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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made a massive mistake

242 replies

Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:14

I'm married. I got a crush on a man at work. I'm 99% the feeling was mutual. We used to stare at each other, catch each others eyes. We were very awkward and nervous around each other. It got to the point my heart was pounding when I saw him and rather than being a lovely fantasy in my head it became upsetting and hard to deal with.
I was very upset one day and I stupidly, very stupidly sent him a message telling him about the crush and I said I would never act on it and I respect both our marriages and families. I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest.
I felt like sending the message would be like ripping off a plaster. I could then deal with it and move on.
He didn't reply and I felt mortified. I then apologised face to face. I think he may think I was trying to start something up but I really wasn't. I wanted it out of my head.

I told dh about it all and the message. He trusts me and although he was hurt that my eyes had wandered he appreciated my honesty. We have been fine since.
At work however, the man is still gazing at me. I do avoid him and we don't speak but I can still see him gazing. He's a nice person and not the sort to go blabbing and he's not sleazy with it.
I guess what I wanted him to say was that he feels the same but he loves his wife and then agree to avoid each other...but he said nothing.
It was a pathetic, stupid thing to do and I didn't want to act on it but I just wanted closure.
I know I've made a tit of myself, i just feel upset at myself for doing something do stupid.
I feel like if I didn't admit to him then the crush would go on and on and on and I would be looking out for him at work....now I just get on with things and avoid him.

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 09/09/2018 17:18

Sure you didn’t want anything to happen? Sounds like you did.

TacoFlavouredKisses · 09/09/2018 17:20

Oh cringe. Not sure what you want people to say here OP Sad Best thing you can do is avoid him and you're doing that now.

Chickychoccyegg · 09/09/2018 17:20

not really sure why you felt the need to tell him or your dh, but now you have just move on, ignore him, nothing else you can do really.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:21

In what way did it sound like I did?
I felt ashamed and upset that I had developed feelings for someone else. I love my dh and I couldn't do that to my family nor his. I just wanted to move on sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 09/09/2018 17:21

It seems to have got rid of your crush anyway. The shame will fade with time, we all do stupid things.

CoughLaughFart · 09/09/2018 17:21

What can you do about it now?

FaFoutis · 09/09/2018 17:22

Get a different job?

Whisky2014 · 09/09/2018 17:22

Oh that is cringey and he didnt even reciprocate. At least your husband understood or this could have been very messy indeed. But if that guy is staring I'd fine that creepy tbh. What is he playing at?

HavelockVetinari · 09/09/2018 17:25

He did the right thing not replying - WTF do you even say to a message like that? Literally anything would be wrong. You were also wrong to send it, you put him in a difficult position. Be ashamed, move on.

Singlenotsingle · 09/09/2018 17:25

I seem to remember a very similar thread on here in the last week or two. Stop thinking about it. Put it out of your head and concentrate on your dh otherwise he's going to start feeling second best.

NorthEndGal · 09/09/2018 17:27

You need to ask yourself, why did you want him to have reciprocating feelings?
Especially since you say you certainly didn't want anything to happen?

MaggieAndHopey · 09/09/2018 17:27

If this is for real, I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you sent the message. It sounds like you did want something to happen, otherwise I don't understand what the purpose of it was - I know you said it would be like 'ripping off a plaster' or getting it out of your head, but that doesn't really make sense as a justification. It was more like trying to move things forward - testing the water, seeing what you got back.

Now you're back where you started. This guy has given you nothing to go on, you're still reading loads into these 'gazes'. It sounds likely it's all in your head - or if it isn't, where do you honestly think it can go? You need to find a way to move on from it.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:28

I don't think I need to change my job. I don't work directly with him and if I did ever work with him I feel confident I could get through it.
I still think he felt the same. I really do. I think he respects his wife enough not to reply or admit but I don't think I'm flattering myself when I say I think he feels the same.

For him it was obviously a lot easier to see the crush for what it was. For me my emotions got the better of me.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 09/09/2018 17:30

So what are you wanting from this thread?

Amammi · 09/09/2018 17:32

Just remember this is your workplace. If he was feeling stressed by this attention from you he could possibly complain to HR and now he has your message as tangible proof. Have a bit of respect for him if not yourself and leave him alone.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:33

I wasn't trying to move things forward. I shouldn't have sent it. I realise now that no matter what I said in the message, it would read as a come on. I just wanted to hear he felt the same but nothing would happen....then I would have closure. Obviously it didn't work out that way.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 09/09/2018 17:34

Well he didnt want you either otherwise he'd have replied.

NorthEndGal · 09/09/2018 17:36

Yes, but why did you want him to feel the same?

SemperIdem · 09/09/2018 17:36

I can’t get over you telling your husband.

MaggieAndHopey · 09/09/2018 17:37

Married people have crushes. I've been married twenty years and I've had tons of them. I've never once felt the need to message someone even if I felt there was some mutual spark, which sometimes I have. Messaging someone, it seems to me, achieves the opposite of getting them out of your head.

FuckingHateRain · 09/09/2018 17:38

It happens, don't feel bad. He's really dodgy feels like he is trying to invoke this response from you
Just stay away x

sonjadog · 09/09/2018 17:38

I remember you posting about this a few weeks back. We did tell you at the time that you would end up regretting it. But done is done and now you just go on with your life. Ignore him.

Neves7 · 09/09/2018 17:39

It’s normal even if you are happily married to get the occasional crush. Happens with most people I think. Nothing to feel guilty about unless you act on it or let it affect your relationship with your DP.

However unless you want to break up your current relationship - don’t mention it to anyone particularly not your DH and crushee! Just enjoy the idea in your head and it will run it’s course.

It’s one of those things no one warns you about before you get married or into a long term relationship but probably should.

gamerwidow · 09/09/2018 17:39

I still think he felt the same
He didn't and you've been very stupid to embarrass him and yourself in this way. Grow up, you're not at school and you shouldn't be putting your co-workers in these awkward positions. All you can do now is put some distance between you and this man and wait for it all to blow over.
Sorry if my post seems harsh but you've had a really lucky escape not to end up in HR and for your own sake you need to understand that you must not do something like this again.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:40

I wouldn't have sent it if I wasn't sure he felt the same.
The gazing
Awkward and nervous around me
Made excuses to be near me when he didn't need to be
I could tell by the way he looked at me. There was chemistry there.

OP posts: