'concerned friend' is actually an interfering busybody?

[MyCatIsBonkers]

DD and her friend graduated from their 5 year course this summer. They both landed jobs with the same organisation and started at the beginning of August. They are in different departments, with different managers but have the same senior manager.

DD is finding one part of her job quite stressful at the moment because it's completely new to her and wasn't covered as part of her training. She spoken to some of her colleagues who've given her advice and resources to help her get on top it.

DD and her friend were chatting after work on Friday about how they were finding it and DD mentioned the bit that was stressing her.

Unfortunately DD came down with a head cold on Sunday so had to ring in sick on Monday and Tuesday. Her friend tried to ring her several times on Monday but she didn't answer because she just wanted to sleep and knows her friend can be a bit of a dramallama and she didn't have the energy for it.

She's just been told that she's got a meeting this afternoon with her manager and senior manager because her friend was so concerned about her being off and not answering that she's gone to their shared senior manager and told him that she's worried because DD has said she's not coping with the job. And that's not the worst of it. She's also taken it upon herself to inform of DD's disability which she knows DD did not want to disclose.

DD is quite upset by this. I'm livid on her behalf. Her friend wasn't being helpful was she? She was interfering and acting unprofessional? How do you think DD should handle this? I'm not best placed to advise her because although I have the same disability, autism, I completely fail at managing workplace situations end just end up exploding, melting down and then quitting.

Oh and as an aside, I was a bit taken aback by @Mummyoflittledragons first comment on here but understand now the intention.

I would always give her the benefit of the doubt though, knowing her from other threads about illness and disability.

My experiences of disclosing a disability in the workplace mean I wouldn’t advise anyone to unless the company or organization had a proven track record of supporting disabled people.

I 100% agree. I would not disclose unless I was legally required to do so.

I'm not saying that comments like this "It's the law in relation to the Equality Act 2010. If they don't, they risk a claim at ET for disability discrimination." are incorrect. But my own personal experience with disclosing have been very negative...

And for those equating not disclosing with lying:
Do you inform your employer of every health issue (even if it's medically managed)? Would you mention it at the very beginning of your employment?
Would you infront them of anything else that could be seen as potentially interfering (could be a personal problem like a breakup or maybe MH issues due to a trauma)?

Or would you simply expect to have the right to privacy?
To have your employer treat you like everyone else and judge your performance by exactly the same standards?

@MetMary

It completley depends.

Do a retail employer have the right to know if you’ve been recently treated for chlamydia? No

Do a hospital have a right to know one of their doctors is having a psychotic episode on a background of schizophrenia? Yes

It’s entireley related to the condition and context

It’s entireley related to the condition and context

Absolutely. But that is not how certain users phrased it... I just had to go one page back to find this wonderful gem:

she’s an adult who has to make her own way in life now, including learning from her mistakes. If she had been upfront about what she was dealing with she would have nothing to hide and whatever the other young woman said or didn’t say, whatever her motives, best intentions or not, would make no difference. It’s a more powerful way to operate than not disclosing, a polite way of saying lying, which always bites you in the arse eventually

Being non NT does not necessarily need to be disclosed. Does she need any reasonable adjustments to be made? No? Well why does the employer need to know? My husband does not disclose being dyslexic (not suggesting this is in away way similar to autism) as its irrelevant to his job.
The other woman strikes me as being narcissistic ("its all about me") or psychopathic, and in both senses very dangerous and toxic. Best thing to do is maintain friendly enough civility at a distance but never ever disclose any information.

Be really straight with your employers and good luck!

I worked with someone just like this. I did nothing and see got found our as over time I think she ended u trying to interfere with everyone's job in every team she worked with! It's good that they don't work directly together as she can't steal credit for your daughter's work as well.

The important thing is not to panic. If it's a decent company they are not calling a meeting to be nosey or anything - they are calling it because they would be failing in duty of care to your daughter if they didn't given they have heard she was stressed then took time off.

I assume your daughter called in sick though and didn't just not turn up!?

Just tell her to -

Keep calm. Don't slag this girl off just state the facts. They will come to their own conclusions.

Now they know about the autism they may want to talk to your daughter about it further so be prepared for this. They may want to understand more about it and also want to know if they need to make any adjustments at work for her. Again she can be brief and factual and thank them for their concern and it might be a good idea to point out as well if there are any autism traits she has which may actually help her job so they don't see it as a negative

I would tell them that there was a situation which was frustrating her so she discussed it with a friend. She came up with a solution and took action and now it's no longer a problem. Reassure them that if she was really struggling or stressed she would tell them but felt she could deal with the situation by herself. But has learnt her lesson about offloading to someone at work as she can see how things easily can get misinterpreted. This is the kind of problem solving / self improvement thing they are looking for in a graduate employee

It will be fine! It's hard to get jobs at the moment so she must be well suited to the role

Just an aside, to be able to teach in Soctland can easily take 5 years.

4 years for the Honours degree, followed by 1 year post grad teaching qualification.You can't teach in a state school in Scotland wihout having both a degree and a teaching qualification in the subject

I know that is slightly Off Topic as the OP has made it clear a) that they are not in the UK and b) that 5 years is the norm for teaching the age group concerned in the country they are in, but I just wanted to let people know who couldn't believe that it would take 5 years to be able to teach that it is perfectly possible to take that long even within the UK

Oh - and the "friend" is no friend

I live in a country where teaching training is 5-6 years long, especially that aimed at upper-secondary level and where schools begin in August. In fact, I suspect I either live in the same country or a neighbouring country to where the OP´s daughter is. So while I don't know if the OP is changing her daughter´s job or not, it is not unlikely that she is in fact teaching.

...and guess what, schools in Scotland go back in mid August (it's not just Junior Doctors)

I do get fed up with people who view things with a purely English-centric filter even when the OP has said it is not the UK. (And the UK itself can have major differences within its constituent countries).

How did your DD's meeting go OP? Hopefully things were ok and that she has come to realise that her 'friend' is actually a frenemy.

I have read the thread, I simply wondered if the OP had changed some information to conceal the fact that her daughter is a medic for privacy reasons etc, as a (presumably) U.K. born autistic teenager going abroad for a 5 year teaching degree and starting a job in August, in a different ‘department’ to her friend sounds quite unusual.

Judging by her replies to me OP is in a Scandi country where none of this would be unusual at all. A 6th form college/adult education college, starts in mid/late August, teaching degrees take 5-6 years, there are many different departments (languages, social sciences, maths and science, PE etc) and many have refugee classes that provides intensive languages and other subjects for a fixed period)

My English first-language, autistic 20-something is currently studying nursing at a Swedish University (in Swedish), is just about to start her final placement - and has never been required to disclose ASD.

I wonder if OP says not medicine but it is really? Like she doesn’t want the patient safety aspect to be an issue? So is disguising profession & trying to make her child anonymous?

Only the true Messiah would deny his divinity.

As I've said, we're in Sweden. A teaching degree takes 5 - 7 years here. Schools went back on 20th August having broken up in June, teachers went back the week before. Departments aren't organised by subject. They're organised by 'line'. So a 4 class intake means 4 lines. All the teachers that teach the same class are in the same department and they will all have that class of kids throughout their time at the school.

She's had the meeting. It went fine. They were just wanting to make sure everything was ok and for her to know she could come to them if there was a problem. They did mention that they realised some people find it a bit hard to move from student/friend relationship to a professional one. But it'll come.

She's told her friend that it's not on and that there'll be fireworks if it happens again. Except there won't be as she's not stupid and won't be sharing anything with her friend again unless she's happy for the world to know.

In defense of the friend, her twin graduated last year and has not coped at all with her job and has been off sick on and off for the whole year and has now been let go. DD suspects that this may have been a factor in friend going OTT.

Anyway, head thinks she's doing fine. He said he normally gets a constant stream of kids moaning about their teachers from the day they arrive, they're too hard, they're too soft, they're too smelly etc. He's not had one complaining about DD yet ...

So glad the meeting went well, and that the head is supportive of your DD instead of believing hearsay and gossip!

Haha, the lack of complaints from the kids can only be a good thing! I wonder if her friend is labelled too gobby

Well done to your daughter OP

Great news! Glad your daughter is doing well, added bonus that this “friend” has shot herself in the foot as managers will be watching everything she does now as they now know what she’s like

Chlamydia is not a disability. If someone has a treated infection, what interest would that hold to an employer?
Not disclosing a disability, having to hide it and being worried about being found out as if it’s something to be ashamed of is disempowering and does nothing to move things on in terms of stigma.
OP great your DD is in a supportive workplace & now everything is in the open, in a better position to support her.

Oh & yes, to answer your question, I have and do inform my employer upfront and ongoingly of anything that may affect my performance at work - such as bereavement

I didn’t used to and it was exhausting

I didn’t used to and it was exhausting

I am happy you had a more positive experience in regards to disclosing not being NT.

It was not beneficial in my case and I therefore wouldn't do it again. I am not ashamed or particularly afraid of being found out but it is something that simply doesn't concern my employers.

I did once tell a boss I had a urine infection; I was on my 3rd course of anti-biotics and was feeling pretty rotten, needed frequent wee breaks and many trips to kitchen for water. He was utterly understanding. I felt I had to tell him as we were in the same office so he saw me going in and out often and asked if I was OK. Really really nice man. Still sends me Xmas and birthday cards more than 20 years on.