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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I made a massive mistake

242 replies

Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:14

I'm married. I got a crush on a man at work. I'm 99% the feeling was mutual. We used to stare at each other, catch each others eyes. We were very awkward and nervous around each other. It got to the point my heart was pounding when I saw him and rather than being a lovely fantasy in my head it became upsetting and hard to deal with.
I was very upset one day and I stupidly, very stupidly sent him a message telling him about the crush and I said I would never act on it and I respect both our marriages and families. I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest.
I felt like sending the message would be like ripping off a plaster. I could then deal with it and move on.
He didn't reply and I felt mortified. I then apologised face to face. I think he may think I was trying to start something up but I really wasn't. I wanted it out of my head.

I told dh about it all and the message. He trusts me and although he was hurt that my eyes had wandered he appreciated my honesty. We have been fine since.
At work however, the man is still gazing at me. I do avoid him and we don't speak but I can still see him gazing. He's a nice person and not the sort to go blabbing and he's not sleazy with it.
I guess what I wanted him to say was that he feels the same but he loves his wife and then agree to avoid each other...but he said nothing.
It was a pathetic, stupid thing to do and I didn't want to act on it but I just wanted closure.
I know I've made a tit of myself, i just feel upset at myself for doing something do stupid.
I feel like if I didn't admit to him then the crush would go on and on and on and I would be looking out for him at work....now I just get on with things and avoid him.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 10/09/2018 07:57

Yes, I agree Bluntness. This level of analyzing and reading things into someone else's behaviour is not normal. My friends and I used to do this as teens. But reading things into men´s glazes, their touch of your arm etc. is something that people grow out of as they grow up and realize that these things are signs of precisely nothing. The OP´s obsession with this is beyond a crush.

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2018 08:03

'Well it depends. If I were the guy's wife, then it will warrant this amount of anger.' That's a moral question. Not one for HR.

Thatsfuckingshit · 10/09/2018 08:11

I also agree. There are either a lot of women out there completely convinced their colleagues are in love with them. Or this is at obsession level.

I know there have been loads of posts, from someone who keeps asking what they should do because they are convinced a married colleague is interested in them. That's definitely the same person.

If this op isn't that person or the person who posted an very similar thread, she is still veering into obsession.

Addicted to the drama of both being married and throwing stolen glances. The drama of sending the text and awaiting the response. The drama of not hearing anything. The drama of then dealing with it in person. The drama of him rejecting her still not admitting it. The drama of telling her husband. Now that's all died down, she is trying to relive it here.

It's not ok. And If I was him, after the text then the in person conversation, and I heard anything from her regarding this again I would go to HR. Especially if it was that I was looking at her and acting as though I was interested.

Chances are that he told his wife in a kind of 'wtf? This colleague has texted me this. What should I do?' Way.

If a woman posted here that her husband had, had a trauma and then started doing what the OP is doing, no one would have sympathy. And If it was a woman in the colleague position saying that a man had text her that he had feelings, so she ignored it, then he spoke to her person and she let him down and the bloke was still staring at her, mners would be recommending HR.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 08:11

Italian grey hound, i can only assume you have never worked in a professional environment, or are of an age where this used to be acceptable and you think erroneously it still is.

I can categorically assure you that if you make personal comments to a colleague of this nature then they have every right to complain to hr and have you told to back off. If the behaviour continues it can lead to disciplinary or termination.

This is 2018 and both genders have the right to work without being sexually harassed by their colleagues.

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2018 08:11

RibbonAurora one message, yrs I would. I'd think him very silly but if it were a one off I'd just think it poor judgment.

"it's attitudes like yours that make it hard for people to be taken seriously when they report harassment at work."

If you are going to assume all personal interaction is Harresnent I hope you don't work in HR.

Please stop being ridiculous. Harresnent is not one message. You do know lots and lots of people date and marry co workers. Are you going to make it illegal? The fact they are married makes a it morally objectionable.

Any one harnessed at work should report it.

But I do not think s single isolated incident is harassment.

"his is how harassment starts -one message, one bit if 'banter', damn right people should report it if it makes them uncomfortable." There is no mention of banter here, quite the opposite.

"There's no place for it in the workplace, get on with your bloody work." There is no place for Harresnent in the work place -agreed.

MenaMecca · 10/09/2018 08:16

@ItalianGreyHound

It was in response to a previous poster. :)

OftenHangry · 10/09/2018 08:17

@Italiangreyhound but it's actually not just one message, is it?
It's posting on public forums, it's staring and hoping he will stare, it's telling her husband. The whole thing is uncomfortable.
One message, could be easily ignored, depending on it's contents. Combination of these other things can't be that easy to ignore. This is exactly how lots of stalkers start. I mean this could be in a textbook....

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 08:22

Italian grey hound you're very wrong here I'm sorry. People havw a right to work without being made to feel uncomfortable or without comments of personal nature. You do not have the right to make passes or tell folks you fancy them. It's not ok.

If the colleague is uncomfortable, then thy have the right to escalate to hr. there is no two ways about it.

Lweji · 10/09/2018 08:23

Your main problem seems to be that he's not disengaging. But it could be that you're giving too much meaning to him looking at you.

Your feelings are the problem. Not his actions.

What are you going to do about it?

Oddcat · 10/09/2018 08:27

I also think that it's messing with this chaps head . Sending a message in the hope that he replies with similar feelings and then rejecting him (putting aside the fact that they're both married) is a head fuck in itself.

Op: I have strong feelings for you

Bloke: I feel the same about you

Op: fuck off

Showpony2 · 10/09/2018 08:29

Honesty can be so over rated!

Sounds like this was a much bigger thing for you than it was for him. You are completely over thinking this. Just ignore him from now on.

straightjeans · 10/09/2018 08:29

There is a reason you wanted him to hear him say he felt the same way you did. In fact you should be relieved that he apparently doesn't feel the same way, but you're upset. Obviously in the back of your head you were hoping for something.

SalemBlackCat · 10/09/2018 08:33

So it turns out he wasn't interested in you after all and didn't return your feelings?

Thatsfuckingshit · 10/09/2018 08:44

It's not one incident. It's 2 that he is aware of. The text then the follow up conversation. That conversation did not need to happen. She didn't get a response so tried in person.

Add on that she is still carrying this drama out in her own life, suggests that she isn't going to let it go.

If he goes to HR with 2 incidents and the fact that she is staring and making him uncomfortable, they will probably have a word. She has to be staring at him to notice he is looking. Personally, I can feel people staring at me, it makes me look up. Which is what is probably happening in this case. Ok looking at him and he looks up.

It's creepy and not ok.

OutPinked · 10/09/2018 08:46

I feel sorry for your husband. I’d be absolutely gutted if my DP told me similar, I would seriously question our relationship tbh. It’s not just a case of having a harmless crush, I think the text escalated that. I don’t blame the colleague for thinking you were attempting to start something, anyone would think the same.

Just carry on avoiding the colleague and forget it happened. Very cringe worthy.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 10/09/2018 08:49

Read this before, this year sometime. Exactly the same thing.

bluebell34567 · 10/09/2018 08:51

i think i understand where you coming from op in the way he stares at you.
at one point you couldnt continue holding it up, its not your fault, its his fault.
in my opinion there are man who continuously stare but do nothing. i dont know why.
op sent the text, he didnt reply but he still stares, he is weird.
op you should ignore such man as another stupid behaviour.

Chiffon · 10/09/2018 09:11

Has anyone a link to the other thread about a similar incident or have I missed it?

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/09/2018 09:19

OP, he is not attracted to you.

You are not "The One", his wife is "The One" for him.

I have drawn a line under this for you. Do not broach the subject with him again. Do not broach it with your DH, you have caused him enough hurt. If your crush is messing with your MH, please seek professional advice.

runsmidgeOMG · 10/09/2018 09:20

OP how would you feel if you and your DH roles were reversed ? If he said he'd emailed someone declaring love? I can tell you he's get a pasting on here. Please don't minimise the impact of your actions and work on your self esteem in other ways.

mumprincess12 · 10/09/2018 09:56

I think your husband is very tolerant - if my dh did this I would go mad! I can't understand why you told him?

beeefcake · 10/09/2018 10:45

OP stop lying. All of these threads have the same writing style and phrases is painstakingly obvious.

Your poor DH must really think a lot of you to put up with this nonsense.

explodingid · 10/09/2018 12:10

*Op: I have strong feelings for you

Bloke: I feel the same about you

Op: fuck off*

@oddcat.

Yes completely bizarre!

explodingid · 10/09/2018 12:10

I would say this screams personality disorder.

passwordfailure · 10/09/2018 12:23

When I was 8 I had a crush on a schoolboy (also 8). I made 2 codebooks out of leftover wallpaper and enlisted a friend to hide in his hedge with me and take notes (in code) on his movements. He sent his much older brother out to chase us away. Do you think I should get in touch and see if he likes me yet?

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