'concerned friend' is actually an interfering busybody?

[MyCatIsBonkers]

DD and her friend graduated from their 5 year course this summer. They both landed jobs with the same organisation and started at the beginning of August. They are in different departments, with different managers but have the same senior manager.

DD is finding one part of her job quite stressful at the moment because it's completely new to her and wasn't covered as part of her training. She spoken to some of her colleagues who've given her advice and resources to help her get on top it.

DD and her friend were chatting after work on Friday about how they were finding it and DD mentioned the bit that was stressing her.

Unfortunately DD came down with a head cold on Sunday so had to ring in sick on Monday and Tuesday. Her friend tried to ring her several times on Monday but she didn't answer because she just wanted to sleep and knows her friend can be a bit of a dramallama and she didn't have the energy for it.

She's just been told that she's got a meeting this afternoon with her manager and senior manager because her friend was so concerned about her being off and not answering that she's gone to their shared senior manager and told him that she's worried because DD has said she's not coping with the job. And that's not the worst of it. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose.

DD is quite upset by this. I'm livid on her behalf. Her friend wasn't being helpful was she? She was interfering and acting unprofessional? How do you think DD should handle this? I'm not best placed to advise her because although I have the same disability, autism, I completely fail at managing workplace situations end just end up exploding, melting down and then quitting.

I hope her meeting goes well OP.. you're right.. this lass is no friend

Nike
Where did I say her dd couldn’t do the job. Fgs. Talk about reading what isn’t there.

In many countries 5 years is very much the norm for teaching qualifications to teach high school. You are required to be a graduate in subjects your teach. If you are teaching upper high school you may require a double bachelor degree which takes longer than normal 3 years (3 years gets you a pre-school teaching degree) - then teacher training is done on top.

My Swedish friend qualified as a Swedish, History and Swedish as an additional language teacher for 16-19 year olds and it took 6 years.

Did the friend know she didn't want people to know about her diagnosis?

I can see it coming out with no malice intended. Something along the lines of "with her autism diagnosis she finds certain things harder" or similar in answer to a question.

I'm sorry but that's quite a selfish attitude when working with other people. It is her employers business and they ask the question at the application interview stage for a reason.

Sorry but this is pure disablism.

It is not "selfish" to keep a medical diagnosis confidential. People with disabilities have the right to medical privacy - like anyone else. I'm sure MN would be up in arms if women were forced to disclose pregnancy or other medical conditions that they didn't feel impacted on their work performance. Just because a person is disabled it is not OK to espouse discriminatory conditions on their participation in the labour market.

Does she not think under these circumstances she should have disclosed her diagnosis? These are potentially vulnerable individuals.
This ^^ Mummy Why would autism make any difference to how she works with potentially vulnerable people?!

Meeting postponed until tomorrow as they all forgot that all new LEA employees had to attend an introduction meeting thingy at the municipality offices. The other headmaster drove them all there and told her on the way not to worry, they just wanted to make sure she was ok.

God, what a ridiculous amount of nitpicking about something which is not the point of the OP.

OP, I hope it’s senior manager has had words with the ‘friend’ about disclosing information about that. She sounds extremely unprofessional - what else is she shooting her mouth off about? Sounds like her manager is a good ‘un, though, so fingers crossed it all gets sorted. And perhaps she can start making some new friends at her workplace.

Did the friend know she didn't want people to know about her diagnosis? I can see it coming out with no malice intended. Something along the lines of "with her autism diagnosis she finds certain things harder" or similar in answer to a question.

It is not the friend's job to say anything at all or appoint herself spokesperson for someone who didn't ask for any help. Why would you even talk about someone's medical diagnoses behind their back?

Well said Lunde. That's exactly what I was thinking but ignored because I couldn't express it.

My Swedish friend qualified as a Swedish, History and Swedish as an additional language teacher for 16-19 year olds and it took 6 years.

Funny you should say this ...

@Lunde

I call bullshit on it being an unintentional "concerned" disclosure.

And also, speaking about bullshit, @Mummyoflittledragon
What exact risk do you think she poses to these "vulnerable" students? Do you have any idea what autism actually is?
Please explain that sentence that you are so indignantly defending.

She’s a backstabbing frenemy. Your dd needs to keep well away from her.

Mummyoflittledragon can I ask what you meant by your comment before I comment please? In what way would disclosure of a diagnosis be necessary?

OP your DDs “friend” is the exact opposite of what a friend is supposed to be, and disclosing private medical information is a monumentally shitty thing to do.

I can see it coming out with no malice intended. Something along the lines of "with her autism diagnosis she finds certain things harder" or similar in answer to a question.

However well intentioned, it is a gross breach of trust and incredibly offensive and infantilising.

Nike
I was looking it from the viewpoint that ops dd is potentially vulnerable herself when asking but I see I wasn’t clear in the first post despite clarifying several times. I was looking it as a mother wanting the best for my child. Op has talked clearly about her feelings of being a parent to a young adult. I’m allowed the same. Just because someone asks a question it isn’t necessarily because they think autistic people are an underclass ffs.

YeTalkShite
Just seen your comment idk. See my comment above. I have a dd with a medical condition myself. Different one entirely and will need disclosing. But just for having it I feel very protective.

Funny you should say this ...

I have a dd who has ASD (and several other diagnoses) and she has never been asked to reveal her diagnosis. In Sweden the individual cannot be required to reveal a disability.

DD will qualify as a nurse in January.

Ok so I understand where you’re coming from Mummy, your own experiences and having a child with a medical condition which will need to be disclosed are bound to shape your viewpoint.

Just from another side, as an autistic woman I am hugely over sensitive to infantilising or talking for autistic people, which is why I wanted to clarify your intentions first. I realise that wasn’t your intention, but I can entirely understand why your comment was reacted to the way it was, because it’s really hard to have to deal with that kind of thing day in day out without feeling constantly got at.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that in the same way your experiences shape the way you comment, the same applies to other posters if that makes any sense at all.

There is no obligation to disclose diagnosis if you don't believe it will affect your performance (or you can manage it yourself). Just as you don't disclose something like depression or anxiety unless you are likely to need support or assistance at work.

Why would you voluntarily disclose something that will impact you negatively - second guessing of your coping skills, iffy-ness about whether you deserve promotion, bias in assessing your performance based on the observer's stereotypes and beliefs about your condition.....

As an adult with ADHD, I am already discriminated against in things like insurance and medical records (here in Aust, a neurological condition like ADHD gets recorded on your permanent medical file (which will be going live in OCt and accessible by a swag of gov agencies) as blanket "mental illness"....why would I add to that at work?

Mummy perhaps if you left for 'FFS' out of it you might be taken more seriously. As it is you just sound ignorant and rude to someone who also has autism.
OP - sounds like it's going to be okay but fingers crossed for tomorrow anyway for DD.

I do hope you DD tells this 'friend' where to go. No-one needs someone like that in their life. Interfering cow. She wasn't trying to help, she was trying to cause trouble for your DD. Hopefully, this has backfired nicely.

I'm so sorry, this person is not a friend at all. Could she be jealous of DD in some way? I can't understand why anyone would do such a thing. I would certainly zip it around this 'friend' and not say anymore as it looks like she can't be trusted at all.

DD could possibly contact ACAS, if there is a Union it might be a good idea to join ASAP.

In my opinion why does it matter to her friend if she's having a few getting problems? Unless her managers have concerns about her work I really don't see any problem. As long as she's hitting set targets, or working towards hitting them, again that's all that matters.

Really hope it goes well for DD.

YeTalkShite
Sorry no. I wasn’t trying to do that. I was just projecting my fears.