To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

Breach

You must both be aware that aborting the baby isn't going to solve the problem, because you can't stay in a one bedroom flat for ever - so the reality is that you will have to move out of your current area anyway unless your income increases substantially. Can you force your partner to confront that fact, present him with some of the nearby alternatives that people on here have suggested, and say that there literally isn't a choice but to move out of your current area whether you keep the baby or not?

Thank you for making me realise Yorkshire was an unreasonable request. I will put that to him when he gets home from work in the morning. I hope once that's off the table from my POV he will be open to compromising but I have a feeling he's going to remain a brick wall.

I know him inside out and this avoidance behaviour is typical of him when he wants to get out of something and pretend it isn't happening. He buries his head when he doesn't want to face up to difficult situations.

Op.. I can totally see your dilemma. I sense you feel powerless yet wholly responsible and this is why you are suggesting or contemplating extreme measures such as moving to Yorkshire.
I''ve been with a bloke like this. It is surprisingly, shockingly exhausting.
Time for a calm sit-down and saying it how it is. Forget entirely about housing for now, and present him with the facts: i.e., "you are abnegating responsibility, not about housing but about our future. Real dads (or mums) are brave and decisive. Ehat are we going to do about this ituation together??"

Some people, for whatever reason, are passive because it suits them to have others making the important calls: what car to buy/ which school.to choose/ what approach to raising kids to adopt, etc etc etc...Only you know if you can hack that aŕangement long term ....

You obviously can’t stay in a cramped one bedroom flat with two young DC and step DC who regularly visit, it just isn’t fair on anyone. Your DD needs her own space now and you should share with the baby for a while so a two bed is much more viable. Agreed with pp’s on it not needing to be three bed if the baby is a boy for at least another 5/6 years.

I think your DP is being ruddy unreasonable insisting you have to stay in the one bed flat, that seems to be his sticking point and it doesn’t even make much sense. You’re paying over the odds for a flat that simply is inadequate even if you did terminate and that’s what your DP needs to accept.

My DF moved to London from Yorkshire when I was eight. I regularly would visit him or him me most weekends. It was expensive for him and as I got older, a palaver for me that I just couldn’t be arsed with most of the time so our once close relationship really suffered. I don’t think it’s fair to expect DP to move so far away from his DC. Lots of logistics at play there, Christmas for example? School events? It wouldn’t save you any money as a family, put it that way and his DC may grow to resent him. Not worth it.

Your choices are:
Move to a cheaper area within Greater London or surrounding areas with DP
Leave DP and move to Yorkshire alone

If you choose the latter, I’d do it before your DD is enrolled in school. It’s much more complicated to up and move once schools are involved.

The north isn't automatically cheaper than anywhere in the south!

It just is though. For people doubting the fact you can get a 3 bed house for £600pcm in Yorkshire, try Leeds or Bradford or Wakefield or Pontefract or just about anywhere in yorkshire come to think of it . Only places you’d likely struggle would be York, Harrogate, Ilkley, Hebden Bridge etc.

DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

Why? My friend’s teen boy/girl twins share a room. It’s maybe not ideal but certainly not a problem!

You can’t move hundreds of miles away-making it horribly difficult for your Dp to see his kids for the weekend (Yorkshire to London on a Friday night won’t be fun for anyone!) just to get a three-bedroomed house that you don’t need.

@ohnothanks I'm glad you can relate but sorry at the same time! Its so emotionally draining. He just doesn't communicate at all. He makes zero decisions, even when it comes to bloody dinner its always "its up to you"

I feel so anxious and desperate that all of the responsibility and worry surrounding this pregnancy has fallen onto me.

I keep trying to discuss calmly but he doesn't engage or offer anything into the discussion so it ends up with me becoming annoyed and ranting about how he isn't communicating with me.

He says he has trouble communicating how he feels sometimes, I get that but this is a big thing its not something he can just sweep under the carpet which is what he's doing.

I'm laid in bed feeling very anxious and spaced out as a result of it, its not healthy

I know him inside out and this avoidance behaviour is typical of him when he wants to get out of something and pretend it isn't happening. He buries his head when he doesn't want to face up to difficult situations.

Well he can't get out of it for all his children's sakes.

You are making him confront a problem that he thought he could put off until your current child is at school. Even then there is no guarantee he would move then.

Is there anyone - family, close friend - he will listen to? If so rope them into helping you to get your DP to get with the idea he has to move further out.

Unfortunately inner London is unaffordable for a lot of people and they have to move. However one advantage of moving further out is that some areas are more green and leafy so you have more parks and open spaces to spend recreation time in with all the children even in winter.

@OutPinked

'I don’t think it’s fair to expect DP to move so far away from his DC. Lots of logistics at play there, Christmas for example? School events? It wouldn’t save you any money as a family, put it that way and his DC may grow to resent him. Not worth it.'

Won't this all apply if OP and the DC move to Yorkshire without him?

south east or south west London? you can find 3 beds for your budget on the outskirts of south east, i.e. www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-66864703.html

I also think sofa bed in the living room and children have the bedroom.

*nasdaq good point, suppose I didn’t consider that. He can’t be in two places at once so how would he be a weekend dad to both sets of DC in different parts of the country.

Really, you’re a bit stuck OP. You could take PP’s advice and invest in a sofa bed for the time being but it’s really not ideal.

If he says the decision on where to live is "up to you", take him at his word. Find somewhere sensible to live with two bedrooms located not too far from his older children, tell him that you're moving there and give notice on the current flat. If he complains, point out that he left the decision to you so you've taken it.

You need to just calm down and get on with things, hard I know but panicking isn’t helping, it’s just pushing his head further into the sand.

You are having the baby (but seriously get super sorted with contraception after the birth, I hope it wasn’t the coil). Carry on looking after yourself and getting past 12 weeks and scans etc. It may sink in with a bit of time, space and seeing the scan. You have time, renting is quicker to move. It’s also possible to stay put if unavoidable, babies don’t need space and London is full of parks and things to do. Plus it will be spring time when baby arrives. It may be that your DP needs to see it all for himself and doesn’t have the foresight you have - my DH is similar but also panics and retreats. Remember two kids is normal but four kids to look after is a big responsibility, especially if you don’t have jobs that can pay for them in London. He is panicking, just expressing it in a different way.

For godsake cancel the appointment tomorrow.

How about having the baby and staying put? Sofa bed in living room, DC share bedroom.

That's really not a viable long term solution. What about when they need somewhere quiet for homework? Where do the older children go?

We are opposite personality types which causes a clash when it comes to important life events or decisions that need to be made

I'm a talker and like to communicate, he on the other hand retreats into himself and won't talk. It is typical of him to spend an hour sat on the sofa biting his nails through a bitter silence only to then leave for work whilst there's a bad atmosphere.

I'm then left feeling invalidated and unsupported, which in turn makes me sad and angry.

He has a lot of good qualities otherwise I would never have gotten serious with him, but I'd be lying if I said I wasnt aware of his "communication difficulties" I just always overlooked that because I loved him and we don't tend to argue, well not like we are now.

There's no passion behind his limited input, its like he has no opinion and nothing to say beyond the fact he likes living where we do. I expected to see some fire in his belly, some willingness to talk, nothing.

For posters who haven't read my recent updates I've accepted Yorkshire is unreasonable and off the cards

We moved out of London 30 years ago because of expensive housing costs and having two small DC in a bad area because it was all we could afford. However, my DH had a job and was offered a transfer to the South West and we had no SC to consider.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want to think about this now but for your DH at the moment either the baby is unwanted or abstract as it is not here yet. It is not ideal for him to move that far away from his other DC so I think finding a solution closer to home is a better idea but maybe backing off and letting him come to terms with the fact you need to find a solution would be better than pushing him when he is determined not to act at the moment. Not ideal to have 2 small children in a one bed flat but hopefully once he realises this he will be more open to compromise. Alternatively leave him and move up north nearer your family. I would strongly urge you not to abort if you don't want to.

I pay £150 less than you a month for my 1 bed in London, right next to an overground and southern train station, so there are other options out there!

Being honest, I don't think either of you sounds particularly mature -

The fact is that you already need to move to a bigger place than you've got already even without the second child, your partner doesn't seem to have a very realistic idea of the future.

If you wanted to move closer to family in Yorkshire that was never going to happen if you had kids with someone who already had kids in London.

Throwing around a threat of an abortion that you're obviously not going to have isn't helping.

I would just start researching areas in London or HC that are an easy distance from his first 2 children but are less expensive, choose the best area you can afford then start looking at houses round there. Just present it as a fait accompli when you've found somewhere.

Ultimately if he point blank refuses to move then you and your dc are obviously not a particularly high priority and you splitting up at some point would be inevitable. Better you find out now then down the line.

I've sent him a text to read on his break, I've written this

"OK so I've sought some advice and realised that moving so far out is unreasonable, I'm prepared to accept that and I'm sorry. That being said can you please "check in" a bit and try to come up with another suggestion because I don't want to have this termination and I feel very alone in all of this because you're not communicating with me and I really need for us to be able to talk and come up with a suggestion that works for everybody"

I know it's annoying to have to make all the running, but why do you keep putting the onus on him to come up with another suggestion just because you put forward the Yorkshire idea first, which was clearly always a non-starter? Why don't you put forward the sort of areas that people have suggested on this thread?

That sounds very fair OP, I hope it opens up a dialogue between you. Good luck!

You can get 2 bed houses/flats for £1250 in Norwood/Streatham which is south London.

I didn't mean for the talk of abortion to sound like a threat, if it were one it wouldn't have worked as I don't feel he is at all happy about the pregnancy and I could tell that from the start. I have nothing to gain by making threats, I'm just very worried about the future.

Me considering one very reluctantly was because I feel desperate and alone in the situation, not because I want to twist his arm to a direction that suits me

He would probably be happier If I did abort but he's not the sort to make such a demand, he's already said it is not his body so the choice has to be mine.

He has replied to my text and said we will get some professional housing advice through the council or other organisations they can signpost us to for information.

That is a start and I'm satisfied with that, had he said that in the beginning I'd have felt more reassured.

I hope he just needed to hear me say I've dropped the Yorkshire thing, which I have as I understand its just not feasible