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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made a massive mistake

242 replies

Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:14

I'm married. I got a crush on a man at work. I'm 99% the feeling was mutual. We used to stare at each other, catch each others eyes. We were very awkward and nervous around each other. It got to the point my heart was pounding when I saw him and rather than being a lovely fantasy in my head it became upsetting and hard to deal with.
I was very upset one day and I stupidly, very stupidly sent him a message telling him about the crush and I said I would never act on it and I respect both our marriages and families. I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest.
I felt like sending the message would be like ripping off a plaster. I could then deal with it and move on.
He didn't reply and I felt mortified. I then apologised face to face. I think he may think I was trying to start something up but I really wasn't. I wanted it out of my head.

I told dh about it all and the message. He trusts me and although he was hurt that my eyes had wandered he appreciated my honesty. We have been fine since.
At work however, the man is still gazing at me. I do avoid him and we don't speak but I can still see him gazing. He's a nice person and not the sort to go blabbing and he's not sleazy with it.
I guess what I wanted him to say was that he feels the same but he loves his wife and then agree to avoid each other...but he said nothing.
It was a pathetic, stupid thing to do and I didn't want to act on it but I just wanted closure.
I know I've made a tit of myself, i just feel upset at myself for doing something do stupid.
I feel like if I didn't admit to him then the crush would go on and on and on and I would be looking out for him at work....now I just get on with things and avoid him.

OP posts:
Unsure123123 · 09/09/2018 18:36

Just leave it now! You've done it, you can't undo it. You know next time it's not a good idea.

What exactly did you expect him to say to you? Leave it and move on. Time wl take the edge off.

sobloodyitchy · 09/09/2018 18:36

You sound really entitled. If this was a man saying he was 'sure' a woman felt the same way because of these perceived signs, it would sound a lot more sinister.

You've made a coworker very uncomfortable. They may well have spoken to others in the business about it and you could have a HR situation on your hands if you continue.

Leave them alone and move on.

Bombardier25966 · 09/09/2018 18:37

It's obsessional and odd.

Which sums up what this chap is thinking when he sees the OP Wink

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 18:38

Op, did you name change so you could post it again?

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 18:41

And what do you mean you can see himself gazing. On the last thread you didn't even work in the same building.

Something not right here. If this is real your irrationally obsessed with this poor man who has made it clear he's not interested.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 18:42

I'm hardly a stalker. I don't go following him around or looking him up. It was a crush that got out of hand.
I didn't post last week. That wasn't me.

Dh is very understanding. He knows me and he knows I love him. He knows this is a one off and he knows I wouldn't have acted on it. It the guy did reply wanting start something, I know I would have said no.

I didn't want this to continue any longer.

OP posts:
butterflysugarbaby · 09/09/2018 18:43

I thought the schools had gone back.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 18:43

Because it wasn't me!! As I have said.

OP posts:
Oddcat · 09/09/2018 18:44

but his eyes are always on me

Are you sure he hasn't got a squint and is actually looking elsewhere ? Grin

Sparklesocks · 09/09/2018 18:44

If you don’t want this continue why post? What is your aibu? What are you wanting from posters?

bridgetreilly · 09/09/2018 18:46

OP, are you 13?

Because if not, you need to stop thinking about this now. It's irrelevant what he thinks or not. Your crush is nothing. You're married. Focus on your DH and get off this thread now.

babysharksmummy · 09/09/2018 18:47

Were the previous threads by someone called skylantern?
I understand what people are saying a bit more if so as it seems obsessional, however I do feel for the OP - you've got it bad but your husband doesn't deserve any of this. Or his wife. Or him, if he's not interested.
I've had a similar situation at work (back in the day, before I was with DH) and the fantasy of him became an obsession.
The reality of him was nothing like the fantasy. It got very messy (in my situation the feelings were reciprocated but he also had an ideal of me that I couldn't live up to. I didn't know who I was by the end of it. Ended up leaving my job and pissing off round the world for a year to mend my broken heart...)
Would never recommend getting involved like that to anyone. Doubly so if you're both married.
Please focus on your DH and transfer some of your obsession towards your colleague onto reigniting healthy feelings in your marriage.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 18:47

No it wasn't last week it was several weeks ago. The exact same story.

Why are you posting it again? The writing style, the story, the whole he loves me really. It's all the same. You have posted this before.

OftenHangry · 09/09/2018 18:49

@Florenceblondie he cqn look understanding but in all honesty, how would you feel? Bit heartbroken? Selfesteem kicked a bit? Worried somewhere in a back of your head? That's how I would feel and I am quite sure most people would.

The fact that you still keep going on about it, hopefully just here not to anyone, especially DH, IRL says you do have an issue. Go and speak to someone who can help before it gets out of the hand. Do it for your DH if not for yourself.

lunar1 · 09/09/2018 18:49

This exact story was posted months ago!

There are many reasons why someone's body language may not mean what you think it does.

Badtasteflump · 09/09/2018 18:51

OP are you listening to anybody's advice on here - and on the other threads?

A crush when you're married is normal but that's not what this is. You hugely crossed the line by telling this man and I don't buy for a second that you wanted that to put a stop to it. If you had to, you could have told your DH about your 'crush' - maybe that would have helped burst your bubble, but letting somebody else know you have feelings for them when you're married is a huge betrayal.

To be honest, I think you sound immature and that for some reason you feel the need to attract drama and attention - so my advice is to try and work out why that is. Do you love your husband? Are you attracted to him? Because whether you 'meant' to or not, you have treated him horribly and still are, with all the continuing angst of 'the chemistry' etc.

Do you have DC? If so, try to sort yourself out for their sakes if you can't prioritise your DH's feelings enough to do it for him Sad

BabySharkDoododoo · 09/09/2018 18:52

Sure you didn’t want anything to happen? Sounds like you did.

Definitely agree with this. There would be no point in sending the message otherwise. It seems to have gone wrong, unlucky.

Oddcat · 09/09/2018 18:53

Whilst you feel telling your husband was the honourable thing to do , you need to be aware that this will now always be a niggle in the back of his head.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 18:53

Exactly lunar. It was a huge thread with her waiting for him to respond then going to his office to apologise. Her telling her husband and how she recognised something was missing in her marriage.

Badtasteflump · 09/09/2018 18:53

his eyes are always on me

You would only know that if your eyes were always on him!

Maybe your constant staring is freaking him out. But whatever, just stop it and grow up a bit. Turn your chair to face away from him or something, or put a big pot plant on your desk to block the view.

Taylor22 · 09/09/2018 18:55

You've made a hell of a lot of assumptions here.

He most probably is just a friendly guy who now thinks you're bat shit crazy and he needs to keep one eye on you while also avoiding you like the plague.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 18:56

God sake I haven't posted this before. I have never even told anyone this stuff apart from the guy at work and dh. Confused that wasn't me

OP posts:
WombOfOnesOwn · 09/09/2018 18:57

This all seems very narcissistic, like you think you're the star of the story so you should have all the star-crossed lover, ships-that-pass-in-the-night stuff happen, while everyone else deals with the tumult because you're the protagonist.

My mother had very much this sort of character and threw our family's life into upheaval repeatedly (to the chagrin of my father, who remains eternally in love with her for reasons I can't begin to imagine after the betrayals and evidence that she does not put him first).

I've had crushes on co-workers before, and yes, they can be a fun way to divert the time when you are daydreaming, but that is all! Construct a boundary and stick to it, full stop. My husband befriended my workplace crush, in the end we went to his house and met his roommates a few times. After seeing how he lived, the crush faded pretty quickly.

If this man doesn't want to live the kind of big sweeping drama you're preparing yourself for, perhaps he's just not meant for you? Maybe there's some other equally dramatic narcissist just waiting in the wings for you to get over this crush so you can destroy your marriage over him instead. Someone who'll make huge dramatic gestures, meet for hidden assignations, threaten you with blackmail if you leave, tell you he can't live without you and plans to end his life if you won't see him.

Ah, yes. True love. It doesn't get better than that.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 19:04

Well then op, it's identical in every detail to a previous thread. Every detail.

You know mumsnet can tell, from the isp address ddont you?

Bottom line is stop obsessing over this man. He's told you he's not interested.

Weeks ago.

Whisky2014 · 09/09/2018 19:05

What is your purpose for posting this thread OP?