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Original poster

I made a massive mistake

242 replies

Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:14

I'm married. I got a crush on a man at work. I'm 99% the feeling was mutual. We used to stare at each other, catch each others eyes. We were very awkward and nervous around each other. It got to the point my heart was pounding when I saw him and rather than being a lovely fantasy in my head it became upsetting and hard to deal with.
I was very upset one day and I stupidly, very stupidly sent him a message telling him about the crush and I said I would never act on it and I respect both our marriages and families. I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest.
I felt like sending the message would be like ripping off a plaster. I could then deal with it and move on.
He didn't reply and I felt mortified. I then apologised face to face. I think he may think I was trying to start something up but I really wasn't. I wanted it out of my head.

I told dh about it all and the message. He trusts me and although he was hurt that my eyes had wandered he appreciated my honesty. We have been fine since.
At work however, the man is still gazing at me. I do avoid him and we don't speak but I can still see him gazing. He's a nice person and not the sort to go blabbing and he's not sleazy with it.
I guess what I wanted him to say was that he feels the same but he loves his wife and then agree to avoid each other...but he said nothing.
It was a pathetic, stupid thing to do and I didn't want to act on it but I just wanted closure.
I know I've made a tit of myself, i just feel upset at myself for doing something do stupid.
I feel like if I didn't admit to him then the crush would go on and on and on and I would be looking out for him at work....now I just get on with things and avoid him.

OP posts:
Lyinglow50 · 09/09/2018 18:06

LOL it linked automatically.

CherryCherryCherry · 09/09/2018 18:06

Oh dear OP. We all do things we wish we hadn't at times. You'll just have to accept that and smile politely ( but not wistfully.....! ) Your dh must be lovely if you trusted him enough to tell him. Lucky you. Mine prob wouldn't let it rest!

Oddcat · 09/09/2018 18:09

If you still feel so strongly , I really think that you hoped something would have come of it , otherwise , what's the point of sending him a message ? Your lucky your husband is so understanding.

Also, a chap I met recently sent me a message saying he 'knows' that there was chemistry between us- there absolutely wasn't , which is why I'm not replying to any of his messages.

MaggiePhilbinsSwapShop · 09/09/2018 18:09

I remember you posting this ages ago. Word for word. Down to telling your husband afterwards 🙄

So I will say it again. Stop it, get him out of your mind and move on.

CherryCherryCherry · 09/09/2018 18:11

It was just a bit of flirting and you've read too much into it. Maybe you needed an ego boost. Move on.

starbrightlight · 09/09/2018 18:12

I can't help wondering what you'd have done if he had declared he felt the same. I think if that had been the response it would have escalated into an affair.

I think you had a lucky escape. Thank the Gods that he didn't respond and all you have to deal with is the humiliation and embarrassment.

Any other outcome could well have ruined lives.

Needahairbrush · 09/09/2018 18:13

Stop thinking about this man, nothing is happening and you are lucky your husband hasn’t acted upon you spilling your guts about it. Time to move on.

ashtrayheart · 09/09/2018 18:14

Google limerence, an obsession with reciprocation is one of the features.

I've had this a couple of times in my life, it's more than a crush, it's obsession!

But realising that it's not 'real' is a key to moving on.

Hayles88 · 09/09/2018 18:15

I better stop gazing around the office, deep in thought, incase people weirdly think I have a crush on them.

Rudgie47 · 09/09/2018 18:18

I think you might benefit for counselling OP because you seem to be struggling with this. I know you posted this before a few months ago.
In the grand scheme of things its not really bad but something is stopping you from moving on/ getting over it.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 18:20

I think it would be more selfish not to have told dh. It would have been easier for me to hide it from him. I crossed a line, I sent the message. Sure I wanted to feel less guilty about it but I don't see why that's selfish. Hiding things from him would surely be more selfish. He trusts me because he knows this is out of character. He knows I was honest. I told him I wish I hadn't told him because I didn't want to hurt him...but he said he would much rather know.

When I apologised to the guy at work he put his hand on my shoulder and said I've not to feel embarrassed but he is married. He was clearly very embarrassed. I told him I was very embarrassed and shouldn't have sent it. That was it. It's done.
He still smiles when he walks past, I try not to look at him but his eyes are always on me. I try and look down now.
I didn't start the staring when it happened. I didn't sexually harass anybody. I didn't flirt. I tried to hide it but my emotions got the better of me.

OP posts:
Secretsquirrel101 · 09/09/2018 18:20

How many more times are you likely to post about this op? People will start to think you’re just desperate for an excuse to talk about your definitely-innocent, absolutely-reciprocated crush... Hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/09/2018 18:21

I understand you, Florence you wanted him to reciprocate for closure as this crush would have been 'in balance', ie. he felt for you what you felt for him but neither of you wanted to take it further...

Instead you have this messy resolution where you've put yourself out there based on mutual gazing - and he's left you hanging a bit.

Take control now and just be civil and polite, no longer friendly, just civil, polite and ultra-professional. If he's still gazing then perhaps he's waiting for a reaction to boost his ego again. Don't give that to him.

Many of us have done crazy things, you made a mistake, you've been honest and corrected it - accept the awkwardness as the price you paid for 'chancing your arm' for a mutual Romeo and Juliet crush where-nobody-would-go-there - and it will pass.

I think some posters don't remember how intense crushes can be and how bereft you can feel when the end isn't as you'd hoped.

But it will pass, it really will. Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/09/2018 18:23

OP you're not the same one as last week are you? Wanting to know how married man felt about you?

If so, disregard my post please because it really doesn't apply to you.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2018 18:26

he lurrrves you, he's crazy about you, he can't take his eyes off you

There you go. Can you stop posting this shit now ?

RibbonAurora · 09/09/2018 18:27

No, you took the emotional burden of punishing yourself for your guilt off yourself and put it on your husband. You walk around feeling a bit better about yourself for your 'honesty' and he's now walking around feeling a bit shit about himself and questioning your relationship. That's selfish not honest. You're doing the same thing to this guy at work - to make yourself feel better about your obsession, you're imposing it on him forcing him to participate in it. People like you make me sick.

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/09/2018 18:28

You need to be honest about the state of your own marriage and relationship with your husband.
You're obviously not truly happy, in love or feeling fulfilled which is why you actively tried to start something with someone else.

I just wanted to hear he felt the same but nothing would happen....then I would have closure.
So you wanted him to take responsibility for your feelings and actions? Hmm

I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest
This was just your ego trying to save face in case you got rejected.....you would have been singing a different tune if he had responded or admitted having feelings for you.

I could tell by the way he looked at me. There was chemistry there
Maybe that's true....maybe not.
Either way you don't know for sure exactly what was/is going on in his head unless he tells you - and he isn't going there.
You should be mature enough to understand boundaries and have self control.... i used to fancy a teacher at high school and we had that chemistry - neither of us crossed that boundary though.
Sometimes, it's ok to just enjoy fancying each other but not bring it into 'real life'.

BeautifulPossibilities · 09/09/2018 18:29

If this was a man doing this you would have been shot down as harassing someone and told to report them.

Think I'd be looking for a new job.

babysharksmummy · 09/09/2018 18:30

OP, I think people are being unnecessarily cruel. Who cares if you posted last week? You wanted to let him know how you felt. He's done the right thing by staying loyal to his wife but I really don't think he is laughing at you as a PP said Hmm
Hopefully you can both move past this and continue a friendly working relationship.
Also your DH sounds very understanding!

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/09/2018 18:31

Both your declaration to him and Your posting on here with no apparent purpose point to a huge need for validation from other people that isn’t really healthy.

You excuse for telling him (“my emotions got the better of me”) is quite immature. If you’re 18 or something, this is understandable, if not great and all you need is a bit of time and effort purposefully trying to shore up your sense of self worth. But if you’re approaching your 30s you could probably use some counselling.

OftenHangry · 09/09/2018 18:33

In the nicest way possible....

I can't imagine how your DH feels. He must be heartbroken. Yes, we all have mini crashes, but the fact you sent the message moves it into bit of a different ballpark tbh.

You obviously hoped he will say "Oh, dearest Florenceblondie. Of course I love you too.". Otherwise why send it....

As soon as I read your first OP my thought was that he isn't staring due to lust, but because you keep staring. He is awkward because you are awkward. Mirrored behavior.

What he said after that message sounds like someone told him "She might be crazy, just be calm and nice so you don't provoke her to do something."... That's what I would advise my friend if he were in situation like this.

You really might want to speak to a professional, before this gets out of hand. Most stalkers think they are not doing anything bad...

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 18:33

Op, why do you keep posting this exact story?

Was the last thread not enough. You said you were going to focus on your marriage,

Yet here you are again. Weeks later.

It's obsessional and odd.

Hopoindown31 · 09/09/2018 18:35

Are things really sorted with your dh? I think you need to get you head off this silly crush and back on to working on your marriage as you have dealt it a huge blow, even if your dh is trying to be understanding about it.

Hopefully you can use this as a catalyst to improve your marriage.

Sparklesocks · 09/09/2018 18:35

Tbh a lot of people flirt and work, it passes the time and it’s fun and easy and doesn’t mean anything. A little office crush is harmless and doesn’t necessarily mean you act on it.

He may have felt that way about you but then you revealing your true feelings panicked him and he didn’t know how to react.

But the fact is, he knows how you feel. If he wanted you too he would’ve made a move. Eyes across the office mean nothing.

And it doesn’t matter who felt what. And even if he confessed he felt the same, how is that closure if you’re not going to act on it? If anything him not responding is closure. Because there’s nowhere to go from there.

If you love your husband and have any respect for your marriage (and this other man’s) you will leave this alone now.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/09/2018 18:35

Honestly, the nerve of you informing him that you “weren’t going to act on it” for the sake of his family Confused
And then being horrified when he quite rightly ignored you.
The only conceivable reason for sending that message was the hope that he would insist that your love knew no barriers and of course you could be together...