Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'concerned friend' is actually an interfering busybody?

197 replies

MyCatIsBonkers · 05/09/2018 11:12

DD and her friend graduated from their 5 year course this summer. They both landed jobs with the same organisation and started at the beginning of August. They are in different departments, with different managers but have the same senior manager.

DD is finding one part of her job quite stressful at the moment because it's completely new to her and wasn't covered as part of her training. She spoken to some of her colleagues who've given her advice and resources to help her get on top it.

DD and her friend were chatting after work on Friday about how they were finding it and DD mentioned the bit that was stressing her.

Unfortunately DD came down with a head cold on Sunday so had to ring in sick on Monday and Tuesday. Her friend tried to ring her several times on Monday but she didn't answer because she just wanted to sleep and knows her friend can be a bit of a dramallama and she didn't have the energy for it.

She's just been told that she's got a meeting this afternoon with her manager and senior manager because her friend was so concerned about her being off and not answering that she's gone to their shared senior manager and told him that she's worried because DD has said she's not coping with the job. And that's not the worst of it. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose.

DD is quite upset by this. I'm livid on her behalf. Her friend wasn't being helpful was she? She was interfering and acting unprofessional? How do you think DD should handle this? I'm not best placed to advise her because although I have the same disability, autism, I completely fail at managing workplace situations end just end up exploding, melting down and then quitting.

OP posts:
Enjoli · 06/09/2018 18:31

Ah yes - the 'concerned friend.' The most clichéd of the female psychopath tropes.

I had a 'concerned friend' once. She tried to fuck up my life when envy turned to contempt. It's a long ugly story. In short like all such 'concerned friends,' she told cunning, plausible lies based on seeds of truth for maximum believability. She further gaslit the recipients who rightly found certain tidbits hard to believe, having known me for so long -- by claiming I wasn't what I seemed. She implied secret knowledge of the 'real' me, but refused to give further details, saying she didn't want to be indiscreet. People imagined the worst and admired her restraint, mistaking it for morality. Eventually she was unmasked. Hag.

Your daughter has learned an awful lesson. I'm sorry.

MeyMary · 06/09/2018 18:33

Haven't read the whole thread.

But am I correct in assuming that your DD has a mental disability?

I'm not NT myself and I know from experience to never ever disclose (unless legally necessary).

Denying it / stating that she would like to know how they came to this conclusion (=are you unhappy with my performance?) is what I'd probably do...
It's one of the reasons I don't tell colleagues or anyone I'm not related to or have known for ages. (I'm not blaming your DD I've just had a few experiences...)

Her friend is a twat. I hope the meeting goes well!

astoundedgoat · 06/09/2018 18:34

I hope your DD now sees the lay of the land with her friend - frenemy, as Mistress says, and keeps her distance from now on, which is a pity. She (the "friend") actively tried to damage your daughter's career, and while it's not worth making a hullabulloo about (rise above it etc), she needs to keep it carefully in mind in the future.

MeyMary · 06/09/2018 18:35

My experience of not disclosing is based on a different industry, btw.
They might be less judgemental with teaching. I have absolutely no idea.

ohfourfoxache · 06/09/2018 19:06

She ain’t no friend.....

I hope your dd can get a mahoosive amount of distance between them and soon

Iseveryusernametaken · 06/09/2018 20:25

Her friend may have been interfering, on the other hand she may have been genuinely concerned. If your daughter normally responds and just went off radar, she may have been worried given as she knew that she was worried about elements of the job. Regardless, she's just inadvertently done her a favour, as now the disability is disclosed, her employer has an obligation to recognise it and make reasonable adjustments in order to help her.

Mackymacmacface · 06/09/2018 20:40

Employers were probably freaking somewhat that they haven't provided the environment for your daughter to thrive (and that could come back to bite them with a discrimination lawsuit down the track). Meeting will be to ensure that your daughter feels that she has support she needs + agree a training plan. Your daughter should treat this as a positive meeting and see that the company wants to set her up for success.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/09/2018 20:47

Are employers actually obliged to provide an environment for an employee to thrive?
If it’s under disability legislation, op’s dd hadn’t disclosed any disability? Confused

MeyMary · 06/09/2018 21:00

Regardless, she's just inadvertently done her a favour, as now the disability is disclosed, her employer has an obligation to recognise it and make reasonable adjustments in order to help her.

This is not my experience. At least not in regard to what actually ends up happening... But maybe your experiences were better.

Iseveryusernametaken · 06/09/2018 21:50

MeyMary

It's the law in relation to the Equality Act 2010. If they don't, they risk a claim at ET for disability discrimination.

Blueink · 06/09/2018 22:59

OP as you alluded to, she’s an adult who has to make her own way in life now, including learning from her mistakes. If she had been upfront about what she was dealing with she would have nothing to hide and whatever the other young woman said or didn’t say, whatever her motives, best intentions or not, would make no difference. It’s a more powerful way to operate than not disclosing, a polite way of saying lying, which always bites you in the arse eventually. Get your attention off her anyway. You will do her the biggest service - sometimes missing a school bus or two is what is required!!

MeyMary · 07/09/2018 06:16

@Iseveryusernametaken
Yes. I'm just saying that this is not my experience of how it ultimately works out. Which is why I don't disclose.

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm not even sure where (which country) the OP's DD works...

Yb23487643 · 07/09/2018 09:08

Sounds like they are both junior doctors (5 yr course, jobs starting August). They have to sit this exam called the SJT situational judgement test. It’s what the GMC requires you do in various scenarios. Generally if you’re concerned about a colleague and you think it may impact on patient care, you contact the person themselves then escalate up so speak to their educational or clinical supervisor (sounds like they share an educational supervisor). However, I think the “friend” has taken this & gone waaaaaaay overboard.
The friend should not have discussed confidential medical information without consent from your daughter. She may have thought the supervisor already knew.
Did the foundation school not know about your daughter’s disability from the disclosure form your daughter jointly sent with her university when applying for jobs? I’d be a bit surprised if she didn’t.
The other thing is that even tho the friend been OTT & out of order in disclosing, I know several junior doctors with autism who have struggled early on but have been really helped by occupational health. And having colleagues know has been more supportive than discriminatory. I’m sorry this has happened tho. It might be worth having a word with the post grad department so the “friend” could be spoken to about why she may have been well intentioned but a bit unwise/unprofessional.

MeyMary · 07/09/2018 09:23

@Yb23487643

They OP's DD teaches language as a foreign language. :)

MulticolourMophead · 07/09/2018 09:23

They are not doctors, but teachers.

MeyMary · 07/09/2018 09:24

Teaches English as a foreign language. Oops Grin

WhatchaMaCalllit · 07/09/2018 09:27

@Yb23487643 - the OP has stated that they are not doctors, junior or otherwise.

Yb23487643 · 07/09/2018 09:38

Yep I missed that page! Just what the friend dpd sounds pretty much an exaggerated version of what junior Drs are advised to do. I wonder if OP says not medicine but it is really? Like she doesn’t want the patient safety aspect to be an issue? So is disguising profession & trying to make her child anonymous?

Yb23487643 · 07/09/2018 09:40

I’d be very surprised if it took 5yrs to TEFL & to have same “boss” but different departments? Sounds v like the educational supervisor role where they don’t necessarily work in the same department as their supervisee & look after several trainees hence why friend & op daughter gave the same one

CorneliusCrackers · 07/09/2018 09:42

I too wondered if it was actually medicine! The coincidences are massive, 5 year course, starting August, 2 friends working in same place but different ‘departments’, same ‘supervisor’ for both. In teaching you wouldn’t start in August, it’s not a 5 year course and you wouldn’t say different ‘departments’.

I know OP has said it’s in a different country though, so obviously can’t comment on that.

But OP , if it is medicine and you don’t want that to be known, fair enough but the advice you get on a teacher is not applicable to the advice if DD is a junior doctor - if she’s a doctor, her friend had acted appropriatley

CorneliusCrackers · 07/09/2018 09:46

And if it is medicine and DD has concealed a significant condition that may affect fitness to practice, that is a probity issue. I know someone who nearly got struck off because he didn’t mention he was colour blind

Lunde · 07/09/2018 10:10

@CorneliusCrackers

Please read the thread

OP has made it clear that it is teaching

OP has hinted at a country where teaching degrees for 16-19 take 5-6 years

In the country that OP has hinted at - disabled people are not required to disclose disabilities to employers unless they require workplace adaptations

overnightangel · 07/09/2018 10:13

How did the meeting go?

CorneliusCrackers · 07/09/2018 10:14

@Lunde

I have read the thread, I simply wondered if the OP had changed some information to conceal the fact that her daughter is a medic for privacy reasons etc, as a (presumably) U.K. born autistic teenager going abroad for a 5 year teaching degree and starting a job in August, in a different ‘department’ to her friend sounds quite unusual.

Disclaimer: not troll hunting, don’t think OP is a troll!

WellThisIsShit · 07/09/2018 10:55

How did the meeting go?

Btw it’s not a crazy long TEFL course, which does sound odd, it’s a full teaching qualification in another country, so please don’t pick holes and go all detective based on wrong facts.

My experiences of disclosing a disability in the workplace mean I wouldn’t advise anyone to unless the company or organization had a proven track record of supporting disabled people.