Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the fuck?! Massive l "rules tantrum".

176 replies

ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 13:33

I have an 11 year old who starts secondary school on Tuesday.
He has a smart phone and, what I consider, a fair amount of freedom.
He goes to the skate part about 10am and is home by 6pm. I check in with him several times a day. He constantly pushes for me freedom, I constantly feel like he's taking the absolute piss so I've set out some rules for when he starts secondary school.

1- no phone in the morning. He can have it as he leaves the house.
I got so sick of seeing him in his pants playing on his phone, having not got dressed, had breakfast, packed his bag etc etc etc

2- if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school. This will never be negotiable.

3- if he's allowed to go to the skate park after school he is home by 5.

4 - when he gets in it's no phone. Dinner and home work and then phone if it's all done.

5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.

If he gives me grief, nags, begs or pleads or is late, he's grounded for a week.

He's now in his room crying his eyes out because of how unfair the rules are. Hmm

OP posts:
peachgreen · 30/08/2018 14:57

If I were him I'd feel like I was being punished for my parents' working. If it's just physical injuries you're worried about, why not say he can go out but can't skate?

SandraTheBee · 30/08/2018 14:57

reallybadidea basically what I do. It works.

FATEdestiny · 30/08/2018 14:57

He goes to the skate part about 10am and is home by 6pm

You didn't see fit to ensure he eats a meal at lunchtime?

He's only 11. That sounds like lazy parenting to me. I think you secretly realise this (not sure you'd admit it though), hence the massive about-turn to become overly strict.

Isawthelight · 30/08/2018 14:58

Tbh I think you are asking for a teenager who disregards everything you say and does what he likes atm

He's 11, not a teenager.

You've let an 11 year old run wild all day (presumably all summer) - so why do you suddenly expect him to respect the idea of being home straight from school, or by 5pm in the evenings?

Huge difference between summer holidays with no routine and back to school and dark winter eveningsHmm. Isn't that obvious? My 7 yo has 'run wild' this summer, different routine completely when back to school.

OP I think your 'rules' are spot on.

1forAll74 · 30/08/2018 14:59

You are not bullying your son at all,, you definitely have to have your Own boundaries set, for your Own Son,no matter what others may say.

MissLingoss · 30/08/2018 14:59

But if me and his dad are working (a good hour away) and he's at the skate park and breaks a leg, is going to be difficult to get to him.

Then you say he isn't allowed to go to the skate park. But he is allowed to go to the library or a friend's house or the shops, all of which are quite reasonable age-appropriate things to do after school.

RB68 · 30/08/2018 15:00

Just take the phone. Our school has loads of afterschool sports clubs so I think it will all become irrelevant anyway.

Isawthelight · 30/08/2018 15:00

I think you'll really struggle with number two as he gets older. Are you really going to insist a 12/13/14/15yo comes straight home from school? How are you even going to enforce that?

For goodness sake. She's not talking about a 12/13/14/15yo...he's 11. Obviously she'll re-assess things as he gets older.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 30/08/2018 15:00

I'm guessing he's at a loss to understand your inconsistency. It sounds as if, instead of stepping in early on and nipping stuff in the bud, you have been letting him get away with a lot of stuff (coming home late, putting his phone before his duties) and have now suddenly snapped and swung completely the other way. I agree that 8 hours of hanging around at a skate park is way more freedom than I would ever allow an 11yo. My older two are 13 and nearly 11 and they are pretty independent in terms of getting around (they cycle mostly), but not allowed out to just hang around. 13yo often walks his friend to the train station after school before coming home, sometimes via the shops, but that's still a defined route and a reasonable timeframe.

I think you need to sit him down calmly, explain you feel he's had too much freedom and has taken advantage, and talk through the 'rules' with him. See if he can come up with a sensible compromise suggestion for the negotiable ones. (Stuff like him being home when you are at work (unless at a defined activity) I absolutely agree with, but other stuff there must be leeway for his views).

BitOutOfPractice · 30/08/2018 15:00

I think if you've struggled to enforce your summer rules over the summer holidays, you're going to struggle with these.

And I really don't understand rule 2

DemocracyDiesInDarkness · 30/08/2018 15:01

Why does he have to come straight home from school when you are your husband are still out at work? What's the point? Surely he'd be better off at the skate park with his mates than sitting home alone on his phone?

BitOutOfPractice · 30/08/2018 15:02

The trouble is with these very strict inflexible rules is, you'll find that life and other stuff gets in the way, especially as he starts developing his own social life / independence.

Is he your eldest?

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 15:02

This will be about something that happens at the skate park.

I do some work with vulnerable children and one of the most dangerous places for them to hangout is the skatepark (and libraries!) They are targeted by people you really don't want your DC to see as friends. You are right to limit his time there.

RightyMcRightface · 30/08/2018 15:02

I tried to judge my kids (now 15 & 19) on 'outcomes' rather than 'inputs'. By that I mean if they're doing ok at school, were (mostly) respectful towards me and DP (you've got to allow growing adults some elbow room) and they took responsibility for their actions, I pretty much let them get on with it without a myriad of rules (which they will bend, stretch and get around and you then end up having an argument about and imposing even more rules!). This perceived 'freedom' was was however tied into an education about safe surfing, not putting themselves in dangerous situations and them realising that their poor decisions / behaviour would have both short and long consequences.

Not necessarily an approach that would work for all and my sense, without knowing the maturity of your DS, is that 11 is probably too young and a rules based approach in the short term but be more beneficial, but my approach seems to have worked well with my two who have a developed into well rounded, good mannered young adults with a good hard work = reward ethic who take responsibility and have a a sense of doing the right thing because they want to, not because they've been told...best of all, it's also made for a relatively drama-free last few years for me and DP where we have enjoyed seeing them develop rather than being at 'logger-heads' with them constantly!

longwayoff · 30/08/2018 15:03

Home alone after school?

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:05

You didn't see fit to ensure he eats a meal at lunchtime?
Mumsnet at its best, I starve my child.
Orrrrrrrr, he takes a packed lunch with him, but like what they do at school when they are out of the house all day. Wink

If you enforce rules inconsistently then what do you expect?
I'm genuinely confused by this. Why do you think I'm not consistent with my rules? I realise this is in response to him playing on his phone in his pants. But what makes you think I don't enforce the rule?
I don't continue to let him play on his phone in his pants for the rest of the school year, no way. The rules apply and they do all year. It is unfortunately a constant battle though, a rule he loves to flout.

OP posts:
Bestseller · 30/08/2018 15:06

I write off the time after school before I get home and have to accept that they'll pretty much do as they choose (ie hanging out, unlimited screen time, unhealthy food). There's no point me trying to have rules I can't enforce

Lemonnaise · 30/08/2018 15:06

Home alone after school?

Oh here we go...

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:07

Then you say he isn't allowed to go to the skate park. But he is allowed to go to the library or a friend's house or the shops, all of which are quite reasonable age-appropriate things to do after school.

I honestly don't believe he would be doing this.
Him and his friends are scooter mad and they spending every waking hour at the skate park and go straight after school. He hasn't actually been anywhere else this summer (apart from places with us of course!) so I honestly don't know if this is an option he himself would even consider.
You make a good point though.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 30/08/2018 15:07

I am with Redsky, I think.

You seem very against after school stuff, or that is what comes across anyway. There are lots of good after school clubs that he might quite reasonably like to join, some of them relating to his subjects.

I'd be against the skate park on a regular basis, but other than that I really think you might need to see how it goes once he is at the school. Things will almost certainly come up that you haven't considered and whilst some of your rules are sensible, others seem too rigid.

How far away is the school? Is it walking distance or does he have to get a school bus? If it is a school bus and there are days when you absolutely will not be able to collect him (and cannot arrange other transport/lift-shares etc.) then those are the days he really must come home on the bus, with no choice. Other days can often be a bit more flexible provided he comes straight home from an after school club and or is in by the agreed time to eat and do his homework.

No phone until he is dressed and ready for school each morning is sensible if he is given to procrastination and dilly-dallying.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:10

home alone after school Why, yes. He's 11, I have to work. He would have to walk past our house to the other side of town to get to the childminders. And he's 11.

He will be absolutely fine.
He may take the piss with the boundaries I give him now (for the poster above who followed their kids lead if they respect the parents, I hear you and I don't feel like I get that. He doesn't abide by any rules and constantly pushes any boundaries I set) but when he is at home he's really good.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:11

Bestseller I've no doubt I will get to that point.
As his friends in year 8 and 9 have, as I did.

But year 7, just starting and first taste of going to and from school and a bit of responsibility, I'm not ok with him doing as he pleases until 6pm (when his dad would get him from work, I wouldn't get him until 9pm).

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:13

I've already addressed after school stuff.

That would be at school wouldn't it?
So the rule applies, home after school.

OP posts:
kateandme · 30/08/2018 15:14

once hes calmed down have anice chat with him.calmly.let him know your doing this because you love him and rules are part of that.
that you can ask eacohter if you feel a rule needs adapting or looking at.say if there is a party of big week of school where people might be texting about things or staying out more.
let him know as a parent there is always hard reasons behind why we have to do things and set rules.but that wed never do them to be cruel or UR and sometimes things just need to be done.

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2018 15:14

Reasonable especially no phone in the morning. But, what time does he get in? We used to get in , change bags down snack etc and homework started at 5. I’m not saying give him his phone but a moment to sit down after high school is often a must I think.

Swipe left for the next trending thread