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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what you think of people who don't drive?

260 replies

Landtosea · 31/08/2018 15:22

So I'm late in life to learning to drive for a variety of reasons, a lot of them to do with driving causing me quite a bit of anxiety. I don't generally tell people this is this the reason though.

So recently I got a new job and it was raised in the interview that I don't drive - driving wasn't listed as an essential criteria but it was asked as part of the application process. I still got the job but it was mentioned that I should start learning, which I have but it's going pretty slowly, unfortunately. As part of my job about once a month I have to go to a site which isn't easy to get to on public transport and if colleagues are going they always offer lifts, and I feel so embarrassed and wonder if they think I'm a total loser for not being able to drive. I try not to tell people if I don't have to as I'm really ashamed of it but obviously in this context it's not possible for me to hide it. My colleagues always offer and are really nice about it but they probably judge me or talk about it behind my back (or perhaps I'm just projecting). They get their mileage paid for by work but I know it's still annoying to drive others and they probably will get annoyed about it if I don't get my license soon.

I know a lot of people on this forum talk about CFs who always expect lifts but I hate getting them and will turn down social invitations saying I'm busy because I know people often feel obliged to offer lifts if I explain it'll be difficult/impossible to get there. I don't want to be seen as a sponge and although a lot of people say not driving doesn't inhibit them, it definitely does for me and I can't see how it doesn't for others - so many people's houses and activities aren't easily accessed by public transport unless you're in London.

What do you think of people who don't drive? Do you think less of them or am I just imagining it?

OP posts:
Jeippinghmip · 31/08/2018 15:26

I think they are probably healthier as they no doubt walk more than I do.

GlassSuppers · 31/08/2018 15:26

I don't think less of people if it doesn't change anything I have to do, if I am already at work and am driving somewhere and then back to work then I don't mind at all, I do mind if I have to pick them up and drop them at home if it's not on my usual route IYSWIM

Pearlgrey1 · 31/08/2018 15:29

I often feel the same although I think we both maybe be slightly over thinking the situation. It’s likely more our own paranoia than others actually being bothered when offering lifts . My driving anxiety is terrible I fail every time, I despise lessons even though I’m at a safe and what is deemed should be able to pass level

Imamouseduh · 31/08/2018 15:29

I’ll be honest, if it affects me - as in I have to do all the driving, I find it bloody annoying and selfish. If it doesn’t affect me I don’t care at all.

ilovesushi · 31/08/2018 15:30

I wouldn't worry too much about what others think. They probably don't actually think about it much at all and it sounds like you are very mindful of not imposing, so I am sure you are not causing any resentment. If you do want to start driving and feel overwhelmed by it, I would recommend going for an automatic car. I lived in London most my adult life and genuinely never felt the need to drive, then moved to the countryside in my late 30s and was stranded without one. I was very very very nervous and under-confident about driving, but learned on an automatic and passed first time. I now actually love driving which is lucky as I have a long but scenic daily commute.
Don't stress about others, do what works for you! x

Takesthefeckingbiscuit · 31/08/2018 15:32

What you're describing isn't CFery. If people have offered you a lift then you should feel free to accept - they don't have to offer!
The only non driving (ex) friend I've had that went too far was making arrangements for her own social life on the basis that I'd drive her around, but didn't actually bother to check first. This included a trip to somewhere nearly 200 miles away. Now that was a CF!

lastqueenofscotland · 31/08/2018 15:32

My DP can drive but hasn’t for years as he lived in a large overseas city where no one drove.
It does occasionally annoy me if I’m being completely honest...

marvellousnightforamooncup · 31/08/2018 15:33

It's their choice. I drive now but didn't get a car until my 30s. My DH didn't pass his test until he was 50.

Seniorschoolmum · 31/08/2018 15:33

I think they can’t drive and that’s their business.
They might have a phobia or a drink driving conviction or epilepsy or simply want to save the planet. Whichever, it isn’t my business. If I’m going their way, I will happily offer a lift.

I don’t know anyone who would mind. Why would they?

LongSummerDays · 31/08/2018 15:33

I don't drive for a number of reasons so I never judge if someone doesn't! Grin

claraschu · 31/08/2018 15:34

I feel a lot of respect. Driving contributes significantly to major problems in our society- pollution, congestion, obesity, et al. The people I know who don't drive are all expert walkers, bicyclers, and users or public transport. They are not people who selfishly try to cadge inconvenient rides from their car driving friends.

NameChangedAgain18 · 31/08/2018 15:35

I don't think less of them unless they start expecting me to drive them around. For example, DH is visiting a non-driving friend tomorrow, 150 miles away (and returning the next day). Friend was expecting him to drive them, plus friends' kids, around to other places, including somewhere 50 miles away over the weekend. I definitely judged.

brassbrass · 31/08/2018 15:36

I know 3 people who have never learned. One is bipolar and I think their reason has something to do with that. Fair enough.

The other two I have no idea why not but it does present problems when trying to meet up as we always have to factor in their access to transport which often feels like they do all the choosing and we do all the compromising. Difficult to explain but it impacts timings as well so just creates tension.

CherryBlossom23 · 31/08/2018 15:36

I certainly don't think anything bad about them. Maybe they have a slight phobia or just can't get the hang of driving. I was raised in the countryside where you had to drive in order to get anywhere, so part of me wonders if life is more difficult not being able to drive - I love being able to take off somewhere without having to wait for a bus/train but others might not want that or mind it.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 31/08/2018 15:36

I think if you don't drive then that's fine, but it's your responsibility to live somewhere that you can get around without driving.
I live rurally and there are a couple of people living here who don't drive and then complain that they can't get around very easily. That really irritates me!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 31/08/2018 15:37

I find it a bit annoying. I would hate it if my partner didn't drive and I had to do the drives everywhere. I also find people (in my experience it has been women) who won't drive on motorways annoying. I think it's a bit selfish not to learn and to expect other people to drive you around. I think it's very selfish to learn and then refuse to drive when you don't feel comfortable. You have to try motorway/city/night driving to be comfortable with it. We all learn how to do this we weren't just born knowing and feeling 100% at ease. By all means practise with a family member until you are comfortable but don't just refuse to do it.

My above comments only apply if there is no medical/mental health reason obviously!!!

applesisapple5 · 31/08/2018 15:38

I drive but learned quite late, I don't think anything about it if someone doesn't drive.
Even people who drive get lifts often; I'm often driven to site or driving others to site as it's easier than taking multiple cars, I don't mind either at all and it doesn't have to be reciprocal; I don't keep a tally.
In fact my DP just passed his test and wants to 'pay me back' for the years of me driving, but I don't want that or I'll get rusty!

HolyMountain · 31/08/2018 15:38

I don't drive because I would be a bloody menace on the road.

I was completely useless when it came to changing gear, making a judgement at a roundabout or junction, I came out in a red blotchy rash [what I get when I'm stressed and nervous] and felt sick, plus I didn't retain any information.

I don't like it and I hope I'm not judged because of it, I walk everywhere too.

TroubledLichen · 31/08/2018 15:39

I’ll be honest, if it affects me - as in I have to do all the driving, I find it bloody annoying and selfish. If it doesn’t affect me I don’t care at all.
^THIS

Topseyt · 31/08/2018 15:39

I do drive, but I don't judge people who don't for whatever reason.

I don't particularly enjoy driving (even though I am glad I can) and I can really understand why it causes some people such anxiety. If I am honest, I just drive because I have to as public transport is sparse and unreliable where we live.

They have accepted you for the job, you are learning to drive even if progress seems slow and you are doing your best. I think it sounds as though you are doing OK.

Returnofthesmileybar · 31/08/2018 15:43

I ended a long term relationship over it, it annoyed the shit out of me but because it effected me, it doesn't bother me otherwise

Hassled · 31/08/2018 15:45

I think they're probably people like me, people who don't drive for a variety of reasons. When I was the sort of age most people learn I had no opportunity/money to learn. Then I lived in London for years - no need to learn. Then my oldest DC got hit by a car, and then I lost my nerve. It seems terrifying - and I have no spacial awareness and can't tell left from right without thinking about it, so it's probably just as well.
I cycle or walk or bus or taxi - I don't scrounge lifts, and it's never really held me back.

All non-drivers have reasons why they don't drive - and if it's a valid reason to them then it's a valid reason. So if you want to learn then great - good luck to you - but please don't worry about the judgement of others. People are pretty understanding on the whole.

MadisonMontgomery · 31/08/2018 15:47

I think driving is an essential part of adult life, and unless someone has a medical reason why they can’t I find it a bit annoying tbh - mainly because everyone I have known who hasn’t been able to drive have expected lifts everywhere.

Charmatt · 31/08/2018 15:48

I'm sure there is a reason why people don't drive and would never judge them for it. I enjoy driving but I understand why others may not want to do it.

I actually have the opposite problem. Several people I know seem to think there is a problem with me driving when my husband is in the car - as if he should always drive when we are out together.

I drive at least 50%of the time on holiday but I get questioned as to why, especially on narrower roads, and on and off ferries. I think they think I should just potter around in my car and sit meekly in the passenger sea when my husband is in the car. I've never had an accident so I just don't understand this old fashioned view.

He's not bothered at all - he doesn't particularly like driving but he's happy to do his share.

tworoundsofwaterplease · 31/08/2018 15:49

Non drivers don't bother me
Non drivers who want to do things with me but expect me to pick me up/drop them off, they annoy me. I am generous with my offering of lifts but it is something to be offered, not to be assumed.

It isn't just the actual lift itself either. It's people who do things like;

-Arrange a time to be picked up and then keep me waiting for ages usually on a main road and/or somewhere difficult to park or ask me to park and come in....I said I'd pick you up.I didn't say I'd wait for you or come in incurring parking charges or having to park miles away.

-Have me give them a lift somewhere then get annoyed when there isn't parking at the venue and they can't be chauffeured straight through the door but rather have a bit of a walk.

-Want a lift home but keep me waiting past the time I said I'd leave due to being busy talking/wanting another glass of wine/having to find their coat/say bye to everyone etc.

grumpyodlady

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