To be still beating myself up for having an epidural

[Molldoll831]

Can anyone relate to this? I'm really struggling with the fact that I asked for an epidural during the birth of my little boy, who was born 4 months ago. His older brother came along 3 years ago and for his birth, I was determined to have as natural a birth as possible - I had these visions of what it would be like and of course they all went out the window when my waters broke but contractions didn't start, cue being induced with the oxytocin drip 20 hours later, contractions from hell and me begging for the epidural several hours later. I tore horrendously and his heart rate dropped, I had a postpartum hemorrhage...all in all it was pretty horrific. It took me a long time to process and get over it, and when I fell pregnant this time around I really wanted things to be different. I desperately wanted to have more control over the birth (though I know that's often not possible!) and to go as far as I could without pain relief (bar gas and air) since I never experienced 'normal' contractions the last time. I just really wanted to feel the pushing and feel the baby coming out. This time around, I had to be induced again (unexplained bleeding at 39 weeks and doc wanted baby out) and within minutes contractions started. I LOST IT. I didn't realise how much emotion I was still carrying from the previous birth and I had a complete meltdown, couldn't stop crying and kept having flashbacks of the last time. I ended up again begging for the epidural - the midwife knew I hadn't wanted one and tried to talk me out of it but I was too far gone and was adamant I needed it. So in it went and within 20 mins, baby was born. But I can't get over the guilt/anger at myself for losing control and not being about to get through it....if I'd known the labour was going to be so quick I keep thinking I could have done it. I somehow feel I had 'less' of a birth than my friends who had these lovely natural ones...I live in Ireland which has a 40% epidural rate but it doesn't make me feel any better!
I guess I'm just wondering can anyone relate to this or what your thoughts are on your own epidural, maybe you're glad you got it and can kick me up the bum!

There has always been an underlying belief in societies that women should expect to suffer, one way or another.

God, yes. I remember midwives and relatives trying to reassure me that it was okay that I needed an EMCS with DS1, and saying not to feel disappointed. I sort of nodded along, but remember thinking 'WTF would I feel disappointed to avoid labour?'. I was just secretly relieved tbh but women feel like they'll be judged if they say this out loud somehow.

When DS2 was due I had several midwives try and tell me that it was great that I had no complications, so there was no reason I would miss out on a natural birth this time (really, one actually phrased it this way). They seemed put out when I said hell, no, I'm having an ELCS thanks, having researched it. And the 'missing out' on labour was the best 'pro' on my list!

I can’t relate at all. I had pain relief in all my births and an epidural with the first.

Honestly you sound traumatised, it’s not normal to fixate on this one thing. It’s not an issue. It’s perfectly standard and I can guarantee you no one cares.

Please let it go and consider some counselling to talk through your feelings.

I had an epidural for both of mine. Yes, it might mean that I have a lower pain threshold than some martyrs out there, but I don't beat myself up over it.
I think you just need to let it go.

@Passthecake30 your comment is a bit offensive. I wouldn’t dream of implying that women who had epidurals are somehow weaker than those who didn’t because it’s not true. So why is it ok for you to make out that women who don’t are somehow looking to be called martyrs?

Having an epidural doesn't make you a bad person, just like giving birth with no pain relief doesn't make you a saint.
At the end of the day it doesn't matter how you give birth - you've created life and that's pretty badass.
I was determined not to have an epidural and I ended up begging for one, not having time to have one and having an EMCS under general anaesthetic. Shit happens. Congrats on the baby

I had an appendectomy with just a dose of smelling salts.

Says no one, ever.

I cannot understand the competition to have as little pain relief as possible, and that some women are complicit in this competition when they know what childbirth is like is really baffling. Never feel guilty. Or indeed proud! Why....?

I'm an HCP and have always had an interest in the history of medical practice. Few people today understand what a huge turning point anesthesia and effective pain relief was. People used to commit suicide rather than undergo surgery. Amputations were done on conscious patients.

Take whatever pain relief you can. You don't have to suffer like your grandmother did.

I had an epidural when I had my son 6 months ago. I wasn't planning to at all, I wanted a water birth but after 12.5 hours with nothing but a TENS machine and at 6cm I changed my mind as I thought if I don't have one now it might be too late. Best decision ever and I didn't care what anyone thought. I still had a good birth (albeit an assisted one with ventouse) with lovely dim lighting and music and as my baby came in the middle of the Beast From the East snowstorm I got to watch the snow as well from my bed. It was lovely and calm.

Ah that sounds lovely Lynsey

OMG I had an epidural for my third, I was too late in my first and third. I truly believe it’s one of the great inventions of all time. I regret that I couldn’t have one before. Why would anyone go through searing agony when they don’t have to?

Why on Earth? Do you berate yourself if you have an anaesthetic at the dentist? Or take nurofen for a headache? Advances in medical science exist for a reason - enjoy them! Your children were born successfully - none of the rest matters!

I hate this whole “natural birth is better” thing has always baffled me. I didn’t have an epidural in labour but I wasn’t against having one at all if I needed it (and actually I did eventually ask for one but I was progressing too quickly to have time for it to work!). It baffles me the most though when you say to midwives that you don’t really have a plan, that you just want you and baby to be alive and well at the end of it and that you are open to any options they all look at you like you’re a bit weird. Like you should turn up and demand whale music or something. Anyway. You should absolutely not feel like a failure- you’re a freaking superhero who delivered two babies! Any woman who delivers a baby is a bloody goddess and it’s of absolutely no consequence to anyone else whether you had all the drugs or gave birth in a bush chanting ancient affirmations.

HRTFT

I totally relate to this. I did have the "all natural , drug free" birth and I'm still suffering flashbacks because it still wasn't what I wanted or pictured in my head.

I won't tell you how much much it doesn't matter that you had an epidural because I know that won't make you feel better because it doesn't make me feel any better. However , I hope you do know it doesn't make anyone any better than you and it literally makes 0 difference to the baby, there's no extra award at the end.

Have you spoken to anyone about this? Had a debrief ? It could clarify a lot in your head , the way I describe my feelings towards my birth is it's like I'm "mourning" for the birth I wanted , it may sound drastic to some but that's exactly how I feel.

FWIW , it hurts like fuck.

I had an epidural for my first and nothing for my second, got to hospital too late for pain relief. Yes that meant it was a much shorter labour but after my 13 hours with an epidural about 5 hours in I got to cuddle my baby before going to theatre for stitching. After my 40 mins at the hospital second time around I could just about not drop baby. I had to use my arms to hold him more than my hands as they weren’t working and I didn’t stop shaking from the shock for an hour. I didn’t really want to hold the baby tbh. My older son had a better experience from meeting his mummy after the epidural birth than my (very beautiful and loved) newest son did. They will both be just fine of course.

Yes you are being unreasonable at being so upset over it.

Why does it even matter?

I don't understand the concept of looking birth as an occasion in it own right. To me it's a process and the outcome is hopefully the delivery of a healthy baby, which you've got.

I think you've romanticised a natural birth but I just don't get why you really care.

I had no pain relief with ds not out of choice I kept asking got nothing but gas and air. It was horrendously painful and not enjoyable in any way. Had a C-section with DD.

Both had good outcomes.

Seriously get a grip and move on.

My labours are too fast for any sort of pain relief. But they are not "lovely" and I certainly didn't "breathe" any of them out. Birth isnt called "labour" for no reason. It's bloody hard work.

A lot can go wrong and every woman should do whatever she can to make sure her baby is born safely, as well as taking care of her own mental and physical health.

It sounds to me like you've done ecactly that. Please, be proud and enjoy your babies.

My gosh you are so harsh on yourself. Listen we get over the birth the best way we can. As long as you and your baby are ok that's all that matters.
I gave birth without anything. I lost control because I couldn't stand the pain. Gas and air made me sick so no option there.
I was in labour for 3 hours and 50 minutes.
My third child 18 year gap between them.
I cried and screamed like I was being murdered.
I really think it's less traumatic to get an epidural. I thought I was going to die.
I don't feel like a hero at all for having a natural birth. We are all amazing regardless of how we give birth.
Please don't think less of yourself you did it.

Good grief. OP, in the nicest possible way, get a grip 😊
You are no less of a mother, you had no less of a birth. I can not understand the idea that feeling a higher degree of pain equates to anything other than feeling a higher degree of pain!

Proud elective c section here. I've been told that I didn't give birth, an unnatural mother, and all round posh lazy diva. I even had a plastic surgeon do my scar because why the fuck not.

If I'm having an insignificant procedure like a tooth out, I don't refuse the anaesthetic then boast to people that I did so, and imply it somehow made me better than someone who opted not to be in pain. Because they'd rightly think I was an eejit.

Now swap that procedure with something as monumental as the birth of your child. Where you need to be as fit and able for that tiny person to depend on from the moment they appear. Did you put yourself through a less stressful and painful experience? Yes. Did this mean you were more comfortable to deal with the baby instantly? Yes. So you made the right decision for you and your child, and there's no way that can be "less of a birth"

The poster above I think is spot on, that you've romanticised a natural birth. For all you know, it could have been fine, or maybe it would have left you traumatised, you don't know that either. That epidural might have been the best decision you made.

Go and have a cuppa xx

I asked for an epidural 😬 it was fab; although to be fair I got it before I went into any kind of labour... because well I don't like pain! In fact I requested a c-section!!!!

I ended up having an emergency section anyway...

Then had a elective second time around.

My mantra is take the drugs, that's why they are there!!!! Take them!

In fact if I could have someone be pregnant etc for me then present me with 3-4 year old I'd probably take that too.

Don't beat yourself up... move on.

Also I pro c-sections! ( for myself anyways) because I just couldn't imagine after the long slog of pregnancy to muster the energy & courage to push my children out... NOPE!

Fantastic post from the anaesthetist upthread.

I had the experience of the epidural relaxing everything, meaning that having spent to miserable days getting to 3cm, I progressed to 10cm in an hour. Everything then stalled after that, admittedly.

I found the pain directing and the lack of pain disorientating, but the pain of late labour is fear-inspiring - my latter (non-epidural) labours ere very fast, and the thought of enduring that level of pain over hours is frightening.

HCPNameChange's post should be pinned. Especially the bits about politics. There's so very much misinformation and bullshit seeping around.

Would you have an operation without pain relief/anaesthesia?

So why is giving birth considered any different from any other medical procedure?

Child birth is definitely overtly romanticised. It’s almost like a competition as to who had or not had pain relief, as if automatically you become a better human being and mother if you had a pure natural labour. Don’t think so.

I just read some history where in the Victorian era anesthesia or other pain meds during childbirth was considered immoral by the church and it seems any other institution (run by men). Then Queen Vic decided to have the assistance of Dr John Snow who was developing the use of anesthesia during her last two births (Leopold and Eugenie) and attitudes changed. In other words a powerful WOMAN had to take the lead. Don't bring moral judgment into whether a woman chooses pain relief, be grateful we have the option! (As we know she had 9 children so she knew what to expect during birth.)

I get it, I felt similarly (induced, horrendous pain, epidural, baby rushed off to SCBU, I had a bad tear) and think part of it, for me, was because I found the birth so traumatic.

I felt I'd missed out on feeling normal contractions, I missed out on feeling any urge to push - I felt nothing at all. The whole thing just left me in shock and numb at first, it was so quick to ramp up from nothing to unbearable. And I'd not planned on having an epidural.

It got better, over time. Four months isn't very long at all, I was still recovering physically at that point! Recovering mentally took a bit longer. Be kind to yourself and if necessary see your GP about counselling or have a chat with your health visitor, but it really is still early days.