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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 29/08/2018 14:23

I'd be her guarantor if I trusted her. Has she proven she can be trustworthy.

SoupDragon · 29/08/2018 14:23

Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits?

My children aren’t.

PlatypusPie · 29/08/2018 14:25

It’s normal practice for any student accommodation, whether university owned or private, now to require a guarantor for that particular student. It’s not for the whole rent of a house but the contract between that student and the landlord - my DD nearly did hit a problem in the second year when 4 out of 5 of them had their guarantors signatures ( all done electronically) and the last one was late. Ironic, because the parent concerned was very wealthy and was a major student landlord in another town :(

No, they are not all entitled and rude - my two were very grateful for the financial support we gave - which was quite substantial two of them at different unis with two years overlapping.

Your daughter sounds in a panic, OP, but you must have been shocked and disappointed by her behaviour towards you. She shouldn’t have spoken like that anyway, but she will learn in life that harranging someone is not the way to achieve getting someone’s vital cooperation.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/08/2018 14:25

Yes shes been rude and I'd kick her into touch for it, but she needs a guarantor to rent as a student, who else will be able to help her if not her mum. Its all very well being annoyed but refusing to help means she has no where to live?

Hoozz · 29/08/2018 14:25

Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this?
No they are not. Mine aren't (20 and 22) and I don't know any that are, though clearly there can be rifts in families at all ages. 21 is a little old for a teenage rebellion.

I have been guarantor for both my DC in uni houses and paid their rent as well. But they have never been anything less than appreciative about it and would never in a million years speak to me like that.

I think you probably have to do it because if you don't and she fails to finish her degree you may regret it.
When you say she doesn't live with you, is that because she's at the BFs or does it pre-date that? Do you support her at uni? I do know some students who get minimum loan and no parental help struggle and feel resentful.

TheTraceNextDoor · 29/08/2018 14:25

She sounds incredibly childish, and entitled.

No, all of them aren't like it. I'm a little younger and I have a mortgage and childcare to pay for Grin

LemonysSnicket · 29/08/2018 14:26

No, we're not all like at. My relationship with my mum improved dramatically when I went to uni and got some space and has only improved every year since (I'm 23)

NoCureForLove · 29/08/2018 14:26

My 19 and 21 year olds have their moments but no, they are not entitled little shits. Nor would I talk about them in that way.

Original poster
PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 14:27

I've been on the phone to my mum crying this morning! I'm nearly 50!

Whoever said about the lack of discipline making her entitled, you are completely wrong, sorry. I was a pretty strict parent and she had very firm boundaries her whole life. She changed at a certain point, and our relationship has never recovered back to that. It breaks my heart.

I certainly cannot afford to be guarantor. I work a minimum wage night shift job, and we struggle. I also have a ds and 2 stepchildren half the time.

I'm at this awful point where I'm constantly treading on eggshells as I'm so terrified of losing her.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 29/08/2018 14:27

The guarantor thing is pretty standard, I have had to do it for my DD for the past 2 years and only covers her part of the rent and is very specific on that.

As for the attitude thing, I think I've had the same problems as you. My DD2 was lovely up until the summer of her GCSE's then she had a very bad 18 months and I became the one she took it all out on. She's getting better now but still has her moments. What you described here is exactly the sort of thing I would get. It comes from a place of stress and anxiety (but that doesn't excuse it) was the phone call this morning after the WhatsApp message?

The thing you need to remember is you have done an OK job, you know that lovely girl you knew at 15 is still in there and she will come back. I tend to try and act calm and try and let it all wash over me, avoid engaging in the bad attitude as it just escalates everything. This method took a long time to be able to do as its hard not to shout back and pull her up on her rudeness but if you wait calmly for a while you can see when the realisation of what she's said/done hits her although I don't always get an apology.

As for today, I would probably do it, but say nothing. She doesn't deserve any feedback or confirmation. With mine when she was calmer I would say something along the lines of 'I appreciate you were stressed but that is no excuse for the way you spoke to me' and leave it if she answers back I walk away.

deepsea · 29/08/2018 14:28

Remind me who raised the ‘generation of selfish entitled little shits’? Oh, you? 😄
I’d be pretty fucked off too if I’d been saddled with a future on a dying planet, no pension, water scarcity and millions of climate refugees in the coming decades

Not to mention paying off the countries debts all the while propping up the baby boomers triple lock gold plated pensions. Not to mention the housing crisis coming down the track. Lets not forget they have no choice but to live their entire lives in debt permanently and will never ever be able to even dream of retirement.

Yeah I would be fucked off too. But hey lets keep giving out those free bus passes to wealthy pensioners in Spain and fuel allowances.

LemonysSnicket · 29/08/2018 14:28

But, my mom would have been my guarantor. We needed one every year or they won't rent to students, and you're not liable for he whole house, every occupant in a student flat has their own guarantor (usually a parent).

RandomObject · 29/08/2018 14:29

Also, if she doesn't have a lot of experience renting she might be in a flap - I know I used to panic over everything, it seems scary when you're young and not used to it!

Original poster
PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 14:29

Thanks for all your advice by the way Flowers

OP posts:
ReservoirDogs · 29/08/2018 14:30

Platypus there are unfortuntely still plenty of landlords of student accommodation who require guarantors to be jointly and severally libale for the rent of the entire property I am afraid to say so the advice to check exactly what you are guaranteeing is good advice from a pp.

In Lancaster there are properties Alaaya which do not require guarantors still as an example of one.place.

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 29/08/2018 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxhog · 29/08/2018 14:31

Check first that you aren't standing guarantor for anyone other than your DD, and if only her, then for how much. Then tell the little madam that you'll only do it if she treats you with some respect, and when she explains how she will be financing her rent.

Original poster
PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 14:32

Let me just clarify a couple of things.

She is starting over at a new university. First year of a new course. Which meant applying for student finance etc, that was also a last chance saloon scenario.

She didn't have a guarantor for last year, it was never mentioned. But this is a whole new town, and a whole new lot of accommodation.

OP posts:
TwittleBee · 29/08/2018 14:32

It is kinda awkward though regarding student accommodation as wherever I looked to rent / ended up renting as a student I required a guarantor (despite me even having a full time job as a student!!) plus the pressure of securing that "perfect student rent" can get a bit much with pressure of estate agents. So I'm not excusing her rude behaviour but just trying to understand it; she most likely is stating the truth (if what somewhat dramatically) that she requires a guarantor otherwise she cannot rent.

I do recall turning 17 and becoming a total brat towards my mum, luckily for me (and my family) university actually bought me back down to earth and I saw a great Dr at uni who ended up diagnosing me with severe anxiety and psychosis. Hopefully your DD is just going through an emotional phase, rather than requiring medication like I did, but perhaps she needs some emotional support (as well as financial) as she might be feeling all a bit deflated if uni didn't work out or meet her expectations first time round and so she is lashing out / being rude as she cant keep her emotions in check with her stress levels etc?

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 29/08/2018 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

billybagpuss · 29/08/2018 14:33

Yep, my mums had that from me too and I'm also nearly 50.

Again with the guarantor thing, do you trust her? she should be able to cover it comfortably from her student loan although she needs to budget properly for it as sometimes the rent is due before the loan goes in. If she is generally good with money you won't hear any more about it.

Knittedfairies · 29/08/2018 14:33

I don’t understand why she was so rude to you when she needs you to be a guarantor though. Have you decided what to do OP?

TwittleBee · 29/08/2018 14:34

oh just read your update about your job btw! Good chance you wont even be accepted as a guarantor then anyway!

bigKiteFlying · 29/08/2018 14:34

In my town I don't know of any private lets which accept student tenants without a guarantor and the university I work for also requires a guarantor for its accommodation. You need to be earning three times the monthly rent (total monthly rent) in a perm job that you have held for more than three months or pay six months rent in advance to get around that.

I wondered if it was going that way though can't say I would be keen to be a guarantor even for my generally well behaved children- though interesting to read they is insurance to offer some protection.

Maybe she's panicking - and worried about having no where to live and not expressing that well. I would expect information - exact information on what I was being expected to sign though.

ImPreCis · 29/08/2018 14:34

For those people saying they would never be a guarantor for Uni accommodation you absolutely have no choice. Without a guarantor a student will not be able to rent any where in their uni town. Even for the first year in halls the Uni will ask for a guarantor. We have had to do this for both of ours. My daughters friend nearly lost her accommodation for this, her final year, because her parents were uncontactable. We thought we might have to be guarantor for her too.
Clearly your daughter hasn’t contacted you regarding this OP and that is the issue, but if you want her to have somewhere to live you will need to sign. I have no idea how students whose parents are not working get on.