To want to have my son every Christmas Day?

[opalescent]

Genuinely torn about this.
I have a 5 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. My son is from a previous relationship, and sees his dad consistently every other weekend, more in the holidays.

They have a lovely relationship, and my son adores going to see his dad.

For the first couple of Christmases, we split the actual day- so my son was with me until mid afternoon, and then went off to his dads.
I decided last year to stop that, as I felt it made the day too bitty, and my son also received two full Christmas present hauls in one day, which was just too overwhelming for him.

I strongly feel that it is better for him to spend the whole of Christmas Day in one place- but I don't want it be anywhere other than with me 😨. I hate the thought of splitting him up from his little sister, and flat out can't imagine Christmas Eve or morning without him.

As the main care giver- wibu to say that he is with me every Christmas Day (for the foreseeable), and goes to his dad on Boxing Day?

well done op for firstly posting then sitting and listening to all opinions.that can be tough on mn!and also taking it on boardfingers crossed it put ur mind at ease a bit.giving you some rational thinking on it.of course this will be so hard for you.it would never have been ur plan when dreaming of kiddie xmas's.but this is where you are now so its about making it yours and still as fantastic just a bit different.it can still be the same kind of lovely though.it will just take some tweaking.

@onetimeposter I am divorced from my exh and I am the RP, my DS is with me most of the time. I still let him alternate Christmases with his dad. The only people you punish by acting bitter are the children.

OP YANBU to want him with you but I think you definitely need to have a chat with your ex. As I said above I am divorced and we alternate Christmas. This year is my ex husband's year to have DS so I am taking DS on a special trip to Lapland just before Christmas so we can have our own little celebration.

This is about your wants and desires rather than your sons. He is most important here. You are deciding it’s not good for him to see you both but has he ever actually said that himself?! I grew up with Christmas Day split in half and I can’t say getting two hauls of presents in one day ever felt anything other than bloody exciting!

I appreciate other posters advice about deciding in your son's best interest - I just wanted to clarify after your last post that this doesn't mean asking your 5 year old what he wants to do. He shouldn't have to make decisions like that. If I misunderstood ignore me.

I think you are right to talk to exh. For some families Christmas isn't as important as say New Year or Easter or even birthdays. I know a family where Dad's family always have a huge family party at New Years and he always wanted child there, whereas Mum always wanted Christmas.

I have my two every Christmas Eve, ex comes round Christmas morning to see them open their presents etc.
We alternate dinner so one year he takes them from late morning and keeps them til late morning Boxing Day (I do Christmas dinner at mine this day instead) The next year he still comes to see them open their presents but goes home after and has them from tea time Christmas Day to tea time Boxing Day.

I imagine soon we will start alternating Christmas Eve as he will be moving in with his partner and her kids. In this case I'll move our Christmas celebrations to a day later and still get the excitement of getting up and opening presents with them.
It's all about making your own traditions of what works for you and your family.

I would go back to splitting the day, it would be awful for siblings to not have at least some of Christmas day together, siblings matter aswell. It would be really sad for them to not see each other on the day.

If everyone gets along, could you all have part of the day as a blended family together so no one misses out? You know it is unfair to keep your DS all to yourself every Christmas Day. Your Ds is a lucky little boy, to have so much love and parents who work together to give him a loving family.

onetimeposter
Fucking hell

We split it so that Christmas goes to one, and New Year goes to the other and we alternate. It makes New Year more special as it's either a bit like another Christmas or it's child free and party time.

We do a mix of splitting the day and alternating here depending on what the other parent is doing. So if on the odd occasion my ex or I were travelling to see family then dd goes with or if both at home (as is usual) then we split.

Can you imagine your son telling you in 20 years time that his ex has told him he will never see his child on Christmas day because it would upset her too much to be apart from them?

he is the part time dad
I can't even think of the words..so RUDE. We have my DSD EOW. My husband is a dad, full stop. No part-time about it. My DH doesn't stop being a Dad on the days she isn't here. NRP bashing bingo all in one post..well done.

Perhaps im projecting. Our dad left for another woman and our mum did the 'decent thing' by encouraging us to go. Then i had to sit with someone else's family smiling whilst enduring the farce that it was knowing my mother was killing herself with grief at home. All so my dad could play the 'good guy'.
No, I didnt want his presents or to play best mates with the new 'stepfamily' (who were nothing to me-stepfamily is forced on a child by parents who insist they adore each other). I wanted to be at home.
If I'd had my way neither of us would have been made to go. We didnt even want to, but my mum felt she was being the better person by encouraging our relationship with a lying cheat. No thanks.

You sound utterly selfish, what if his father wanted him every Christmas?

I just don't know how dc cope being fairly divided for thier parents sake I really don't

It's bonkers.

Remember even recent documentary of William and Harry talking about the stress of being shunted around the UK to be with one of their parents after the the divorce.

If you live close enough I think one having one day eg Xmas and the other having boxing day is a good compromise.

What a douche you are @onetimeposter!

DH left ex after he found out about an affair SHE was having. He didn't choose to leave his son, he left his ex. He is still his sons FULL TIME dad although he has to battle with the hurt of not seeing him everyday.
No step parent chooses to be a 'new daddy or mummy' as you put it and yes, a child can and does often have two homes. Why the hell shouldn't they if their parents aren't together?!

My DPs ex has started doing this. He has his boys 3 days (and nights) a week so practically 50/50 but apparently he doesn't deserve Christmas with them because he has me and she's single so would be alone.

It ruins his Christmas every year and makes me feel horribly guilty that she uses me as the excuse.

You aren't being unreasonable to want Christmas with your son every year, but what your child wants is the most important here and I suspect your DS will want to have memories of Christmas with his father too.

Also, to assume every separated family is due to 'setting up home with another partner' is such utter bullsh*t

Go an educate yourself before trying to slander people's family set ups @onetimeposter

@onetimeposter I'm not the OW or the 'new partner' he left to set up with by the way...

I would do the switch immediately after breakfast. Whoever has Christmas Eve does gifts and a big meal then, then to bed and get up and have a quick breakfast and off. This way that parent gets to celebrate and do presents but your son doesn't spend the whole day waiting to go to the other house and doesn't get two big meals and presents in the same day.... however, both get to wish him Happy Christmas on that day.

We had Christmas Day every year with my mum and every Boxing Day with my dad, not sure if my dad was happy with that but he did have an affair ending the marriage so I guess he took what he was offered. However, whatever you do, as a kid it's good to know what the plan is. As I got older, I knew what I was doing, fitting in seeing friends/boyfriends was easier around a definite plan and it felt very secure.

Ultimately now I'm married and live away from my family and DH's, we have Christmas Day about 4 times through Nov/Dec, with Santa visits (!), in fact mum and dad now alternate paying for Christmas dinner out for the combined families (mum and her new partner, dad and his, me and my family, bro and his, plus bro's friend who always joins us, and our aunt). It's odd to have a Christmas with both mum and dad together, but nice that they can do that for the benefit of us (instead of dragging kids to two dinners over the course of a weekend).

What I'm saying is, try to keep things amicable and be prepared maybe to try something different in the future if you are on good terms with your ex. It is truly amazing that first Christmas when my mum invited my dad and his side of the family to our Christmas dinner.

AS he is getting older splitting the day isn't such a bad idea, honestly.

One of my grandchildren goes to his dad in the afternoon on Christmas Day each year. So always has Christmas dinner there but is here in the morning, opens his stocking from Santa, has the entire family here so my DD gets a good deal...................the boys is 12 this year and this has been going on for over 10 years.

Its lovely. As you DS has such a nice relationship and sees his dad so often anyway I think splittingis your best option. The only other fair way is having him alternate years.............which will also be lovely for your DS too.

Imagine you are the NRP who has been told you will never see your child on Christmas Day again. Think about how that would that make you feel and act accordingly.

I think YABU what if the your DH said he wanted him every Christmas for the foreseeable future. I have 4DSD and a DS and DD of my own. Christmas were always split. So one year wake up with us and the next with their other parent. So important. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

I don't think it is unreasonable to want it but it would be unreasonable to expect it or feel entitled to it.

Have you talked to his dad?

FWIW my 18 year old has spent every Christmas with me (and 15 of those with my dh and siblings). He goes to his dad just after Christmas - sometimes Boxing Day, sometimes later depending on what works for his dad. That has worked for us. There are a combination of factors - from geography, logistics, his Christmas norms, him not having other kids, ds's attachment to his siblings and his sense of Christmas ... But that's just us, and there's no blueprint.

If your ds's dad isn't ok with the idea then I'd stick to splitting the day if logistics/geography allow for it. It may be over-whelming but isn't Christmas always overwhelming? When your child is a little older he should be able to offer his own views on what he'd like to do and why.

feelings are totally understandable but not fair on his dad if you enforce this. Basically you are telling his dad he will never see his sons face opening presents christmas morning and spending christmas day with him how would you feel if someone did that to you .