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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of struggling?

193 replies

BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 17:08

I’m a single mum with 2 children. Divorced 8 years ago.
Ex has never paid a penny in child maintenance and refuses to. He won’t but school uniform or clothes and if he does buy them anything they are strictly kept at his house.

He has the children 3 nights every other week as per the contact order.

I work full time and the children are in childcare before and after school so I can work.

I just about pay the bills and cover a food budget which is minimal. I don’t drink or go out.

Yet at times like now when the kids need uniform, I have to miss a bill to be able to stretch to it.

He gets to take them on holiday and to fun days out. Whilst I’m boring old mum paying the bills, doing the washing and cleaning, working forcing the kids to childcare.

Not sure what I’m asking, I just feel that after struggling for 8 years I’d hoped to be in a better position by now.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
sallievp · 03/09/2018 20:53

You sound like a lovely mum and you are doing the right thing by contacting CSA. Hope things get better for you

BarbarianMum · 03/09/2018 20:55

What sort of choldcare are you using that youhaveto pay to hold the place? Any option of swapping to school based care (breakfast and afterschool club) for term time and holiday clubs for the holidays? Then you'd only have to pay for what you need.

MrsChollySawcutt · 03/09/2018 20:58

Great news OP.

Stay strong. Your DC are young but in a few more years they will work out who is doing the caring and supporting them and who is just there for the fluffy stuff. Thanks

ivegotthisyeah · 03/09/2018 21:06

Your ex is disgusting and vile why should you and the kids go without. Get the csa on him you deserve to be able to survive!! Good luck and please update Thanks

ivegotthisyeah · 03/09/2018 21:07

Also as I found out you can't get free school dinners if you get working tax credit!!! Angry

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 21:53

Thank you so much for your support. It really does mean a lot.

The childcare I used is a childminder. The waiting list for breakfast club is huge and the school does not have after school care. Only certain activities on certain days but each day is for a different year so wouldn’t work.

I’m off to bed now, but I’m suddenly feeling much happier and positive.

I won’t let him win and one day I’ll be fully in control of my own and my children’s lives!

OP posts:
lowtide · 03/09/2018 22:01

Flowers well done woman

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 04/09/2018 06:40

It’s a new day and I’m feeling positive. First day back at school in a new year. They grow up so fast!

OP posts:
Witchofwisteria · 04/09/2018 07:23

You need to chase him down for child maintenance, you will get it all eventually.

A friend of mine who is in her twenties now, has a sister who is 21 and a brother who just turned 18 - their mum has just been awarded 11k from her XDH.

Basically he never paid a penny after they were 10/11 but would go on holidays and generally was just a complete shit! All 3 kids hate him, so at least there's that!

Anyway - he would change jobs every 6m/1 year and not tell their mother, he lived 1.5 hours away and so no one could even tell her "I've heard pauls now working at Argos etc..." so she has never been able to tell the government THIS is where he is working for them to take the money from his pay check. I think he's also moved address a lot and not told anyone.

Fast forward to recently, a truck pulls out in front of their mum, almost hits her and the driver starts to laugh and stick middle fingers up and be horrid... ITS THE DAD, taking the piss out of her. Well from the van he was driving she then knew he was working for a furniture store (the only one of that brand that is near where he lives). She told CM and they have gone after him for over £11,000. They are now taking from his salary every month - I think about £360pcm haha.

(No idea why she needed to know where he was employed or what will happen if he just looses that job too though. No personal experience with CM but that's what I have been told!)

froggybiby · 04/09/2018 07:54

Best of luck OP. I hope you get it sorted & manage to speak to CSA this weekFlowers

Eliza9917 · 04/09/2018 08:03

@beautifulblue I wouldn't give him a heads up, it gives him a chance to leave his job or fix his payments somehow.

Butterymuffin · 04/09/2018 09:17

Good luck OP. Go through the system. He is choosing to leave his kids short which is disgraceful.

youaremyrain · 04/09/2018 09:39

Apparently CMS can waive the £20 if there emotional abuse.

He won't be happy, my exH is still raging (he even tried to avoid paying £200 a month by putting £800 a month into a brand new private pension but I claimed disposal of income and they counted it all as his income) but just keep telling yourself that it's the legal minimum that he is legally obliged to pay!

BerriesandLeaves · 04/09/2018 09:49

This sort of thread makes me think we should ditch school uniform so you wouldn't have that extra expense and wouldn't have to skip paying a bill. I hope you have success with the CSA

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 06/09/2018 13:10

I am currently on the phone to CSA making an application. I feel sick and have started with a migraine. Who would think such a simple thing would cause so much stress.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 06/09/2018 13:21

Good for you, you'll feel better once you've talked to them 💐

TomHardysNextWife · 06/09/2018 13:32

Seriously where do these men come from??!

Can you apply for a hardship fund from the school? Towards uniform, days out etc. You can prove he's not contributing, after all.

TomHardysNextWife · 06/09/2018 13:34

My DD has a stepson whose mother doesn't contribute to his keep.... ongoing battle with CSA over it. She managed to get a hardship fund from the school towards his ongoing expenses, it's made a massive difference.

cushioncovers · 06/09/2018 13:44

Glad you are getting it sorted op. It is stressful but going through the child maintenance service was the best thing I did. Although my ex then went self employed so he has to pay hardly anything.

bibliomania · 06/09/2018 14:11

They backdate to the date you make the claim, so it's worth getting it in sooner rather than later. It's CMS now and not CSA. It can be a bit of a faff - if your ex says he'll pay you voluntarily first, they'll let him try that, so you have to wait for him to not pay and then get back to them. It's definitely worth doing though. Good luck!

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 06/09/2018 15:07

They said he will be liable from the date they send him the first letter. Will now just wait and see what happens.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 06/09/2018 15:22

You've got the ball rolling, well done

CityFarmer · 06/09/2018 19:49

Congratulations @OP :)
Well done

HollowTalk · 06/09/2018 19:56

Oh my god, this makes my blood boil. How dare he abuse you in that way? And I would find out about the school thing, too - it's disgraceful that he should control where they go when he only does a pick up once a fortnight and doesn't pay a penny towards their care.

SilverLining10 · 06/09/2018 20:08

Am wishing everything works out for you op. Well done. You and your DC deserve this. X

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