Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'concerned friend' is actually an interfering busybody?

197 replies

MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 11:12

DD and her friend graduated from their 5 year course this summer. They both landed jobs with the same organisation and started at the beginning of August. They are in different departments, with different managers but have the same senior manager.

DD is finding one part of her job quite stressful at the moment because it's completely new to her and wasn't covered as part of her training. She spoken to some of her colleagues who've given her advice and resources to help her get on top it.

DD and her friend were chatting after work on Friday about how they were finding it and DD mentioned the bit that was stressing her.

Unfortunately DD came down with a head cold on Sunday so had to ring in sick on Monday and Tuesday. Her friend tried to ring her several times on Monday but she didn't answer because she just wanted to sleep and knows her friend can be a bit of a dramallama and she didn't have the energy for it.

She's just been told that she's got a meeting this afternoon with her manager and senior manager because her friend was so concerned about her being off and not answering that she's gone to their shared senior manager and told him that she's worried because DD has said she's not coping with the job. And that's not the worst of it. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose.

DD is quite upset by this. I'm livid on her behalf. Her friend wasn't being helpful was she? She was interfering and acting unprofessional? How do you think DD should handle this? I'm not best placed to advise her because although I have the same disability, autism, I completely fail at managing workplace situations end just end up exploding, melting down and then quitting.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 12:30

Good update, now tell your dd to stay well clear of that 'friend', and limit what she tells her.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 12:35

If op were junior doctor, if she is genuinly sick, then it is best to be at home. She will be dealing with vulnerable patients, maybe who have compromised immune systems. I have a head cold, it is awful, feels rather like a flu (stuffy head, running nose, achy limbs, temperature, lathargic), not a regular cold.

CaMePlaitPas · 05/09/2018 12:36

DD should go to HR and put in a complaint for harassment.

Original poster
MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 12:40

They're not doctors. They're language teachers at college level. We're not in the UK so the education system is completely different. So DD has been trained to teach English as a second language to students who have already had 10 years of english lessons. One of her classes is entirely refugee students who have zero english and very limited knowledge of the native language here. She's had no training at teaching at this level so is finding it rather challenging.

OP posts:
Twombly · 05/09/2018 12:43

Fair enough. In that case, the friend needs to keep her beaky nose out of it.

LimitIsUp · 05/09/2018 12:50

Glad that the meeting doesn't look to be anything to worry about.

Good lesson for your dd though - some work colleagues, even those you are friendly with, will stitch you up big themselves up.

LittlePaintBox · 05/09/2018 12:50

I'm concerned your daughter hasn't confided in her employer about her autism. Employers are obliged to make adaptations for disability, and if I were the employer I'd want to know. She could find it very helpful. It doesn't mean everyone else has to know.

c190 · 05/09/2018 12:52

Glad to see the update OP.

If I was your DD I would actually consider raising a formal complaint against the "friend" for breach of confidentiality and disclosing a medical condition which she had no right to do. She could have caused a lot of trouble for your DD behaving the way she did and she needs to learn very quickly that it is not a professional way to behave.

TomHardysNextWife · 05/09/2018 12:52

Who needs enemies with friends like that.

She had no right whatsoever to disclose ANY medical information about your DD.

IrmaFayLear · 05/09/2018 12:59

The friend sounds quite sneaky.

Regarding the cold, it is rather poor form to be off sick when you are new in a job - and I say that as someone who is practically allergic to colds! I would tell your dd to lay it on thick about how bad the cold was, eg "I had a temperature and was going through boxes of tissues" rather than let them assume it was a bit of a sniffle and OP's dd is going to be that employee who is off sick with the most minor of ailments. Furthermore, in teaching, every effort to struggle in is important because a class might well be sitting there with no teacher.

Itsnotabingthingisit · 05/09/2018 12:59

I'm interested in the fact that your daughter did not disclose her disability.

Autism can effect a persons ability to do certain task and jobs, and certain environments and situations may be more stressful than they would be to a person without the condition . It also can be a barrier when working in a team or working on collaborative projects. I'm obviously not telling you anything you don't here.

My point is on the job application there will have been a section to disclose any disability. This is there so the employers can put in the required support they legally and morally need to do , to ensure the health, safety and wellbeing of the employee and those working with them.

If a disability has not been disclosed I would be asking questions as an employee as to why this wasn't done. An employer cannot not employ a person because they have a disability if it doesn't prevent them from doing with job with reasonable adjustments.

As for the illness, it is now good practice for staff to take time off if they unwell or unable to perform their job properly. The old school attitude of coming in unless you were dying ( thus spearding the illness to others and doing jobs to a terrible and potentially dangerous standard) has long been discarded by most forward think employers.

Basically if you have a heavy cold, the message is take a few days off to get over it and don't bring your germs in.

Holidayshopping · 05/09/2018 12:59

Wow-a 5 year Tefl course?!

That is no friend. What has your daughter said to her today?

Enb76 · 05/09/2018 13:01

I had a cold the other day that I took time off work for - a certain type of person would have called it flu but it was not flu it was a really bad cold and I took myself off to bed.

sonjadog · 05/09/2018 13:01

What sort of TEFL course was this that took 5 years?

franchesco · 05/09/2018 13:05

Reading between the lines your daughter is first year junior doctor and her friend was probably, albeit wrongly in this scenario, trying to follow the crazy rules you get told about informing management of any serious issues with a colleague.

Tell your daughter to be very cautious around this person, she could cause trouble, either maliciously or unintentionally.

BertrandRussell · 05/09/2018 13:06

Blimey- a 5 year TEFL course that does not cover beginners?

Bit different from my day when you were chucked in at the deep end after 12 weeks.........

Seaweed42 · 05/09/2018 13:06

Sounds like the college understand that both the new recruits are young and inexperienced. They will be judged on their performance, staying power and not what someone other 'friend' is saying about them. I doubt the manager at the language school gave the issue more than 3 minutes thought to be honest.
Anyone would find it very difficult to teach English to a class where no one had a single word of English - esp for the first time. However - climbing a mountain starts with a single step. Also, it's great experience for her next job if she can stick it. If she can't stick it, she can ask to be moved to a different class.
Your daughter only has to survive the next 10 minutes. If she can be herself, and enjoy herself in the class then that will be plenty and the class will go fine.
If your DD had answered her phone or texted the friend back on Monday, none of this would have happened. The friend probably thought the worst and panicked when she got no reply.
Sounds like both of them had a tendency for drama.

Original poster
MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 13:07

She didn't disclose her disability because she doesn't want any adjustments as she does not believe she needs any, she sees it as nobody's business but her own. She the opposite of me in this respect. I tell everyone and their dog about mine.

OP posts:
MindBodyChocolate · 05/09/2018 13:08

Just seen your update. Any employer worth it’s salt would be getting the measure of the friend and would also not be too impressed by her revealing confidential health information in particular.

In terms of how to deal with this, your dd has got to have 2 strategies : 1 for her friend and 1 for her employer. It sounds as if there’s no real conflict with her employer which is good. She should probably be more upfront though about asking for help or support in areas she’s finding difficult.

As for the friend, I think I’d withdraw a bit and keep things professional. I’d also give her the heads up that your dd does not expect her to ever discuss her personal or professional issues with anyone else again.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 05/09/2018 13:08

Five years? No way Confused

Jux · 05/09/2018 13:09

No friend there. Is the friend a bit insecure? Is she one of those people who has to be the star, and perhaps is also worried about her performance in the new job? Not the same role, but she may be comparing herself to dd and how she is received in the company among her colleagues. Perhaps someone mentioned that your dd was doing well, and she thought she herself wasn't doing as well so is trying to put dd down in order to raise herself up.

It doesn't matter why she did it anyway. She is clearly not to be trusted, and has already shown herself up to her managers. Making that sort of disclosure about another employee should be punishable in some way, at least a written warning, imo.

CuriousBear · 05/09/2018 13:09

An employer cannot not employ a person because they have a disability if it doesn't prevent them from doing with job with reasonable adjustments.

They can, and do. Maybe they’re not supposed to, but they get away with it so easily that it’s pretty much allowed. It’s happened to me more than once, but is so hard to prove and so hard to fight that there was nothing I could do about it.

TacoFriday · 05/09/2018 13:10

I’d ask what their company policy says about disclosing colleagues personal medical details and what earnings/reprimand this “friend” will be receiving.

TacoFriday · 05/09/2018 13:11

Warnings not earnings

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/09/2018 13:14

That friendship is down the pan. Your DD should consider raising a grievance against her „friend” for divulging her medical info.