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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the fuck?! Massive l "rules tantrum".

176 replies

ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 13:33

I have an 11 year old who starts secondary school on Tuesday.
He has a smart phone and, what I consider, a fair amount of freedom.
He goes to the skate part about 10am and is home by 6pm. I check in with him several times a day. He constantly pushes for me freedom, I constantly feel like he's taking the absolute piss so I've set out some rules for when he starts secondary school.

1- no phone in the morning. He can have it as he leaves the house.
I got so sick of seeing him in his pants playing on his phone, having not got dressed, had breakfast, packed his bag etc etc etc

2- if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school. This will never be negotiable.

3- if he's allowed to go to the skate park after school he is home by 5.

4 - when he gets in it's no phone. Dinner and home work and then phone if it's all done.

5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.

If he gives me grief, nags, begs or pleads or is late, he's grounded for a week.

He's now in his room crying his eyes out because of how unfair the rules are. Hmm

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 30/08/2018 16:25

It sounds like he needs the morning phone ban.

In our house, phones are allowed until dinner then it's homework and getting ready for tomorrow. They are much more mentally refreshed at 6:30 than 4:30 so study "better" (Dinner is at 6pm ish)

I suspect that he's angry as he's gone from no rules to strict rules really quickly. Will half term and holiday rules be the same as term time rules?

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 16:25

Colditz you may be right for your area, but actually inner London is relatively safe for young people these days. The successful anti gang policing there has pushed the gangs out through the county lines and they specifically target rural areas and small towns where there is "nothing" for young people to do.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:25

Good lord, my kid is now going to get into heroin.

Let's be honest. If he does, he's going to whether he spends 4 or 8 hours at the skate park.
Should I just keep him home altogether?

I can just imagine the thread and uproar
"My son wants to go to the skate park with his scooter because he has a hobby but I say no, I'd rather he just stayed home or played computer games at friends houses. AIBU"

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 30/08/2018 16:26

the problem with him coming home at meal times is that I'm often out

This is more of a problem than not having him come home for lunch.

So when he's out for that extended period, you're often not even at home should he need to come home?

It's not on. He's you're responsibility even when he is out playing.

Also contradictory. He can't be at the skatepark when you and Dad are at work. But he can be at the skatepark when you decide you need to go shopping or take siblings somewhere?

rainingcatsanddog · 30/08/2018 16:26

How will you know if he's at home when you're at work? A savvy teen will leave the phone at home and go out so it looks like he's at home.

colditz · 30/08/2018 16:27

He's not a "savvy teen", he's an eleven year old child.

colditz · 30/08/2018 16:28

Democracy, 11 year olds should be going to bed well before 100pm

colditz · 30/08/2018 16:29

10pm!

mummmy2017 · 30/08/2018 16:29

There is an app, you call his phone, if he ignors you it locks, and he can only call you for the code to unlock it...
That really worked here.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:29

rainingcatsanddogs he will be allowed out during the day in half term, is that what you mean?
He won't be allowed out until 6pm though. That's just the loveliness of summer.

Forwhat it's worth I had all this freedom when I was younger. I used to leave the house at 9am and home by dinner time. It was the best time, I remember it very fondly. I had no phone, my parents just had to trust me. I had so much fun, I remember my first summer of that freedom as the best summer (prior to adulthood).

Ive never taken heroin. And I've never even seen a gang.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:31

Ok, as I said upthread I work an hour away. We live in a little village and if I shouted my sons name from the supermarket, he would hear it at the skatepark.
That's how close I would be.

And yes, I find that absolutely acceptable.

Do you really expect me to stay at home if my son is out?
My other kids would love that. Not. Wink

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 30/08/2018 16:31

Y7 turn 12 this school year and there will be a kid who's worked out that leaving a phone at phone will make it seem like he's at home. Y7 often watch videos on YT etc made by older people where these "life hacks" and "pranks" pop up.

Billben · 30/08/2018 16:34

I agree with your rules. Apart from the no phone in the morning one. I let my daughter have hers after breakfast and dressing because kids always forget things so she often has friends texting to see whether it’s PE that day, or they need to take something in, etc. Otherwise she panickes thinking she’s forgetthing something. But that’s just me.

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 16:36

Gangs didn't operate in the same way when we were kids OP. You will have seen gang members, they don't wear a badge, they look like exactly the same as all the other kids at the skate park. "The gang" isn't at the skate park, but it's recruiters are.

Osirus · 30/08/2018 16:36

I think that going by how he is with the nagging, and these oppressive rules you have imposed, you’ve got huge trouble ahead with him.

You need to find a way to work with him.

My nephew was exactly like this. He fought back so hard she can’t even get him to school any more.

As a child I had the responsibility to decide how I prioritised homework and fun, and I did my homework religiously. I had fun too, usually before homework but then I wasn’t rushing through it to get to the fun stuff.

Give him more freedom. He’ll take it anyway if you don’t at least give a little.

I knew someone who wasn’t allowed out when it was wet (WTF????) and she was bullied relentlessly.

I feel very sorry for your boy.

colditz · 30/08/2018 16:37

Bestseller seriously

the likelyhood of the OP#s eleven year old child being recruited into a gang is low enough for it to not be a concern to her, and she presumably knows her area well enough to be fairly sure of that. Given that her son has a similar level of freedom to over children his age, it's unlikely that their area is a hotbed of gangs and crack cocaine.

I'd be far, FAR more concerned about nicotine vapes.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:42

Osirius take one teeny bit of a hugely explained situation and pull it all out of context and post how you feel sorry for my son. That made me laugh though, thank you. 😁

OP posts:
BlueSky198080 · 30/08/2018 16:42

I’m going to be one of those annoying people who hasn’t read the full read before commenting!

But having a ds about to go into year 9 I would say:-

  1. just go easy on the rules at the moment, it’s a big transition to high school. Going from being the oldest of the school to the youngest. The kids do get scared! With that they take out their fear on those closest to them- their parents, so expect some behaviour over the next few weeks as he settles in.
  2. not much homework tends to happen the first week or two, if possible allow him to meet up with new and old friends out of school, the kids talk about their fears with their old friends and it will help new friendships develop.
  3. the homework will start coming then, make it that it’s straight home and homework first before going out, and in before it gets dark. By this time you are looking later September so it’s starting to get darker earlier anyway.

You are about to loose your baby now! They grow up so much over the year. They turn into real ‘pre-teens!’

(Completely irrelevant but several times I’ve popped my head around ds’s door this holidays as I’ve heard him speaking to a ‘man’ on the Xbox only to find out it’s ‘(insert friends name)’ all their voices have broken over the holidays! Ds included- his aunt hung the phone up on him last week, as she thought it was a man playing a joke Grin

DemocracyDiesInDarkness · 30/08/2018 16:45

Maybe yours - some kids need more sleep than others. My 9 year old goes to bed at 8.30, but she'll easily read for an hour, just like I did and still do.

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 16:45

You're right, gangs aren't the only or even the biggest concern but they are becoming a massive problem in rural areas where the authorities don't know how to deal with it and parents have no idea its happening.

I know for a fact it's they've arrived here in the last 2 years, particularly in one affluent neighbouring town. Most of the residents are blissfully unaware and its the children who don't go home who are most vulnerable.

We're seeing previously highly regarded schools in leafy areas having problems with dealing in schools - gang members who are also school children and the kinds of thing that happened in Rotherham happening in all social groups. Obviously I see a concentration of it but it definitely there and widespread.

Poloshot · 30/08/2018 16:49

Absolutely fine. He's 11 and has a lot of freedom, you are more than reasonable imo

lemonsorbetinthesun · 30/08/2018 17:47

I think they are sensible rules. I have a DS just going into year 8. Our rules are somewhat similar.

I'm pretty sure he'll manage to make friends without messing around on his phone in the morning.

I do let DS have his phone in the mornings when he's ready, cos he usually meets up with one or 2 others to walk in. So just in case plans change, or one of them is ill or something. But not before he's ready, he'll only forget something otherwise.

He's pretty good most of the time, they are still children (despite protests to the contrary) and do still need boundaries and rules.

We've survived the first year relatively unscathed! Phew!

youokhon · 30/08/2018 18:09

5pm is too late to be starting homework at secondary school level in the early years, unless it's due to a school related activity, and then that should be once or twice a week

How very joyless! I frequently had to set my alarm and get up an hour early to do the homework I hadn't been arsed to do the night before. Give kids a break!

PerverseConverse · 30/08/2018 18:46

My 11 year old doesn't have a phone on a regular basis as she leaves it at her dads. She wouldn't even consider not coming straight home after school.
Thanks for this as I need to establish some rules for high school by Tuesday too.
I think you're being very lenient as mine isn't allowed out on her own and nor are her friends but if we lived somewhere else then it might be different.
You need to be consistent though. Mine don't get tablets or phones (if they have them here) until they have had breakfast and are washed and dressed.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 30/08/2018 19:08

5pm is too late to be starting homework at secondary school

Statements like that are simply ridiculous.

We aren’t home after school before 6pm, 3/5 nights it’s 7 or later. No missed homework, no problems in the mornings, excellent grades.

Even if we came straight home from school we wouldn’t be home until 4:45 and given the above, we don’t plan on doing that anytime soon.