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Original poster

What the fuck?! Massive l "rules tantrum".

176 replies

ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 13:33

I have an 11 year old who starts secondary school on Tuesday.
He has a smart phone and, what I consider, a fair amount of freedom.
He goes to the skate part about 10am and is home by 6pm. I check in with him several times a day. He constantly pushes for me freedom, I constantly feel like he's taking the absolute piss so I've set out some rules for when he starts secondary school.

1- no phone in the morning. He can have it as he leaves the house.
I got so sick of seeing him in his pants playing on his phone, having not got dressed, had breakfast, packed his bag etc etc etc

2- if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school. This will never be negotiable.

3- if he's allowed to go to the skate park after school he is home by 5.

4 - when he gets in it's no phone. Dinner and home work and then phone if it's all done.

5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.

If he gives me grief, nags, begs or pleads or is late, he's grounded for a week.

He's now in his room crying his eyes out because of how unfair the rules are. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:14

he doesn't abide by any rules sorry I need to change that.
He will listen to the rule and agree with the rule but then he will call me and text me several times a day and beg plead and demand I change the rule.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/08/2018 15:15

He needs the very clear message you are doing this for HIS BENEFIT not to be a drag for him....

Too many screens too young... Is a crap combination

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:16

timeisnotaline he would get him 5 mins after school finishes, we live next door to his school.
He can have his phone then, no problem.
But 5pm its dinner and homework (not in that order necessarily!) and then he can have his phone back.

Have I given the impression that he isn't allowed his phone after school? That's not the case.

OP posts:
colditz · 30/08/2018 15:17

You say "what the fuck?" like it's an unexpected reaction to having all your freedom taken away for the simple face that you've started a new school.

You make the rules, presumably they work for you, but don't be shocked that your boy bis disgusted at going from eight hours a day of doing as he pleases and playing on the phone in his pants to regimented Thou Shalt Not View A Screen Or Speak To A Friend Without Written Permission In Triplicate. The poor kid must feel like he's joined the army, instead of secondary school (scary in itself!!!), and his mum is inexplicably the sergeant major.

It's like you're punishing him for growing up.

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 15:18

Have you or any of the other parents ever been to the skate park? Honestly the thought of children being there from dawn to dusk all summer makes my blood run cold.

It should be good healthy exercise and I hope it is but the gangs know where to find the children they need for their "operations", the ones who aren't expected home for long periods.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:18

For what it's worth, I really appreciate the replies, even the ones who think I'm totally bonkers.

I've never had a kid in secondary school before and your responses are getting me to think a bit more outside the box.

the bullying post is still funny though

OP posts:
colditz · 30/08/2018 15:19

ALso bear in mind this - he's scared. He's so, so scared right now, and now you're changing everything about the way his life has been fun to ways that sound likea complete drag.

He's frightened. Now is not the time for suddenly making up a load of rules he's never had to live by before../

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:20

I've got one in year 8 and one in year 11. Your kid is more frightened than you think possible right now. He'll have heard horror stories from peers about how horrific new school is, and he needs you to be kind, not brutal.

Asking for more freedom isn't naughty. Remember that.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:21

Bestseller yes our other son goes to the skatepark but needs an adult there, so we are pretty aware of what is like. Thankfully it's in a naice area so it's not bad at all.
But there are several nearby which are either a bit like you have described or very much how you have described.
He isn't allowed to go to those ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:21

Yeah I'm not sure he's that scared.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 30/08/2018 15:22

So you're going from way too much freedom to almost no freedom.

Good luck with that.

I have 11 and 13 year old boys, ftr. You have already fucked this up with the solo hanging out at skate parks for 8+ hours on his own... yikes!

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:22

I take it back, he is scared, I just asked him.

☹️☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:24

Thanks BewareofDragons fab support and advice there 😂 BlushBlush

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 30/08/2018 15:25

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Tell him the rules can be reviewed once he's stuck to them for a month (or whatever timescale you think is reasonable). And if he doesn't - they get harder.

Learning to live within society (or family) rules is part of growing up to take your place in the adult world. Too many people already think rules are negotiable or don't apply to them.

Topseyt · 30/08/2018 15:26

I'd agree that he could well be very scared at starting at a new school. My DD3 is about to go into sixth form at a different school from her current one. She is 16 and bricking it. Going into year 7 was a big deal too.

Most of your rules are OK, but perhaps he has found your sudden re-stating a bit much at the moment.

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 15:29

I hope you're right OP but "gangs" in the modern world aren't hordes of unruly kids, they're organised crime using other kids to recruit children into drug running and CSE. They're operating in almost all towns, especially "naice" market towns where parents generally feel their children are safe and there wasn't, until recently, any competition for them or any police awareness of their activities.

The Metropolitan police have made great strides in controlling gang activity in London so the gangs are moving out.

I know my work means I see the worst of it but all day every day would make me really uncomfortable, as would his distress at having that curtailed.

Pinkyyy · 30/08/2018 15:31

Wow this is a recipe for a rebellious teen if I ever saw one. Starting secondary school should be the start of a road to independence, I would feel absolutely suffocated with all those rules. You are setting him up to be in a position where he will lie to you about where he is because all his friends will be allowed a certain degree of freedom and he will feel that he's entitled to the same. This then means he will end up telling you he's somewhere different to where he is and -god forbid- there is an emergency you'll have no idea where to find him. Many will disagree with me I'm sure but I work with children and honestly think you're being too strict.

billybagpuss · 30/08/2018 15:33

At the risk of sounding really really old and a little bit patronising. I grew up in the 70/80's we were always at the park from 10am to dusk, we did maybe pop home for lunch and the loo but that was it and it was a way to check in pre mobile phones. We were then expected to adhere to school time rules when school started up again.

OP certainly has not 'fucked up' already. This is the first generation of kids where 8+ hours at the skatepark isn't a perfectly normal summer holiday pass time.

SeaToSki · 30/08/2018 15:34

I wouldnt ground him for a week for the nagging and pleading. Because then if he carries on after the first infringement, you have to take another week and that is potentially escalating too far too fast.

You could try a three strikes and you’re out (grounded for a week) Or he looses his next occasion at the skate park (so evening or Saturday) on the first nag. Then you still have room for maneuver when he keeps pushing his luck (because he will, especially at the beginning as he will want to test how serious you are)

I also think that if things are out of control a massive readjustment is better rather than trying to reign him in a little at a time.

Does he have his phone in his room overnight? Maybe he has to put it to charge downstairs (or in your bedroom if he is likely to sneak down and get it) at 9pm for example.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/08/2018 15:35

Oh! You might want to take a more collaborative approach hadn't you?

Jenna43 · 30/08/2018 15:37

Why on earth is everyone yapping on about teens? OPs son is 11. Unless I've missed the bit where she has said these rules are forever and never to be changedConfused.

FASH84 · 30/08/2018 15:39

@Bestseller I agree, so little understanding of how county lines actually work....

FATEdestiny · 30/08/2018 15:39

Alight Bestseller.

I get that your work gives you the bleak side of things, but there is no need to demonise skateparks and scooters with your sweeping generalisations.

There are a lot of really decent people who skate (scooter, BMX) and hang around at skateparks. Adults, young adults, teens and children. Decent people. Decent, normal, law abiding people (who are often quite nice, well mannered and polite).

I can say with certainty that the majority of users of my local skatepark are these decent people. There are reprobates, of course, there always will be. But they are not made to feel welcome by the decent people who skate and the police and PCSOS are on-the-ball at keeping them away and in check.

While I appreciate the need to post to say skateparks can be dodgy places, you're repeated instance that they are all like this is not helpful. And definitely not true.

CrochetBelle · 30/08/2018 15:40

Thu 30-Aug-18 15:22:51
I take it back, he is scared, I just asked him.

And I'm sure he appreciated the 30 seconds you gave him to talk about it

colditz · 30/08/2018 15:40

I bet you're already doing this, but go and soothe him down. I would back right away from the dictatorial "You WILL do this and you will NOT do that or I will PUNISH YOU" because if he has to have that at home as well as handling year 7 he's going to snap. Year seven is so incredibly hard as a transition. It's as hard as starting school except nobody puts a four year old in an hour long after school detention because he lost his tie :(

He doesn't need to live with Hitler. He doesn't even need Mum. He's going to need Mummy for a few weeks.