'concerned friend' is actually an interfering busybody?

[MyCatIsBonkers]

DD and her friend graduated from their 5 year course this summer. They both landed jobs with the same organisation and started at the beginning of August. They are in different departments, with different managers but have the same senior manager.

DD is finding one part of her job quite stressful at the moment because it's completely new to her and wasn't covered as part of her training. She spoken to some of her colleagues who've given her advice and resources to help her get on top it.

DD and her friend were chatting after work on Friday about how they were finding it and DD mentioned the bit that was stressing her.

Unfortunately DD came down with a head cold on Sunday so had to ring in sick on Monday and Tuesday. Her friend tried to ring her several times on Monday but she didn't answer because she just wanted to sleep and knows her friend can be a bit of a dramallama and she didn't have the energy for it.

She's just been told that she's got a meeting this afternoon with her manager and senior manager because her friend was so concerned about her being off and not answering that she's gone to their shared senior manager and told him that she's worried because DD has said she's not coping with the job. And that's not the worst of it. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose.

DD is quite upset by this. I'm livid on her behalf. Her friend wasn't being helpful was she? She was interfering and acting unprofessional? How do you think DD should handle this? I'm not best placed to advise her because although I have the same disability, autism, I completely fail at managing workplace situations end just end up exploding, melting down and then quitting.

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Glad the manager seems to be sensible

She needs to look incredulous if questioned on any of that stuff, and politely enquire where on earth they heard it from.
Let them explain that they’ve hauled in in on the say so of a gossipy colleague.
But it could be something quite different, so she needs to stay calm.

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She's spoken to her manager and he seems to have got the measure of the friend already. He thinks the meeting this afternoon is more out of concern and wanting to be a good employer. So he's told her not to worry about it.

Well that seems positive and could be helpful.

If your daughter had already raised some concerns about her role with colleagues and then 1 month into a new job had 2 days off with a cold that may have triggered a meeting even if the friend wasn't involved.

Oh, just seen your update

If your dad taking 2 days off mean she’ll be more productive going forward and stopped half a dozen people catching something then time off was the right call.

As others have said, in the meeting she should stick to the facts, she found an aspect of her job hard and took steps to rectify this. Worth adding she’s happy that her job is stretching her and she is learning a lot and feels she is contributing well.

That's a good update on manager's concerns! Good luck to your DD for this afternoon.

I'd speak to HR about the 'friend' and see if any confidentiality has been breached in some way and put in a complaint about the 'friend'. What she's done is not on at all.

Good news OP.

She is not a friend, I agree.

Having said that, two days off work for a cold seems a lot. I think previous posters have misread your OP and thought you said one day. Two days is taking the piss a bit.

I can see it from both sides. Your DD made the error of confiding too much info to her friend (we’ve all done it and it will be a lesson learned). The friend was then, perhaps understandably, concerned when your DD didn’t answer her calls. Friend made the mistake of beng to open about your DD (again, I suspect we’ve all been there - got over involved in other peoples’ business, again a lesson learned for her).
They are both young and learning how to behave in the work place - I think the friend could be cut a little slack as I am sure the situation will be resolved.
Perhaps it would have been more sensible for your DD to disclose her disability so that appropriate support could be in place for just this kind of scenario?
Also I agree it would certainly have been sensible not to take time off for a cold if possible so early in the proceedings.
You must resist getting involved yourself though and simply advise your daughter as best you can.

Has the 'friend' a history of this kind of behaviour? Some people are very good at shoving themselves into situations with what they may even believe are good intentions, but they are clueless; other people are actively interested in sabotaging others to make themselves look good.

I feel a bit harsh saying this but if we all took time off work every time we had a cold, the country would grind to a halt. She was a bit unreasonable imo to take two days off work because of that. I know we all feel rubbish when sick with a cold but it’s nothing the average person can’t battle through.

I also don’t think the friend was all that bad. She was concerned about her friend not coping with the job so went to management, concerned for her friend and colleague. She wasn’t aware your DD was sick so was probably anxious and worried it was due to DD’s struggles with the job. If DD had simply text her to say yeah I’m ok, just really sick with a damn cold then I reckon the situation could’ve been avoided.

I think your daughter needs to have a serious talk to her friend about boundaries.

Two days for a cold is excessive, that’s true.

like fanomoninon's idea about taking in a concise list of points she wishes to cover in the meeting. It's all too easy to get flustered and sidetracked in a meeting and fail to mention something important. She could even write down a few specific phrases she plans to use, to help ensure she comes across as she intends

Yes. And that’s no friend, even accountingn for their relative youth.

YANBU. At least the friend has identified herself as someone not to be trusted at all. I would definitely follow the advice that's been posted already.

to just advise your dd, from an employers perspective, so she can deal with meeting today, fist she must stay calm, of course if you hear that someone who is new in is having difficulty with a part of a job you'd want to meet to discuss it with them properly, even from the perspective of hearing it from another employee you want to ensure that they feel their concerns are addressed properly, so this is a positive they are obviously concerned proactive employers, I'd stress this to your daughter its an excellent opportunity for her to talk about her job,, she in turn needs to make it clear in a very calm way yes she did find x task daunting ( tell her to try avoid using word stress) only because she didn't have any experience of it ,but she has discussed it with x person and has been directed to y resources and feels she has the tools now and will gain experience as shes only had 4/5 weeks. . but everything else is brilliant she's enjoying the pqrs ( let her insert what she's best at to reinforce the job is far more than the one new task), if the issue of autism is raised she should also just consider that an employer might just need to know if there is something they should need to know to help her in her job, or should do to assist her, while she may not want to discuss it she doesn't need to view it as anything other than building a good relationship with her employer. I know it sounds trite to say but she should be pleased its in the open as far as employer is concerned, and she should try get that across in any discussion.

However the negatives, honestly it wasn't just a day off it was two days off for a head cold, and she only started a month ago, this could be a huge worry, aside from the whole friend issue , and she might find herself being told in no uncertain terms any more sick days she will need take doctors note , I think we'd all feel everyone makes a huge effort in first few months at new job so someone seeming to malinger ( and I am not saying she was just it might seem she was) so early might be something they want to put a stop to now.

As for the friend, well your daughter has learnt a lesson now I'm sure shell be looking at this friendship with much wiser eyes in the future.

‘thank you for your concern but I really was just ill. My friend got the wrong end of the stick, I expect based on a conversation in which she told me how stressful work was and I sympathetically agreed. I assure you that if I had any trouble I would tell you as everyone here has been so helpful. Thanks again for your concern.’

hahaha I really liked this suggestion.

She needs to ditch the friend, as most pp have said.

I would be cutting off from that 'friend' tbh, she sounds quite nasty, and I think what she did was intentional. A decent friend would not do this. Sounds like she wanted your dd to get into trouble. I would advice dd to speak to her manager about it, and data protection, her friend disclosing sensitive information about dd.

All the people saying that she shouldn't take time off with a cold. Maybe she is a junior doctor working with very ill people - a 5 year course is mentioned?

Glad your daughter has spoken to her manager and all seems to be well op.

I have a 15yr old ds with autism and I would be bloody fuming if his friend pulled the same trick.
Thankfully his friends are brilliant and don't feel the need to discuss it as it doesn't define him as a person.
The friend should know better

There are a lot of people unimpressed with the dd for taking two days off for a cold. There are colds and there are colds. Some which have a bit of a sore throat and a fluffy head, and you can work through, and some which leave you feeling absolutely awful and like you just need to curl up in a ball. I've taken time off for a "cold" before, not for a sniffle, but for a cold where you know you would not be productive in the slightest, and would get over it much quicker with a day or two in bed.

I'm never impressed when I see obviously ill colleagues in the office who are battling through tbh, I don't want to catch what they've got, I'd rather they took a day off.

Great advice from BlackrockMum. I agree that two days off for a cold is taking the piss a bit, especially in a new job.

Great update OP, the friend has outed herself as a busy body.😄

From your OP, I'm wondering if DD and her friend are junior doctors, in which case it could be argued that if the friend feels DD isn't coping, perhaps because of her disability, she had a wider duty to report than just concern for your DD. The friend may know stuff from their training that you aren't aware of, and a junior doctor taking 2 days off with a cold one month in is a big fat red flag. Just a thought, perhaps wide of the mark.