To be still beating myself up for having an epidural

[Molldoll831]

Can anyone relate to this? I'm really struggling with the fact that I asked for an epidural during the birth of my little boy, who was born 4 months ago. His older brother came along 3 years ago and for his birth, I was determined to have as natural a birth as possible - I had these visions of what it would be like and of course they all went out the window when my waters broke but contractions didn't start, cue being induced with the oxytocin drip 20 hours later, contractions from hell and me begging for the epidural several hours later. I tore horrendously and his heart rate dropped, I had a postpartum hemorrhage...all in all it was pretty horrific. It took me a long time to process and get over it, and when I fell pregnant this time around I really wanted things to be different. I desperately wanted to have more control over the birth (though I know that's often not possible!) and to go as far as I could without pain relief (bar gas and air) since I never experienced 'normal' contractions the last time. I just really wanted to feel the pushing and feel the baby coming out. This time around, I had to be induced again (unexplained bleeding at 39 weeks and doc wanted baby out) and within minutes contractions started. I LOST IT. I didn't realise how much emotion I was still carrying from the previous birth and I had a complete meltdown, couldn't stop crying and kept having flashbacks of the last time. I ended up again begging for the epidural - the midwife knew I hadn't wanted one and tried to talk me out of it but I was too far gone and was adamant I needed it. So in it went and within 20 mins, baby was born. But I can't get over the guilt/anger at myself for losing control and not being about to get through it....if I'd known the labour was going to be so quick I keep thinking I could have done it. I somehow feel I had 'less' of a birth than my friends who had these lovely natural ones...I live in Ireland which has a 40% epidural rate but it doesn't make me feel any better!
I guess I'm just wondering can anyone relate to this or what your thoughts are on your own epidural, maybe you're glad you got it and can kick me up the bum!

Oh no please stop! If you'd had a paunfree labour and decided on an epidural it'd still be your choice, but drip
Inductions are evil. You have a healthy baby- that's enough!!

Women deserve positive experiences, but it is not always possible to have one. It's not wholly within our control.

I don't think the fetishisation of natural birth is helping women to have positive experiences.

Feel for you OP. I have 3 DC. DC1 came into the world much the same as yours. I still feel that a lot of problems, complications, including my prolonged recovery postnatally stemmed from having an epidural and the cascade of interventions caused by that. I very much wanted to avoid epidurals (and any kind of augmented labour/induction) after that.

I have been very lucky in that I managed to with DC2+3, but it was about chance rather than anything else. I certainly didn’t feel I had more control. It was simply that first -I managed to go into a good going labour spontaneously each time so avoided induction/augmentation -both of which making you much more likely to need a epidural as labour is longer with more painful contractions with these interventions. The second thing is that after a relatively tolerable latent phase, it turns out I have a very short transition and second stage. I seem to go from tolerable contractions at 4cm to crowning in about 15 minutes. So when I hit transition and lose control (and start screaming for all and any pain relief) there is literally no time to give it. So I can promise you, while I gave birth twice on nothing but gas and air, I lost control as much as anyone else, screamed for pain relief, but there was no time for anyone to act on it -not even paracetamol or a quick morphine injection. No bravery involved. I wouldn’t say my births were easy, other than being over quickly...which brings its own complications.

Thanks so much for such compassionate and kind responses; you've definitely given me food for thought about what's underlying this whole epidural thing and made me consider the trauma from before (As well as feel a hell of a lot better about the whole thing and a lot more normal!) Especially the points about the whole hypnobirthing/natural birth movement and how damaging it can be. There is definitely a narrative out there around painfree childbirth which can get into your head whether you realise it or not.

Those who are telling me to "get over it" or questioning how I have time to think about it with two children to care for (a particularly harsh response I thought), I'n not really sure how I can respond nicely so I think it's best I don't say anything at all.

xx

I had epidurals with both of mine. With my first I didn't have a birth plan as such and decided, once the serious contractions started after I had to be induced, that I wanted one. It was brilliant, and removed the fear as well as the pain. It was a lovely birth and I could feel the baby being pushed out. Second time I asked for one straight away. The midwife said "don't you want to start with gas and air or pethidine?" I said "No thanks, just give me an epidural please". It wasn't quite the lovely experience the first was but it was still a good birth. All I ever wanted from child birth was to be rewarded with a healthy baby. Nothing else mattered to me and I certainly don't think I missed out on anything by having an epidural.

OP there's no shame in pain relief.

I think this might be related to birth trauma from your first too. Counselling maybe? If it was as simple as forgetting it you'd have done that and wouldn't be posting I guess.

I really wish I had had one!

Oh and thanks so much to those sharing birth stories, it's actually really helpful to hear what others have been through and realise how many different kinds of births there are. I know from my own two births and from talking to others that birth experiences can stay with you for a long long time, especially one that was traumatic, so I hope those of you who had similar experiences are doing ok and are healing from whatever may have happened xx

You poor thing. Contact the Midwifery Dept where you delivered and request meeting someone for a 'De-brief'.
Where I work there is a Counsellor who's also a Midwife and sees ladies who've experienced similar traumatic births to yours.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.x

molldoll I had a very similar experience to you first time round, was induced on the drip, tried to hang on without an epidural and eventually got one and it was just such a relief. I too felt guilty and like I was less ‘brave’ than people who hadn’t had one.

Then I had my second baby, incredibly straightforward, in the pool, gas and air. It did hurt but the pain was NOTHING LIKE my first birth. It was manageable and I felt in control. It really hit home that induction is a totally different ball game. If I was induced again I would have no hesitation in getting an epidural from the start. You did the right thing I promise.

Well you must just stop beating yourself up - this is nonsense, all this natural birth worship. Natural birth left mums and babies lost and terrible pain endured over thousands of years.

Really truly, we are so lucky to have this sort of pain relief and obstetric care. Your baby is fine and so are you. This really truly is nonsense.

Sorry to sound so harsh but this is crazy - get on with your life, you lucky lady.

nope. epidural fine. not surprising you are finding it difficult though, given the troublesome birth you had.

with number two I was thinking of writing across my stomach in black marker pen:

I WANT AN EPIDURAL

I was full of self loathing for my ‘failures’ when delivering my first child. He’s 10 this month and I don’t care so much anymore.

After his birth someone said to me (or I read it, I can’t remember but it stuck with me) that if you swap ‘birth’ for ‘dental treatment’ doesn’t it sound completely ridiculous that women beat themselves up for having pain relief for dental work? Feeling like a failure because they needed anaesthetic for removing a wisdom tooth?

I’m pretty sure it’s not quite like that, and it must be pretty magical to deliver a baby without any intervention at all, I can imagine women feel like a superhero for doing that. If I had a wisdom tooth out without pain relief, I’d be telling everyone. But that wouldn’t mean everyone who did have pain relief was a failure.

There’s a lot of expectations on women these days. Delivering a baby, regardless of anything else, is enough.

I find the constant attitude towards the "right" or "more worthy" type and choice of labor baffling.

We all have different risk attitudes, pain tolerance, emotional trauma, resilience and physiques... There IS no "better", we each choose what's right for us at any given time.

Without wanting to offend anyone, but is this idea that women "shouldn't" seek pain relief linked to the heavy fucked up baggage leftover from patriarchal religion...? It's so baffling!

Midwife here. I'm going to say that having had an epidural doesn't make you any less of a woman or mother than if you hadn't had one. You have still conceived, grown and birthed a baby. That in itself is something to celebrate no matter how this baby arrived into the world or what you had to help you cope at the time.

And believe me, no one will look down on you for having taken what you needed to get through, and that's without your previously traumatic experience. I've seen many, many women labour and every single one of them is a hero in my eyes, their labour choices make not one not of difference.

You get no medals for going pain relief free. Be proud that you've birthed two babies into the world and try not to dwell on one detail of the labour when your body has actually done something magnificent. You're a mum, and that is something special. Nothing takes that away, epidural or no epidural.

I hope the replies on this thread has helped you come to a bit of peace over this, don't beat yourself up.

Gunty what a lovely post!

Childbirth is not a competition to see who had the most drug free birth or who can deal with the most pain. The most important thing is to have a healthy baby at the end of it.

I had epidurals with both of mine, and it doesn't bother me one bit. I can't say it's ever come up in conversation with anyone else either.

I think (in the kindest possible way) you have to move on from this. You have healthy children and that's what matters, there are more important things to worry about as a parent!

I really don't see why it is seen as in any way a "cheat" or a "failure" to have an epidural. Would you have any other medical procedure without available pain relief? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you need to stop beating yourself up. You are lucky to have had a healthy child. I had two elective c-sections. These were for medical but not obsetric reasons but even if they had just been because that is what I wanted, so what? I don't feel like I had less of a birth - I'd be quite furious with anyone who suggested I'd taken an easy way out.

I do think you need to deal with your unresolved trauma from the first birth. But stop torturing yourself about taking the available pain relief 2nd time around. It's not a big deal.

It doesn't matter to anyone but you. Really, after the first few months no one cares or is interested as they're too busy boasting about sleeping through the night!!!!!! Maybe a chat with Health Visitor?

After my first epidural an acquaintance of mine became pregnant and delighted in stating "No bastard is putting drugs in my body", "I'm an athlete, I have a high pain threshold", "I know what it's like to go through the pain barrier" etc. etc. She was an (arrogant) athlete and I know she looked down on me and my pathetically low, non-competitive athlete, pain threshold. Well she ended up having every drug going and an epidural, so to reconcile this she insisted it was the worst labour in the history of woman-kind. It was such an issue for her, but really no big deal as far as I or anyone else was concerned. Why do women like to beat themselves up like this?

You can put whatever the fuck you like in my body if it means both I and my baby will live to tell about it.

Why is this notion of pain free touted so highly?

My (male) obstetrician told me to go for whatever pain relief was available. As he put it- you would not have your teeth pulled out without anesthetic because it was natural, would you?

Technology improves, so take advantage of improvements. This is why more births have a good outcome, rather than the rates of 100 years ago.

With both of mine, necessity took over and it was completely out of my hands. DS, (conceived after many years of infertility and subsequent miscarriages), got stuck and it was a struggle to ‘get him out’. I’d had an oxytocin drip too, and was wired up to other various machines as I was diabetic etc. Induction failed and after a very long time they decided to do a C section. He was still very stuck and needed ventouse and forceps! I was just glad he was ‘out’ and the whole thing was still quite positive.
Not so my DD; I still have flashbacks to her birth as I was very poorly and lost a large amount of blood. She was fine, and so was I eventually. I think we all worry that we could have done things better/differently, but things often go very differently to the ‘plan’. I always feel guilty that my DD birth fills me with bad memories not happy ones, but I’m just glad we both came through it.

Just wanted to add that even if they had gone more smoothly, I’d still have chosen to have an epidural- try not to beat yourself up over it (I know it’s not easy). Sending my best wishes.

You poor thing, please don’t beat yourself up! The oxytocin drip induces contractions that are not natural, sometimes with double peaks and so powerful that there is a risk of uterine rupture. No way should you try to get through it naturally, that doesn’t make sense. I had the drip and an epidural before it began, on the advice of the midwives. You delivered your beautiful baby and that makes you a champion!