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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have my son every Christmas Day?

184 replies

opalescent · 04/09/2018 13:32

Genuinely torn about this.
I have a 5 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. My son is from a previous relationship, and sees his dad consistently every other weekend, more in the holidays.

They have a lovely relationship, and my son adores going to see his dad.

For the first couple of Christmases, we split the actual day- so my son was with me until mid afternoon, and then went off to his dads.
I decided last year to stop that, as I felt it made the day too bitty, and my son also received two full Christmas present hauls in one day, which was just too overwhelming for him.

I strongly feel that it is better for him to spend the whole of Christmas Day in one place- but I don't want it be anywhere other than with me 😨. I hate the thought of splitting him up from his little sister, and flat out can't imagine Christmas Eve or morning without him.

As the main care giver- wibu to say that he is with me every Christmas Day (for the foreseeable), and goes to his dad on Boxing Day?

OP posts:
YolandaTheYeti · 04/09/2018 13:44

Well I don’t think it hurts to ask, but I’d try to be really open to him saying no and would give him the option to do so. He wants what’s best for your ds too, so if he thinks he’d rather be with his sister then maybe he’ll agree to have him every Christmas Eve and Boxing Day or something.

0nTheEdge · 04/09/2018 13:44

How does your ex feel about it? If you could come to an agreement where you did the same thing every year and it was consistent then that could work well for everyone, e.g. he gets Christmas eve with his Dad and Christmas morning and then comes back to you for the day. Or Christmas with you and then Boxing day with his Dad for a kind of second Christmas. If your ex wants to have him for Christmas though, I think his feelings should be considered even if it will be difficult for you.

SocialPiranha · 04/09/2018 13:44

YANBU to want your child with you for special occasions like Christmas but you’d be unreasonable to expect it. My own children prefer spending special occasions with me as I actually bother to make it nice for them and their dad doesn’t. In your shoes I’d be careful you don’t end up alienating your son into wanting to be with his dad more at say, Christmas because he usually always spends it with you. Also if you and ex get on fairly well already I wouldn’t want to rock the boat for the sake of what is basically one day that can be replicated the day after or whatever. Lots of families have multiple Christmas days after all.

anotherangel2 · 04/09/2018 13:46

Of course you are not unreasonable to feel this way. But you would be unreasonable to say anything or act upon it. I am sure your ex would like to have your son every Christmas too.

Glumglowworm · 04/09/2018 13:46

YABU

either split Christmas Day in half or alternate years

Your plan is very selfish and not in the best interests of your son

Original poster
opalescent · 04/09/2018 13:47

Witwoo, that's really sad, and very interesting to hear things from such a different perspective

OP posts:
mum11970 · 04/09/2018 13:48

Of course you are being unreasonable and you know it! Your son’s time with his father is as equally important as his time with you. You are being totally selfish. Alternate Christmas’ are the fairest way and there is no need to both provide a full Christmas present haul, half from each is completely adequate. How are you going to justify your ds getting twice as much as your dd in future years?

DigsysDiner · 04/09/2018 13:48

One of the hardest things about being a parent is the fact that nothing concerning them can ever be about you anymore 🤷‍♀️

Alternate is the right way to go, you also have another child at home. It isnt as though you'll be alone all day staring at an untouched pile of presents under the tree like some of my friends are.........id make a tradition of it. So the child at home gets half their presents one day and the other half the next or something.

troodiedoo · 04/09/2018 13:49

we did the same thing every year since we split up when dd was 10. she stayed at her dad's Christmas eve and came back about 11 Xmas day.

You could ask your ex. but with ds being only young, alternate years sound like the best solution.

Original poster
opalescent · 04/09/2018 13:50

Glumglowworm, without wanting to rise to the aibu bait- my 'plan' is not 'very selfish', there is no plan, that's why I'm asking.
And the reason that I am debating this 3 months before the issue even arises, is because I am desperate to consider the best interests of everyone involved in the situation.
If I wasn't, I would have just blithely carried on as I was, without even considering the best way to do this.

OP posts:
Stinkbomb · 04/09/2018 13:50

When DD is with her Dad for Christmas Day, we celebrate another day instead - full meal, presents etc etc - she gets 2 full on proper Christmases.
It's the only way it's fair & I don't feel like I'm missing out too much - Santa just sometimes has an early/extra trip, that's all.

DigsysDiner · 04/09/2018 13:51

I wouldnt ask the ex either. It isnt fair.to put that guilt on his shoulders.........basically your feelings arent his problem. 🤷‍♀️

Kaykay06 · 04/09/2018 13:53

It is terribly sad not having your child on Christmas Day but you learn to make up for it the rest of the festive period, if your ex had written this what would you say? He is both your child, and he’s present so you should both have him.

I’m a nurse so Work alternate Christmas, so my boys go between us or we do the day together, it’s hard not being with your kids at Christmas but you’ll find ways to make it work

Sandstormbrewing · 04/09/2018 13:53

YANBU to want that but YABU for trying to enforce it. Its not all about you. You stopped the original arrangement because you thought it was too bitty, what did your DS want?

This ^

crimsonlake · 04/09/2018 13:53

' I stopped that ' seems like a sure fire way to cause problems in an otherwise amicable arrangement. You cannot unilaterally change things, it needs to be discussed and mutually agreed, but you already know that. Yes it is not nice not having your children with you all day and right over Christmas, but very sadly nothing will ever be the same following breakups.

howmanyusernames · 04/09/2018 13:54

When my parents divorced (I was 7, am now 43) we had Christmas Day at my Mum's and Boxing Day at Dad's. We loved it as it was another Christmas Day! Double presents and double Christmas dinner!

kaytee87 · 04/09/2018 13:55

Op I sympathise as I'd hate to have to give up time with my child so often, especially on special occasions.
I think you're doing the right thing reconsidering. Maybe you could do something special like pantomime on Boxing Day?

TwoOddSocks · 04/09/2018 13:56

Of course it's unreasonable. When a family splits there have to be compromises. Your ex might have another child at some point and want the siblings to be together for christmas too. I would try to forge your own traditions which include time spent at his dad's.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 04/09/2018 13:58

I really wouldn't rock the boat of a good amicable year round co-parenting relationship with this to be honest. If you find the thought of not seeing him too hard then I guess the splitting the day is the best option. I can't see why that's so bad, unless it involves a big journey. The present part is totally manageable by agreeing to buy less or spreading it out.

unicornchaser · 04/09/2018 13:58

I have a step son (9) from DH. We alternate and split. So one year we get him Christmas Eve up till lunch time Christmas Day. Following year it's Christmas pm and Boxing Day. This has been the case since he was 4 and works for all of us.

What makes it harder is that there is DH's family and his ex's family who want to see him but also my family love him and do a huge deal of Christmas for my sisters children so want to include all grandchildren including stepson.

It's hard with a split family but if he has a close bond with his dad then it's important that he gets to share the excitement too, especially when your son is so young and still so caught in the magic of Christmas.

I think that in our case the current arrangements will remain until SS is 11/12 then we will let him guide us on how he wants to spend the day/days.

Original poster
opalescent · 04/09/2018 14:01

Unicorn chaser that sounds like a lovely arrangement, and something I could propose to my ex.
I stopped the split days with full agreement from his dad, because I felt the Day was too busy for my son, and he found it difficult to settle and relax, knowing that he was going to spend the rest of the day elsewhere. Perhaps that was too hasty.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 04/09/2018 14:02

YANBU but surely you need to discuss it with the other people involved , and come to a decision that everyone is happy with.

Your Ex and DS may be perfectly happy to go along with your arrangement, but if they prefer the alternate years scenario then I think you would need to compromise.

The most important thing is for it to be a definite and consistent arrangement, so everyone knows where they are.

toothtruth · 04/09/2018 14:03

I can see why you feel this way it must be really hard...but YABU. He loves his dad and will have good Christmases with his dad too. I think alternating it is the way forward. You will still have other days with your son... perhaps you could do something special each year on boxing day when you dont have him on Christmas? Just so there is a tradition he associates with you. I think it is only fair to alternate Christmas if your son loves his dad and his dad is a decent dad.

YolandaTheYeti · 04/09/2018 14:05

Could you split and alternate, but make it so that one year you have ds from Christmas Eve till late afternoon, then with his dad overnight and Boxing Day? Switch over the following year. I think switching at lunchtime makes it seem a bit busier.

Maybe you could do ‘family’ presents on Christmas Eve and then just one present from the fat man (not your ex Grin) the next morning, so it isn’t too ott with presents?

Herewegoagain01 · 04/09/2018 14:07

Yanbu to want it, but ywbu to do it. It’s very unfair on your son and ex. My son from previous relationship alternates every year, but will also go to the other parents house at 5pm so still has an evening there. Maybe something similar, rather than half days?

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