To want to have my son every Christmas Day?

[opalescent]

Genuinely torn about this.
I have a 5 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. My son is from a previous relationship, and sees his dad consistently every other weekend, more in the holidays.

They have a lovely relationship, and my son adores going to see his dad.

For the first couple of Christmases, we split the actual day- so my son was with me until mid afternoon, and then went off to his dads.
I decided last year to stop that, as I felt it made the day too bitty, and my son also received two full Christmas present hauls in one day, which was just too overwhelming for him.

I strongly feel that it is better for him to spend the whole of Christmas Day in one place- but I don't want it be anywhere other than with me 😨. I hate the thought of splitting him up from his little sister, and flat out can't imagine Christmas Eve or morning without him.

As the main care giver- wibu to say that he is with me every Christmas Day (for the foreseeable), and goes to his dad on Boxing Day?

The problem is stop that the bar for men is so low that loving a kid is seen as something women should be grateful for.
Wow he's a proper dad and wants to see his kid for Christmas. He sees the kid every other weekend and gives her money for nappies and everything.
So?
That's sod all in comparison to the resident parent. Nobody praises women who happen to love their kids. Nobody gives women the star action, we are expected to clear the shit up and let the dad get all the credit. I've seen it time and time again, and women, 99% of the time the resident parent, have to suck it up and be selfless, as the OP is having to do, no matter how the dad behaves, who he decides to sleep with, have more kids with, whatever. But nobody praises the mum, rather condemns her for being selfish for wanting something special with her kid.
Might be the fair thing to do but doesn't make it right. I'm not saying her son shouldn't see his dad but she shouldn't be slated for wanting to enjoy the lovely bits, when she likely does most of the lions share anyway.

I haven’t read the full thread but thought I’d share my solution.

My ex and I used to alternate. The split was one had Xmas eve and until 6pm Xmas day, the other has from 6pm Xmas day until 27th Dec.

How I dealt with this when my turn was from 6pm Xmas day was to simply ignore that that was Xmas day and treat it like Xmas eve when DS came home at 6pm, put stockings out etc. I actually came to prefer when my turn was Boxing Day as it meant not having to kiss DS goodbye at 6pm and having the evening too! Had I had more children while my ex was still alive I’d have continued this as imo it isn’t Christmas until all your loved ones are all together.

Op did you really expect people to tell you this was ok to do?! If you want to spend every Christmas day with your son you should have stayed with his father. Stop being so selfish.

It depends if your Ex is OK with him spending 25th at yours and 26th at his each year or if Christmas day is important to him too.

If he's fine with it then that's great. If not, then celebrate Christmas on 26th every other year.

I should say, as a child of divorced parents as well as a parent of one, I think splitting the day only really works well with younger children. I was 9 when my parents split and by 11 I despised splitting the day.

It is something I will be mindful of with my own child (who is currently very young), with each passing year.

I don't alternate Christmas.
Ex has never asked to have ds and if he did the answer would be no. Or at least not yet.
When he does half the parenting, half the day to day graft makes half the sacrifices and pays anything near half the cost of raising a child he can have half the Christmases.
He's welcome to come here for breakfast and give presents and see him on the morning and gets other days over the period. I think that's fair.

Yabu.

My ex sees the kids 24 hours a fortnight
Ex and I split the day as we assumed that the kids would want to see both of us on Xmas Day. I've always had Xmas Eve-2pm Xmas Day while he has 2pm Xmas Day-27th

I think that I have the much better deal as they are super excited on Xmas Eve. Once I worked out what to do when the kids left, the new routine has become my new normal although I admit it took a couple of times to get used to things.

My stepson alternates, one year he wakes up with us and we have the present opening, then back to his mums, the other year we have him from lunchtime so we have the big meal together.
He has been able to chose what he does for about 12 years as he is now 28 but will not change the tradition. We have been doing the same with his fiancé in tow for the last couple of years.
It has always worked for us and his half siblings in both houses always wait for him for present opening when he is at the other house.
Hasn't lived with either of us for years!!!!

Tofffeee 😂 maybe you should read the full thread next time? Unbelievable how aibu seems to be a holding pen for spiteful women who just want to direct venom at other people 🙄.

It's actually women's like YOU who give others a bad name. What a nasty response.

@onetimeposter no one has said the OP is awful for wanting to spend every Christmas with her DS. Of course she does. Who wouldn't?

People have said it would be unreasonable to enforce it. Not because Dad deserves it but because her son deserves it, to have a Christmas with his father if thats what he wants.

And for the record not every single father is a dead beat who doesn't see their children or do their share of the parenting just because they have a new partner. Some are perfectly capable of moving on (not always with an OW - SHOCK) and still treating their children with the same love and equality that they always have. I'm sorry if that's not the experience you've had.

Sorry you've got some shitty responses on here OP. I don't think you're selfish. I think you're a mother who wants to see their child on Christmas morning every year and that's perfectly acceptable, reasonable and understandable. But I think you understand now that it wouldn't be ok to force that on your son or ExP which is admirable, that you've managed to think about the decent responses you've had here and consider them even if it's not particularly what you want to hear.

All the best x

Thank you mangoo 😊

Thank you onetimeposter, for understanding

your son sees he's dad regularly and is used to spending Christmas with him. it's only fair.

If he saw him once ir twice a month or less id say different.

I knownkts tough but you will find something that works for you.
for example on.the Christmas he's with his dad you could save some of dd presents ( One or two) and have a second Christmas with ds on boxing day. it can be as fun as you make it.

I can see onetimeposter's pov here. Having thought about it, we alternate Christmas but has ds' dad done loads of summer holiday cover days? Has he fck. He has done 2. I have done the rest because I changed my hours when he was born to wfh a few days a week and he has sailed on unaffected.

It is a bit galling.

I agree - as the resident parent you have to do so much. When they leave home you realise just how much you had to do every single day and you feel as free as a bird, and then realise the ex felt like that every day for all of those years.

If you're doing all the hard work the least you deserve is Christmas dinner with your kids.

onetimeposter - how about a situation where a father leaves the “family home” for another woman and his children beg to go with him? Should the DC be forced to stay in the “family home”?

my DSC alternates, but one year she will stay with us on xmas eve and open her presents in our house but go back to her mums about lunch time for xmas dinner, then the next year she will stay with her mum on xmas eve and come to us for xmas dinner.

if what your doing is working just now then dont change it!!

It's massively selfish on your part sorry. My parents divorced when I was two and we spent every single weekends and holidays with my dad. I'd of been gutted if my mum had done this. I never ever had any issues and neither did my brothers with waking up at one parents to presents and breakfast and then leaving to go to the others about 12/1.

It sounds like you are making these decisions for yourself not your son or his father so yabu.

One time I agree with you actually

But from a child centric aspect , if they want xmas with their Dad surely they should have it?

It’s hard though

I agree with your sentiments - but taking the child view here

User-yes
Stop-it wouldnt be an option, so they wouldnt consider it for long. They would know its dads on boxing day, just as they know they go to dad every second friday or whatever.

To be honest no i wouldnt force them to stay at home as i love them but if my ex actively encouraged them to go to theirs then thats fucking poor form and id be furious. Imo young kids base their feelings on the adults around them. They shouldnt be made to feel like daddys new life is what they have to get used to. 'Daddy' should put his kid first and work round mummy. He can play happy second family once he has done so. Same for resident mums expecting their kids to accept their dp moving in. Focus on your existing kid before having more.

We alternate and I volunteer to work on the Christmas’ that they are with their father. I have no other children though.
I would love to have them every Christmas but it’s not about me.

Volunteering is a good idea.
But the point I'm trying to make is women are NEVER allowed, in any aspect of life, to make anything 'all about them'.
Men come first for everything, even when their entitlement is the least. Women are conditioned into ensuring men's needs are met by guilt tripping them about their children, guilt tripping them about the poor menz needs, guilt tripping them for working, guilt tripping them about staying home.
Men just get to swan in with their 'rights' to see their kid, whether they pay for them or not, whether they see them regularly or not, whether they went on and had another 10 or not, doesn't matter. Being a man is a free reign to demand whatever you want and fuck the resident mother of your child, who has enabled you to continue earning and benefitting your subsequent family, while she has put hers on hold to raise your kid.
It's fucking shit.

Merry Christmas

My ex and myself have alternated for 10 years now (dd is 11)

Whoever has her Christmas eve/day morning then brings her to the others house on Christmas day at 12ish. Works really well for us, and she loves seeing all of us incl gps on both sides. Very busy, yes but worth it for her.
We are amicable, I realise not all people are in that position.
Would I love her every year for Christmas morning? Absolutely, but she adores her df and bringing gifts to us from their house and vice versa.
It gets easier as they get older imo.
My mantra- If she's happy, then it's working

There is no such thing as having 2 homes, or shouldn't be

Yes there is, to suggest anything else is nonsense.

My daughter has two loving homes. One with me, one with her dad and step-mum.

We split all xmases equally. Why should she miss out on time with her dad because I selfishly want her to myself in Xmas Day. That isn’t in her best interests.

OP I’m so glad you’re going to come to a reasonable arrangement.