Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the fuck?! Massive l "rules tantrum".

176 replies

ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 13:33

I have an 11 year old who starts secondary school on Tuesday.
He has a smart phone and, what I consider, a fair amount of freedom.
He goes to the skate part about 10am and is home by 6pm. I check in with him several times a day. He constantly pushes for me freedom, I constantly feel like he's taking the absolute piss so I've set out some rules for when he starts secondary school.

1- no phone in the morning. He can have it as he leaves the house.
I got so sick of seeing him in his pants playing on his phone, having not got dressed, had breakfast, packed his bag etc etc etc

2- if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school. This will never be negotiable.

3- if he's allowed to go to the skate park after school he is home by 5.

4 - when he gets in it's no phone. Dinner and home work and then phone if it's all done.

5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.

If he gives me grief, nags, begs or pleads or is late, he's grounded for a week.

He's now in his room crying his eyes out because of how unfair the rules are. Hmm

OP posts:
cakegoblin · 30/08/2018 15:58

Was going to ask what MissingStreetlife said, surprised it hasn't been asked already. Parent of 6 and 3 year olds here so probably being ridiculously naive but he has had this phone for 2 years so since age 9? Is this normal now? With all the bullying and grooming that goes on? (genuine question) Really hoping I can get away with mine having basic Nokias for safety reasons only until they are old enough to pay for smartphones themselves and are able to exercise a bit of self-discipline over how much time they spend on them, which is something I (and most adults I know) still struggle with myself.

Colditz - calm down, what a bizarre overreaction.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 15:58

nokidshere I've sat down and calmly spoken to him about all the things you have suggested, more times than I can remember. Then I shouted them really loudly on probably the 6th or 7th time of him not giving a crap.
And now I have these rules.
Part of these rules is that I refuse to get angry, I refuse to shout. When I explained those rules to him I even mentioned the fact I had asked him in a reasonable manner to stick to the boundaries I have previously given him and he never has and that is why these rules have emerged.

Nonetheless, Jax's suggestion follows on nicely from this situation.
He learns that if he constantly pushes the boundaries then the rules get stricter. If he finally fucking listens to the rules and abides by them then we can sit down and discuss amending them accordingly.

I'm really glad I posted for that reason alone.

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 30/08/2018 16:00

You cant go from letting him out all day to he's not allowed out in winter lol. Why can't he go to a friends house? He's going to be making a lot of new friends and will want to spend time with them.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:01

TheMatteEffect I disagree. I think it's too much to expect a child to get in from school and expect them to crack on with homework. He needs a break and 5pm isn't late at all.

When I get home from work the last thing I want to do is set about doing a bunch of errands and chores. I want to put my feet up, talk to my kids, say hello to my husband, have a brew before I've got to start all that stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:03

If I believed he would go to a friends house and stay there until I picked him up, I would be ok with that. We can revisit that option when it's winter.
That rule was there to show that he wasn't going to get the freedom to be outside at the skate park during the winter months as he has had in the summer months...

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 30/08/2018 16:03

In general it works better with kids if you explain and collaborate. That doesn't mean having no rules, or even negotiating with them about them, or trying to be their friend, not a parent and all the other stuff that people say here. Just that most people, young or old, feel better and behave better if they understand why and feel they have a stake in the situation.

So, glad it's worked out OP and I hope both of you feel a bit happier with the situation.

Good luck to your DS. I think starting secondary is the scariest and hardest part of childhood.

Chugalug · 30/08/2018 16:04

I think your going to make his life at secondary a whole lot more difficult than it already is....I thought parents were supposed to be on their child's side?your new rules do not make any sense considering how much freedom you have allowed over the summer...

colditz · 30/08/2018 16:04

cakegoblin, in no way is making hyperbolic comments on Mumsnet a "bizarre overreaction", it's practically part of the entry criteria.

Jenna - do you have a point and will you be making it soon?

Thirdchildfourthpile - this term is going to be the hardest thing your son has ever done and on some level he probably knows it. YOu absolutely do need rules and they do need to be firm, but the fact that they are fair does not mean he won't cry about them. He's going to cry about EVERYTHING because he is going to be physically and emotionally exhausted.

He's also (hopefully!) going to be so thrilled the first time he uses a bunsen burner (or gets a chemical burn like my ds1 did)

ZigZagZebras · 30/08/2018 16:07

I would change the rule 2 to he can be at home or at a friends house if you're at work, but not at the skate park. Explain the possible injury reason and install find a friend as part of the agreement.
I would have that installed anyway at that age if he's regularly out for entire days alone.

multiplemum3 · 30/08/2018 16:07

I don't understand why he's not allowed there in winter months though? He'll get wet and cold, big deal.

RossGellersTeeth · 30/08/2018 16:07

cakegoblin

My 9yo has just been given my old smart phone with no sim card. She uses it to play games and listen to music on YouTube only. She will get her own phone when she is 12 for going to high school, I'm not sure what the standard age is.

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 16:09

I'd be having him come home for meal times and trying to break things up so he wasn't there everyday. I'd be talking about what to do if he's asked to do something he's uncomfortable with or if others are being asked to so. I be on the look out for any new stuff or cash.

I k ow it would have been usual not so long ago but now a 11yo regularly out all day raises some issues of neglect. Not in isolation but it would certainly be a bit of a red flag if I came into contact with your child professionally. It's not that it not OK for him to be out all day, it's the all day every day.

There's no easy answer though. They prey on the vulnerable kids so the best we can do is make sure our kids aren't vulnerable, that they have a sense of belonging and somewhere to go that means they don't need what the gangs offer. Easier said than done though.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:11

Multiplemum I don't want him 'hanging around' (his words) in the dark. That's why that rule is there.

OP posts:
ednakenneth · 30/08/2018 16:11

I think you allowed him too much freedom when he was at primary school. These should have been discussed with your hubby before. He is upset because he doesn't know where he stands and have moved the gate posts. The poor kid is confused. Boundaries regarding phones should have been set before. My son who is older just wants to come straight home from school and is too tired even to want to hang out in a skate park. I always question kids who don't want to come straight home after finishing school. If he has no one to greet him at the other end he just wants to hang out with his mates which I think is a recipe for disaster. Best phrase I use with my kids are "you are the company you keep" good luck but you need to sit down with him when he is calm and explain your reasons. No shouting but a reasonable conversation. Ask your hubby to have a man to man chat with him.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:15

Bestseller the problem with him coming home at meal times is that I'm often out.
I'd be at softplay or Tesco or whatever.

Most of the children in my sons class are being neglected, by your standards then. Some of them have had more freedom for much longer than he has.
My son is in no way being neglected and it, in this instance, is not a 'red flag' whatsoever.

I appreciate that in some situations that one red flag can lead to many and a genuinely neglectful situation.
But this is not one of them.

OP posts:
adaline · 30/08/2018 16:15

What were the consequences of him not listening and continuing to push boundaries? And why was he allowed out all summer for eight+ hours a day on his own if you're going to come down hard on him as soon as he starts school?

It's like you want him to have freedom when it suits you, but when you're at work or something, you want him to suddenly switch and be at home all time?

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:16

I didn't allow this much freedom when he was at primary school.
And my 'hubby' is very much involved in the decisions and the raising of our children.

OP posts:
adaline · 30/08/2018 16:16

the problem with him coming home at meal times is that I'm often out.
I'd be at softplay or Tesco or whatever.

Jesus, then you change your schedule to fit in with him, or collect him and make him come home/to Tesco or whatever with you!

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 16:19

Adaline he was punished by having his phone confiscated from him.

And the rules are incredibly similar to what he has now.
If we are at work, he doesn't have all that freedom.
He has to be home by 5, rather than 6 because he'll have home work.

What is the huge difference exactly? I'm not keeping him home during the day just because ordinarily he would be at school.
And when he is at school I obviously can't allow him to be at the skate park all day because he will be at school.

The rules accommodate the fact that he has school. Which he doesn't have right nowz

OP posts:
Bestseller · 30/08/2018 16:20

OP obviously you are going to do as you see fit with your children and the rules you're proposing now do make sense. For all you know "most" of the children in your child's class are already involved in gangs. If not they are certainly very vulnerable to it if there is a gang problem in your area.

cakegoblin · 30/08/2018 16:20

Thank you Ross when my future 11yo has a smart phone I will fondly remember my innocence in posting that question! Grin

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 30/08/2018 16:21

I think they’re some good rules OP, I find skate parks can be places where kids can fall in with bad crowds.

A good friend’s brother used to hang around on one when he was your son’s age and made friends with a much older rougher crowd, he started smoking and doing weed at twelve. They used to find it funny to get him high and at thirteen he started smoking what he thought was resin - it turned out to be heroin and his life is still down the shitter in his thirties because of what he went through as a kid.

My only negotiation would be letting him have his phone in the morning when he is ready eg dressed, lunch and school bag packed and breakfast eaten and letting him have it. I agree it could isolate him from possible new school friends.

Jenna43 · 30/08/2018 16:21

Jenna - do you have a point and will you be making it soon?

So you're not going to admit you got my post spectacularly wrong?Grin
Tell me why you directed a rant about 'kindness' at me when I never mentioned anything about it?

colditz · 30/08/2018 16:21

Some mumsnetters need to remember that not everywhere is Inner London and not all kids are completely sheltered and incapable of acting sensibly without being eyeballed by an adult at 11.

Out 10 - 6 in the summer holidays is normal for yr 6 round here, because it's perfectly safe.

DemocracyDiesInDarkness · 30/08/2018 16:25

5pm is too late to start homework?? What, five hours before bedtime?