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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

387 replies

Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:06

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already Sad

OP posts:
negomi90 · 31/08/2018 22:27

If the older dc spend the days hanging out, they're not going to want to suddenly stay over.
Hanging out and staying over are a different level of comfort.
Plus as they get older, the current arrangement can be adapted for friends and things happening on the weekend. You move away, it will be all or nothing for the kids and the relationships will suffer.
Move to the commuter burbs as a compromise.

Your current DC is fine, moving will worsen her relationship with her older siblings, but may help with the new baby.

New baby benefits from the move - more space and family around.

2 older DC lose out.

Essentially your asking him to pick the new baby over his existing kids. He's being a good dad by saying no.

puzzledlady · 31/08/2018 22:28

Ah - so you want to go back to where your family are. I can see it from his point - you are taking him away from his children, potentially they or him having to travel hours to meet. To him, it’ll look like you want to move to your family. I can see it from your point too - you want another baby. Did he plan to have another one? It could be that he didn’t want anymore children and now he feels trapped? He probably feels like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Where do his family live? You must be able to find some compromise. Kent? Surrey? Sussex?

Loopytiles · 31/08/2018 22:28

YABVU to expect a man who was a father when you met to move hundreds of miles and many hours away, which would be to the detriment of his older DC.

YANBU to want to move to a cheaper area in / around London.

Another DC will also make working FT difficult, when FT work would be adviseable if you’re not married.

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:32

I was looking at areas in Yorkshire initially, because of family ties.

One big sticking point to private accommodation here is the huge chunk of money you pay in advance. It cost us just shy of three thousand to get into the flat we're in now.

Although no matter where you live you need to pay rent in advance etc but my Dsis moved house last year and paid under £500 to get in.

Any savings we had are all but gone after spending them on everything DD needed before she was born. We don't have thousands of pounds worth of rent in advance and deposits, with our outgoings every month being so high and swallowing up our finances we just have to leg room to save that amount of money.

I do understand his reservations and FWIW I adore his DC and am totally prepared to be told I'm BU, I just feel as though I'm the only one looking for a "way out" of our living situation without getting rid of the baby, I'm scared I'm going to be backed into getting an abortion because he won't be proactive in changing our living situation.

After an argument today that went nowhere I relented and said fine I will abort the baby so it doesn't cause you any more inconvenience. I said I don't want to have a termination but feel on my own with all of this and you're not discussing alternative living arrangements or considering a compromise. He sat there looking sullen whilst I called the abortion clinic and made a booking for a telephone consultation, that is tomorrow.

I feel that desperate I've considered leaving him but that brings me a host of all new problems as a single parent Sad

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 31/08/2018 22:32

Quick look on Rightmove shows 3 bed house to rent in Gravesend for £895 pm with garden. I'm sure there are others similar.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 31/08/2018 22:33

Just move to cheaper area out if London
Harlow Chelmsford if you are northeast and kids could get train and stay the weekend

30hours · 31/08/2018 22:34

Abort your child so he doesn’t have to move? No fucking way

underneaththeash · 31/08/2018 22:34

Loads of places on the south coast have a cheaper standard of living as do places outside one London.

Living in central London is no fun with no space and lots of children. We escaped rather than aborted....

MrsPatmore · 31/08/2018 22:34

There are many two bed houses in London for between £1000-1200 per month with gardens etc. You may have to lower your expectations re;area or move a bit further out.

FASH84 · 31/08/2018 22:34

Are there other reasons he doesn't want a fourth child? You say unplanned but much wanted, but is that just for you? Have you spoken about the baby without talking about accommodation?

GeorgeTheHippo · 31/08/2018 22:35

Bit Yorkshire is way too far from his kids. You need a compromise. Cheaper but not so far.

timeisnotaline · 31/08/2018 22:35

Up north is not fair on your dps children. The only way you are moving up north is if you separate. He is being very unreasonable to not consider moving at all though, to somewhere in London surrounds. You should tell him that you are keeping the baby , as if you aborted your relationship would be over anyway as you’d never forgive him so that is a loselose decision. You don’t want to abort and you shouldn’t.

OlennasWimple · 31/08/2018 22:35

Would you really chose to abort rather than leave your DP? It's not a threat to toss around to provoke a discussion about your situation, and please don't feel pressured into having a termination unless you are absolutely certain that it is the right thing for you Flowers

FASH84 · 31/08/2018 22:36

@Singlenotsingle I'd pay that a month to not have to live in Gravesend...

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:36

Thank you for the area / property link and suggestions I will have a look now

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 31/08/2018 22:36

Any chance of housing association helping you, you will be overcrowded. Parts of n.e London, Edmonton still quite cheap. Can you get housing benefit? Housing is a scandal.

30hours · 31/08/2018 22:36

My husband refused to move out of his tiny, disgusting one bed flat (rented to him by his mother at above market price) for the first year of our baby’s life. She couldn’t crawl. No space. No one could sleep. We argued constantly.

I started divorce proceedings. Suddenly we had a nice big new flat.

Do not abort a baby for him.

KerfuffleShuffle · 31/08/2018 22:37

I want to know where up north you can get a 3 bedroom house with 2 Gardens for £600pcm. I live in South Yorkshire in a suburb with high poverty and crime where we own our small 50sqm 2bed flat, but most of the block rent for £550-£600pcm. It doesn't get much cheaper in the rest of Yorkshire either. Unless your version of North is 30 miles north of Watford then I think it is unfair to expect your dp to drive many hours a week to see his kids. The cost of fuel and car maintenance for this will also be considerable. I honestly have no idea what the solution is but I do feel for you. Tough one OP Flowers

AwkwardPaws27 · 31/08/2018 22:38

I live in zone 6, in Romford, and you could rent a three bedroom house within a mile of the station for £1250. Less than 30 minutes to Liverpool Street. The schools are generally good, plenty of parks and a new leisure centre. There's a lively nightlife scene in the town centre on a Friday and Saturday night, but I've never felt unsafe walking home.
You may need to compromise on location, as it would be difficult if you moved several hours away from your partner's other children (in terms of time and additional travel costs). You also need to consider that some cheaper areas are cheaper because there isn't much work - so there would be a lot of competition for those unskilled jobs, so you might find it hard to get work.
Are you eligible for any kind of enhanced maternity pay in your current job, as you'd lose that too if you move very far and have to change your job.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 22:38

You’re not wrong to want to move, but I can see why he doesn’t want to, and it’s a long way from his other children.

I live on the edge of south west London, inside the M25 and 45 minutes to Waterloo, and pay £1250 for a good sized 3 bed with a garden in a nice area. You have move options than just going up north.

ladyvimes · 31/08/2018 22:38

Teacup Harold Hill is rough! That price is not as good as it looks!

RedDwarves · 31/08/2018 22:39

You can't expect his children to travel to Yorkshire every/every other weekend just because you want to be closer to your family. That is utterly unreasonable.

Move out of London, sure, but the choice isn't simply London or Yorkshire.

OlennasWimple · 31/08/2018 22:39

Where do you and DP need to get to in London (roughly) for work? Maybe we can suggest some decent options that are cheaper but also good to bring up a family

garethsouthgatesmrs · 31/08/2018 22:40

Don't abort your daughters sibling and a much wanted baby when it isn't what you want. I doubt your relationship would recover.

Look for 2 beds in cheaper areas. Are you north London? I live 45 mins train ride North of kings cross and 2 bed flats and small houses are 850 here. His older kids could get here easily and he could go down to london to see them as often as he wanted. My 7 and 5 yr old boy and girl would still share if we hadn't moved. They loved their bunks. I doubt it would be a problem for a couple of years yet.

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:41

I have been feeling as though I have no choice but to abort because he's not communicating with me or taking any of the worry on himself, its all on me. He seems dead set on not wanting to move (anywhere) and I don't want to be a single parent despite the fact I've considered leaving him. I don't want an abortion and have told him I'll grow to resent him if he doesn't work with me to sort things out ASAP.

He works 12 hour shifts and finds his job stressful which I sympathise with but I do need to be able to discuss this and lighten the load, share the worry etc.

Neither of us planned another DC and it was a big shock, prior to finding out I actually said I wouldn't want another, he said he was undecided but likes the idea of another in the future.

He seems to have emotionally checked out of the pregnancy and keeps saying its up to me what I do, when I press him he says he struggles to explain how he feels.

Personally I think he wants me to get an abortion but he'd never outright tell me to, his tactic will be to carry on as he is knowing I feel backed into a corner

OP posts: