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AIBU?

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Original poster

What the fuck?! Massive l "rules tantrum".

176 replies

ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 13:33

I have an 11 year old who starts secondary school on Tuesday.
He has a smart phone and, what I consider, a fair amount of freedom.
He goes to the skate part about 10am and is home by 6pm. I check in with him several times a day. He constantly pushes for me freedom, I constantly feel like he's taking the absolute piss so I've set out some rules for when he starts secondary school.

1- no phone in the morning. He can have it as he leaves the house.
I got so sick of seeing him in his pants playing on his phone, having not got dressed, had breakfast, packed his bag etc etc etc

2- if me and his dad are working, he comes immediately home after school. This will never be negotiable.

3- if he's allowed to go to the skate park after school he is home by 5.

4 - when he gets in it's no phone. Dinner and home work and then phone if it's all done.

5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.

If he gives me grief, nags, begs or pleads or is late, he's grounded for a week.

He's now in his room crying his eyes out because of how unfair the rules are. Hmm

OP posts:
businessModel · 30/08/2018 14:35

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billybagpuss · 30/08/2018 14:35

Is there any particular rule he is objecting to over all the others? When he's calmed down a bit it might be worth sitting down and explaining why.

FASH84 · 30/08/2018 14:35

I'm confused by the inconsistency of your rules, last week he had more freedom than most his age and as of next week will have less, what's changed? I think the school work and household tasks, getting washed/dressed etc before phone role is fair, but why has that not been enforced up to now if you think he's spending too much time on his phone? Also the last one suggests he will have no out of school activities or visits to friends all winter, which seems odd. I agree with a PP if you're worried about who he is hanging around with at the skate park why have you been letting him spend all day there? If the rules are confusing to adults they will be too an eleven year old, to whom they would seem suddenly unfair by comparison to the previous regime, and then you ground him for not understanding what most of us don't?.....

SweatyFretty · 30/08/2018 14:35

I'm with your DS. What a great way to kill his new social life before it's even begun.

What about clubs at school? What about going to play at a mates house?

AnExcellentUsername · 30/08/2018 14:35

"5- in the winter when it's dark, cold and wet, he goes straight home after school. Every. Single. Day.
-Sensible. Why would he want to be hanging about or at a skate park in the cold and dark?"

Probably the same reason he wants to hang about when it's light...

fuzzyfozzy · 30/08/2018 14:38

He needs rules but I'd probably change the phone ones to:
When you're dressed, eaten and packed you can have it.
When you've eaten, showered and homework done you can have it.
Sadly this is the way ch communicate now and he needs to be part of his social circle.

smallchanceofrain · 30/08/2018 14:38

I think your new rules look fairly reasonable for a child of his age. The problem is that you've gone from a very relaxed regime to quite a tough one because you feel that "he's taking the absolute piss". I doubt this makes much sense to him given that you were the one who gave him the piss to take in the first place. 8 hours of unsupervised freedom is a lot for an 11 year old. Few parents would allow that where I live because of some of the characters he would be likely to meet at the skate park.

Rather than just presenting him with the rules have you tried some discussion and negotiation? Yes you're the adult and he needs to do as he's told, but as a parent of teens I recommend the two of you get used to debating and negotiating if you want to avoid a full scale rebellion when he's older.

actualpuffins · 30/08/2018 14:38

I think we'd need to know how much he has been "taking the piss" before we can say whether the rules are proportionate.

BackforGood · 30/08/2018 14:39

2 and 5 don't make any sense.
What about after school activities?
what about developing friendships?

The whole attitude of threatening before you've even started seems all very negative too - why not phrase it much more as a "Once you are ready for school every morning, then you get your phone"... much more positive start.

peachgreen · 30/08/2018 14:44

Baffled as to why he's not allowed out after school. Fair enough saying he has to let you know where he is (or even track his location), home by 5pm and it mustn't impact his homework. But not allowing him out at all seems ridiculous. I can't see the logic in him having to come home because you're at work and I doubt he will either.

RedSkyLastNight · 30/08/2018 14:45

I don't think you've thought your "rules" through.

So your DC is never allowed to go to an after school club?
Never allowed to stay for an ad-hoc activity after school (including doing his homework ...)?
Never allowed to chat to his friends for 10 minutes after school?
Not allowed to go to a friend's house?

He can't arrange to meet up with friends before school (because no phone)?
He can't phone a friend after school to ask what the homework was?
Or access his phone to see the mind map he took a photo with off the board?

If I were you, I'd think about what you are trying to achieve.
e.g. you don't want him to be late for school - so specify that as your rule, with a consequence
e.g. you want to make sure he is safe after school - so specify that he must text you to let you know if he won't be home by x time (where x time includes some hanging out time after school).
Teenagers (or nearly teens) respond better to being trusted and understanding why there are rules IME.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:45

After school activities as far as I know, will be at school.
The rule applies, home after school.

He can develop friendships at school, after school if we aren't at work and at weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:47

Why wouldn't he be allowed to phone a friend after school?

OP posts:
mostdays · 30/08/2018 14:49

How did you deliver this? If it's with the same attitude you're posting about it I'm not surprised at his response!

1 is totally reasonable. 2 and 3 make sense, although I expect you'd to have a little more sensible flexibility about them than you're stating. 4 seems entirely reasonable. 5 is a parent's very, very understandable preference but is not entirely realistic.

"If he gives me grief, nags, begs or pleads or is late, he's grounded for a week."
Sorry, but that is ridiculous!

You may find the concept of asking your child what their opinion is to be hilarious (again, not particularly surprised your son is having the reaction he is if you communicate this attitude to him), but you will find time and time again that parenting strategies for teens and the 11/12 age group stress the importance of discussion, collaboration, reaching agreement, not simply dictating that it's Your Way or the Highway. As you are seeing today, it doesn't work well at all.

StormTreader · 30/08/2018 14:49

I always wince when I see harsh rules being implemented on the oldest child because the parents are "trying to juggle the other kids".

I'm sure its easier to not allow any more freedom than you did when they were 8 or 9, but be ready for "now they're 14/15 and out all the time and don't listen!" because they've found that the only way out from harsh rules is no rules.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:49

Baffled as to why he's not allowed out after school.

He is. Until 5pm.

But if me and his dad are working (a good hour away) and he's at the skate park and breaks a leg, is going to be difficult to get to him.
I do long shifts and there's plenty of days I won't be working and he will be able to go out after school so when I have to drive him up to minor injuries AGAIN I'm there to do so.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 30/08/2018 14:50

I think they are very reasonable boundaries for an 11 yr old.

AnExcellentUsername · 30/08/2018 14:50

If you're both at work how will you know if he's home or not?

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:51

I'll put it another way then StormTreader, I don't deserve nagging, begging pleading phone calls several times a day every day because it gives me a headache.

I would feel this way if he was my only child or if he was my 6th child.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:51

AnExcellentUsername I will have to trust him.

OP posts:
placemats · 30/08/2018 14:52

He'll be exhausted for the first two weeks, so don't worry about it. He will also meet new friends.

Summer time for children at school and students is a time for relaxing and getting on with things.

If all else fails turn off the internet. He'll be at your side within a minute.

Original poster
ThirdChildFourthPile · 30/08/2018 14:53

Thanks placemats.

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 30/08/2018 14:54

It lasts two days and we're back to him in his pants playing on his phone making us all late to get out the house.

If you enforce rules inconsistently then what do you expect? The wisest piece of parenting advice I was given was: pick your battles; when you have chosen them then you must win. We don't have many rules at all but those we do have are non-negotiable.

IndianaMoleWoman · 30/08/2018 14:55

You’ve not thought about detention. Every autumn people are in uproar on mumsnet because their year 7 DC didn’t finish school on time due to detention, which results in them messing up a complicated commute/childcare situation/freaking out that the DC aren’t home on time.

The reality is whether through poor behaviour, poor uniform or poor organisation, lots of year 7s will get a detention in the first term. Transition from primary to secondary is a very steep learning curve and they need help to get it right, rather than huge upheaval at home on top of learning how high school works. Go easier at home whilst he settles in and review your rules at half term (and decide what you’re doing about detention!)

SandraTheBee · 30/08/2018 14:56

Actually it seems a bit harsh to me OP. My 6th is also going to off to secondary next Tuesday and I haven't given him a single rule. I operate on the notion that kids work better on a long leash. When I do say no or insist on something they do sit up and notice because I am not constantly policing them.

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