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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

387 replies

Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:06

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already Sad

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 01/09/2018 16:55

If you get married it can have a tax advantage. Doesn't have to be expensive, either. Just the license, really, you don't need a wedding to be married.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/09/2018 16:56

ItsCold According to the NHS site that info is correct, that's where I went to double check rather than use my memory!

What you are adding is an event, or events, that compromise the effectiveness, and ALL methods have those.

so perhaps promote that rather than being dismissive of evidence of coil failure. And I wasn't being dismissive of coil failure, I was being dismissive of a nasty poster who was trying to blame OP for something she had not control over. If only 1 in 100 women fall pregnant in a year form the coil, pill etc (also from the NHS site), then OP is one of those women.

But that STILL doesn't mean that she was remiss in not taking any further precautions. As she said in rebuttal to the same poster, who the hell does? You choose the contraceptive that best suits you, it has 99%+ effectiveness and your rely on that!

Original poster
Babydusst · 01/09/2018 17:00

Hmm the minds a ticking now with the talk of registry offices! I'd absolutely love to get married, not sure how DP would respond to that at this minute in time given the shock of the baby and financial situation Grin

OP posts:
MrsPatmore · 01/09/2018 17:04

If you are in SE London already then I'm sure you can find cheaper housing options in Dartford, Erith, Greenhithe (near Bluewater), even Gravesend which isn't too far away. I like Plumstead Common - green, family friendly, good transport links. Two bed terraces £1100.

TeddybearBaby · 01/09/2018 17:04

I sent you some links, I hope you got them ok x

Original poster
Babydusst · 01/09/2018 17:07

@TeddybearBaby will check messages now Teddy thank you :) x

OP posts:
LondonLassInTheCountry · 01/09/2018 17:07

You dont have to go North...

Lots of areas an hour or so out of London are cheaper than that...

Im about 70 miles out. For a 3 bedroom house its £700 a month

unicornchaser · 01/09/2018 17:19

When I started reading this thread I was fully prepared to tell you you were being totally brattish threatening an abortion if he wouldn't move to Yorkshire, all based on what your sister's living situation is there. And expecting him to be the only one to come up with alternatives to Yorkshire and not give any of your own.

But having read through it and now seeing you are prepared to look at other areas out with London but closer than Yorkshire then that's the best thing for everyone.

FWIW, I am 'stuck' living in a more expensive area that I wouldn't choose to be and facing future childcare costs (due first baby together next month, My family live hours away and could provide free childcare but it's just not possible to move that far away)
because of step child's location. But I knew this when things got serious with DP, as you also did. It's not new information. No way would I consider asking him to move so far away from his child, of course that's going to shut him down to any considerations of moving.

But you can easily compromise and find somewhere cheaper but that is still realistic in terms of seeing his kids.

Hope you find a compromise in terms of locations that suit you both, unfortunately though I think you need to be the one who gives up more in your ideal location than him so he can maintain the relationship with his other children as they are used to.

Good luck!

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 01/09/2018 17:36

Can you say which stations his older DC live close to? Some places outside London are a quicker train journey on a direct route than travelling across central London.

How long are his DC likely to stay in that area? If they are teens will they be heading to uni or wanting their own place in the next couple of years? You may find that the high housing costs also cause his dc to move away

In the short term living within a reasonably close distance to his elder DC is the right thing to do, but in honesty longer term once they are adults I'd hope to move outside London (unless housing costs come down substantially). Being a nurse is fantastic but I don't think the salary goes that far in London tbh

Once his older kids are grown up and spreading their wings will he be willing to move somewhere outside London? Or does he really want to stay there forever?

ItsColdNow · 01/09/2018 17:39

@CuriousaboutSamphire thank you for going over your meaning. I totally agree and we weren’t using any other methods as we thought the one we were using was enough. I was shocked by how many failures the hospital see and would’ve liked to have known!!
Thanks again!

OrdinarySnowflake · 01/09/2018 18:06

If he has family links to Iuton, I'd consider it, it's had a lot of investment and the train links to London are very good, plus you will have moved out of London to the right side for your extended family.

If his dcs are teens now, realistically is it possible to consider a Yorkshire move in 5 years time when your dcs are still primary aged, but his older dcs are adults? Putting it back on a table for when his dcs are in their early 20s isn't unreasonable. (Its not given his dcs will settle in London either!)

It does sound like your dp just couldn't see a good solution so just wanted the problem to go away, rather than not wanting another baby at all.

moredoll · 01/09/2018 18:24

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-58963777.html#_full-description

3 bed, 1 min from Harold Wood station, garden, £1000pcm. Posted yesterday. It's unfurnished tho.

Original poster
Babydusst · 01/09/2018 18:40

I'm looking through all of the links posted on the thread and through message (thank you all) and I'm very pleasantly surprised about what's available without going too far out!

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 01/09/2018 18:42

There seems to be a misconception that kids don't need you around when they become teenage. They do, even more so sometimes, just in a different way

ItsColdNow · 01/09/2018 18:51

@Missingstreetlife very much depends on their age? If they are at uni the moving and being able to offer them somewhere to come and stay and be spoiled is supporting them, equally being a short journey but able to offer more than currently is still supporting them. Currently they can drop in but not stay? OP seems to be very sensitive to them and the whole thread also.

ManyCrisps · 01/09/2018 19:31

@Babydusst there are many good options in Bexley.

whatsagoodusername · 01/09/2018 19:57

If you start a new thread with your requirements, you'll probably get great suggestions on areas.

Just say where you need to be able to get to easily (DC, work, schools) and budgets. There are a lot of people here who love searching Rightmove.

wildbhoysmama · 01/09/2018 20:24

manycrisps are you fucking serious? ALL the North is shit? You keep thinking that if it means you'll stay away. We don't need prejudiced, small-minded, parochial people here. As I look out at stunning mountain scenery I pity you.

MyOtherProfile · 01/09/2018 20:32

@wildbhoysmama I almost rose to it but decided it isn't worth it. No point engaging with someone who has such racist, ignorant opinions. Enjoy your view!

Doubletrouble99 · 01/09/2018 21:00

So all the North is shit is it? Manycrisp - I wouldn't move back to the SE for anything. You haven't a bloody clue what your talking about.

gamerchick · 01/09/2018 21:36

So all the North is shit is it? Manycrisp - I wouldn't move back to the SE for anything. You haven't a bloody clue what your talking about

Ah everyone has their thing about different parts of the country. I make no bones that I think London is a toilet and you couldn't pay me to live there. People dont like that either. It's all gravy Grin

LyndorCake · 01/09/2018 21:59

Unless you have lived in every city/town/village/area/street in the whole of the UK, I don't see how you can make a sweeping statement that all of the north is shit manycrisp.

MajorBumsore · 01/09/2018 22:44

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-75022901.html

What about this OP? Presume you are New Cross way at the moment.

wildbhoysmama · 01/09/2018 23:00

myotherprofile I shouldn't have risen either! But grrrr...

selly24 · 01/09/2018 23:04

Difficult situation.
There is definitely a compromise to be had here though.

Unless he lives in the same neighbourhood as his older children, crossing London can take significant time anyway...
Could you look at areas which are under 1 hour to the mainline station nearest his older children. In your current flat is the kitchen separate from the living room
( hoping that is a yes ) as then you could convert each of the 2 rooms into bed sitting rooms/ nursery area with some creativity and good layout/ design