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Original poster

'concerned friend' is actually an interfering busybody?

197 replies

MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 11:12

DD and her friend graduated from their 5 year course this summer. They both landed jobs with the same organisation and started at the beginning of August. They are in different departments, with different managers but have the same senior manager.

DD is finding one part of her job quite stressful at the moment because it's completely new to her and wasn't covered as part of her training. She spoken to some of her colleagues who've given her advice and resources to help her get on top it.

DD and her friend were chatting after work on Friday about how they were finding it and DD mentioned the bit that was stressing her.

Unfortunately DD came down with a head cold on Sunday so had to ring in sick on Monday and Tuesday. Her friend tried to ring her several times on Monday but she didn't answer because she just wanted to sleep and knows her friend can be a bit of a dramallama and she didn't have the energy for it.

She's just been told that she's got a meeting this afternoon with her manager and senior manager because her friend was so concerned about her being off and not answering that she's gone to their shared senior manager and told him that she's worried because DD has said she's not coping with the job. And that's not the worst of it. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose.

DD is quite upset by this. I'm livid on her behalf. Her friend wasn't being helpful was she? She was interfering and acting unprofessional? How do you think DD should handle this? I'm not best placed to advise her because although I have the same disability, autism, I completely fail at managing workplace situations end just end up exploding, melting down and then quitting.

OP posts:
delphguelph · 05/09/2018 13:15

Friend has quite nicely shown her true colours.

Your dd needs to keep a distance from her and make her own reputation : she doesn't need to be seen as a double act with the so called friend!

Original poster
MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 13:17

What sort of TEFL course was this that took 5 years?

Where we are all teaching degrees take 5 years. She's now qualified to teach English and history to 16 - 21 year olds. Her current role is purely as an English teacher.

Blimey- a 5 year TEFL course that does not cover beginners?

Whats's so strange about that? A secondary english teacher doesn't learn how to teach 5 year olds how to read and write as part of their training.

OP posts:
delphguelph · 05/09/2018 13:18

If your DD had answered her phone or texted the friend back on Monday, none of this would have happened. The friend probably thought the worst and panicked when she got no reply.

^^

None of this would have happen? Wtaf. Answering phone calls is not compulsory, nor is 'panicking' and disclosing personal info to your boss about your mate!

Your dd has no responsibility whatsoever for this.

NotMoreMinecraft · 05/09/2018 13:18

The country the workplace is in may not have disability laws that protect disclosing diagnosis. Be careful about disclosing.

Your daughter can deny diagnosis, if she wants to keep confidentiality.

Very good points made above, good luck

Fink · 05/09/2018 13:34

Blimey- a 5 year TEFL course that does not cover beginners?

This doesn't sound that strange to me. I trained to teach foreign languages in the UK and was only trained for secondary level. When I actually started teaching and was expected to do primary years 3-6 as well it was a bit of a struggle.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/09/2018 13:43

It's a lesson for your daughter re friends.. And people who appear to be friends aren't... And issues around being caught up with a 'friend' who is a drama queen... The risk being indirect colleagues label both similarly..." Those new teachers... You know the drama llamas.. '

Don't know which country your daughter is in... Here in UK , you probably know, employers have to give RA.. Or give reasons why not.

I'd be appalled if someone dobbed in to a senior about my disability....

Think this is excellent!

‘thank you for your concern but I really was just ill. My friend got the wrong end of the stick, I expect based on a conversation in which she told me how stressful work was and I sympathetically agreed. I assure you that if I had any trouble I would tell you as everyone here has been so helpful. Thanks again for your concern.’

Satsumaeater · 05/09/2018 13:52

I feel a bit harsh saying this but if we all took time off work every time we had a cold, the country would grind to a halt. She was a bit unreasonable imo to take two days off work because of that. I know we all feel rubbish when sick with a cold but it’s nothing the average person can’t battle through

This really is nonsense. Nobody cuts you any slack if you are unwell at work, and in any event getting into world can be the main difficulty.

Anyway if you are sick enough to stay in bed all day, you were too ill for work.

Last year I had a day off for a cold. It was one of two days I had taken off sick in over 5 years. It was a dreadful cold. They happen. There are colds and colds. And you can't teach effectively if you are feeling rotten.

Satsumaeater · 05/09/2018 13:52

getting into work not world!

BertrandRussell · 05/09/2018 13:59

So it’s a teaching degree, not a TEFL course. Therein lay the confusion.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2018 14:14

Having taught English to 16-18 yos and adults, I am also surprised your dd wasn’t given information on how to teach beginners.

I have a degree and no teaching qualifications and worked my way up in the industry - ie learning on the job. I was pretty much thrown in at the deep end and just got on with it. I’m sure your dd will work out how to teach lower levels.

Your dds friend, however, is really unkind and I’m glad the employer has the measure of her.

Original poster
MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 14:26

So it’s a teaching degree, not a TEFL course. Therein lay the confusion.

Yes that's right. Sorry if I didn't explain it very well.

OP posts:
Itsnotabingthingisit · 05/09/2018 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Juells · 05/09/2018 14:47

they ask the question at the application interview stage for a reason.

Perhaps they didn't ask the question.

Andtheresaw · 05/09/2018 14:51

I guess that it's the equivalent of a MFL teacher in a UK secondary: teaching degree and MFL degree required.

Lifespan · 05/09/2018 15:03

Ooooh what a bitch dds friend has been trying to score brownie points making out the other new starter can’t cope, but dropping it in a way as to seem helpful. Ive worked with a few of these. My advise -

Tell dd to appear distinctly unruffled by what has happened. Even chuckle at the meeting and say “oh goodness there has been some crossed wires unfortunately. I had just been saying to friend, that some of the work wasn’t covered in my training. But I was really fortunate that my colleagues were helping and gave me lots of resources so I have been able to get my head round it.”
“I’m so sorry that she seems to have gave you the run around. Here’s me with a cold feeling under the weather, and she’s just such a worrier getting all wound up when I haven’t answered the phone. bless her.”
Turn it round make the friend look the fool. Little bitch may think twice about pulling a stunt like that again.

heartsease68 · 05/09/2018 15:07

That's harassment and the senior manager should be aware it's going on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2018 15:08

Your dd is working with refugees. Does she not think under these circumstances she should have disclosed her diagnosis? These are potentially vulnerable individuals.

kaldefotter · 05/09/2018 15:21

What do you mean by that mummy? Do you think a young woman with autism presents a threat to the refugees she's teaching?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2018 15:25

Kaldefotter
Of course not. Just that the way they handle her or she handles them may be different from what either party would expect. Therefore I was asking if perhaps it would have been prudent to disclose.

pollygreen7 · 05/09/2018 15:26

Mummy - i don't understand what you mean either! She is entitled to her privacy'. I've worked with refugees in a similar capacity to the OP's daughter, it's a very, very difficult job and teachers need to be supported. It sounds like the employer in this case is (rightly) doing that.

CoraPirbright · 05/09/2018 15:28

Let us know how th meeting goes OP. Hope your dd puts in a formal grievance against this so-called “friend” for disclosing private medical information.

Somanymistakes · 05/09/2018 15:34

Is she a medic? I'm just surprised she has done a 5 year course if it isn't done form of medicine or veterinary science.

Firstly - no she isn't a good friend. Either she is totally clueless and socially inappropriate and gas over reacted in a very unfortunate way...or she is a frenemy. A pretend friend who will always find some way to undermine or show you up. So thus time she has disclosed very personal information and also undermined DD's position at work.

My guess is a frenemy.

Your daughter needs to try to stay calm about this situation. It is totally manageable. I would advise her to make some notes so she remembers to cover every point. I would go to the meeting and hopefully she will get the opportunity to say her piece quickly - rather than it being a meeting to deal with her inability to cope - so they are just investigating if you see what I mean.

She should say that she is enjoying her job blah blah, as she is sure is not unusual it is a bit more stressful than academia but when she had some concerns she did xxxx and xxxx and the outcome was xxxx
Eg:spoke to a manager/consultant/read up on situation.
Outcomes feels much more confident/dealt with the problem in xxxxx way/is going on a course/undertaking more research to shore up her knowledge.

Lots of people have worries and stresses in jobs - that isn't a problem if you can show you know how to deal with them and get the support you need.

I would explain the timing of the illness and why she didn't answer the calls. I would say that I was surprised and not expecting to be contacted when off sick (be non-confrontational about this) and that never occurred to me to think it was an issue not to answer.

I would express dismay that friend took it upon herself to take the actions she did and you aren't sure why. ^

Has she ever needed to help dd like this before - could that be why? If not say there is no history of her needing to step in ^
Perhaps express surprise at her behaviour.

Reassure her manager she is ok and that if she does have issues she knows the ways to deal with it.

Regarding the autism. I actually think it is useful for her to disclose this to HR and that she should be open about it to them - it isn't something to be ashamed of and if there is a chance of her having a harder time because of it, then they should know. They have to offer her reasonable adjustments. And it shows that she is open and not hiding issues or struggling with it. However I would also say that you had not wanted it disclosed (perhaps explain her concern here) and are very disappointed and upset that it was revealed in this way.
I also know that it is her choice and hers alone. My dc has SN which are fairly hidden and he hates people thinking he is different.
I don't think work will look favourably on the friend. If I was the manager I'd have her marked down in my mind as a shit stirrer. I think it may be obvious that she was being disingenuous.

Sorry for all the crazy formatting and jumping around in subject/first person etc. I hope it is clear what I meant.

This is upsetting and unfortunate but it absolutely isn't a terrible unmanageable issue. Her friend is a bitch and I would gently talk to her about that.

The important thing is to stay calm and make sure that she addresses all the issues clearly.

She is doing really well! Maybe her friend is very threatened by her?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2018 15:35

Polly
That's precisely what I’m asking. If her employer knew about her diagnosis, couldn’t they provide better support to help her deal with the job? You’ve stated yourself it can be very, very difficult. Of course her friend should not have disclosed her medical condition. That’s not my question. Idk if what I’m asking is relevant. It’s a question, not a judgment.

Somanymistakes · 05/09/2018 15:36

Sorry if I'm about late to the party and it is all in the past!

Nikephorus · 05/09/2018 15:40

Problem with disclosing is that a lot of people are going to discriminate against you. Some might actually think you're not capable of doing the job (as Mummy sadly proves). It's different disclosing in everyday life to in employment - so much more to lose.