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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of struggling?

193 replies

BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 17:08

I’m a single mum with 2 children. Divorced 8 years ago.
Ex has never paid a penny in child maintenance and refuses to. He won’t but school uniform or clothes and if he does buy them anything they are strictly kept at his house.

He has the children 3 nights every other week as per the contact order.

I work full time and the children are in childcare before and after school so I can work.

I just about pay the bills and cover a food budget which is minimal. I don’t drink or go out.

Yet at times like now when the kids need uniform, I have to miss a bill to be able to stretch to it.

He gets to take them on holiday and to fun days out. Whilst I’m boring old mum paying the bills, doing the washing and cleaning, working forcing the kids to childcare.

Not sure what I’m asking, I just feel that after struggling for 8 years I’d hoped to be in a better position by now.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Bubblemagic11 · 03/09/2018 17:13

Bless you, you’re doing the best you can. It might seem your kids don’t realise that yet but when they’re older they’ll know who was their for them 24/7 year in year out. Take care of yourself Flowers

Believeitornot · 03/09/2018 17:15

If he won’t pay maintenance can you get help from the CSA?

I wouldn’t have contact if he didn’t pay to be honest.

IAmAllAstonishment · 03/09/2018 17:18

Hmm I’m pretty sure he can’t just refuse to pay pay child support. Are there not channels you can follow to enforce payments?

Duchessgummybuns · 03/09/2018 17:27

Unfortunately you can’t reduce contact for refusal to pay child support, especially not with a contact order in place. I’d be getting on to CSA if I were you though, is there a reason you haven’t before?

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 17:29

I can go through the CSA route, but how can they force him to pay? I’m not sure how it works in terms of finding out where he works and how much he earns etc?

I would never stop him seeing his children it’s just really hard at the moment that I’m struggling just to cover the bills and he is seen as a Disney dad who gets to do all the fun things.

He also has an equal say in the school they attend etc which means I pay out a ton of money in travel costs and childcare because he will not give permission for me the change schools.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 17:30

I’d just like to add there ha a background of emotional abuse which is why I have never tried any official route before.

Threats and manipulation have unfortunately had a very big effect on me whenever I have tried to put my foot down with anything.

I’m much stronger now than I ever have been so maybe I need to just do it and go to CSA.

Is it an easy thing to do?

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 03/09/2018 17:37

Give them a ring and they’ll help you through it, it won’t be a fast process but you should get back pay for all the years you’ve received nothing. I think they do it through his tax code? My partner pays through CSA it’s taken from his wages before he receives them into his bank account.

Quartz2208 · 03/09/2018 17:43

Yes do it officially you are still letting him control you

The CSA take it directly from his wage packet

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/09/2018 18:01

Unfortunately CSA do not backdate. They go from the date the claim is made.

It's their job to find out his salary, job etc. If he refuses to pay, they take it directly from his employee and charge him an admin fee.

Be prepared for him to kick off and try to manipulate you via kids. But keep strong. The fucker has had it his way for 8 years!

MrsChollySawcutt · 03/09/2018 18:12

Definitely go to the CSA. He's having his cake and eating it while you struggle. Sod that.

Is he working for an employer or self-employed? It's easy if he is employed as your maintenance can be garnered directly from his salary via his employ if he doesn't pay you. It's harder if he is self employed and does cash in hand work but still - he obviously keeps records for tax purposes, right?

lowtide · 03/09/2018 18:16

If he pays tax then they can trace him easily.
Why do you think it’s ok for him to get away with not paying? Genuine question?

AnoukSpirit · 03/09/2018 18:18

I’d just like to add there ha a background of emotional abuse

It was already blindingly obvious that he's abusing you by the end of your second post. All this shit is further abuse.

Did you ever do the Freedom Programme after the relationship ended? I think it would help you see the situation more clearly and feel stronger in how you deal with it, so you can have confidence in your own judgement. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Abuse is about power and control - he is using the schools and maintenance as a way to control you and make your life difficult.

Get CSA involved and take away his power. Do the FP and give yourself back some power.

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 18:20

I don’t think is okay for him to not pay. I just have up fighting for it amongst fighting everything else.

He works full time for an actual company. And also works cash in hand odd evenings.

He probably commits benefit fraud too so not sure what is or isn’t declared. But should be traceable through tax etc.

It seems you have to pay £20 to apply to CSA. So I will have to wait until I have £20 to be able to apply.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 18:22

Just to add I’ve been back and forth through court over the last 8 years. The emotional abuse has not been taken seriously by any professionals involved.

It extends to the children but again no one involved seems to be seeing it. I seem to be fighting a battle I will never win to try and do what is best for my children. I won’t lie though it effects me mentally and physically on a daily basis. But I still keep going and doing the best I can for my children.

OP posts:
lowtide · 03/09/2018 18:33

£20 for csa. They do it all. It will be worth it. This battle is worth fighting if you don’t even have £20 now!?
The best thing you can do for your children is be able to support them.
He could be a cunt and start working cash in hand, but he can’t do that forever.

cushioncovers · 03/09/2018 18:38

Will he have to pay anything seeing he has them for half the week? But yes definitely get in touch with the child maintenance service and see what they say. Good luck.

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 18:43

He doesn’t have them half the week. He has them 3 nights out of 14.

If he had them half of every week I wouldn’t be that bothered about him paying for his children. As he would have his own costs for feeding and clothing them etc.

I will try hard to get that £20 and will get applying.

OP posts:
lowtide · 03/09/2018 18:43

@cushioncovers
He has them 3 days every other week

Logits · 03/09/2018 18:43

Will he have to pay anything seeing he has them for half the week?

He has them three nights every other week. 6 nights per month.

Beautifulblue · 03/09/2018 18:44

Feel for you OP. Tell your ex dick head husband that you're struggling, example missing bills to pay for school uniform, tell him he needs to contribute financially to his children because he is LEGALLY OBLIGATED too & if he wasn't such a bum he would know that. Say if he doesn't want to be an adult & work out a reasonable sum between the 2 of you then you'll have no choice but to go through CSA & they'll begin delving into all his financial records & they will back date it (maybe they won't but it might scare him into pulling his finger out his arse!) he doesn't have a leg to stand on & I can't believe he 'refuses' what a total arse. But yes as mentioned above children don't understand now but when they're older they will & they'll resent their dad for being a total tight arse - not you because you couldn't take them on fun days out! Best of luck!

lowtide · 03/09/2018 18:47

They don’t back date.
How could they.
And I wouldn’t involve him in this conversation, he’ll promise you something and then it will never appear and then another 6 months will have gone by and he will have controlled and eroded your sense of self even more.
Just grey rock it all the way and get the fucking money your children deserve

AlphaBravo · 03/09/2018 18:50

They don't back date but he will still be paying owed maintenance a long time after they turn 18.

sparklepops123 · 03/09/2018 18:51

Contact csa , my ex told me I wouldn’t get anything off him- I was looking for £50 for 2 ! He was a Disney dad. I ended up £300 a month better off. Oh how I’d of loved to see his face.

sparklepops123 · 03/09/2018 18:51

Also they take straight from his wages so he has no choice

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 18:53

I did ask him to start paying maintenance. His response was that he provides for his children and he suggested that I spend the child benefit on the children and not myself.

I’m not sure how far he thinks £34.50 per week stretches. I don’t drink. So it’s not like I go out drinking. I don’t smoke. I often skip meals when I’m struggling because I prioritise my children and ensure they are fed and clothed and all the bills are paid before anything else.

OP posts: