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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made a massive mistake

242 replies

Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:14

I'm married. I got a crush on a man at work. I'm 99% the feeling was mutual. We used to stare at each other, catch each others eyes. We were very awkward and nervous around each other. It got to the point my heart was pounding when I saw him and rather than being a lovely fantasy in my head it became upsetting and hard to deal with.
I was very upset one day and I stupidly, very stupidly sent him a message telling him about the crush and I said I would never act on it and I respect both our marriages and families. I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest.
I felt like sending the message would be like ripping off a plaster. I could then deal with it and move on.
He didn't reply and I felt mortified. I then apologised face to face. I think he may think I was trying to start something up but I really wasn't. I wanted it out of my head.

I told dh about it all and the message. He trusts me and although he was hurt that my eyes had wandered he appreciated my honesty. We have been fine since.
At work however, the man is still gazing at me. I do avoid him and we don't speak but I can still see him gazing. He's a nice person and not the sort to go blabbing and he's not sleazy with it.
I guess what I wanted him to say was that he feels the same but he loves his wife and then agree to avoid each other...but he said nothing.
It was a pathetic, stupid thing to do and I didn't want to act on it but I just wanted closure.
I know I've made a tit of myself, i just feel upset at myself for doing something do stupid.
I feel like if I didn't admit to him then the crush would go on and on and on and I would be looking out for him at work....now I just get on with things and avoid him.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 09/09/2018 19:08

Cringe! We all get crushes from time to time, but you NEVER act on them. Unless you're single of course.

Maybe he's very short sighted?

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 19:12

Hmm well go ahead and look at my isp address then. Any links to this thread?

OP posts:
PorkFlute · 09/09/2018 19:13

I think the honourable thing to do would have been to speak to your husband about your feelings before messaging your crush.
I also think it’s highly unlikely to reciprocate your feelings if he didn’t respond to the message. What e said when you apologised sounds like what someone would say if they weren’t interested but aware they still have to work with you.
Being awkward around someone/staring etc doesn’t necessarily mean someone is attracted to you. They could just be socially awkward.

AnoukSpirit · 09/09/2018 19:14

I just wanted to hear he felt the same but nothing would happen....then I would have closure.

That's not closure. Closure would have been reflecting on the fact he's married, as are you, accepting it was just a crush that wouldn't go anywhere, refocused your attention on the things you do have, and then moving on.

You wanted the buzz of him telling you he liked you too. You wanted the ego boost of feeling desirable. You wanted to feel wanted. You wanted someone to tell you those things.

When you didn't get that you tried to get it from your husbands, and seem to have told your husband for the same reason: you wanted him to fawn over you, declare his love for you, beg you not to stray.

If you had genuinely wanted closure you never would have sent the message, instead you would have redirected your attention and put energy into your marriage, or at the very least some other distraction until it passed.

Sending the message was starting something, not closing it.

Have you never noticed that the rest of us don't go around behaving like this?

Whocansay · 09/09/2018 19:15

I would change jobs, if you can. Get a fresh start and put his behind you.

I think you want something to happen, but don't want to admit it to yourself.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 19:15

I wanted to hear some straight talking opinions. I think some people are a bit ott with their responses.
I don't need counselling. I made a shitty mistake. I don't stalk this man and I'm not staring at him, I'm trying to stay out of his way. I'm trying to move on and I'm focusing my energy on to my dh. I know where I went wrong and I know I shouldn't have done it.
I really don't think counselling is the answer for shitty mistakes. People have full on affairs and don't go for counselling.
This is the first time this has happened. I don't get obsessions for people on a regular basis.

OP posts:
EK36 · 09/09/2018 19:15

We all get crushes sometimes. When we're married, we avoid that person until it passes. Otherwise it's asking for trouble! Years ago, I had a bad crush on a collegue so I ended up leaving that job for another. As my main priority is my husband and children. I would not send any more messages if I were you. If your feelings escalate then change jobs!

butterflysugarbaby · 09/09/2018 19:17

I have to say OP, this does all sound rather like a plot from a shitty chick flick - 'Bridget Jones Fuck Up.'

Badtasteflump · 09/09/2018 19:18

Maybe he's very short sighted

Now that's just mean Grin

This thread is making me think of that inappropriate nurse in the Catherine Tate show....

m.youtube.com/watch?v=pGgOYuGgzOU

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/09/2018 19:20

OP your colleague may fancy you a bit and still find you slightly interesting as a vague ego boost (because you declared your feelings for him so strongly) but it’s obviously nothing more than that for him.

Some guys eye women up. Yes, even the nice ‘shy’ ones. You may not be the only one he rests his eyes on. Perhaps it’s something he does with any reasonably attractive woman.

Just give it time. Let it fade.

BabySharkDoododoo · 09/09/2018 19:20

I just wanted to hear he felt the same but nothing would happen

Haha yeah of course.

You wanted to hear he felt the same, and then you wouldn't have told your husband. You have only told your husband incase it gets back to him that you basically asked another guy out, and he rejected you.

Yes, I have my crystal ball here. However its pretty fucking obvious that you will deny this is the case Grin

EnglishRose13 · 09/09/2018 19:23

Can anyone link to the previous thread, please?

butterflysugarbaby · 09/09/2018 19:23

OMG LOL @badtasteflump

That was SO funny.

Remember when she was pestering George Micheal?! Grin

(GM comes into it at about one and a half minutes in!)

He was amazing wasn't he? Smile

OftenHangry · 09/09/2018 19:23

Bit ott? Woman, you are obsessing, that's why I said you might want to talk to someone.

DaphneFanshaw · 09/09/2018 19:27

How peculiar.

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/09/2018 19:27

Why would you want to hear he felt the same?

An ego boost, that a married man fancies you?

Badtasteflump · 09/09/2018 19:28

Ooh I'd forgotten that one butterfly Grin

But yes he was brilliant Sad

SendintheArdwolves · 09/09/2018 19:32

I wasn't trying to move things forward... I just wanted to hear he felt the same

You keep saying that you "didn't want anything to happen, but you DID - the thing you wanted to happen was to hear that he felt the same.

You claim this would give you closure, but surely you can admit to yourself (if not to us) that this is not closure - it's the opposite! You wanted to hear that there really was an attraction between you and that this wad real and serious and something that you and he would have to discuss and come up with a way to deal with.

Can you see how not-closure that is? That is you and he in a secret, passion charged relationship of mutual lust and longing that required you both to keep your feelings hidden under the guise of "getting over the crush". It's how affairs start and admit to yourself that part of you really wants to take that first step.

Go on Other Woman/Man boards and see how common it is for affair partners to have those sorts of conversations - "Yes, there is a burning attraction between us, but we both agree that we can't possibly act on it, let's just keep meeting up to discuss how best to deal with our feelings so we don't hurt our spouses, etc, etc".

Stop lying to yourself about your motivations. You didn't want this crush to go away. You wanted to move it to the next step.

pixiie · 09/09/2018 19:32

I still think he felt the same. I really do. I think he respects his wife enough not to reply or admit but I don't think I'm flattering myself when I say I think he feels the same.

He doesn't. Men are simple creatures. Believe me he would have replied if he did.

KillSwitch · 09/09/2018 19:42

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3234167-Did-I-do-the-right-thing-to-tell-my-crush-openly

OP, may be worth having a read of this thread, you're not the only one having to deal with something like this...

butterflysugarbaby · 09/09/2018 19:43

@badtasteflump

Grin
Serialweightwatcher · 09/09/2018 19:43

Maybe he does feel the same, but due to your message stating you weren't willing to follow it through, maybe he's biding his time and hopes you change your mind ... it is possible. Anyway, you don't want to do anything about it ever and don't be embarrassed - you did what you thought was right and you're making it up to your husband - forget it and move on and don't drive yourself mad.

MudCity · 09/09/2018 19:44

No he doesn’t feel the same. Even I can tell that from his response (or lack of) to you. This is all in your head.

I used to work with someone like this and it was embarrassing.

Come back to the real world OP for the sake of your husband, your colleagues and yourself.

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/09/2018 19:44

You think he didn't tell you that he feels the same out of respect for his wife.

But you want him to disrespect his wife and admit it? Really?

Togaandsandals · 09/09/2018 19:46

I have read this exact story here on mumsnet just a couple of months back.

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