Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of struggling?

193 replies

BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 17:08

I’m a single mum with 2 children. Divorced 8 years ago.
Ex has never paid a penny in child maintenance and refuses to. He won’t but school uniform or clothes and if he does buy them anything they are strictly kept at his house.

He has the children 3 nights every other week as per the contact order.

I work full time and the children are in childcare before and after school so I can work.

I just about pay the bills and cover a food budget which is minimal. I don’t drink or go out.

Yet at times like now when the kids need uniform, I have to miss a bill to be able to stretch to it.

He gets to take them on holiday and to fun days out. Whilst I’m boring old mum paying the bills, doing the washing and cleaning, working forcing the kids to childcare.

Not sure what I’m asking, I just feel that after struggling for 8 years I’d hoped to be in a better position by now.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Mrschainsawuk · 03/09/2018 18:57

you dont need his permission to change there school you just apply for a place next to where you live

Ellen7262 · 03/09/2018 18:59

I contacted the CSA today and it was easy enough, nothing overly stressfully. They will contact him independently so you don't need to worry about that. Well done for coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship and feeling stronger on the other side. The CSA will be able to help ease the money worries, at least. Thanks

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 19:00

Cafcass have confirmed that I need his permission to change the children’s school. Because he had parental responsibility.

OP posts:
HighwayChile · 03/09/2018 19:13

My ex is emotionally abusive too and refused to pay child maintenance. One phone call to Child maintenances services and it was all sorted. He still complains to the children frequently about having to pay me "loads of money" Hmm But thankfully they see through it now.

I honestly don't know how these men sleep at night knowing they are cheating their children out of money. You on the other hand sound like a wonderful mum and are doing everything you can to ensure that your children have all they need - give yourself the respect you deserve for that 💐

The children will understand as they get older.

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 19:25

Highway I’m so sorry your going through this too. It is so soul destroying almost daily. Everything he does is a manipulative game or to gain more control.

I am much stronger than I was at the beginning. And I will continue to battle for the best for my children in hopes that when they are older they will fully understand the truth.

Even if I only got £5 a week off him, it would help massively. I can’t even imagine getting to take them away on holiday, but if the CSA can help maybe one year it will be a possibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 19:27

Ellen how long roughly did the phone call take please? I will try and call them on my lunch hour sometime this week. I have an appointment tomorrow which will take up about half of my lunch hour. So unless the call takes half an hour or less I’ll have to wait until Wednesday.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 03/09/2018 19:32

Like calling a call centre - ring first thing or avoid dinner time etc. They've heard it all, it's all just facts and the fact is he has a legal obligation to pay for his kids

sparklepops123 · 03/09/2018 19:35

I remember now : I filled the form in on line - have a look

NapQueen · 03/09/2018 19:41

Op are you claiming everything you can? You should be getting single person discount on council tax. You could have tax credits for help with childcare. Does your work do childcare vouchers?

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 19:47

I can’t find a link to fill in online. Do you have the link please?

I get single person council tax but am paying off arrears from years ago caused by my ex.
I also get child benefit and universal credit. I don’t get much from them because of my wage but I get a good chunk of my childcare fees from them which I’m extremely grateful for. If it weren’t for the childcare help I would have no change at almost £1,000 per month.

OP posts:
lowtide · 03/09/2018 19:58

Do the freedom too. You’re still being abused by him that much is patently clear.

NapQueen · 03/09/2018 20:01

Ok good to know you are claiming what you are entitled to.

sparklepops123 · 03/09/2018 20:01

Sorry I'm not that savvy , maybe some other ladies can help ?

sparklepops123 · 03/09/2018 20:03

I did it long time ago sure still possible

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/09/2018 20:04

How old are the DC?

Sarahani · 03/09/2018 20:04

I would question the school thing if you are the parent going the drop offs pick up and paying for childcare

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 20:14

Their father does the pick up and drops offs at school once a fortnight.

My children are over 5 but under 10. Sorry I’m trying not to give too much personal details in hopes to not be identified.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/09/2018 20:14

I don't understand how anyone thinks not financially supporting their child is acceptable. What kind of man is he.

Not a penny towards their upkeep.

Does he have other family? Parents or siblings? Could they get through to him?

Are you claiming all the benefits you can?

Do they qualify for free school meals? If so they should qualify for the pupil premium.

You can get some money to assist with school uniform, school equipment etc through this. PM if you're interested and I'll see if I can help you. I'm assuming you're in the UK.

Not many parents are aware if it and how it works.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/09/2018 20:26

If your DC are still in primary then I would focus on moving them to a more convenient secondary. As the distance criteria for admission will be taken from your address you have a strong argument for picking a school near to you.

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 20:26

Due to my wage I don’t qualify for free school meals. I’ve been hoping if I don’t mention it they won’t notice :/
He won’t pay towards that either and I certainly can’t afford it for 2 children.

I’ll get there though one day! I just keep plodding along doing what I can.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 03/09/2018 20:32

Absolutely call the CSA. There is an online calculator so you can have an estimate of what he owes you each month.

NapQueen · 03/09/2018 20:40

On the days he has the dc, do they go to chilcare too? If so, you need to stop paying those days.

ethelfleda · 03/09/2018 20:41

I’m sorry I’m not great at the advice. I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. It isn’t fair and you’re clearly doing the absolute best you can. I hope the CSA can help you. When do you have to pay them the £20?

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 20:43

I have managed to find the £20 so will be applying this week.

Even when he has the children I still have to pay for a full time childcare place to hold their place if that makes sense. Most work in this way now.

He also gets half the school holidays which I still have to pay for.

OP posts:
lowtide · 03/09/2018 20:47

Well done
Start to find some power. It’s horrific what he’s doing to you. Absolutely horrific.
You need to see this and stop minimising it be you’re a lovely kind empathetic person.
He is not.