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Original poster

What the fuck?! Massive l "rules tantrum".

176 replies

ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 13:33

I have an 11 year old who starts secondary school on Tuesday.
He has a smart phone and, what I consider, a fair amount of freedom.
He goes to the skate part about 10am and is home by 6pm. I check in with him several times a day. He constantly pushes for me freedom, I constantly feel like he's taking the absolute piss so I've set out some rules for when he starts secondary school.

1- no phone in the morning. He can have it as he leaves the house.
I got so sick of seeing him in his pants playing on his phone, having not got dressed, had breakfast, packed his bag etc etc etc

2- if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school. This will never be negotiable.

3- if he's allowed to go to the skate park after school he is home by 5.

4 - when he gets in it's no phone. Dinner and home work and then phone if it's all done.

5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.

If he gives me grief, nags, begs or pleads or is late, he's grounded for a week.

He's now in his room crying his eyes out because of how unfair the rules are. Hmm

OP posts:
FASH84 · 30/08/2018 15:41

@billybagpuss so county lines, child sexual exploitation and youth knife crime were as common in your era as now? Times change, parents have to respond to that.
On second thoughts maybe that's why child sexual abuse was so rife in the seventies, lack of parental oversight....

Jenna43 · 30/08/2018 15:41

billybagpuss I was the same growing up, I can't understand some of these replies. It's almost as if having rules and boundaries is 'old fashioned'. Makes me think some posters kids are ruling the roost.

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:42

And everyone needs to stop blathering about "teens"" - this child is barely out of primary school, he's prepubescent and still very much a child.

nokidshere · 30/08/2018 15:42

It's difficult with teenagers to lay the law down, especially if they have got away with the behaviour previously. I don't disagree with your rules particularly but I do think you need to be coming at them from a different angle.

Sit down and speak to him. Explain why you find the whining and nagging such a pain, why the rules need to be in place. But come from it from a position of trust instead of accusatory. Nothing wrong with coming to acceptable,compromises and telling him that if he is grown up enough to do these things then he has to be grown up enough to accept your decisions.

So you say to him "the rule is that you must do school bags the night before, be up, washed, dressed and fed before going on your phone in the morning. Obviously the quicker you do all of that then the longer you get to have on your phone. However, if you don't manage to do the above then we will have to revert to the absolutely no phone in the mornings rule". Do this for each of your rules. You need to give him the chance to follow them.

The best way of dealing with whiny teenagers is to ignore. The same way as you would with toddlers. When mine say "it's not fair" etc I simply reply cheerfully "I know, it stinks being a teenager doesn't it". If they say "I want" or "can I have" I say cheerfully "of course darling, stick it on your Christmas list". And on the really odd occasion they don't give up and drive me mad I flatten my voice and say "if you ask again I will be saying no the next time too".

Going to secondary school is a huge transition and he will grow up very quickly. The change in them even after the first term is quite marked. Don't lay down too many rules, or say no to everything or you will be setting you both up for a miserable time. Just be careful that you aren't saying no for the wrong reasons (ie for your own convenience)

QuizzlyBear · 30/08/2018 15:43

OP I'd say your rules are bang on (and I have a 14 and 11 year old DS) - they need structure and boundaries entering secondary school as otherwise (and even with them!) they lose perspective and all rational thought.

I do think that 8 hours per day of solo freedom during the holidays means that you'll get a lot of resistance to them though - from his perspective you've trusted him to be pretty autonomous all day every day and he's (presumably) proved himself in his own eyes to be trusted. Good luck!

BusyMum47 · 30/08/2018 15:43

I can't get past the fact that he's allowed out by himself to roam free from 10am-6pm...8hrs straight...when he's only 11??!!

placemats · 30/08/2018 15:45

Great advice nokidshere

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:45

Jenna, kind doesn't mean not strict. It's not the same. Maybe you feel weak when you are kind to your children, but I do not.

My youngest son once described my boundaries as "Like living in a big house made of concrete. Bigger than everyone else's but made of concrete". They are wide and I allow a lot but I do not allow some things and what I don't allow simply DOES NOT HAPPEN. They know not to bother arguing with a HARD NO, BOYS, but there's a lot of room for kindness and respect in there. Respecting your children doesn't mean they respect you less.

Jenna43 · 30/08/2018 15:45

It's difficult with teenagers to lay the law down

He's not a teen, he's 11.

Missingstreetlife · 30/08/2018 15:45

Why does an 11 year old need a smart phone?

Jenna43 · 30/08/2018 15:46

Jenna, kind doesn't mean not strict. It's not the same. Maybe you feel weak when you are kind to your children, but I do not

What on earth are you talking about?

adaline · 30/08/2018 15:47

Of course he's scared, he's an 11yo kid starting a new school where he's going to be a small fish in a big pond. He's spent, what, six years at primary where he knows everyone, knows all the teachers and where he's spent the last year being a big fish.

He sees your rules as you stopping him from seeing his friends where he currently sees them (at the skate park) and probably thinks that means he'll barely see them at all, which scares him. He needs security and stability, not a sudden huge change in the rules without an explanation or any reassurance.

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:47

MIssingstreetlife, why does an eleven year old need a bike? WHy does an eleven year old need coloured pencils? WHy does an ADULT need a smartphone? WHy are YOU on the internet instead of doing something wholesome.

Smug off.

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:48

I'm sorry, Jenna, I thought I was clear.

Which bit didn't you understand?

nokidshere · 30/08/2018 15:48

Yes I saw that he's 11. But since he's going into yr7 he must be on the way to 12. Regardless, there are ways of handling the situations that don't involve saying no all the time or laying down rules without giving him a chance to prove he can do it. Starting secondary school is the start of independence, for learning, personal safety and friendships.

QuizzlyBear · 30/08/2018 15:48

@FASH84 Reading your post you seem to be implying that violent crime is higher now than in the 1970s/1980s?

Check the stats. We live in the safest period in history for violent crime, it's just that the media like to panic us on a daily basis to keep us buying papers / clicking through and checking in.

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:49

Actually no, he could have turned eleven last week and still be starting secondary next week. ANd eleven at secondary doesn't mean teenager, it means eleven. You don't develop faster according to academic ability.

Jenna43 · 30/08/2018 15:50

I'm sorry, Jenna, I thought I was clear

Which bit didn't you understand?

Where in any of my posts did I mention the word 'kind' that led to your outburst?

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:50

@Jaxhog I really appreciate your suggestion. I just said to him if he can stick to the rules for a month then we can discuss them again. He's happy with this, I'm happy with this as well. Flowers

bestseller I hear you. There is a dark side to this area that's pretty underground. In your opinion, what should I be doing differently? (Genuine question not a sarky one!).

OP posts:
adaline · 30/08/2018 15:51

He's not a teen, he's 11.

Yes, but he's only 18-24 months of being a teenager. At some point you need to let them grow up a bit and have some independence, and isn't the year you start secondary school the perfect time to start doing that?

nokidshere · 30/08/2018 15:51

Actually no, he could have turned eleven last week and still be starting secondary next week. ANd eleven at secondary doesn't mean teenager, it means eleven. You don't develop faster according to academic ability.

Haha that's true. My own son was 11 and 3 days when he started. Young people then. Better?

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:52

No,, Jenna, calling it an outburst doesn't mean it didn't make sense, I'm sorry that was unclear.

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:54

Or just children.

Why are we shying away from the word "CHILD"?

We can't produce maturity by refusing to acknowledge immaturity as a normal developmental stage, or we would be like that silly parents who force feed baby rice and claim their baby is "so hungry!" like it's not normal to keep crying for milk.

Jenna43 · 30/08/2018 15:54

No,, Jenna, calling it an outburst doesn't mean it didn't make sense, I'm sorry that was unclear

It absolutely makes no sense at all. You quite clearly mis-read my post and won't admit it. You were talking complete and utter nonsense.

TheMatteEffect · 30/08/2018 15:57

5pm is too late to be starting homework at secondary school level in the early years, unless it's due to a school related activity, and then that should be once or twice a week.

In, snack, homework... If he wants to go out for an hour after he's finished homework that's fine.