To want to have my son every Christmas Day?

[opalescent]

Genuinely torn about this.
I have a 5 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. My son is from a previous relationship, and sees his dad consistently every other weekend, more in the holidays.

They have a lovely relationship, and my son adores going to see his dad.

For the first couple of Christmases, we split the actual day- so my son was with me until mid afternoon, and then went off to his dads.
I decided last year to stop that, as I felt it made the day too bitty, and my son also received two full Christmas present hauls in one day, which was just too overwhelming for him.

I strongly feel that it is better for him to spend the whole of Christmas Day in one place- but I don't want it be anywhere other than with me 😨. I hate the thought of splitting him up from his little sister, and flat out can't imagine Christmas Eve or morning without him.

As the main care giver- wibu to say that he is with me every Christmas Day (for the foreseeable), and goes to his dad on Boxing Day?

Tbh OP it sounds more like it's about what you want not what your son wants. You say he enjoys seeing his dad? So alternate Christmases.

Of course it’s unreasonable.
The fair options are to split the day or alternate

I would find that unreasonable for his dad, but we don't celebrate Boxing Day, so I'm not sure of the equivalence.

You'll be roasted for this. My children are with me every Christmas because their Dad is a feckless twat who rarely bothers with them. He did try to swoop in and cream of special events without ever having done any of the donkey work and I didn't allow it. He wasn't that bothered anyway apart from the usual wanting his own way.

That said, if your son's Dad is a present and supportive father then I am afraid I think you are being unreasonable. As difficult as it is.

YANBU to want that but YABU for trying to enforce it. Its not all about you. You stopped the original arrangement because you thought it was too bitty, what did your DS want? You can just have two Christmas days on the years your ex has DS on Christmas day, just celebrate again on boxing day.

Of course YABU. Put your son’s wishes first.

It’s not unreasonable to want it.

It would be unreasonable to do it. If you don’t want to split the day then you have to do every other year

There's a lot about your feelings but not a lot about your son's. If he's overwhelmed by the amount of presents, agree between you to give him less. Denying him the opportunity to ever have Christmas Day with a father he 'adores' because you can't imagine Christmas without him doesn't seem very fair.

Of course you’re not unreasonable, we’d all want the same. But you can’t expect it because you know it’s only fair to alternate, and that’s what’s best for your son

His dads wishes are just as important as yours, even if it is difficult

Of course it's not fair for you to get all Christmas days, how could that be fair on his dad? Understandable that you'd prefer that of course, I'm sure his dad would too.

YABU - you arent doing it for his benefit, youre doing it for your own benefit.

Either you split the day so he spends half with you and half with his dad or you alternate every other year. You can't have it both ways.

I share custody of my DD with her dad 50/50 and she spends every other Christmas with me and the alternates with her dad. When she spends Christmas day with her dad we have Christmas at a later date, which she loves because she gets two Christmases every year.

Actually the adults wishes are far less importance than the child's wishes.

I think yabu and should split Christmases. It is sad but the only fair way.

Yabu Im afraid but I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. Unfortunately if you are separated parents and the other parent is hands on and supportive this is just one of those situations that will occur when you have to put your child first. He has 2 parents. Not just one.

Your hold has two parents. You chose to have a child with someone else. That means your life will involve splitting important events with that other person who is just as important to your child as you are. You can’t be selfish.

😨 ok okay. That's fairly clear! I'll have to get my head around alternating I think.

You can't have it both ways. Either you split Christmas Day the way you were or if you want him to have the day at one place you have to accept he has alternate years with his Dad. His Dad would probably love to have him every year too.

As pp said it's not about what you want. It's what's fair to your son - & his Dad

Sorry, but I do think yabu. Alternate Christmases makes more sense to me, especially seeing as they have a good relationship and your ds enjoys seeing his dad.

Do you have a good relationship with his dad? Maybe he doesn’t actually have a preference? In which case you might get lucky and be able to come to an ageeement but you can’t just unilaterally make the decision on your own. I think that’s harsh.

X post! Glad you’ve decided to get your head round alternating.

You carry on alternating. On your years, you can celebrate Christamas on Boxing Day- isn’t Father Christmas clever to know he should bring presents on Boxing Day in those alternate years. You make traditions that work for you.

I do have a good relationship with his dad- he is generally a reasonable guy

Unfortunately this is just part and parcel of the aftermath of separation, distressing though it is. Your son needs to spend these important times with his father as well as his mother, and your ex deserves to have Christmases with his son just as much as you do. It is hard, though.

My DH’s Mum did this when he was a kid. His parents split when he was three so he has no memories of ever having seen his Dad at Christmas. It doesn’t even occur to him to factor his Dad into Christmas plans because he has never experienced it. I find it really sad. His Dad tried desperately hard to be a part of his life and had very regular contact, holidays etc, but was never allowed to share Christmas Day with his son

YABU. Surely the original arrangement suited you, as you got Xmas Eve and morning with him every year. I think you were very foolish to end this schedule because in your exe's shoes I would now say okay if that's how you want to be I want the whole Xmas period every other year.