'concerned friend' is actually an interfering busybody?

[MyCatIsBonkers]

DD and her friend graduated from their 5 year course this summer. They both landed jobs with the same organisation and started at the beginning of August. They are in different departments, with different managers but have the same senior manager.

DD is finding one part of her job quite stressful at the moment because it's completely new to her and wasn't covered as part of her training. She spoken to some of her colleagues who've given her advice and resources to help her get on top it.

DD and her friend were chatting after work on Friday about how they were finding it and DD mentioned the bit that was stressing her.

Unfortunately DD came down with a head cold on Sunday so had to ring in sick on Monday and Tuesday. Her friend tried to ring her several times on Monday but she didn't answer because she just wanted to sleep and knows her friend can be a bit of a dramallama and she didn't have the energy for it.

She's just been told that she's got a meeting this afternoon with her manager and senior manager because her friend was so concerned about her being off and not answering that she's gone to their shared senior manager and told him that she's worried because DD has said she's not coping with the job. And that's not the worst of it. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose.

DD is quite upset by this. I'm livid on her behalf. Her friend wasn't being helpful was she? She was interfering and acting unprofessional? How do you think DD should handle this? I'm not best placed to advise her because although I have the same disability, autism, I completely fail at managing workplace situations end just end up exploding, melting down and then quitting.

I can't advise from a professional point of view, but no, the girl is not a friend. It's difficult if they're working together, but your DD will have to distance herself and absolutely never confide in her again.

I would have thought though, if your DD explains that she was having difficulties and why (lack of training) and the steps she's taken to deal with it (very sensible) and that she was off with a cold (however, was that really necessary to take time off for?) and not stress that should be an end to it.
I would have thought that there was no need to discuss the autism.

Hopefully an expert will be along to advise properly though.

Complete drama llama!!

Tell your daughter the most important thing is to stay calm.

Tell her to say that she had every right to let off some steam to her friend and that this friend has blown everything out of proportion. She should say that she trusts her own judgement about what to bring up with work both in terms of what she is doing and her disability. And that she will no longer confide in this friend.

I think the mist important thing is just to be as unflappable as possible to the point of disdain for the other girl.

Then she should cut this "friend" out - who is clearly trying to sabotage things for your daughter. Twat.

I'm sorry your DD had to deal with such situation. I think she should tell the friend that she overreacted and that wasn't helpful. As to "not coping with the job" and disclosing disability - well, that's grassing to me. I'd distance myself from such a "friend". She sounds like one of those where "you don't need enemies".

Hope your daughter is fine, and good luck to her in the new job.

The friend is a bitch so phase her out.

Regarding the meeting, she needs to go in, head held high, maintain composure. At least you can advise her what to avoid (explosion and melt down). State calmly that she had a cold and was asleep with phone muted and “friend” misinterpreted situation re not answering phone. Don’t start slagging off the drama llama friend as it makes dd look as bad. An objective observer cannot immediately see who is the drama llama.
Can also clearly state that she found x difficult so she asked y how to tackle it.

Wow, that is appalling. Some 'friend'. She has done her best to completely undermine your DD.

Can your DD take someone else with her to the meeting? It might help to have some support.

It sounds as though she is coping pretty well with the job, but would she actually benefit from any adjustments to help her cope? That may be what the managers want to talk about?

I would think that the best way to handle this is to stay calm and professional in the meeting, explain exactly what happened as you have in your post. Demonstrating that she can cope with this awkward situation is a good way of showing that she is capable of doing the job. Was she asked to declare any disabilities when applying for the job?

I did have words over taking time off sick in the first place.

Well if she was ill she was ill and what's done is done. No point pontificating over that now.

If it hadn't have been this, "friend" would have found another way of sticking her beak in, believe me.

Mumsnet always thinks you should drag yourself into work, half dying.

So your daughter wasn't well and had a day in bed. Big fucking deal.

Stick to what is at hand right now - this bloody meeting she could do without.

Sounds like you're all thinking along the same lines as me. I'll let her know.

t. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose

The hardline response to that would be to refuse to discuss rumours if they are raised. The even harder line response would be to insist that the source of these rumours, which your employer is taking seriously, be disclosed. If your employer wishes to have a formal discussion about something they were told by a busybody that is all sorts of wrong.

However, for a young new hire this sort of thing is hard to navigate. But she should get rid of the drama-mongering friend as a matter of urgency.

Yup, I'd be furious with the friend - that's utterly unprofessional and NOT the behaviour of a good friend. However, I also think any decent manager will be very cautious of the opinion of someone who blurts out colleague's personal details when they are off sick for one day, so I suspect the managers will find it easy to see through what's going on here.
I'd get your dd to write down a list of bullet points:

1. yes, she is concerned about xx issue - she hasn't been fully trained and is finding it a challenge, so has taken x, y steps to get up to speed. However, she was planning to raise it formally and ask if there was any other training available.

2.Her day off was just a minor illness - totally unrelated to this. (NB Agree with NannyOgg that a day off for a cold is a bit pants in a new grad, though)

1. She is concerned that colleague y escalated the issue without discussion with her: what would the normal process be here? Calm, collected, slightly bemused.
2. She may want to think how she wants to handle them possibly raising the autism dx. It sounds to me like - for now - the best thing is to say: I made a decision not to declare this, and I'd like that respected. If at any point I feel that it becomes an issue or I need further support, what is the best route for me to manage this (eg HR/direct manager)

Take friend out for coffee/beer and ask her what she's bloody playing at - she was totally unprofessional to go 'telling tales', and if I was your dd I would be telling her so, and telling her never to pass on any details without your dd's EXPRESS permission.

Why did you have words about taking time off sick? Is she unwell?

I would email both managers in advance saying that there had been a misunderstanding and briefly explaining the situation then saying very happy to meet up to explain it further

That way if your daughter thinks she may find it difficult to explain things at the meeting they have the facts in advance.

If your DD had rung in sick as per the procedures on Monday, then she shouldn't need to worry about the meeting.

She should go in and expect it to be a "return to work after illness" type meeting.

She should say up front that she apologises for her DF's interference, but that while she is finding one thing hard, she has asked for help and is working to improve that.

She should also make it clear that she was off, ill, and not because she was finding the work hard.

IF they raise her disability, she could say that she didn't inform them of it as it should not impact on her ability to do her job. And that her DF did NOT have her permission to inform work of it. However, now that they DO know, is there anything that they have which may help her further? But she is not expecting to have any special treatment as it was not something she had disclosed to them nor sought any concession for.

And yes, she could say that she is upset with her DF, who was interfering without being asked and unnecessarily. But reiterate that she was only off due to genuine illness, and that she was taking steps to improve the one area where she was finding it difficult - and that she would have come to manager if, following those steps, she was still having difficulties. That she is not someone who puts her head in the sand, but deals with what life throws at her as proactively as possible.

Hopefully that helps, and it does sound like the "D"F is less than helpful in this situation. Hopefully, the managers will see that, especially if your DD can show that she was working on that area herself. Being calm, and measured, would be most important. And showing that she is not trying to bury anything but dealing with things head on.

Sorry, I typed all that while others were already responding so its repeating a lot of good advice already given.

Yes, don't wind DD up about the DF, try to be calm and objective about it instead, and focus on the meeting and keeping on doing a good job (as it sounds like she is doing).

Yes, I'd advise writing down all the points your DD wants to cover in the meeting, so even if she gets flustered she can still get her points across.

Some friend.

Why did you have words about taking time off sick? Is she unwell?

Because I'm her mum and haven't quite adjusted yet to her being an adult who doesn't need her mum to tell her to stop swinging the lead and to get up and out before she misses the bus to school.

Ridiculous behaviour on the part of the friend.

Your DD should go to the meeting and say something along the lines of ‘thank you for your concern but I really was just ill. My friend got the wrong end of the stick, I expect based on a conversation in which she told me how stressful work was and I sympathetically agreed. I assure you that if I had any trouble I would tell you as everyone here has been so helpful. Thanks again for your concern.’

I think your DD needs to distance herself from the friend, who isn't being much of a friend here.

DD needs to avoid disclosing anything to this friend, it really does sound like an attempt at sabotaging DD.

Did your DD ring in sick with the head cold to her direct manager?
TBH...if she's done that it should be end of discussion. She should not be ringing her at home.
The friend is no friend and the firm should discipline her for over stepping the mark and gossiping about another employee. The friend needs telling by DD that this is the big world now, not uni. She needs to wind her neck in. Your DD should now end contact with her friend.

It should be a simple return to work interview taking a few minutes as is standard.

Her "friend" is another matter. Disclosing someone else's medical details is a breech of confidentiality and is the most serious thing here. The rest of it is hearsay and unsubstantiated without evidence. your DD just needs to keep calm and express surprise if she is asked about "suffering from stress" etc. Yes, she was finding the work demanding to start with, but has done/put X/Y in place to help her performance. She is fine (health-wise) in herself, just had a severe cold with flu-like symptoms and went to bed for the day turning her phone off so she could rest. She must ask where they are getting all their information from if anything else is raised and why anyone is saying such things of her.

her friend will come out of this worse than your DD as she is creating gossip. your DD should delete her from her contacts and find someone else to go to lunch with etc.

The friend was completely wrong

I'd say one of the following

At best she has no self awareness and is so self involved she needed to make DD being off about her and her one attention

At worst she found a way to make your dd seem a liability to gain professional advantage

Or somewhere in the middle she's one of these ridiculous people who takes faux concern to appear as if she is compassionate and tramples over any boundary set in the name if "helping"

I'd tell dd to go to the meeting be calm and professional but make it crystal clear this girl in no way speaks for her and has overstepped....be clear that she has actively sought support to help her with parts of the role she is learning and taken the initiative

I'd be inclined to be clear and calm with the friend and text her or email so your dd has it in writing (your dd to do this not you obviously ) that she overstepped and was inappropriate and that dd is taken some time away from the friendship

She's just messaged me. She's spoken to her manager and he seems to have got the measure of the friend already. He thinks the meeting this afternoon is more out of concern and wanting to be a good employer. So he's told her not to worry about it.

I like fanomoninon's idea about taking in a concise list of points she wishes to cover in the meeting. It's all too easy to get flustered and sidetracked in a meeting and fail to mention something important. She could even write down a few specific phrases she plans to use, to help ensure she comes across as she intends.

Disclosing the disability is quite serious as that is special category data ( used to be known as sensitive personal data) as it relates to her health.
Your DD could drop the friend in it from a great height for disclosing that sort of data without her consent. After all who would want to employ someone who can't be relied on to keep confidential sensitive information secret.

She can tell the company that they have obtained that information without her consent so should not act on it.

I'd have what she wants to say written out and possibly e-mailed as well.

I'd also suggest she only mentioned having issues in sympathy with friend and to explain how she was dealing with it - ie talking to experienced colleagues.

I don't think the friend has behaved well at all - and would suggest to DD that friend isn't someone to confide going forward- but it depends on the managers and work place it could be an opportunity to get more help/training and support.

I do get why she hasn't said anything about her disability - when I started out university careers service and disability service said I had to inform employers about my very recent dyslexia diagnosis- I’ve never made that mistake again.