Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have my son every Christmas Day?

184 replies

opalescent · 04/09/2018 13:32

Genuinely torn about this.
I have a 5 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. My son is from a previous relationship, and sees his dad consistently every other weekend, more in the holidays.

They have a lovely relationship, and my son adores going to see his dad.

For the first couple of Christmases, we split the actual day- so my son was with me until mid afternoon, and then went off to his dads.
I decided last year to stop that, as I felt it made the day too bitty, and my son also received two full Christmas present hauls in one day, which was just too overwhelming for him.

I strongly feel that it is better for him to spend the whole of Christmas Day in one place- but I don't want it be anywhere other than with me 😨. I hate the thought of splitting him up from his little sister, and flat out can't imagine Christmas Eve or morning without him.

As the main care giver- wibu to say that he is with me every Christmas Day (for the foreseeable), and goes to his dad on Boxing Day?

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 04/09/2018 17:04

@onetimeposter not everyone's marriage ends because of an affair. Mine didn't.

ShalomJackie · 04/09/2018 17:04

Alternate Christmases is the fairest way. Why are your feelings more important than his father's?

InfiniteVariety · 04/09/2018 17:16

My parents were divorced when I was 8 and I think they must have subscribed to onetimeposter's school of thought because we spent every Christmas Day with my mother, who was on her own and Christmas Eve with my Dad & his new wife. I think my Dad felt massively guilty that if we were with him she'd be entirely on her own on Christmas Day. I also think he & his 2nd wife harboured ludicrous fantasises that after a few years she'd "get over it " enough for us all to have Christmas together, which I could see was never going to happen....

onetimeposter · 04/09/2018 17:22

IV I think that shows some respect on your fathers part towards your mother which is quite admiral. Good for him. Its not like he didnt get to see you over Christmas.

AliceRR · 04/09/2018 17:23

YANBU to want to have your son every Christmas but YABU if you think you should have it or take steps to do so

My DH has children and has had them most Christmases but that’s because their mother always works. She claims she doesn’t have a choice but I don’t buy it that. I think she’s rather be paid double time or whatever (she is a MW)

If your ex wants the kids on Christmas then alternate if you don’t want to break up the day. And the years he has them on Christmas Day you can do something special on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day

PrincessAvaR · 04/09/2018 17:25

YABU to say this to your ex but YANBU to want it.

My DP & I both have DC from our previous marriages and we have a 6 month old DD between us. My ExH and I take it in turns each Christmas, I will have them Christmas Eve and Christmas Day one year and he has them the next. I'd love to have them with me every year but that wouldn't be fair to their DF!

My DP's ExW is not so reasonable, she will only allow us to have my DSC Christmas night (from about 7pm) and Boxing Day and has categorically said they will never spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with us.

We'd love for all our DC to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together this year as it's our baby's first Christmas but unfortunately due to DP's ex this will not be possible so our DD will never get to spend the day with her brother and sister which I think is really sad.

MrsStrowman · 04/09/2018 17:28

Bit different as me and DB are adults , last year everyone came to us DB, SIL, DPs, PILs but previously we've alternated of we didn't Christmas Day with my parents or DHs, DB and I coordinate and he and SIL do the same. On years where we've been at PILs for Christmas Day, my parents either go to friends, go out for lunch or have a quieter Christmas Day and then do Christmas Day on boxing Day. PIL have started to do the same, so until last year we essentially had two Christmas days, when it's your turn to have boxing Day could you not just run it as you would Christmas Day?

onetimeposter · 04/09/2018 17:36

Princess that would be how I'd feel though, if they were mine. Like, why should you get the best bits with my kids just because you decided to have a baby with their dad? They were there first.
Not in a nasty way-it is lovely you want them close.

FoofFighter · 04/09/2018 17:37

Panda raises a good point actually. My child's father has her for 4 nights a month. I have her the rest of course, I do the day to day dull stuff, do the "admin" do the GP appointments etc - the drudgery as Panda calls it, and yet I have to equally split the "fun stuff" like Christmas and summer hols and birthday.

Doesn't seem fair somehow - and yes probably get slated for thinking this.

We do alternate xmasses as I wasn't happy for dd to, as OP says, have a bitty broken up xmas day, here open your gifts, oh no you have to go now kind of scenario. Also made it more difficult for family members too, as it meant splitting their day too.
So while I am sure it's fab for dd, yes it's very hard being the primary carer left on your own every other year. And no it doesn't get any easier.

OP YANBU to want to do it, but yes probably BU to actually go through with it.

theunsure · 04/09/2018 17:46

As a child of divorced parents that had a good amicable break up and a great relationship with their dad I’d say that alternating was great.

We had 2 Xmas Days every year. 2 lots if dinner, 2 lots of gifts. It was entirely normal for us.

Meant gently but YABU to not allow this given that your ex is a “proper Dad” to your son and there is not any risk. I imagine this will be tough to start with though! My mum was often on her own completely when we were at Dads 😢 but she never let on any sadness.

ADishBestEatenCold · 04/09/2018 19:55

"I am going to have a constructive chat with ex about looking for a plan that makes everyone feel considered and heard (with particular emphasis on my son). I am feeling much better about either alternating or splitting days, and it's been lovely to hear that many people do this yearly without feeling too sad about it."

How lovely to read a thread (with this sort of subject matter) upon which the OP reaches these ^ sort of conclusions!

Unlike a very similar thread recently where the OP concluded she was having her child every Christmas Day (and would manipulate her child to that end), regardless of what the child's fully co-parenting father thought or proposed.

pinkunicorn20 · 04/09/2018 20:43

Somewhat controversially I agree with OP, this is the one thing exh and I agree on. Dcs spend Xmas day with me and dh, our families and go to him Boxing Day, staying a day or 2. Kids are happy, they get 2 Xmas days.

I have received plenty of hate, been called selfish etc (note not by exh) for this but it's arrangement that suits and if both parties agree can work well.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 04/09/2018 21:18

OP, I've had two (full) Christmas Days without my DC now, and in my experience, it's Christmas Eve that's the hardest day to be without them, which sounds ridiculous I know, but it is. Being alone that day pretty much destroys me. ExP & I alternate every year, with the kids coming back to me on the 27th if they're away & then we 'redo' Christmas our way - so 27th is Christmas Eve, 28th is Christmas Day, etc., same in reverse with ex. The kids love it of course, although if I could chose, I'd have them with me every year.

Really glad you're thinking about better ways of sharing Christmas with your ex - it's hard not to feel you're missing out in some way if your DC aren't with you, but there are other ways of doing it - and it sounds like your ex is fairly reasonable Smile

Heatiskillingme · 04/09/2018 21:32

My children see their dad all day Christmas Eve, and then come home Christmas Eve evening. We go to my mums for Christmas so travel there Christmas Eve once they're home. If my mum lived more locally I might be more tempted to split Christmas Day up but this works well for us at the moment!

Ethylred · 04/09/2018 21:38

Yabu and you know it.

User467 · 04/09/2018 21:39

I think the best way to decide is to stop thinking about what's fairest for the parents and think about what's fairest for the child. It's Christmas, Christmas should be about the kids. Would ds prefer to stay in his own house with his sibling? Would he be just as happy going to dads house? Would he actually feel he was missing out on the Christmassy-ness of one of the houses by going else where. If you're in good terms with your ex could you actually do a joint xmas? I don't think a child should have to go somewhere he doesn't want, or not go somewhere he does want to on xmas day.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 21:44

@opalescent

Does your DS have any siblings on his dad's side?

I ask because being around other children and the enjoyment is a big part of Christmas for kids.

Does your Ex take him to see other family members?

My DB is divorced with 2 kids from the marriage. His DC prefer Christmas with our side of the family because they get to see their cousins and have lots of fun.

Ex SIL had them one Christmas after the split and they didn't enjoy It, so she's happily agreed all Christmas days are with DB and she has NYD.

I had a colleague who said every Christmas would be with her...as she did the hard graft all year round and her Ex paid a pittance in CM.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 21:48

Typo...Should be with 3 kids...but doesn't make a difference in this case.

The kids prefer to be with their cousins and their mum puts them first.

NorthernSpirit · 04/09/2018 21:51

@onetimeposter - I hope you aren’t a parent as you need some help to deal with your issues. Completely selfish. Doesn’t matter who left who. Children have 2 equal parents. One isn’t more important than the other.

OP - if this went to court you’d likely get alternative Christmas & NYE. It’s not about your feelings, it’s about what’s best for children.

Brambleboo · 04/09/2018 21:54

Your proposed arrangements aren't fair to your son or his dad. How would you feel if you ex was demanding the same thing? You already know YABU to expect it.

Maybe as your son is getting a little older, he wouldn't find 2 lots of gifts etc on the day itself so overwhelming.

Clevs · 04/09/2018 21:58

My husband has a 13 year old from a previous relationship. They split up around the time he was born. The only time he's had his son on Christmas Day was last year...when the lad stopped believing in Santa. It's broken his heart that he's never experienced getting up with him on Christmas morning and sharing the excitement that Santa has been.

I'm so glad that we've had a baby together and from this Christmas onwards he can enjoy what he's missed out on due to his selfish ex.

We have the lad every weekend and even when Christmas has fallen on a weekend she's still not allowed him to come.

Tofffeee · 04/09/2018 21:58

Not RTFT, but women like you give us a bad name. Selfish. Unreasonable. Unfair.

AnneElliott · 04/09/2018 22:13

You've had some harsh responses op (as has onetime) but I think if your ex is a proper dad then you should alternate/split the day.

I'm biased though as my friends who are single parents have shitty exes who make their life difficult and don't put their kids first. I do often wonder how they are able to sweep in and claim half of the 'best bits' as it's their rights. The answer seems to be their new gf (and OW) support them in their behaviour.

onetimeposter · 04/09/2018 22:36

I hope you aren’t a parent as you need some help to deal with your issues. Completely selfish. Doesn’t matter who left who. Children have 2 equal parents. One isn’t more important than the other
Actually of the two I'm the only one putting a roof over their head, feeding them and getting them educated. So no we aren't equal. They'd not survive if it were left to him.
I do often wonder how they are able to sweep in and claim half of the 'best bits' as it's their rights. The answer seems to be their new gf (and OW) support them in their behaviour

Exactly this. As has been showed at times on this thread. Women leaping to support their partners who see their kids at weekends, but live with them and their kids, and usually 'one they have between them', moaning the ex is unfair and won't let them have it their way and be able to get the best bits. If anyone is to be aghast or disgusted it shouldn't be the new woman. It should be the men themselves, and they should be having joint access and share parenting across the board, rough bits and smooth bits, putting their original and first family just that-FIRST. Only then is it equal, and a new wife or girlfriend has NOTHING to do with that. Don't care how much you love them, how many kids you decide to have with a man who already has kids, those kids from the first relationship were there first, that mum and dad either share properly, and if not, whomever does the bare minimum should not get the Disney bits. And the Disney bits, when they happen, should be irrespective of the relationship choices existing parents have made.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/09/2018 22:38

Sorry but No ! His dad loves him too

I think you have to get over this and not make it too much of a heart breaking event

Better he has a loving dad right ?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread