldoll what you are describing sounds like PTSD flashbacks.
You really really shouldn’t bat yourself up for that.
You didn’t loose control, you had no control because sometimes we can’t control everything in our life. And it’s ok (If uncomfortable) as in you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.
Just like you wouldn’t expect someone to feel guilty because they got ill or had an accident out of their control.

Giving is just that. Giving birth. One way of giving isn’t better than the other. It just IS.

But I wouod really encourage you to have some counselling around bith your experiences. It sounds like you need it (with VERY very good reason!)

Oh you poor love. It sounds like you had a really rough time with your first. So you probably were taken straight back there, emotionally/mentally, as soon as labour kicked in the 2nd time.
Please don’t beat yourself up. Do you have two healthy lovely children to show for it? I think, from what you’ve said, that you do. That’s the most important thing to focus on. Enjoy them.

This post has actually made me quite angry. Not everybody can have every experience in the world. Them’s the breaks. You’ve not been robbed, you’ve nothing to feel guilty about. In the nicest possible way, I think you need to get over yourself. Count your blessings and move on.

I had natural, DSis had an epidural, BFF had a caesarian, another friend adopted. We all ended up with healthy beautiful babies and that's all that matters. We're all mums no matter what our birthing experience (or lack thereof).

How the baby arrives and what we do to get them here is irrelevant. If this is really sticking in your head, talk it out with a professional.

I was asked what pain relief I wanted in labour and it was between an epidural or a diamorphine injection. I chose the latter as they said it worked quicker. And I was also scared of an epidural as I have a bad back and was worried it would make it worse. I also had gas and air.

I don't blame any woman for doing what they can to cut down on pain. I'd had extreme sciatic pain in my right leg for the previous week before DD was born and they put the injection in my right bum cheek. When I got out the bed after she was here the fact I could walk without pain was amazing!

However it wore off and the pain came back 2 days later to the point I was scared to carry her incase I dropped her.

Would you have a tooth out without pain relief? NOPE! Absolutely no need to beat yourself up xx

Some people d9nt seem to be able to read between the lines here. Which is unusual for MN.

The OP has experienced a really bad birth the first time around.
She has flashbacks and went into panic mode during the birth.
And is now beat8ng herself for doing so.

The last th8ng she need is someone having a go at her for ‘counting her blessings’.
And yes I’m looking at you 7salmons

Kicking someone when they are down is crap.
Licking someone who clearly had some massive anxiety/panic during their birth is totally crap too.
A bit of compassion could help.

I wanted a natural hypnotherapy water birth too - I was actually looking forward to it. In the end I was overdue, induced, had horrible contractions, begged for all the drugs, got the epidural and ended up with a emcs.

I was so disappointed too. But you wouldn't have asked for an epidural if you weren't in so much pain that you desperately needed one. You made the right choice at the time, even if it wasn't the choice you planned for. Please don't have regrets - talk to your midwife and go through a case review as it could give you closure. But most of all just try to enjoy your little ones.