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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what you think of people who don't drive?

260 replies

Landtosea · 31/08/2018 15:22

So I'm late in life to learning to drive for a variety of reasons, a lot of them to do with driving causing me quite a bit of anxiety. I don't generally tell people this is this the reason though.

So recently I got a new job and it was raised in the interview that I don't drive - driving wasn't listed as an essential criteria but it was asked as part of the application process. I still got the job but it was mentioned that I should start learning, which I have but it's going pretty slowly, unfortunately. As part of my job about once a month I have to go to a site which isn't easy to get to on public transport and if colleagues are going they always offer lifts, and I feel so embarrassed and wonder if they think I'm a total loser for not being able to drive. I try not to tell people if I don't have to as I'm really ashamed of it but obviously in this context it's not possible for me to hide it. My colleagues always offer and are really nice about it but they probably judge me or talk about it behind my back (or perhaps I'm just projecting). They get their mileage paid for by work but I know it's still annoying to drive others and they probably will get annoyed about it if I don't get my license soon.

I know a lot of people on this forum talk about CFs who always expect lifts but I hate getting them and will turn down social invitations saying I'm busy because I know people often feel obliged to offer lifts if I explain it'll be difficult/impossible to get there. I don't want to be seen as a sponge and although a lot of people say not driving doesn't inhibit them, it definitely does for me and I can't see how it doesn't for others - so many people's houses and activities aren't easily accessed by public transport unless you're in London.

What do you think of people who don't drive? Do you think less of them or am I just imagining it?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2018 15:49

I don't drive, I am learning in an automatic and in my early 40's, failed 4 manual tests, 20 years ago, and just passed my theory first time. Like you, I have anxiety, and I have had hypnotherapy to enable me to learn as it was so bad. There are a list of conditions stated by the DVLSA in which people cannot drive, judging by the length of it, most people would not be able to drive.

I get buses or taxi to places, or dh gives me lifts to kids activities if he is not working. I hope that I am not a CF, I never ask for lifts, and insist i get there on my own if they are offered, if people are insistent on giving me a lift, which some friends are, then that is different.

LusaCole · 31/08/2018 15:51

To be honest with you, I don't know any adults who can't drive. I don't think I'd judge you but I guess it would seem surprising (given previous sentence!).

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 31/08/2018 15:53

I dont drive! I’ve tried to learn a few times, but I was in a car crash many years ago - not a serious one but I’m generally nervous in cars even as a passenger. I also have bad eyesight and can’t tell left from right. Genuinely, I think the roads are safer without me. Since leaving home, I’ve lived in large cities with good public transport, and I never again want to live in a rural area.

Holidayshopping · 31/08/2018 15:53

I’ll be honest, if it affects me - as in I have to do all the driving, I find it bloody annoying and selfish. If it doesn’t affect me I don’t care at all.

This!!

Twotailed · 31/08/2018 15:56

I don’t care unless it means I have to run them around all the time. But even then if I knew people had valid struggles like you have I would be understanding.

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 31/08/2018 15:56

It only bothers me if people think they are then entitled to lifts to places as it supposedly benefits me in some small way when in fact the hassle of going out of my way to give them the lift inconveniences me more

misskatamari · 31/08/2018 15:58

Like some others have said, if it doesn't affect me I don't care, as it's up to the person. I do think it must make life a bit more annoying sometimes tho as it's harder to nip to places etc when you can't drive.

Dh doesn't drive tho and that really annoys me! He has really bad anxiety around it, and I try to be understanding, but it does really piss me off sometimes that all the driving and getting us anywhere responsibilities come down to me. Especially when we go away etc, as I get anxious about it all being my job. I'm hoping he will get lessons again soon and hopefully pass his test, not so much so he will actually drive but just so I know he can if needed. So yeah, mixed opinions from me.

From what you've said tho, you don't sound like a cf at all so I would try not to worry on that count. If I was going somewhere and someone I worked with couldn't drive I would happily give them a lift

supersop60 · 31/08/2018 15:58

It doesn't bother me if people don't drive, I just can't understand why they don't want to. (Yes, I have RTFT and there are some very good reasons)
I couldn't wait to be independent, and my DD is the same.

pointythings · 31/08/2018 15:59

I think they must have reasons for not driving (yet). My H never drove because as a child he was in a very frightening road accident and had a phobia about it. It never bothered me at all, it was a genuine block to him learning to drive.

9amTrain · 31/08/2018 15:59

The world would be better if less cars were on the road and a lot more people were using public transport (and said public transport was efficient enough to cope with everyone).

samanthalou · 31/08/2018 15:59

I am only just learning to drive (34yo) for many reasons but the main one was that I was too nervous and couldn't face doing it.

I found a wonderful driving instructor who specialises in nervous/older learners and I'm loving it.

I get a lift in with a lady who lives near me and I sometimes feel like an idiot because I don't drive yet.

Not being able to drive frustrates me more at weekends and when I need to nip to the supermarket, or I fancy a macdonalds or I just generally want to get out of the house and I have to either a) walk b) ring the other half who lives a 10 minute drive from mine to pick me up and take me or c) stay in and not go.

I completely understand how you feel OP and I think that the majority of drivers aren't bothered by someone that doesn't drive unless they take the mick and use people as a (free) taxi service intentionally (not in the case where you are going to the same place and there may be space in the car and its easier for you to go with them anyway).

youarenot · 31/08/2018 16:00

I can't drive. I did take about 30-40 lessons when younger though.
Then I moved somewhere where I didn't need to drive, got married & one of the cut backs was lessons/driving as like I said, didn't need to.

Regret it now though but with 3DC and personal issues at the moment, can not possibly see how I'll be able to afford (both in time & financially!) to take lessons, test, insurance, car, tax, MOT etc.

samanthalou · 31/08/2018 16:00

I get a lift into work* sorry, it's been a long day!

chocatoo · 31/08/2018 16:01

I don't like driving but I do it because I feel that it is a life skill and I definitely don't want to have my plans affected by where and when I can get to places that I want or need to go.
I try to live my life with a live and let live policy but privately I confess that I do judge people who haven't got their licence for a non-reason.
It was an expensive, difficult process to get my licence but I persevered over quite a long period of time. I don't like giving lifts and feel uncomfortable when I feel an obligation to offer even when people haven't directly asked. Part of my discomfort is associated with the fact that I am not a very confident driver and would really be hoping that lifts would shared on a reciprocal basis.

witherwings · 31/08/2018 16:02

I am always a bit surprised as lived very rural when I was young so if I didn't drive I didn't go out.
I assume that a non-driver lived in a place with good transport links and never needed to drive.

funinthesun18 · 31/08/2018 16:07

Doesn’t bother me. People who automatically judge others for not driving really irritate me. I don’t expect lifts everywhere and can get myself from A to B myself thank you very much.

I can drive, I know how to drive. I just choose not to drive at the moment. If that annoys people then oh well their problem not mine.

prettygreywalls · 31/08/2018 16:08

I would think that you grew up in a largish town or city with good public transport and had no need to have driven as yet

I'm going to also say that the above is my grown up thought , I grew up in the sticks and you learnt to drive as soon as you could otherwise you were stuck and I was always amazed that other people ( town folk ) didn't bother to learn , but I lived in my own bubble like many late teens do

Grated · 31/08/2018 16:12

I pity them in some ways and envy them in others

MinaPaws · 31/08/2018 16:13

I can't drive and I feel constantly self conscious about it. Today I walked for miles rather than ask two old (but not particulalry close) friends to give me a lift even though I knew they were going to the same place. I knew they lknew I was going and can;t drive, so figured if they wanted to give me a lift they;d offer and if they didn't offer, then it was up to me to make my own way there, not pester them or make them feel awkward.

I can't drive due to really appalling hand to eye co ordination (can't catch a tennis ball - am lower than 1% of population in this skill, and can;t judge distances, so it's not laziness, it's consideration of other people;s safety on the road. But as I get older it irritates me more and more as I'd love to be fully independent to travel.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 31/08/2018 16:14

I drive but not on motorways - that seems to fox people Grin. I find an alternative route or go by train. I’ve tried motorway driving and it’s so anxiety-inducing it’s not worth it for any one!

thecatsthecats · 31/08/2018 16:15

I have no opinion about strangers who can't drive - my mum never passed her test, so I assume they have their reasons.

I do get a bit pissed off at my partner, who has tried in fits and starts, when he takes my driving for granted. Not the doing of it, or the impact in terms of drinking, but the fact that if I have to drive back from his parents 45m away, I don't want to wait til my usual bedtime hour to start when I'm knackered. He acts as if I'm being a party pooper when I'm sober, bored, and want to head home before I'm sleepy!

PatchworkGirl · 31/08/2018 16:16

I learned late and I'm not a confident driver now - if I'm honest I prefer to have someone else drive given the choice. I wouldn't think anything about someone who couldn't drive - there are lots of possible reasons for it.

Freshstart19 · 31/08/2018 16:19

I can't drive because health problems have prevented this.
If I can get public transport (which I can nearly all the time) I will, because I enjoy my own company and putting my headphones in and tuning out. Not always as fun with kids ha! But they love trains and buses, so win win.

I'm insured on my mum's car so I'm learning with her and hopefully will be ready for my test soon. Learning to drive and funding a car is expensive. So that's another issues in itself. Low income doesn't always allow this luxury. Although I'm saving so will be able to afford a car soon.

However I do enjoy driving and when I've passed I'll have no issues offering people lifts or being the driver, because I know how hard it is. I would never begrudge anyone help where I can.

I always offer petrol money if I'm getting a lift too. I never assume and I'm always thankful.

Thankfully my mum absolutely loves driving and always offers lifts. I try telling her I'm fine with public transport. But nope she wants to. She passed later in life and she says it's something she wasn't able to do for us as kids and it makes her happy to do it now.

I don't think I've ever come across anyone (unless otherwise busy) that is annoyed at offering friends and family lifts. Normally people are happy to help.

Try not to worry too much. You have your reasons. Some people have the luxury of driving and others don't. That the top and bottom of it.

WineGummyBear · 31/08/2018 16:19

I wouldn't judge.

I know 2 non-drivers who make significant and unreasonable demands on their life partners which I don't think is cool

I also know 2 non-drivers who lead a very low-fat on lifestyle which I think is impressive in modern life.

So you can't generalise.

DamnWhyAreAllTheUsernamesTaken · 31/08/2018 16:19

I think it’s selfish if you have a partner that does all the driving or if you have kids. If you live on your own then it only affects you and each to their own!