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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I made a massive mistake

242 replies

Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:14

I'm married. I got a crush on a man at work. I'm 99% the feeling was mutual. We used to stare at each other, catch each others eyes. We were very awkward and nervous around each other. It got to the point my heart was pounding when I saw him and rather than being a lovely fantasy in my head it became upsetting and hard to deal with.
I was very upset one day and I stupidly, very stupidly sent him a message telling him about the crush and I said I would never act on it and I respect both our marriages and families. I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest.
I felt like sending the message would be like ripping off a plaster. I could then deal with it and move on.
He didn't reply and I felt mortified. I then apologised face to face. I think he may think I was trying to start something up but I really wasn't. I wanted it out of my head.

I told dh about it all and the message. He trusts me and although he was hurt that my eyes had wandered he appreciated my honesty. We have been fine since.
At work however, the man is still gazing at me. I do avoid him and we don't speak but I can still see him gazing. He's a nice person and not the sort to go blabbing and he's not sleazy with it.
I guess what I wanted him to say was that he feels the same but he loves his wife and then agree to avoid each other...but he said nothing.
It was a pathetic, stupid thing to do and I didn't want to act on it but I just wanted closure.
I know I've made a tit of myself, i just feel upset at myself for doing something do stupid.
I feel like if I didn't admit to him then the crush would go on and on and on and I would be looking out for him at work....now I just get on with things and avoid him.

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 09/09/2018 17:40

OP you have deal with this very honestly and honourably please don't feel bad and cringeworthy . You are being so hard on yourself

Mishappening · 09/09/2018 17:42

It is clear that you wanted him to reciprocate the sentiments, and it is now very embarrassing for both of you.

All can say is that this too will pass. When you are in your dotage, you will look back on this with a wry smile.

gamerwidow · 09/09/2018 17:42

What's honourable about coming on to another man's wife especially when you're married yourself.

Lyinglow50 · 09/09/2018 17:46

You have posted about this several times under different names. You deny that you do this but you do. Stop this behaviour. You are fixated on him. Let it go for the sake of your own marriage.

You have got closure. He didn't reply to your email. You didn't accept that he blatantly ignored your email and you then approached him.

Stop staring at him. You could lose your job. You are behaving like a stalker and your colleague may feel threatened by you.

I mean this kindly but I really think you need to seek professional help. Please look after yourself.

RibbonAurora · 09/09/2018 17:46

Yeah you wanted closure, you wanted it out in the open, you wanted to move on, you you you. You even hurt your husband to make yourself feel better. Totally self-absorbed. Absolutely agree with gamerwidow, you have no idea if he reciprocated your feelings, all just massive projection on your part and yes, very lucky this poor guy didn't report you to HR.

NataliaOsipova · 09/09/2018 17:47

I still think he felt the same

In the nicest possible way, I agree with a pp who said he probably didn't. I have a friend who has form for this sort of thing; she becomes obsessed with someone, "knows" they feel the same way (even when it's someone she doesn't know that well) and then, when she's rejected or they ignore/act embarrassed around her, tries to come up with reasons for "why he couldn't act on his feelings". It's a disaster scenario. Try to forget it and move on.

Rebecca36 · 09/09/2018 17:47

I feel so sorry for you. I did something similar many, many years ago - not with anyone at work. Afterwards I was mortified, I thought I would die of shame. However I managed to extricate myself - thank goodness.

More difficult with a colleague, I really hope the guy is sensitive enough to see it for what it is and put it behind him.

You take care x.

RedDogsBeg · 09/09/2018 17:48

You wanted him to respond in kind so you could feel like you were two star-crossed lovers who would be together if it weren't for cruel fate - seriously, OP, grow up this is real life not the plot of some cheap chick-lit novel.

JungWan · 09/09/2018 17:48

Yikes, the shame will fade eventually if you have to meet him every day.

Shesupanddown · 09/09/2018 17:51

Are you sure he isn’t just staring out of the window just passed your head?

RibbonAurora · 09/09/2018 17:52

Btw Id be awkward and nervous around someone who kept sexually harassing me at work. I'd probably report them though whereas men often have a harder time reporting this kind of thing.

gamerchick · 09/09/2018 17:53

You do know he's probably showed his wife your message and they've had a good laugh about it dont you or they're talking about plans to have you reined in at work dont you OP. I know my husband would and visa versa.

You need to get a hold of yourself and work out what's missing from your marriage if this obsession has reached epic levels.

Find another way to get those feels with your own husband.

Confusedbeetle · 09/09/2018 17:54

Draw a line and get over it before it becomes a problem

IAmASunFlower · 09/09/2018 17:55

I don’t understand the mentioning his wife and family in the email ... that’s basically saying he’d put you before them when at the most he has a crush on you that he never acted upon.

That’s quite scary behaviour coupled with you posting about it ... and apparently posting about it multiple times.

HPFA · 09/09/2018 17:55

I think you need to be honest with yourself here - if you'd wanted to "get it out of your head" you could have written it down and not sent it couldn't you?

I think it's obvious that in the course of your life you're going to meet people who IF you hadn't met your partner you might have had a relationship with. Maybe if you'd both been single this guy would have been interested in you, who knows? That doesn't mean he's willing to risk his relationship with his wife.

WeWantJustice · 09/09/2018 17:58

I'm slightly incredulous reading this. How old are you?

Please get some help, this is not normal behaviour. Go to counselling and try and get to the bottom of why you think you had the right to harass this poor bloke with your declaration of feelings for him.

Your feelings are your responsibility, not his. You had no right to offload them on to him, in what world do you think that's acceptable? Getting them out of your head by loading them onto him? Really?

I have no idea what solution there is to the situation you've put yourself in now. But for the future, please don't ever think again, that you have the right to dump your feelings on to someone else because you're not capable of owning and managing them yourself. That is not adult behaviour. Sorry to sound harsh, but you really need to know this.

MatildaTheCat · 09/09/2018 17:59

Why are you so certain he feels the same and still clinging onto that belief? It sounds as if you are very far from over this obsession and need to address this urgently with professional help before you get reported to hr.

Honestly this isn’t normal behaviour. You must know that. Have you ever become fixated on an idea before and unable to control your actions? It will at some point become very problematic indeed unless you learn to understand yourself and this need to be admired by a person who is probably actually very nervous of your intense behaviour.

Babyroobs · 09/09/2018 18:00

It's odd that you felt the way to deal with it was to message him. As others have said most people have crushes but just keep quiet about it and keep it to themselves. If nothing happened I'm not sure why you needed to tell this man or your husband.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/09/2018 18:02

For fuck's sake. That's the sort of message that you write in a letter, and then burn instead of sending. Not the sort you actually send.

AfterSchoolWorry · 09/09/2018 18:02

This was posted before and you were tools not to send that message. So, what do you want people to say?

You sound obsessed.

LagunaBubbles · 09/09/2018 18:02

It was selfish telling your poor husband just so you can feel less guilty.

AfterSchoolWorry · 09/09/2018 18:03

You were *told not to send that message.

Viviennemary · 09/09/2018 18:04

If you didn't want anything to happen why on earth did you send him an e-mail. Now he will be thinking he's in with a chance. Or he might even feel threatened by this as it could be seen as harassment. It was especially foolish to put it in an e-mail. You need to start evaluating your present relationship. That's what needs attention and not this random work person.

Lyinglow50 · 09/09/2018 18:04

OP read this article, hopefully it will help you. I'm sorry I don't know how to.link to urls.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201610/why-we-obsess-over-people-who-dont-want-us%3famp

Perfect11 · 09/09/2018 18:05

What did he say when you apologised about the message?

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