To want to have my son every Christmas Day?

[opalescent]

Genuinely torn about this.
I have a 5 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. My son is from a previous relationship, and sees his dad consistently every other weekend, more in the holidays.

They have a lovely relationship, and my son adores going to see his dad.

For the first couple of Christmases, we split the actual day- so my son was with me until mid afternoon, and then went off to his dads.
I decided last year to stop that, as I felt it made the day too bitty, and my son also received two full Christmas present hauls in one day, which was just too overwhelming for him.

I strongly feel that it is better for him to spend the whole of Christmas Day in one place- but I don't want it be anywhere other than with me 😨. I hate the thought of splitting him up from his little sister, and flat out can't imagine Christmas Eve or morning without him.

As the main care giver- wibu to say that he is with me every Christmas Day (for the foreseeable), and goes to his dad on Boxing Day?

my SIL was in a similar position, not quite identical , more kids, but as they all still got on really well, nobody wanted to miss xmas and the youngest was very little when he left, they sat down and said how can we solve this, when little ones were little and santa was coming at very early hours of the night her x came over xmas eve ( often did a carol service or something as a blended family, he even babysat one year)- then he stayed over, next morning they did the whole Santa together had a lovely family breakfast with extra hands to assemble toys etc, then he went off to his mothers for rest of day, worked really well till he got a girlfriend who objected but by then the youngest was at least 9/10 , might not work for your circumstances but maybe there are other solutions

The fairest way is alternate years. At least that's how I did it with my ex. Worked very well

@onetimeposter I am aghast at your attitude. I left my emotionally abusive ExH and took the kids to live with my parents. Does that mean I shouldn't get to see them at Christmas?

onetimeposter - you have a highly idiosyncratic vision of divorce. What about a person fleeing a violent relationship? Do they also leave their children “in their home” so as not to uproot them?

We alternate xmas day with stepson. Well , we have up until last year when DH suggested ex can have him every xmas morning as we prefer him to be with us for the rest of the day then (usually pick up around 12/1pm)
Otherwise the xmas we have him in the morning always feels really rushed and then he misses all our family time for dinner and xmas night is a big thing with us.

Who left who?
If the dad left to start a new life then he left his child and therefore that child should spend every Christmas at home, ie with you

That's terrible thinking. It should be the best interest of the child that is taken in to account and access or lack of to a child should never be used to 'punish' a parent for leaving a relationship.

OP do what is best for your child, and consider what you will say if they ask why they aren't seeing dad this Christmas, last Christmas, next Christmas.

FWIW, my mums partner was never allowed to see his daughter on Christmas day. She grew up thinking her dad didn't want to see her at Christmas, when she found out the truth she started voting with her feet and it has soured her relationship with her mum.

If you have a good relationship with your ex ...don't spoil it by being selfish. How would you feel if he decided he wanted your son every Christmas - you would hate it. Well that's how he would feel if you sprung this idea on him. Don't ruin a good relationship by making it all about you and what you want.

Oh OP, I hear you. The toughest thing about not being with my son's father is that I've had to have 'big' days without my eldest child and it can be horribly painful. Even now my son is nearly 17, and I don't feel right unless he's at home and all of my chicks are in the nest.

If it helps, we used to split the day in two, alternating Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning for one parent, then he'd go to the other parent for Christmas Day afternoon and Boxing Day. Over time this has changed as we have other, younger DC and my son's preference was to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with us as it was more magical, then go to his dad.

Everything has been about what works for my son, but that doesn't. mean it works for you, and that's the tough bit. I hate having to share him, even now, but I accept it comes with the territory. Like you, my ex is a good guy and we get on really well, which helps.

Interestingly last year my son chose to spend all day with us, then go to his dad on Boxing Day. This year he said he'd rather go back to how it was before so it clearly works for him.

Grin and bear it, your son will thank you, but you already know that. Spend the morning focussing on both of your babies then when your eldest goes to his dad, you can focus on your littlest, pop her to bed and drink champagne with your husband. Focus on the positives, there are lots. But in the meantime

Yes you’re being unreasonable. As hard as it is, you need to split Christmas Day or alternate

I split every Christmas Day with ex. from our split until DD was 16 (10 years). One year DD was with him for a couple of days before & would come to me at midday on 25th. The next year she was with me until midday on 25th then went to ex for a couple of days. I hated it but just got on with it - told her how lovely to have two celebrations. DD wanted to see both of us at Christmas so we organised it that way. Sorry OP and sympathy to you but it depends on what a child wants in these situations.

Why does your son have to have 2 christmases? Can you and your ex not buy his christmas presents between you? He can open them at yours on Christmas morning, take whatever he wants to his Dads house...Dad buys him a couple of smaller presents to open at his house. There's no need to have 2 full-on present loads.

I did specify that it should be with the mother, unless in exceptional circumstances. Obviously fleeing abuse would not count as leaving the home. You are the home-they go with you.
In the case one parent has decided another partner is more important than staying in the family home-then yes the children should stay in that home.

Personally I’d go back to trying the split days and always have eve and morning. As the resident parent you will do more of the everyday stuff and the illnesses and the daily slog of parenting so I’d take the “reward” of Xmas eve and morning...but share the day then.
You may find as he is older that the gifts are not overwhelming. I think many small children find xmas overwhelming regardless of where they are etc. One year when my youngest son was 3 he took all day to open the presents he had as he enjoyed opening and playing... now at 5/6 he will tear through a pile and look for more quite happily!

Such a hard situation, I do really sympathise for you.
Particularly whilst your daughter is young, it will be viable to just move Christmas Day to Boxing Day - then you still get to do 'Christmas Eve' with both of them together, on the 25th the years your ex has his 24th-25th. It might be confusing or kill the magic for your son earlier, but at least your children will get to celebrate together. Then your son can keep up the act for your daughter's benefit as he gets older. It can still be lovely, you'll figure it out.

Always split Christmas day here. Mine Xmas eve and Xmas day till 4pm then with ex till boxing day.

Worked for all of us as we ate at 1pm and ex ate at 6pm.. luckily DC love Xmas dinners 😁

Absolutely unreasonable

OP I get why this is hard.

But - remember that memories/ special moments come from the energy and emphasis we give to situations. I am really trying with my kids to move the xmas focus away from presents and onto the things we do/ share together - ie. being with cousins/ playing games etc.

Build traditions for your 'off ' years that are really special - and also think of something that would be a real treat for you and do that on xmas day.

I get that its hard for his sister as well - but I think on the years they aren't together you could do something fun and unusual - or team up with local friends who don't have a big faimly?

I always love having a few extra people at xmas or doing something a bit different.

Thank you all for sharing your own solutions, and for some practical advice and sympathy.

After initially thinking I was going to get roasted (😨), I am feeling really positive after this thread.

I am going to have a constructive chat with ex about looking for a plan that makes everyone feel considered and heard (with particular emphasis on my son). I am feeling much better about either alternating or splitting days, and it's been lovely to hear that many people do this yearly without feeling too sad about it.

If you're not willing to split the day, you should have alternate Christmas's. It's really good for your son to have a great relationship with his dad.

Personally, I'd split the day so I could see him on Christmas morning.

Great to read your update OP. Split or alternate is definitely best for your son as he’ll get to have Xmas memories with both of you

You're not on your own OP, there's lots of us sharing our children. Focus on what you gain, not what you lose. As soon as I starting doing this, it made it much better.

We have done all sorts of Christmasses with our blended family - when ds was younger we sucked it up and all had Christmas together.

Now we swap so it is Christmas eve until Christmas day evening one parent and then Christmas day evening for a few days afterwards.

Whoever has them for Christmas morning pays for their Santa presents. Everything else goes under the tree.

If alternating xmas (one year with you, one year with dad etc) then just adopt either xmas eve or boxing day as your day. That santa is early or late lol.

You xmas and ex boxing day could work well too

When I was a child we spent christmas day at home (with my mum's mum and brother - no cousins etc on that side) and then boxing day with my dad's side of the family with his mum and his siblings and their family - lots of cousins on that side. I would say that I found boxing day just as exciting as christmas day (although we got the santa presents on christmas day there were lots of family presents on boxing day, plus it was fun with all the cousins and checking out what they had got etc).

If my parents had separated, i think Christmas day with my mum and boxing day with my dad would have worked really well and I honestly think my dad would have been happy with that too, because he knew how excited we got about boxing day.

Depending on your relationship with your ex, and what you think your son would like best, i think it would be ok to raise it with your ex as one of a number of options (particularly if boxing day is a big deal in his family) and talk through what might work.