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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
Fireworks91 · 29/08/2018 13:53

Unless you can easily afford it if you need to, it'd be a big fat no from me.

scaryteacher · 29/08/2018 13:55

I'd check what being a guarantor entailed first, in terms of your liability. As we were paying ds's rent direct to the landlord, we were in effect guarantors, and that we were paying monthly was written into the tenancy agreement.

Ds would have called us to ask first, and been told to find out exactly what this entailed before we agree to anything. Your daughter's lack of preparedness is not your problem. She will have known about this for some time, or have forgotten to get all her shit in one sock and is panicking.

PatriciaHolm · 29/08/2018 13:56

Er - unless you are happy picking up the bill for her and all her flatmates for the next year, don't!

Ignore. If she's managing to cope by herself the rest of the year, and ignore you unless she wants money, she can cope by herself now.

witchofzog · 29/08/2018 13:56

I would not be a guarantor for anyone as you are totally responsible for any arrears. The only exception would be for a child with a proven track history of reliability and a way of getting the money back myself e.g by selling their car if they defaulted. How dare she just expect this with no discussion before hand. Surely all accommodation doesn't need a guarantor?

Alaaya · 29/08/2018 13:56

I guess it depends if you want her to finish her degree or not. I think these days kids are still basically dependents as long as they are studying and I think it very unlikely she will be able to get a private let as a student without you.

But YANBU to be pissed off with her at all.

comingintomyown · 29/08/2018 13:56

YANBU

BestZebbie · 29/08/2018 13:59

Have you been her guarantor before? If you did it in Year 2 that may explain why she didn't think to ask 'from scratch' again now, she believes it has been previously discussed and there have been no changes to the status who or conversations to say otherwise.

FuckPants · 29/08/2018 14:01

Nope, nope, nope, do not be a guarantor - if it goes tits up whether it was your daughters fault or not you will get lumped with the costs.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/08/2018 14:04

You need to treble-check precisely what you are being asked to guarantee. No parent wants to discover that they thought they were acting as guarantor for their child's rent only, to discover at the end of the tenancy that they were acting as guarantor for the whole property.

As you hadn't been asked ahead of time whether you would CONSIDER acting as guarantor, my answer would be "no".

Alaaya · 29/08/2018 14:05

I'm really curious now. People who won't be guarantor for their student kids - where do the DC live? In my town I don't know of any private lets which accept student tenants without a guarantor and the university I work for also requires a guarantor for its accommodation. You need to be earning three times the monthly rent (total monthly rent) in a perm job that you have held for more than three months or pay six months rent in advance to get around that.

Is that not the case in some places? If so where? Am genuinely surprised at these responses.

Ariclock · 29/08/2018 14:06

I wouldn't do it especially as she has been so rude to you.

stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:08

Tbh if she's entitled then I'm pretty sure that's the result of her upbringing. Sorry. No discipline and feeling sorry for kids ends up with entitled adults.

SoSadEveryday · 29/08/2018 14:09

From a previous thread on this subject I understand there are companies that will provide guarantor liability (for a fee). From the same thread I understand now what being a guarantor could entail, and much as I love and trust my DC's, there is no way on God's earth that I would risk my whole future in this way. Sure your DC may well be trustworthy and solvent with an excellent work ethic. But things can (and do) change in a second. Maybe not due to anything your DC do, but life can throw some curve balls.

RomanyRoots · 29/08/2018 14:11

She can ask her bf or his family, she is rude and nasty to you and still obviously needs to learn a lesson or two, even though grown up now.
Don't agree to something you have no idea about.
Ask her to email all the correspondence, terms and conditions and you'll take a look when you get a minute Grin, she'll be panicking if she can't find anyone, but not your circus, she's old enough and should have asked months ago.

longwayoff · 29/08/2018 14:11

YANBU. Id be doing sweet fa without a lengthy apology from madame. Let her do some growing up.

RandomObject · 29/08/2018 14:12

I wouldn't have been able to rent anywhere at uni without a guarantor, except a few really dodgy places!

aperolspritzplease · 29/08/2018 14:14

Generally the advice is to never act as guarantor on a student rental...

RomanyRoots · 29/08/2018 14:16

I'd be worried about her paying rent on time, if at all with the notice she's given you.
She's a bit late with stuff.

Nutkins24 · 29/08/2018 14:16

Students have to get guarantors to get a rental. Who else can they possibly ask but parents? My mum always signed ours as she wanted us to study. She could never have met the costs but viewed it as a bit of bureaucracy as I guess she trusted us enough not to fuck up payment. No one ever checked her pay or anything Alaaya, but this was some time ago. Op do you trust her to pay her rent?

Alaaya · 29/08/2018 14:17

RandomObject - yeah, I was the same and my students tell me it is now the same for them. I don't know any of them who don't have their parent as a guarantor. I knew one guy last year who was estranged from his family and ended up homeless as a result and it took a lot of chasing around student services to get him into university accommodation and out of couch surfing.

AdoraBell · 29/08/2018 14:18

If you sign to be her guarantor then you will be liable for all the occupants. Tell her you can not afford it.

And yes, lots of people her age and possibly younger behave like total shits at times.

RachelTeeth · 29/08/2018 14:18

Remind me who raised the ‘generation of selfish entitled little shits’? Oh, you? 😄
I’d be pretty fucked off too if I’d been saddled with a future on a dying planet, no pension, water scarcity and millions of climate refugees in the coming decades.

thecatsthecats · 29/08/2018 14:19

I've not got useful advice on your situation, but I bet a million billion pounds that your mum thought you weren't entitled shit at some point too.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 29/08/2018 14:21

OP, I can understand why you are annoyed but it may well be the case that if you don't agree to be a guarantor she will not be able to find anywhere to live. Do you really want to be dealing with the fallout from that if you say no? Your DD is probably stressed because she is moving to a new university. Yes, she's forgotten her manners, but I wouldn't make it worse for her.

What kind of accommodation is it? Halls or a private let?

deepsea · 29/08/2018 14:22

Erm, if she has nowhere to live and can't finish her degree then this would have a huge and detrimental impact on her entire life. Even if you have been been falling out a lot lately, I would think very carefully before withdrawing your support during her final year.

Text her to call you and discuss in more detail, tell you expect her to be respectful and civil.

If you she doesn't have anywhere to live, you will have contributed to her downfall or could be putting her in a potentially dangerous position finding somewhere to stay for a year.

I would be the guarantor and then work separately on your relationship with her.