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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

387 replies

Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:06

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already Sad

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 31/08/2018 22:56

Well, he's not helping, is he? So your feeling is understandable

Do you think that your relationship can get through this, though - either you abort a wanted baby, which would put the kibosh on most relationships; or you have the baby, which he resents because he never wanted a fourth child in the first place, and doesn't earn enough to look after properly

Have you looked at a benefits calculator to work out what assistance you could get if you stay with him and if you went it alone with two children?

longestlurkerever · 31/08/2018 22:56

I actually think the north is getting a hard time here. My mil and DM come to see us on the train every week - it's two hours. Commuter towns can be almost as far. At the same time I think talking about being forced into abortion is emotive and wrong. You want to remove the conflict and start talking as a team. You'll find a solution.

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:59

@Shoxfordian baby was a contraceptive failure. We had no plans for more DC

However now it is a reality i know I will hate myself if I abort. I will struggle to live with myself.

For some people once pregnant its not as easy as just "not having the baby"

I am attached already, be it a cluster of cells or just a yolk sack I love this baby.

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 31/08/2018 22:59

Your comments about aborting sound like manipulation tbh. It's unfair and it's not going to help you.

Saying you'll resent him is trying to put it all on him. We move to Yorkshire or I'll terminate and resent you forever.

That's not nice.

NasdaqYouTwat · 31/08/2018 23:00

I agree sisterlove

ShawshanksRedemption · 31/08/2018 23:02

I can feel from your posts that you're angry with your DH and so you've decided to force the issue by having an abortion you don't want and blaming him. You're both responsible for being pregnant, you're both responsible for considering it's future. Don't decide to make the decision yet, he may just need time to adjust to the shock and then process it all and then be able to think about the next step (ie moving).

Look, you don't HAVE to have an abortion if you don't want to and certainly not if you feel you're being backed in to one. It's got to be because you feel it's the best option for all of you, and you don't seem to feel that way at all. As I say, you seem to be acting out of anger over your DHs lack of discussion over the issue. I fear you would end up more angry, resentful, bitter and your marriage would not survive if you went ahead with a termination.

Maybe turn it around and say, baby is due by x date, so we've got to then to discuss it and plan.

ohnothanks · 31/08/2018 23:02

Is this actually about housing? Or about being a responsible adult? It seems to me that the main issue is not a space one but that you are having to be the mover and decision-maker when it should be a joint responsibility. Being the default responsible adult is very, very wearing.

A baby is the ultimate grown-up decision. He is leaving you to do the deciding, which must be very annoying understatement

fastfooder · 31/08/2018 23:03

Do NOT abort your baby for this man to stay in a one bed flat that is already too small for your family!!!!

Even if you have a boy you don’t need a three bed. Kids can share. So you only need a two bed.

Second yes you are being unreasonable for him to move that far away from his kids. An hour drive is acceptable anything more is just horrendously stressful.

Tbh if I was in your situation I would rather leave him then abort my baby.

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 23:03

I haven't said move to Yorkshire or I'll terminate

I'm open to his suggestions but he's offering none. That was my 2ps worth. Instead of coming back with an alternative he shuts down and does his usual silence when confronted with a difficult discussion

He isn't partaking in constructive discussion about accommodation, thus leaving me feel hopeless

He wants to stay put, that isn't a possibility for DD alone let alone another baby

I would rather him tell me to fuck off and have the baby on my own because at least then I'd have something to go with. He's saying absolutely nothing.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 31/08/2018 23:03

It may be your pregnancy hormones at work here but you are coming across as childish, unreasonable and selfish - threatening to end your pregnancy if you don't immediately get your own way about moving house.

It is not the end of the world if you have to stay in slightly cramped accommodation for a bit longer. At least you have accommodation. Babies and toddlers can share a room with no problems.

For the moment, stop hassling your DP who is (quite rightly) considering his existing children, his job and his friends as well as you and the unborn child. Calm down. And, when you are a bit calmer, maybe try a sensible discussion about moving less far away, as PP have suggested.

TroubledLichen · 31/08/2018 23:03

You and your DP need to have a proper conversation. One doesn’t involve you suggesting Yorkshire or terminating the pregnancy (since that’s clearly not what you want) or him shutting down. If he isn’t willing to discuss real solutions with you though then I don’t know what you can do. But suggesting up north when you know deep down it isn’t going to work with his children isn’t helping find a real solution. Maybe find an area nearby where you are currently that’s a bit cheaper and send him some links to 2 bed flats? It would show that you’re willing to look for a sensible solution and hopefully he’ll engage with you.

And do speak to your local authority/shelter as there are sometime schemes available that help with deposits or moving costs for private rented.

InertPotato · 31/08/2018 23:04

How old are the older, irrelevant children?

AnnieAnoniMoose · 31/08/2018 23:04

You’re being disingenuous. Your children don’t need period features. You got with a man who has children, expecting him to move away from them is ridiculous, selfish and nasty. Be grateful he wants to stay near them, because hopefully that means he’d treat your two the same if you split up.

London is an amazing place for children to grow up.

onewayoflife · 31/08/2018 23:04

I am attached already, be it a cluster of cells or just a yolk sack I love this baby.

Then don't abort. It's obvious you don't want to. I live just outside of London and can be in the centre in 25 mins and you can get nice 2-bed places here for 1k.

Wherever you are, just move ~10 miles further out and you'll get another 2 rooms for the same money and it won't be that hard for your OH to still see all his friends and his kids

garethsouthgatesmrs · 31/08/2018 23:04

You are not answering the people asking you why you can't consider slightly north of London. It would make it an easier journey for you to Huddersfield as well. Somewhere up the m1?

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 23:05

@ohnothanks that is exactly how it is, its very frustrating and I'm losing sleep trying to juggle everything on my own. Sad

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 31/08/2018 23:06

I guess I'm also saying your DH needs to come to a decision himself, not forced in to one.

If push came to shove, your kids could have the bedroom and you could have a sofa-bed in the living room. Far from ideal, but maybe that set-up suggestion to your DH could help him come to terms with the fact he needs to accept that you'll all need to move? And he'll come to that decision quite naturally too.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 31/08/2018 23:06

I think the idea about the sofa bed is possibly a viable one, if you want to stay with your DP. Also, 2 bedroom flats. If the baby is a boy, like pp said they can share a room for years before this becomes an issue.

Only have the termination if that's what you really want. I think you should consider if the relationship has a future if he won't communicate with you though Flowers

pp being snobbish about Gravesend- I lived there for many years and it is not that bad- there are plenty worse places to live Hmm. I'd actually consider if in the OP's position- great links to London for work, cheaper housing and proximity to lots of stuff to do in the county.

Sisterlove · 31/08/2018 23:08

Minimising the impact of moving up north on him and his DC.
I'm paraphrasing here -
"He only sees them at weekends anyway. That won't change. He'll still see them as often as he does now"

You're acting like it's no big deal moving hundreds of miles away from his DC.

That's what I mean when I say minimising.
It's like when someone does you a favour and you say "they enjoyed doing it. ..they gave you a lift but it was on their route home anyway"

It minimises it.

CrochetBelle · 31/08/2018 23:08

OP, your username, what is babydust?
I always thought it was a twee term for the good wishes some people ask for when trying to conceive a pregnancy?
It's a strange choice of username for someone finding themselves accidentally pregnant.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 31/08/2018 23:08

Please don't have an abortion just because he's not communicating. It will be the end of your relationship, you'll always resent him for it. Especially given the situation with just your DD means some changes and conversations need to happen. It really sounds like you'd be better going alone on this.

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 23:09

@ReanimatedSGB I've taken on board what you've said but the problem is he isn't thinking about me and baby at all. He won't discuss moving forward, he appears to have emotionally checked out of the pregnancy and that has contributed to me feeling hopeless. Its hard to describe how he's being, he's saying nothing. I haven't said "Yorkshire or abortion" although I can appreciate it might look like that. I'd be happy to consider ANY other suggestions but he's giving me none. All he has done is said no to my suggestion and offered nothing else. I feel really alone with it all

OP posts:
NasdaqYouTwat · 31/08/2018 23:09

What are his reasons for not wanting to move to a cheaper area in/near London?

cherish123 · 31/08/2018 23:09

What about moving out of London but close enough to his kids. Presumably, they couldn't come with you so it would be unfair to make him move too far from them.

longestlurkerever · 31/08/2018 23:10

I get it's frustrating but "I'm open to suggestions" isn't getting you anywhere. I suspect your partner isn't in the same headspace as you yet- the pregnancy is probably more abstract to him, as is your existing child's future. My dp is like this - he lives in the moment whereas I'm always looking to the next stage. I think a healthy balance requires something in the middle so we can work well together if we try to avoid the loggerheads situation. Slow burn drip drip is the way to go. And no abortion talk if it's not what you want. It's not a great to weald.