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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

387 replies

Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:06

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already Sad

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 31/08/2018 22:09

You are brave, OP.

A apropos of nothing, I hear Homebase are selling fire retardant suits half price in their everything must go sale. 🔥🚒🔥

Sirzy · 31/08/2018 22:10

Surely their is a middle ground and you can move somewhere cheaper but not as far away?

Yabvu to expect him to move away from his children!

MandalaYogaTapestry · 31/08/2018 22:10

Is your flat 1-bedroom? Is that why your DD is sharing with you?

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:12

I'm not sure about brave but I feel I've been lead a merry dance. He told me he wasn't opposed to relocating and upgrading when we were pregnant with DD, then as soon as she was born his position changed. This baby was unplanned and I wish I could live with the decision to abort because in this situation it would be the right thing to go. I just know I'd never get over it Sad

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 31/08/2018 22:12

What is his solution to the situation that you are in? Yours is to move, he needs to come up with something realistic instead if he isn't prepared to move out of London

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:14

Yes its a one bedroom flat we have currently. After we conceived DD the plan was to upgrade, were not in a position to do that here so he said we'd look into moving further out.

For what its worth I have considered his other children but don't think the move would change anything for them as it is solely weekends he sees them, in fact more space would mean they can spend the whole weekend sleeping over whereas they can't here

OP posts:
flowery · 31/08/2018 22:15

Why is it either stay in London or move up north? Just move a little way outside of London, surely?

BuggeringNora · 31/08/2018 22:15

Could you not compromise? We are in a SE commuter town, less than one hour on the train into Central London, and we pay £1200 pcm for a three bedroom house. You can get a two bedroom flat for £900. Could that not be a solution?

BlueBug45 · 31/08/2018 22:15

YABU to ask to move North. Both your DP and your own children need to have relationships with his older children. FFS they are your children's half-siblings. As far as your children are concerned they are people who are related to them who are not their parents but are a consistent part of their lives.

However YANBU to move elsewhere. Have a look around London and the SE to see where you could live cheaper, have more room and ensure your children can still have a decent relationship with their half-siblings.

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:15

He hasn't come up with anything realistic or offered any compromise. I mention moving, he clams up and the conversation ends. I'm open to suggestions and compromise but the problem is he isn't offering any.

It feels like "do what you like with the baby but I'm not moving" although he hasn't been so blunt

OP posts:
TriJo · 31/08/2018 22:17

We have 2 (2.5 and 7 months) and moved from London to Manchester in mid July. No regrets at all. We didn't have ties to London like your partner does though.

ButchyRestingFace · 31/08/2018 22:18

It feels like "do what you like with the baby but I'm not moving" although he hasn't been so blunt

Would you leave him and move if push came to shove?

RealSLOAH · 31/08/2018 22:18

Would DP be open to relocating within London or the commuter belt? It’s obvious that he won’t consider moving far away from his older kids.

skunkatanka · 31/08/2018 22:18

Why "north"? Anywhere outside London will be cheaper. The north isn't automatically cheaper than anywhere in the south!

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 31/08/2018 22:18

While I kinda agree with Butchy I’ll give an opinion.

  • you cannot afford to live in London
  • you already have a 2 yr old sleeping in your bedroom
  • dp does not want to move hundreds of miles away from his other dc
  • abortion is not the answer and you know it
You could move out of London but stay near enough for him to still see his kids. Realistically you have to move
StitchingMoss · 31/08/2018 22:18

FWIW, you certainly wouldn’t need three bedrooms just because new baby is a bit. They could share a bedroom for many years before that became an issue.

My friend’s ex dh has just moved away from her and the kids at the behest of his new wife - they’re devastated. I think your dh is doing the honourable thing wanting to stay close by.

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:19

The reason I mentioned north is because I have family there (who are like family to him also) and they'd be a brilliant help with the children. My Dsis has already volunteered to have DD on the days she's currently in childcare which would save even more money.

I never contemplated cutting his other children out and would absolutely want them to spend the weekends with us, I even offered to split the pick ups so he didn't need to do all the driving.

I'm definitely open to other locations but the problem is he doesn't seem to be, he's lived in our current area all of his life and whilst he doesn't have a big friends group outside of work this is all he's ever known

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 31/08/2018 22:19

Then OP you need to do some research and find viable places in London and the SE where you can live.

TroubledLichen · 31/08/2018 22:19

What a 2 bed flat in a cheaper part of London/in the suburbs but still commutable? I see why a 1 bed wouldn’t work for you but there’s absolutely no reason why small children, even if they aren’t the same gender, can’t share a room. My DNephew and DNeice shared until they were 9 & 7 out of choice (there was a spare room ready for DNephew when he felt ready to move). As for his other children staying then get a sofa bed and give them your room to share if necessary.

And it’s absolutely reasonable that he doesn’t want to move 100s of miles away from his existing children. Even EOW contact really isn’t feasible with those kinds of distances involved. You’d be selfish to keep pushing it IMO.

TeacupDrama · 31/08/2018 22:20

the problem with up north is not that its up north I actually live in Scotland but instead of his DC maybe travelling 30-60 mintes across London it would be 3+ hours that means your DH travelling down to London to collect them coming back with them going back down 2 days later then returning home again altogether 12 hours for him and 6 hours for your DSC if he moves he is responsible for all the travelliing and soon the DSC will not want to spend 6 hours travelling so he'll see them less and less, what about moving somewhere nearer but cheaper like north kent Romford area you could also rent 3 bedrooms in romford for the same money as you are paying now

StitchingMoss · 31/08/2018 22:20

New baby is a boy not a bit!

NerdyBird · 31/08/2018 22:21

When you say up north where do you mean? You're asking him to move possibly several hours away from his dc. How will they get to you of a weekend? Hours in a car or on a train, plus the extra cost.
DPs ex used to live 40 mins away and that was awkward enough.

TeacupDrama · 31/08/2018 22:22

I don't know much about the area but this looks decent nice garden off road parking 3 beds

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-75058490.html

adayatthebeach · 31/08/2018 22:22

This sure needs sorting doesn’t it? If you wait much longer to move it will be harder physically and financially. You need to insist he listen to reason and make a decision together. Good luck OP.

MadeForThis · 31/08/2018 22:26

Think of the commuting costs also. Moving an hour or so away is fine. Any further is a big stumbling block for access.

How will his dc feel when you move?