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AIBU?

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Original poster

'concerned friend' is actually an interfering busybody?

197 replies

MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 11:12

DD and her friend graduated from their 5 year course this summer. They both landed jobs with the same organisation and started at the beginning of August. They are in different departments, with different managers but have the same senior manager.

DD is finding one part of her job quite stressful at the moment because it's completely new to her and wasn't covered as part of her training. She spoken to some of her colleagues who've given her advice and resources to help her get on top it.

DD and her friend were chatting after work on Friday about how they were finding it and DD mentioned the bit that was stressing her.

Unfortunately DD came down with a head cold on Sunday so had to ring in sick on Monday and Tuesday. Her friend tried to ring her several times on Monday but she didn't answer because she just wanted to sleep and knows her friend can be a bit of a dramallama and she didn't have the energy for it.

She's just been told that she's got a meeting this afternoon with her manager and senior manager because her friend was so concerned about her being off and not answering that she's gone to their shared senior manager and told him that she's worried because DD has said she's not coping with the job. And that's not the worst of it. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose.

DD is quite upset by this. I'm livid on her behalf. Her friend wasn't being helpful was she? She was interfering and acting unprofessional? How do you think DD should handle this? I'm not best placed to advise her because although I have the same disability, autism, I completely fail at managing workplace situations end just end up exploding, melting down and then quitting.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 05/09/2018 17:19

Mummyoflittledragon I get where you’re coming, but I had the advantage of reading all your comments. I have to say, the original comment (although unintended) did read as if you thought autistic people were a risk to the refugees.

Not having a go, just explaining why you got the reaction you got.

Personally, my default position has been defensive (probably by going on the offensive) for so long because of regular assumptions and ignorance around autism and what my diagnosis (and my kids dx) actually means. Sadly there are way too many stereotypes and assumptions and outright nastiness. As with any neurodiversity/disability, which I’m sure you’ve sadly encountered as well because of your DDs condition.

I wish it wasn’t so.

Booboostwo · 05/09/2018 17:26

By the by should your DD decides she needs a bit of inspiration for teaching a younger group that what she has trained for the British Council run excellent, short, online courses. I did a really good one for teaching English as a foreign language to primary school children.

Original poster
MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 17:31

That's a bloody good idea Booboostwo. I'd completely forgotten about them.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2018 17:34

Yeh I get that now. It wasn’t my intention at all. I wrote more then deleted everything else and then didn’t reread the bit I left unfortunately. So it was more of a half thought. I’ve got ME so I’m not as sharp as I used to be.

I do agree with what you are saying about disability. More for me than dd thankfully. Hers is where her heart stops beating so she drops to the ground so it’s obviously not “fake” to the bigoted. Although I had a hell of a time with the arsehole head at school until she had a seizure at school and the teacher called an ambulance. I am disabled due to being pretty ill and the way my family treat me is diabolical so yes, you’re right. It’s just for me I don’t see disability in the way a lot of others do. It’s just a part of who we are.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/09/2018 17:37

I think that’s also really important Mummy, we all view things differently and being disabled doesn’t mean we’re a hive mind so you’ve raised a really important point!

I’m sorry your DD had to deal with such an utter twat waffle though Angry and that your family are so crap about everything with you! Mine don’t believe autism exists (family of medics too!), I finally, finally got my dad to admit there was a spectrum last month (his words) and then last week he said he thinks he’s on it (well no shit Sherlock Grin) which was a huge step forward!

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/09/2018 17:40

I didn’t mean the first bit of that to sound patronising, sorry! I just read it back and it reads that way, but it was genuine!

Original poster
MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 17:46

Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to reply. I've read them all and they've been really helpful. I'll give you an update tomorrow when I hopefully hear that it's all a fuss about nothing.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2018 17:50

No not at all Hen and thanks. No need to apologise. Well isn’t your father progressive Grin. Although I wouldn’t hold your breath on that score. A few years ago I saw the head of pain management at my local hospital. He applied less pressure than the weight of a snail on a few trigger points and told me I definitely don’t have fibromyalgia. Well I saw one of his peers in private pain management, who told me that’s because the head of PM doesn’t believe in the existence of fibromyalgia. Your father may well come across a report poo pooing autism and believe.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/09/2018 17:59

Mummyoflittledragon haha my wee dad is the very definition of “can’t teach an auld dog new tricks” Grin but he’s trying which is nice Smile

God he sounds awful! What is the point when people just decide recognised diagnoses don’t exist??? Especially if it’s medics! I hope he’s in the minority in your experience.

I’ve just had it all with my new/old HV. Same HV who told me DS1 wasn’t autistic and there’s nothing wrong with him 9 years ago and made things bloody difficult has now become DS2s HV I did tell her she was right, there’s nothing “wrong” with my kids, but that DS1 (in fact DD and DS2 as well) is autistic!

She then muttered something about my defective genes. Cheeky moo.

CoraPirbright · 05/09/2018 18:21

I would tell your dd to distance herself from this ‘friend’ pretty damn smartish. I have a feeling that there will be no point in confronting her as she will be able to hide behind the excuse of “but I was only trying to help”. At best she is clueless about boundaries and hugely unprofessional, at worst she is a back-stabbing bitch. Either way, one to avoid....

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/09/2018 18:26

Hope tomorrow goes ok for your DD OP. Also hope that the manager handed the “friend’s” arse to her for being such a snide arsehole.

BlueJava · 05/09/2018 18:35

Good news and thanks for the update. But she definitely needs to distance herself from the "friend" and never confide in her again. That was sneaky imo.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2018 19:18

MyCat
I hope it goes well for your dd.

YeTalkShite
What an ignorant cow. I hope you have a sense of humour about it. She has a bloody defective gob! Smile

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/09/2018 19:45

I have a sense of humour and the added advantage (which I occasionally take the piss out of Wink) of being able to be extremely blunt Grin

You pretty much paraphrased my response to her Blush

emmyrose2000 · 06/09/2018 13:39

The other girl is not a friend at all. She's a bitch that I'd drop like a hot potato. Glad to hear that the manager appears to have sussed her out. Hopefully this "helpfulness" backstabbing will backfire on her.

Did they meet on the course, or had they known each other prior?

notapizzaeater · 06/09/2018 17:26

She's def not a real friend, hopefully it's all been sorted now,

itswinetime · 06/09/2018 17:32

I don't think you dd will have anything to worry about in terms of her job! What has she done about her 'friend' though? She needs to make sure she distances herself from this person and makes sure she isn't in a position to do this again.

Turquoise123 · 06/09/2018 17:58

Very upsetting for your daughter .

Her best approach might be that HC have been given inaccurate information and to leave it there.

Good to hear that her office seem to have the right approach - hope all goes well

CorneliusCrackers · 06/09/2018 18:08

Not read the full thread - is it medicine OP?

If so your DD was extremely unprofessional not sharing her diagnosis, and the friend is right to raise concerns if she feels your Dd isn’t coping, peoples lives are at stake

mikeTV · 06/09/2018 18:14

It's not medicine @CorneliusCrackers it's teaching (adults/young adults)

CorneliusCrackers · 06/09/2018 18:14

Ah, can see it’s teaching, ignore me Grin

LittleBookofCalm · 06/09/2018 18:16

I wonder if she was concerned that is all, presumably young too. So has a bit to learn.

Lunde · 06/09/2018 18:19

CorneliusCrackers: Not read the full thread - is it medicine OP? If so your DD was extremely unprofessional not sharing her diagnosis, and the friend is right to raise concerns if she feels your Dd isn’t coping, peoples lives are at stake

Well if you had rtft you would have seen that it has nothing to do with medicine or healthcare and also that OP's dd lives outside the UK in a country where disabled people have a right to medical privacy and do not have to disclose disabilities unless they wish to

topcat2014 · 06/09/2018 18:25

Everyone is always on about 'confidentiality' on here.

But, I am not seeing how any such rules apply to one person speaking about another person at work that they know - who is a 'peer'.

Yes, the behaviour is gauche, but all the employer rules usually apply to client relationships, or information that you become aware of in the course of your work.

So, I don't think the 'friend' has actually broken any employment rules.

MistressDeeCee · 06/09/2018 18:26

Frenemy

I think she's made herself look like a gossip and a troublemaker (which she is) by approaching management.

If your DD ever gets close to or speaks to this girl again then more fool her. Glad it turned out ok in the end