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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of struggling?

193 replies

BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 17:08

I’m a single mum with 2 children. Divorced 8 years ago.
Ex has never paid a penny in child maintenance and refuses to. He won’t but school uniform or clothes and if he does buy them anything they are strictly kept at his house.

He has the children 3 nights every other week as per the contact order.

I work full time and the children are in childcare before and after school so I can work.

I just about pay the bills and cover a food budget which is minimal. I don’t drink or go out.

Yet at times like now when the kids need uniform, I have to miss a bill to be able to stretch to it.

He gets to take them on holiday and to fun days out. Whilst I’m boring old mum paying the bills, doing the washing and cleaning, working forcing the kids to childcare.

Not sure what I’m asking, I just feel that after struggling for 8 years I’d hoped to be in a better position by now.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
GogoGobo · 06/09/2018 20:19

That’s a big step you’ve taken OP and you should feel really proud you’ve done that. Your ex sounds disgusting, doing the fun money stuff and leaving you to toil to keep the basics happening. What a c#%t he is. Good luck, hope the CSA get a result for you!

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 06/09/2018 20:39

Thank you so much for your support. I’m expecting a sh*t storm once he is contacted. I will probably get a barrage of abuse and he will tell the children I’m trying to steal his money.

But anything they can get from him will help. It’s so hard struggling like this every month.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/09/2018 20:46

Then you have to tell your children the truth. It's disgraceful that you are struggling and he is having a life of luxury.

Talk to your children about other families in your position. "John's dad gives his mum money" etc so they see that's the norm.

TomHardysNextWife · 06/09/2018 20:47

One day when your DC are old enough they will understand.

They will be immensely proud of how you've managed Flowers.

sparklepops123 · 06/09/2018 20:54

Yh you will probably get that response, tough luck, this is the government deciding what's fair. It's independent, he should of done more before

lowtide · 06/09/2018 21:54

Just grey rock all the way. He can do what he wants, have a meltdown call you names. None of that matters.
Look up Grey rock and do it

stepmummamumma · 06/09/2018 22:10

Ignore whatever he says...he needs to support his children!! Well done for going through with this, I hope the backlash is minimal for you OP. Onwards and upwards!!

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 07/09/2018 06:01

I’m not a huge believer of horoscopes, but how fitting is this one published today.

“You may feel a sense of relief, even if you do have a lot to contend with, and this could be because you’ve decided to follow your heart in one area of life. It may not seem a big deal to others but to you it can be, as this might lead to greater freedom.”

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 07/09/2018 06:26

See! It's written in the stars!!

Oldstyle · 07/09/2018 09:44

Brilliant! Well done Bold. Hope you are proud of yourself. Flowers

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 08/09/2018 12:29

Thank you everyone. I’m feeling much happier at the moment.
All my important bills are paid apart from water. But I plan on sorting a payment plan out with them once a more important bill is caught up on.

I have to start thinking of high school applications which is a very scary prospect. Going to have a look at the local ones and read ofsted reports etc.

Other than that I’m having a well deserved chilled weekend.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 08/09/2018 12:41

Glad to hear it bold 💐

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 11/09/2018 20:51

The abuse has begun Confused

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 11/09/2018 21:00

You have done the right thing and your ex is a selfish bully for refusing to support his children. All you are doing is claiming what is rightfully yours. They are his children too and you are struggling financially. He has avoided paying for years. Shut your ears to the abuse.

sparklepops123 · 11/09/2018 21:04

What's he done

RandomMess · 11/09/2018 21:10

Block him on your phone etc.

Greystar · 11/09/2018 21:13

What a piece of scum, I can't understand the mentality of not wanting to provide for your own children, you've done the right thing, he should not harass you, horrible man! Thanks for you

lowtide · 11/09/2018 21:16

Grey rock all the way. Be strong. Everyone supports you.

FarrahMoan · 11/09/2018 21:22

Sending you lots of strength boldcomicsans

It'll be worth it in the long run

QuickNC123 · 11/09/2018 21:29

Stay strong. You have this army behind you.

He sounds like a right prick.

redastherose · 11/09/2018 21:30

As PP said look up grey rock. It really works with abusive men as it refuses them the reaction to their abuse which is what they get off on. Please remember your children deserve a decent life and him paying for the children he brought into this world is essential to you being able to provide that.

Try and have some stock responses to any abuse sent by text. 'I'm sorry you refused to pay towards the children and forced me to do this' or 'it's a pity you decided not to help pay for the children, I wish I hadn't had to do it this way but you left me no choice' puts the blame squarely back on his shoulders, then ignore any further communication. If he contacts you by text tell him he needs to email you in future about the DC's contact arrangements and then block his number.

Also worth telling your children that their Dad may well try and blame you or call you names because you've been forced to ask the government to make him help pay towards their upkeep because their Dad refused to do it voluntarily.

Please don't let him intimidate you out of doing what you need to do to help your children. You shouldn't be left struggling to pay bills while he gets to take them on holiday.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 11/09/2018 21:34

You are 100% doing the right thing. He's had his own way for 8 years too long.

jollyjester · 11/09/2018 21:41

Are you ok OP?

MitchDash · 11/09/2018 21:44

I haven't paid my water for years. I had to cut something and as I already had court injunctions from bills when my exh left I had nothing to lose, they can't cut you off and I just have more court injunction things. Whatever anyway.

Now I am about to start work after being a carer then a student I will set up a payment plan.

Legageddon · 11/09/2018 22:04

Hope you are ok
Do you have family to talk to?

Explain to the kids before they see him next in case he lies to them.
Reply to him only about the kids and ignore completely any texts or calls about the CSA.
You are 100% in the right here and he is a nasty man who cares not for his children in real terms.

Stay strong