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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

387 replies

Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:06

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already Sad

OP posts:
moredoll · 31/08/2018 23:10

As others have said you can move further out to somewhere like Romford. That way he's not leaving his older children.
Try and be calm when you talk to him. It must sound like you're threatening abortion if he doesn't move. But it is the only viable option. Check out Rightmove and show him what you're suggesting.
Good Luck. It sounds very difficult.

Thesearmsofmine · 31/08/2018 23:10

YABU and while I understand you are frustrated with your DP the way you have mentioned talking about aborting to him does sound manipulative.
Talk to him properly, say we are in this situation now, let’s work as a team and look at the options we have to suit our whole(including his dc) family.

I live in West Yorkshire, we pay less than £600 in rent for a good sized 3 bed with 2 reception rooms and front and back garden so yes it can be cheap but in the cheap areas average earnings are also low. Going to London every weekend would be expensive and time consuming as well as exhausting.

Imsorrylhaventaclue · 31/08/2018 23:11

I’m in a naice area of the Home Counties and you can rent a 3 bed semi within walking distance of a train that takes 50 mins to London for the amount you pay in rent a month. Your DP IBU to not consider moving at all.

Please don’t get an abortion unless you genuinely don’t want the baby Flowers

moredoll · 31/08/2018 23:11

I mean moving is the only viable option.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 31/08/2018 23:12

Lots of parents sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge, giving the children the bedroom. Friends of mine share the bedroom with their 3&5 year old girls. You have plenty of time to sort this out. Sort your place in whichever way best suits you and let DP come to the conclusion it’s too small, by himself. Your DD doesn’t NEED her own bedroom. She knows no different than sharing, she’s 2.

Eminado · 31/08/2018 23:12

Hi OP

I just wanted to say that i commend you as you seem to be being quite measured in the face of some pretty emotionally heavy decisions.

I also wanted to say that I am sorry but I dont think your DP wants this baby. I know you do but I think you need to know he doesnt (judging by his actions or non-actions).
Was it a contraceptive failure?

Once you get your head around that I think that if you want to keep this baby unfortunately and unfairly you need to be the project manager and do all the leg work and research to find a place that works for the older kids.

I think up north is unrealistic but as mentioned, commuter belt London is your best bet.

Flowers
Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 23:13

@garethsouthgatesmrs I have no problem with staying in London but moving further out. He is being difficult by saying he wants to stay in this area specifically.

I suppose we are both being unreasonable but I'm prepared to compromise whereas he's just being awkward and not wanting to discuss.

I genuinely feel as though he wants me to have an abortion and the only way it'll happen is if its impossible to have the baby, as right now in this flat it is.

Perhaps I'm being paranoid but I can't get any clarification because he won't discuss. Its not practical to just say no to Yorkshire then not offer up any alternatives other than "I don't really want to leave the area" then sitting there biting his fingernails and not saying another word

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 31/08/2018 23:14

You’ve said you want this baby and that you have already bonded. Don’t have a termination just because having another baby doesn’t suit him.
I’d keep the baby and leave him behind. He doesn’t have to move but then you don’t have to stay either.

NeverTwerkNaked · 31/08/2018 23:14

Whereabouts (roughly) in London are your step children? Surely further out on an easy train route to get to them is a sensible solution?

For instance. 1hr out of London in an area with excellent schools gets you three bedrooms and a garden for under £1000 www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-66712126.html

mumtomj · 31/08/2018 23:14

Look at it this way... if he isn't willing to move now knowing your pregnant then he isn't going to want to move if your not pregnant ( I e abortion ) so regardless of what you do he isn't going to want to move. You can't live in a 1 bed flat with your daughter till she's 18... he is being very selfish, I would take a step back look at some area with maybe a 20 min commute into London find some houses with rent £1000-£1200 3 Bed house then show him what you have found. Tell him you are not aborting the baby because regardless of the pregnancy you can't stay in that flat for much longer anyway. There is no point in you having an abortio sorry to sound blunt but it's not like you can get rid of the child you already have so whether he wants to or not he either has to move with you or you have to move yourself and become a single parent

Mollywobbles82 · 31/08/2018 23:15

Perhaps you should try coming up with a few different suggestions, as clearly Yorkshire isn't going to fly. What does he have to say about moving slightly further out for slightly more space, or into the commuter belt for a bit more space than that? Maybe you need to be real about what you need (one more bedroom) vs. what you would like (two + bedrooms and period features, to be near your extended family, a 'nice' area, a garden...) as it sounds like there's some compromising to do all round.

NeverTwerkNaked · 31/08/2018 23:16

I think you need to make it clear to him that Yorkshire is off the table. And perhaps you need to make it clear to him that an abortion is off the table (if that is how you feel then it is fairer to be honest). Then conversations can be focussed on what the actual options are, without anyone being afraid of being pushed into something entirely unpalatable?

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 23:16

@CrochetBelle I thought it sounded sweet, that's all

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 31/08/2018 23:17

You need to take a step back and calm down. What exactly is it you’re juggling everything by myself? At the moment, you’re pregnant, you haven’t delivered triplets. What’s to ‘juggle’?

DeusEx · 31/08/2018 23:17

Sorry, why do you need a three bed for two under three year olds? Two bed surely?

Asking him to move from his children - YABVVVVVVU.

abbsisspartacus · 31/08/2018 23:19

To be blunt you should leave him, you have asked his opinion and got nothing you have offered him a solution by way of abortion (still only a temp fix) he has given you nothing you have even suggested a mad idea like yorkshire and still nowt it's not worth it is it cut your losses and move away he will find out how to compromise the hard way

DeusEx · 31/08/2018 23:19

And it is blackmail.

Sisterlove · 31/08/2018 23:20

I'd be happy to consider ANY other suggestions but he's giving me none

Can you come up with other suggestions? As you keep saying you're open to other suggestions, but Yorkshire is all you've put on the table.

Even without a second child, a one bedroomed place isn't big enough and you'd need to move in a few years anyway.

DeusEx · 31/08/2018 23:21

“After an argument today that went nowhere I relented and said fine I will abort the baby so it doesn't cause you any more inconvenience.”

Outrageous emotional blackmail.

NasdaqYouTwat · 31/08/2018 23:22

Have you suggested anywhere other than Yorkshire?

WyfOfBathe · 31/08/2018 23:26

I think you need a discussion with DP where you both lay down your requirements, eg you = not having an abortion, having 2+ bedrooms. him = being close to family.

There are plenty of places in London where you can get a 2-bed flat for what you currently pay for a 1-bed. There are also places in London and the commuter belt where you can get a 3-bed or house with garden for that money.

Zoopla allows you to search by commute time. You could put in his DC's address and see what you can find within an hour of their home. www.zoopla.co.uk/travel-time/

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 23:26

@AnnieAnoniMoose juggling wasn't the right word, what I meant was I'm shouldering all of the worry and all of the "thinking ahead" on my shoulders whilst he carries on as normal not discussing baby or moving, other than to say "its up to me" what I do about the baby but he will support me however I choose to proceed, but not wanting to discuss moving.

I feel like conversations need to be had so we can find a compromise, and after reading all of your replies I'm prepared to scrap the Yorkshire idea. He just isn't bringing anything to the table discussion wise.

I don't think its normal to be so "uninvolved" when your partner is pregnant and panicking about housing, I'd respect him more if he turned to me and said "sorry I really do not want this baby" because then I'd have the tools to decide whether or not I wanted to stay with him.

He's leaving too many questions unanswered, he has a big problem with communicating

Contrary to how I've come across here (I have read back and cringed, I will admit that) IRL im a very reasonable person, I communicate well and don't shoot him down or talk over him, I ask for his input and advice on things. I WISH he would make a decision once in a while

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 31/08/2018 23:27

I think you need to come up woth a viable siggestion. Tell him that you guys can't afford to stay put so you have lined up viewings next weekend and line up as many viewings as you can in viable flats/houses. The afterwards talk through them and see where he is.

He is acting like a dick who wants you to abort but if you don't want to be a single mum then you have to accept that and live with it. If he's a good dad to his DCs theres no reason he won't be to your baby when its born

Singlenotsingle · 31/08/2018 23:29

You could of course just go ahead and call his bluff? Have the baby, and obviously it will need equipment...that's another cot, bedding, pram/buggy, sterilizer, clothes, playmat etc. With the DD you've already got and all her stuff as well, there won't be room to move in your one bed flat. Surely he'll realise you can't all go on living there? It might even be in Brea b of your tenancy agreement to havc 2 DC in a one bed flat

Original poster
Babydusst · 31/08/2018 23:29

I think the core of this is that he doesn't want the baby but doesn't want to outright say as much.

Surely if he had any desire to make it work he'd suggest something, even inside London, but nope. Nada.

"I don't really want to move areas" is all I get.

We're in S London right now and not a fantastic area so probably a lot cheaper than some parts.

I'll look into Romford, Kent and other suggestions and see what he says

OP posts:
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