To be still beating myself up for having an epidural

[Molldoll831]

Can anyone relate to this? I'm really struggling with the fact that I asked for an epidural during the birth of my little boy, who was born 4 months ago. His older brother came along 3 years ago and for his birth, I was determined to have as natural a birth as possible - I had these visions of what it would be like and of course they all went out the window when my waters broke but contractions didn't start, cue being induced with the oxytocin drip 20 hours later, contractions from hell and me begging for the epidural several hours later. I tore horrendously and his heart rate dropped, I had a postpartum hemorrhage...all in all it was pretty horrific. It took me a long time to process and get over it, and when I fell pregnant this time around I really wanted things to be different. I desperately wanted to have more control over the birth (though I know that's often not possible!) and to go as far as I could without pain relief (bar gas and air) since I never experienced 'normal' contractions the last time. I just really wanted to feel the pushing and feel the baby coming out. This time around, I had to be induced again (unexplained bleeding at 39 weeks and doc wanted baby out) and within minutes contractions started. I LOST IT. I didn't realise how much emotion I was still carrying from the previous birth and I had a complete meltdown, couldn't stop crying and kept having flashbacks of the last time. I ended up again begging for the epidural - the midwife knew I hadn't wanted one and tried to talk me out of it but I was too far gone and was adamant I needed it. So in it went and within 20 mins, baby was born. But I can't get over the guilt/anger at myself for losing control and not being about to get through it....if I'd known the labour was going to be so quick I keep thinking I could have done it. I somehow feel I had 'less' of a birth than my friends who had these lovely natural ones...I live in Ireland which has a 40% epidural rate but it doesn't make me feel any better!
I guess I'm just wondering can anyone relate to this or what your thoughts are on your own epidural, maybe you're glad you got it and can kick me up the bum!

I didn't have an epidural with my first.. i always said I'd go as far as I could with just gas and air. But when those real contractions started I begged for one, but I was too far gone and had to go without. I'm due again any day and Iv said upfront to anyone that will listen that id like an epidural this time. I think every woman should have what suits them. And I felt so out of it at the birth of my daughter because I was completely exhausted and in agony. So this time, if all is straight forward, I'd like an epidural so I can hopefully be a bit more present during the birth!
Also I didn't feel like a champion or super woman for giving birth without pain relief. I felt like I'd pushed a watermelon out my foof with no dignity at all.

Your babies were delivered in good health and you did that, so don't regret whatever way you had to do it to get them out, your a superwoman either way

I managed one with gas an air and pethadin, then the second was an EMCS, due to dropping heart rate, I had an epidural for that. The third was born by EMCS, but I was too far gone to stay still long enough for an epidural, so I had to have anaesthetic.

DD2 was very poorly, I was in ICU after DS, my third child.

Now though, we are all fine. At the end of the day, that is what matters. We all came out of it well and are still alive 12 years on. Of course I have little twinges of envy when I hear about people having all natural births for all of their DC, then I remember what really matters, give my children a hug and get on with life!

Oh goodness, please don't beat yourself up about this. Just because what you wanted changed a bit -- you're completely entitled to decide, on the spot, whatever pain relief you think is best in the circumstances.

You definitely didn't have 'less of a birth', you are an awesome mama who grew a whole damn beautiful baby inside you and gave birth to it. Well done.

I also just want to add that what you said you wanted the second time around was "control over the birth", which is absolutely what women should be entitled to have, and it sounds as if you did and as if you exercised it in making the decision that was right for you! That's massively empowering when you think about it.

I’ve not had pain relief for any of my births, and I always get told I’m brave or whatever.. it’s not true. I think some women just suffer more than others.
How would you push if your body physically can’t due to pain? Everybody has a threshold and it’s nothing to do with anything else other than that.

What’s important is that you had pain relief so that you could safely bring your child into the world. If I got to the point where I was struggling to focus then I’d do the same and not think twice about it. The only reason I didn’t want it ASAP was because I wanted to be up and about straight away, nothing to do with the actual pain relief. I get panicky so not being able to walk around would put my anxiety through the roof!

You did amazing, you brought a child into the world!

What's 'natural'?

Death and infection are natural. Natural is neither good or bad.

You survived, you came through it. You created life.

That's more than enough to be proud.

OP, sorry for your traumatic experiences. But child birth is not a competition. Thank god for pain relief during birth. Why , if we have all these wonderful medical advances, does a woman have to suffer such horrendous pain when she really doesn’t need to, and she absolutely can’t take it any more? Why? There’s nothing noble about it.

I had two natural births and was absolutely determined to have them but..... If induced I was calling for an epidural. It's simply not the same, it's not natural so it makes sense that an epidural is very often the sensible decision. I know someone who refused one, ftm, during induction in similar circumstances and the birth was absolutely traumatic and she took years to get over it, said she hadn't a clue. You do what you have to to have the right birth for you. Congratulations and I hope with time you can let this regret go. It didn't effect your baby but a morose mum might. X

Do you generally expect yourself to be perfect? Do you like to be in control at all times?
Who cares if you had an epid... honestly. Or if you puked or poo'd in front of people. You survived, baby is well. Done & dusted.

Oh please don’t feel bad about this! I endured 18 hours of back to back labour and then went on to have very severe tearing, all without an epidural. I wish every day that I didn’t feel the pain of tearing (up and down- I didn’t even know that was possible and it was truly horrific) all I had was local anesethic for the stitching part because they didn’t realise how bad the tear was (3rd degree) and it went unrepaired.
I wish I had had en epidural because I was told they would probably have done a more thorough examination if I’d had one and noticed and repaired the tear properly.
Oh and My son is two so this was not very recent.
I suppose my point is that neither option are great and youre an amazing woman for carrying birthing two babies. My medal hasn’t arrived in the post yet for being medication free!!

@itsallajoke I had an epidural and felt nothing- at all, even a little bit. They had to tell me when the baby was coming out. Episiotomy and everything. Felt not a thing. My neighbour said it apparently it’s different each time- she was like me for her first and for her second felt everything minus the pain and was freaking out as it was so different!

That's hard for you. I felt the same years ago about a caesarean after a planned home birth, as a result of a footling breach. I think I grieved on and off for a year. Honestly, it does pass. X

Please get some counselling to deal with the first birth. A lot of maternity hospitals in Ireland give you access to the mental health midwives for 6 months after birth. You need to put some closure on what happened to you.

I gave birth with and without epidural, not by design. On the first I had it, on the second I was too late. I'm no wimp when it comes to pain but what I would have given to have had it the 2nd time round- contractions bloody hurt and I didn't feel for a second like I was in control. I couldn't even think with the pain.

You don't get a trophy for not taking the pain meds nor should you beat yourself up for taking them. It sounds like you went through something very traumatic twice even with the pain relief.

this - to be honest, no one cares whether you had your DC using meds or not - would you have a tooth out without numbing? would you have a bone set without drugs? no?

you had what you needed at the time

why do women feel guilt over the most ridiculously minor things (not having a go at you OP or anyone else - because you cannot help what you feel, thats what makes us human, but really guilt over pain meds???)

I think you need some serious counselling to unpick your emotions around the trauma you have experienced.

Pain relief is a good thing, and having pain relief shouldn't leave you feeling guilty....I think the fear/guilt/shame is all coming from elsewhere, and it isn't deserved, and you do deserve to go free of it.

So please get some help with that!

I get it OP I always said I wasn't fussed whether I had an epidural or not but when it came down to it I was crying in the delivery room because I felt like a failure. I didn't realise how much I'd internalised all the bloody pregnancy yoga affirmations and hypnobirthing stuff about how my body 'knows what to do' (possibly kill my baby if he goes to full term, cheers body) and how with the wonderful power of breathing you can blissfully bring your baby into the world without medicalising a natural process.

I was induced too and holy fuck it was sore. Three days of the pessaries then thirteen hours on the drip. No respite between contractions. It was absolutely fucking awful. The midwife, thankfully, was very kind and told me about the epidurals she'd had with all her babies. It is hard, though, when it's not how you saw it going. And everyone on your pregnancy yoga Facebook page is going on about how they gave birth using only golden thread breathing for relief

My DD was born (by DW) via an Emergency CS, late one Sunday.

I (and DW) were just glad she is here.

I can certainly relate - I had an elcs with my DTs, and conceived via ivf. I felt terrible that I couldn’t conceive naturally, I couldn’t birth them naturally, and I couldn’t feed them naturally. I still do on occasion, then I give my head a wobble and think to myself that I might not have been able to do it the “natural” way but I’ve made two awesome human beings, and who gives a fuck how they got here, and how they’re fed!

Congrats on your new baby, I’m off to give mine a squidge (and a feed!) 💐

As a PP said you have to trust in yourself that you made the right decision for you at the time. I would have gladly given anything for epidurals at both my births but couldn't have one either time for different reasons. It was so painful! Well done on giving birth twice

Firstly I'd like to say that it's ok to feel how you do... just because you have a healthy baby doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have feelings about the birth.

I agree with others who are saying you should get professional help to work through this

I have had a flashback episode before. It was terrifying. And I wasn't giving birth at the same time. So be gentle to yourself. Keep talking. And remember you are amazing. You carried and delivered a child twice. That alone makes you amazing. Hugs OP and hope you can get some help

Well of course you needed an epidural! Unexplained bleeding and all the worry with that, PTSD and an induction, not exactly ideal unmedicated hypnobirthing territory is it? Sometimes the circumstances are simply unconducive.

Main thing now I think is to talk this through with someone. Have you thought of a debrief?

God, your first birth sounds very similar to mine. If you can access it, birth trauma counselling is incredibly worth it. I only realised I had birth trauma when I started to get flashbacks and severe panic attacks at the start of my second pregnancy - I was floored by it all (I thought I'd got over it) but there is really good professional help out there that makes a huge difference.

By the sounds of it you did wonderfully in two incredibly difficult labours; and you got through, despite what sounds like a huge panic attack during labour. As that's my biggest fear going into the next one, you sound pretty heroic to me. Please talk to someone, birth trauma is a real and horrible thing but it is really possible to tackle - google birth trauma association as a start if you like (though I wouldn't look at the Facebook page at first, it can be a bit triggering). But please don't feel bad for anything you did or asked for in labour, epidural included.

Somewhere in the western world, we seem to have forgotten that women and babies used to frequently die horribly during labour or shortly after.

"Natural" means "existing in or derived from nature". It does not mean "safe", "pleasant", "desirable", "superior" or anything like that. Man eating sharks are natural. Erupting volcanoes are natural. Earthquakes are natural. Donald Trump is natural, though his hair isn't.

Childbirth is natural, and it is also a brutal, shitty process that leaves most women damaged in some way, often permanently, and in relatively recent times, before modern interventions, it left an awful lot of women and babies dead.

Seriously, give me a fucking epidural or a C section or forceps or whatever's necessary, because I for one am fucking glad I don't have to rely on Nature. She's a sadistic murderous bitch.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Well put it this way you wouldn't have won a Pride of Britain award for being "brave"
That's exactly what pain relief is for ,relief!

I had a horrible labour with my first which ended in an emergency c.section with me under general anesthesia. I very much wanted the birth experience with my second so tried a VBAC but when things went horribly wrong and I was told I had to have another emergency c section right NOW I had a melt down. Once again I had to have general anesthesia because there was no time to restart the epidural.

If I'd have had a third baby I would have gone for an elective CS. Now I realize it's about bring a healthy baby into the world using any kind of modern technology they have - not our experience.