To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

FASH it was just an example. Like I said, I'm sure there are loads more. It would help if we knew exactly where OP lives.

Please don’t abort, OP.

OP did I miss why you can't move a bit further out of London? This seems like a solution. Surely you can find the money for the deposit if the alternative is an abortion? 😕

To clarify we aren't entitled to social housing and even if we were there are hundreds of thousands on waiting lists in London. Whether that would change when baby comes I don't know as technically by then we would be overcrowded.

I'm catching up with the comments I'll try to answer everybody x

Please don't and your baby over this. There's a compromise in there somewhere, and you will need bigger accommodation for your current DC very soon anyway! How long does youk DP think you will all sleep in the same bedroom for?

Why are you surprised that he is prioritising his children - here, growing up and very much present - over a pregnancy?
I also agree that no-one should be forced into termination, however right now you are talking as if there are only two options - move far north (and Yorkshire is far, and especially as DCs get older they will not want to do the commute often), or stay and terminate. This is not fair.

There are cheaper places in and near London, you mention the upfront money needed but if you are renting you've already got a big deposit in the protection scheme so that's not an additional cost, especially if you can find a flat at an equal or lower rate. Or if you really can't afford a bigger flat ) won't move in London, don't have a decent job, and won't compromise on his desire to look after all his existing DCs, then you either need to be considering what are your options for going it alone, or for not going ahead with this pregnancy.

Won't you have to move from your current place very soon anyway since it only has one bedroom? So staying put is not an option.

ladyvimes I said I didn't know area, I was just showing that it is possible to find a house without going to Yorkshire it was the first one I saw that had reasonable decor and space, the house is fine but I agree it might be a decent house in wrong place

I see his point about not wanting to move away from his older kids, and I respect him for that.

Living costs in the north (especially Yorkshire) are a hell of a lot cheaper. But, jobs aren't always easy to come by. I think you can get a fast train from York to kings cross in about 1.5 hours, but if he did that (so 4 journeys a weekend - he would need to go to London, collect children, come back to new house; then the same on the return leg) it would easily take up any spare cash your saving by moving

Can you take on additional evening/weekend work with the main aim of saving that for a deposit on a new place. Maybe look to move further out of London; but with a easy distance for him to get the kids.

Alternatively can your current agents switch you to a bigger house the rent would be More (saving you the cost of fees, deposits etc as they would transfer from old house to new.

Why would you need a 3-bed if the baby's a boy? You'll be fine in a 2-bed with the two children sharing. Give them the biggest bedroom and it's a playroom too, with bunk beds.

That'll keep you going until your dd's 7 or 8 by which time your lives will be different.

Don’t abort, you clearly don’t want to & it’s not the right decision for you. All your posts clearly show you don’t want to & you’ll regret it. Speak to a counsellor first, if you do this because he won’t move you will start to resent him and your relationship will break down.

After an argument today that went nowhere I relented and said fine I will abort the baby so it doesn't cause you any more inconvenience. I said I don't want to have a termination but feel on my own with all of this and you're not discussing alternative living arrangements or considering a compromise. He sat there looking sullen whilst I called the abortion clinic and made a booking for a telephone consultation, that is tomorrow.

I get that you are hurting and emotional, but that kind of blackmail is low.

I have step children (and children who spend part of each week with their father). I am astonished you think it would be remotely ok to even suggest their dad moves hours away from his current children. That option needs to be off the table.
I have family in Yorkshire too but I wouldn’t dream of moving my children hours from their dad or suggesting DP moved hours away from his children.

It would be sensible though to start looking at affordable housing options within a reasonable range of London. We are an hour from London on the train (plus a short drive) and you could get a reasonable home for substantially less than your rent. And there are plenty of employment opportunities so no need to worry about commuting costs.

The distance is too far from London to up north.

It doesn't matter if it's just EOW he sees them, it's too far. The drive and distance and expense will be an issue. The stress, bad weather etc

YABVU

Would you want to be that far away from your DC?

We would need to move very soon regardless of this baby yes, there's not enough from here for DD alone

The problem is we can't afford it, we wojke get £1000 back which is our deposit but nothing else.

I admit I was being a bit pre emptive suggesting Yorkshire, it was out of desperation more than anything. Panic.

My Dsis lives in Huddersfield she has a 1 bed council flat which is £55 per week. The difference in price is astronomical. I've seen houses in that area for 500-600per month for lovely big properties with period features and plenty of space.

I do understand his not wanting to move, I really do, that's why I've posted here instead of relationships as I'm well aware I sound selfish.

The problem is I probably am, all I'm thinking about is a better future for DD and unborn that I know we can't give them where we are.

I must add that you're also minimising everything to suit you.

I actually did somthing simular a few years ago. We lived in Central London and moved around 200 miles to live in a cheaper area and start a family.

It was an 8 hour round trip for dh to pick up sc's. So travel all day Friday, spend Saturday together then drive all day Sunday. It was exhausting for him and pointless as they spent no real quality time together. Its also expensive, petrol, wear and tear on the car and food on the road. Dh was stressed, tired, fed up and having to take a whole day off work for the trip. He was then miserable for the time he had sc's.

We've now moved again, closer to sc, it's not as cheap as where we were before but it's cheaper than London. I wish we'd just moved here in the first place.

Honestly I would consider moving out of London but still close to his kids. Otherwise the trip to get them will be too much. But please don't terminate your baby because of this. You will find a way to work it out.

Is there housing advice centre near you? Shelter website useful.
Think this is a money, housing problem. Try to seperate that out from do you want the baby. Ask him would he want the baby if housing, money not so tight? Don't have a termination in anger, go and explore options and make a reasonable decision that you can justify to yourself. You have a little time and you don't need to move immediately.
Do what is best for you and existing dc, but think about it

@CrochetBelle its not blackmail I really am on the Verge of making a decision I know I will regret because I don't see a way out of this, he's closed down. He's not giving options. I wouldn't resort to blackmail. I'm devastated because I don't feel like he's helping me at all

Why are you having another child when you're struggling as you are?

If you don't want an abortion please please don't go ahead with it, you'll never get over it and your resentment towards your DP will escalate. Also, imagine your DD finding out the reason you had an abortion?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable and dramatic in suggesting Yorkshire. No wonder your DP has closed down communication. You say his children would be welcome to stay with you but come on be realistic, they are rarely going to want to travel 6 hours to see you, and I think you know that deep down.

Why on earth not look for other solutions? Make a list of other properties and travel distance with places closer to London.

I think it's pretty safe to say your DP will soon realise that a 1 bed flat isn't viable with two when the baby arrives! So you may need to wait until then for reality to hit home.

@Sisterlove minimising what exactly?

You don’t need to move from a 1bdrm flat to a 3bdrm house. You just don’t. Look for 2bdrm flats in the area you’re in now. Ask DP how you’re going to afford the difference.

You have options. If you chose to have a termination then you need to own it, not blame him for ‘making’ you do it. Have the termination if YOU want it, don’t if you don’t.

How about having the baby and staying put? Sofa bed in living room, DC share bedroom.

Or move to Yorkshire on your own...

Your DP seems very separate from you. Won't discuss moving, won't discuss options. He doesn't sound like a partner.

@Missingstreetlife I asked him whether he'd "want" the baby more if we didn't have these stressors and he said of course he would