Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the fuck?! Massive l "rules tantrum".

176 replies

ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 13:33

I have an 11 year old who starts secondary school on Tuesday.
He has a smart phone and, what I consider, a fair amount of freedom.
He goes to the skate part about 10am and is home by 6pm. I check in with him several times a day. He constantly pushes for me freedom, I constantly feel like he's taking the absolute piss so I've set out some rules for when he starts secondary school.

1- no phone in the morning. He can have it as he leaves the house.
I got so sick of seeing him in his pants playing on his phone, having not got dressed, had breakfast, packed his bag etc etc etc

2- if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school. This will never be negotiable.

3- if he's allowed to go to the skate park after school he is home by 5.

4 - when he gets in it's no phone. Dinner and home work and then phone if it's all done.

5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.

If he gives me grief, nags, begs or pleads or is late, he's grounded for a week.

He's now in his room crying his eyes out because of how unfair the rules are. Hmm

OP posts:
MissusGeneHunt · 30/08/2018 13:36

IMHO I think house rules are part of growing up and learning more about appropriate boundaries. My rules with DS are similar, but he's had less freedom in primary school so they were perhaps less difficult to enforce. We seem to have found a good middle ground in the 2 years at High School but it'll be tougher this year! I don't think yabu.

Wheresthel1ght · 30/08/2018 13:37

Sorry but if you have allowed him so much freedom up to now I think you are being unreasonable to suddenly force such strict rules on him.

If you didn't like the amount of time he spent on his phone you should have done something to curtail it sooner.

Is there a way to soften the blow maybe? A test he is keen to have as a reward for accepting and adhering to the rules?

An agreement to review at October half term maybe required too.

LemonysSnicket · 30/08/2018 13:42

I think it's a good idea. Secondary is when he might start hanging out with the wrong kids at the skate park, not doing his homework and getting tangled up with cyber bullying on his phone. I would allow him to have friends over or to go to friends houses sometimes on a weekday though.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/08/2018 13:43

I think if I were him, I'd want some justification for No.s 2 and 5.

Will he not have any after school activities?

AsAProfessionalFekko · 30/08/2018 13:44

I agree about reviewing the rules at half term or end of term.

His head will be boggling once he starts senior school, and I assume there will be loads more homework anyway (so less school night playtime).

1- no phone in the morning.

  • absolutely. If he is ready to go early then maybe let him have it (unless he is likely to then be late after messing about with the phone)

2- if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school.

  • Yes - you are working so need to know that he is safely at home - not roaming the streets!

3- if he's allowed to go to the skate park after school he is home by 5.

  • I'd say no not on a school night, or only after homework is done and bags packed for tomorrow.

4 - when he gets in it's no phone. Dinner and home work and then phone if it's all done.
-Again, yes! Let him check homework or school emails, then that's it.

5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.
-Sensible. Why would he want to be hanging about or at a skate park in the cold and dark?

Booop · 30/08/2018 13:44

I have one exactly the same age. sounds very reasonable and safe. Just maybe explain (once his paddy is over) that you are doing it because you love him. and let him have a whole day at skate park on weekend.

MrsRubyMonday · 30/08/2018 13:45

I think it's a little unnecessary banning the phone morning and evening. In the first few weeks of school, he's already going to have a lot to adapt to. His new friends will all be swapping numbers and bonding and he can't talk to them unless his mum says so. Good way to immediately isolate him. What if he needs to ask his friends about homework or check what equipment is needed? What if he wants to arrange to meet friends on the way? Trying to do this as he walks out of the door is probably too late. It's a big barrier these days.

By all means put limits in place that guarantee his safety, no being out in the dark or when you aren't home, those are sensible rules. But the phone I think is excessive. A rule about not being on his phone when he should be doing something else like getting dressed I could understand. Not an all out ban for long periods for an older child starting high school.

CherryChatsworth · 30/08/2018 13:47

There's no way I'd allow my 11 year old DS to a skate park to hang around for 8 hours straight. Not a chance.

That horse appears to have bolted as you've allowed that but you need to stick to your guns now.

CherryChatsworth · 30/08/2018 13:49

Oh and also too many rules on a re read! Far too many. Let him have the phone on the understanding he's dressed/ ready/ has completed homework. I wouldn't threaten groundings as that's really negative and you're trying to encourage positivity behaviour here

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 30/08/2018 13:53

It's a little late to worry about hanging around with the wrong types at the skatepark when he's been hanging around there all day long up to now Confused

adaline · 30/08/2018 13:58

I think you'll really struggle with number two as he gets older. Are you really going to insist a 12/13/14/15yo comes straight home from school? How are you even going to enforce that?

The mobile phone thing is understandable, so I agree with that. Although I would perhaps allow him to have it, on the understanding that if he's not ready by a certain time, he doesn't have it for the rest of the week.

The rest seem fine.

MissLingoss · 30/08/2018 14:02

Agree that 2 and 5 are a bit harsh. OK you may not want him hanging round the skate park or 'roaming the streets', but what if he wants to go to the library/to the shops/to a friend's house on the way home?

businessModel · 30/08/2018 14:09

I don't understand why the rules change according to the seasons.

Grounding for a week for "pleading"?

I imagine you wear black and white, read the Daily Mail and miss the days of caning.

worridmum · 30/08/2018 14:16

All you will do is force him to rebel you know grounding only works if they are agreeable.

When your at work / in the winter why cannot he go to a friends house ? My parents where like you stupidly strict rules and if a asking / complained about a rule grounded for 1 week so in the end i just ignored them as they never picked me up from school there groundings where infectaul because unless i came home (they were to lazy to drive to pick me up and it was 1 hour on the bus) so i gnored the grounding and went to friends houses shops etc rather then stright home etc.

Gatehouse77 · 30/08/2018 14:17

When our were younger all gadgets were charged overnight downstairs so they didn't access them until they came down in the morning - our routine was always to be dressed before breakfast so no major adaption.

We have a "Home by 6 or ring" rule. If they're school work was suffering from being out too much, we reined it in.

Ostensibly, we started from a we trust you POV but what you lose is the freedom of choice. And that was true for after school too.

I haven't been bothered about the seasons but, to be fair, found they were far less keen to be out when it was dark/cold/wet and because a non-issue.

It seems that you are starting from a distrusting perspective - is there a reason for that?

Gersemi · 30/08/2018 14:17

if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school. This will never be negotiable.

What about after school clubs and activities? Can't he go to friends' houses sometimes?

ReanimatedSGB · 30/08/2018 14:17

This is an age where you should be relaxing and negotiating rules, not suddenly imposing them and bellowing for instant obedience. I'm not surprised your DC is objecting to what sounds like high-handed, unreasonable bullying.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:21

I'm bullying my son? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 30/08/2018 14:22

Not allowed out after school if it's raining seems a bizarre rule. The rest seems strict (except no phone in the morning I agree with that) but each to there own.

I think you would get on better if instead of imposing rules you discussed them I.e what time does he think he should be home and negotiate from there.

RabbitsAreTasty · 30/08/2018 14:24

You've gone from one extreme to the other.

Have you considered discussing with him what would be a fair set of rules? Does he know what specific behaviours you object to and why you object?

I am intrigued though. Why was it OK for him to do all this last week but now it isn't? What has happened for your parenting principles to change so dramatically so suddenly?

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:27

And yes, a week for pleading.

The reason this is, when I'm at home trying to dinner, juggle the other kids, and get stuff done I really really don't appreciate constant phone calls giving me shit and grief over the phone begging pleading and giving me earache for X Y and Z several times, every single day.

The whole of the summer holidays has been me telling him what time he needs to be home and him not giving a shit and being late, calling me to beg for a later date, demand sleep overs, ask this, nag for that, every single day.

So my foot has gone down. I'm sick to death of telling him what time to be home and why.
If he doesn't abide by them, he's grounded.

Also, we have spent the last two years telling him he can have his phone after he's got dressed/had breakfast/teeth/bag.
It lasts two days and we're back to him in his pants playing on his phone making us all late to get out the house. And had the audacity to tell me to wait until he's finished the game before he made us even fucking later put it down and got stuff done.

So yes, it's a blanket rule. No phone. I gave him 2 years of chances. He can't stick to that simple rule so it's no phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:28

"Ask him what time he thinks he should be home" 😆😆😆😆

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 30/08/2018 14:31

your rules sound sensible to me

Pickleypickles · 30/08/2018 14:33

I don't see why that's funny? I didn't say "ask him and agree with what ridiculous time he gives you" but if you settle on say 6pm with negotiation he will feel like he's had choice in the matter. Tbh I think you are asking for a teenager who disregards everything you say and does what he likes atm.

adaline · 30/08/2018 14:34

You've been really lax up until now, so of course he's going to push back and rebel!

You've let an 11 year old run wild all day (presumably all summer) - so why do you suddenly expect him to respect the idea of being home straight from school, or by 5pm in the evenings?

But I think you've gone massively over the top and your OTT punishment of grounding is going to make him listen less, not more.