Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of struggling?

193 replies

BoldComicSans · 03/09/2018 17:08

I’m a single mum with 2 children. Divorced 8 years ago.
Ex has never paid a penny in child maintenance and refuses to. He won’t but school uniform or clothes and if he does buy them anything they are strictly kept at his house.

He has the children 3 nights every other week as per the contact order.

I work full time and the children are in childcare before and after school so I can work.

I just about pay the bills and cover a food budget which is minimal. I don’t drink or go out.

Yet at times like now when the kids need uniform, I have to miss a bill to be able to stretch to it.

He gets to take them on holiday and to fun days out. Whilst I’m boring old mum paying the bills, doing the washing and cleaning, working forcing the kids to childcare.

Not sure what I’m asking, I just feel that after struggling for 8 years I’d hoped to be in a better position by now.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldComicSans · 18/09/2018 06:23

The psychological assessments are starting :( I am not feeling confident.
Petrol is low and electric is on emergency. It really would help to get regular child maintenance!

On another note, I’ve been trying hard to improve my credit rating. After 2 years on a sim only contract they’ve allowed me to upgrade with a phone. Same costs as before. It’s due today. It sounds quite pathetic but it will be a welcome distraction setting it all up etc.

OP posts:
PinPon · 18/09/2018 06:28

Well done on the phone! Just keep going with baby steps towards your goal.

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 18/09/2018 06:35

I’m struggling to face the world today. I want to stay home and not face work. I’m being silly.

OP posts:
IamReginaFalange · 18/09/2018 06:44

Be strong. You can do this. Keep telling yourself and him and your children that you are entitled to this money for a better life. You deserve it. Flowers

IamReginaFalange · 18/09/2018 06:46

Also is there anyone you can speak to about paying less toward the debts over a longer time? I just had a hugggeeeeee bill and I called and said I want to pay but I can’t and they have given me a year to pay and if I can’t manage I can call back.

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 18/09/2018 06:54

Water have asked me to start making a monthly payment, so I’m going to rework out my finances again. I’m already paying back council tax arrears from years ago caused by him.

I have the odd other small debt but that can wait. Plus I need to start paying council tax. I’m hoping my car insurance will come down end of the year. That’s almost a quarter of my wage at the moment and drinks fuel. But I’ve no way of saving for a car that costs less to run. It was all I could get at the time when my other car broke.

I am still paying back a credit union loan (used as a deposit for moving). But I have applied for another so will see what happens. It won’t be much, but if I work it all out right it may help me reduce one bill etc :)

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldComicSans · 18/09/2018 06:55

At the weekend I had a mad tidy and clean which has made me feel lots better and more in control.

Just today I feel like I’m really not winning and just don’t want to face the world. I really want to phone in sick but that will just cause further financial issues next month and then my anxiety will feel worse tomorrow when I go back in.

OP posts:
IamReginaFalange · 18/09/2018 07:10

You are winning. Just take it one step at a time and each step is going to make your life better. Keep posting on here. You will get so much support.

chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 07:10

I’m sorry that you’re having a rubbish time with your ex. Perhaps when the new baby comes along the dynamics at his house will change and he’ll no longer been seen by your DC as disney dad, plus if their heading into their teens they might start to realise what he is like and how he treats you is wrong.

Can you access any counselling through work to help with your anxiety?

sparklepops123 · 18/09/2018 07:12

Keep going you're doing great, get your finances sorted out now as you are then it'll be even easier when your maintenance comes in

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 18/09/2018 07:13

I doubt it regarding the new baby. He’s had 3 other children since mine and each relationship broke down. He hasn’t seen them since.

I can access counselling but they can’t offer anything I can’t offer myself. I’m quite good at self managing. I trained as a counsellor a few years ago which helped massively.

OP posts:
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 07:21

Another 3 children! Wow! Does he not see them out of choice? It seems a bit odd that he wants residency of yours and doesn’t see his other children.

That’s good that you’ve got the opportunity to access counselling, could you do any yourself for extra money?

BeenThereDone · 18/09/2018 07:40

Think we share an ex Confused

You are doing a great job and seeking maintenance is the right thing to do. My eh was exactly the same. He started paying and then started exerting more control. He actually told the kids he was paying my bills.
They are adults now and know the truth as they have seen me struggle their entire lives knowing their dad is throwing money around and having other kids left right and centre. Yours will realise the truth one day and it happens sooner than you think.

What these assholesfail to realise is that kids grow up and they can see what the reality has been.
I have a very close relationship with them and they have hardly anything to do with him. And it was worth it. When children see that they are your entire world and their dad basically couldn't give a shit, it gives you a nice warm glow of a job well done.

Ur amazing and it won't be long now, just hang on in there. 💐💐💐

WheelyCote · 18/09/2018 07:48

We share the same ex too 😳lol

Except my ex kept quitting his job when CSA caught up with him. He even went to university for 4 years...he didn't have to help out financially and he didn't help out with childcare.

It was tough.
My sons are 17 and 18. He left uni and i went straight to the csa. I had the option of them taking CM direct from his pay and they add on a percentage charge to him.
He came back and requested we didn't do that and come to an agreement ourselves.

So now the CSA work out what he needs to pay and he pays it. He's aware that if he messes me about that I'll request the CSA take CM from his pay.

Go to the CSA and talk through your options with them. If he's working then request the hard line of CM coming out of his salary with a view that if he asks you'll drop to direct payments from him.

Hang in there, your doing an amazing job

WheelyCote · 18/09/2018 07:50

The morning coffee is still kicking in. Excuse the lack of punctuation and grammarConfusedSmile

Ethylred · 18/09/2018 07:55

Be strong for yourself and your children, and go to the CSA.

kateandme · 18/09/2018 08:14

You can do this .just by getting out of bed and facing the day You're Winning .just by wanting to do the best for your kids your winning. just by seeing your struggling and facing that head on your winning. so keep going please please keep going. I know it's tough. I know it's scary and confusing and you feel lost and probably really alone but you're not .there's an army on here ,there's your kids, there's so many people that would feel with you and want you to kick ass in this situation you can do it you really can .you been doing it for so long so hard you must be exhausted but this isn't the end and you can win.
what if there was better days to come .don't stop because then you'll have to add another thing to what you think you're failing at just keep going and You're Winning. I know it's really hard but you can do this find The Small Things that make you smile today The Wind in the trees a good program on TV a good memory a moment you kids make you giggle or just a good cuppa just keep going

Doubletrouble99 · 18/09/2018 08:20

Your doing really well, keep going girl. Just wondering if you qualify for the food bank.

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 22/09/2018 17:01

I'm feeling so down and fed up today. My ex has refused to give any information that child maintenance have requested.
They will now apply for an attachment of earnings with his employer but have said this can take around 3 months.

I suspect he will give up his job so he doesn't have to pay.

My car is also now not working. And I've no savings to pay for repairs or replace it with another car. Its a half an hour drive to childcare each morning and then a half hour drive to work. Plus the same after work.

Without a car I cannot achieve this and lose my job. I have asked my boss about doing reduced hours for a while but this has been rejected.

I just feel like I spend every day trying my best in life and each time I fail miserably. I can't even save with the prospect of another car because my car insurance and fuel costs are so high.

I go to work and come home with not much time left to spend with my children. With no money spare each morning for emergencies or enjoyment.

I just want to give up but I can't because my children need me.

Sorry I think I just needed an outlet.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 22/09/2018 17:17

He's such a tosser ! Hang on in there, there was a time it wouldn't of surprised me if my exh tried to deny our dc were his to drag it out for a dna test to delay paying up, he tried all sorts but I got there eventually. Despite that I know how frustrating it can be. Keep going as you are, sorry can't think of anything practical about the car ! 💐

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 22/09/2018 18:40

He always lands on his feet. Can buy whatever he likes. Go on holidays.
And here I am stressing as it's looking like I won't be able to do my contracted working hours, in a job I have worked my arse off at!

Literally don't know whether to cry or scream.

OP posts:
Doubletrouble99 · 22/09/2018 19:25

Oh dear, I really feel for you. Is there a credit union in your area? Or would a member of your family give you a small loan?

Original poster
BoldComicSans · 23/09/2018 08:27

I am a member of a credit union. I'm currently still paying back a loan I took to pay for my rental deposit when we moved.
I have now applied again but not sure how it works. I don't know if you have to wait until you have fully paid off the first loan before applying for another, or if you can apply for the amount that has been paid back so far. Either way I don't think it will be enough to replace my car. Although I'd be happy with a very old run around so long as it worked lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldComicSans · 23/09/2018 20:51

I give up. Nothing in my life is ever simple or easy. I'm so sick and tired of the constant stress and worry.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 23/09/2018 21:10

💐💐 I wish you weren't so low. How about citizens advice,there's a easier point out there you just maybe don't realise. Book appointment tmrw 💐